MIL Santa’s Grotto

[ReenTD]

My MIL has asked to take my DD (4) and DS (2) to see Santa this week. This would be their 1st trip to see him in their lives. I said I appreciated being asked, but actually, I would rather us to take them on our own for this one. But now my H is upset with me as he has to tell his mum ‘no’. Am I being unreasonable?

I'd invite MIL to come with us. I would even let her go alone first. But I was never obsessed with firsts.

My daughter is having her first haircut next week, and if my MIL wants to come, I don't mind. She loves my daughter and my daughter loves her and that is all that matters.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong by asking. She might have thought you’ve already taken the eldest - though I agree leaving it until they’re older is better.

The problem is your DH refusing to say no to her.

If MIL hadn't asked to take them, she'd probably get a bashing for not being interested in her grandchildren!

This really isn't a problem. Just say you and DH are taking them on x date to x place but she's more than welcome to take them somewhere after that day.

Oh and you need to speak to your husband about being a wet lettuce and too scared to tell his mum no.

I totally agree with this! Reading things like this thread on here makes me so glad I have daughters. I may end up with DIL in the future but I'm hoping my dds remember the fun we had with my mum coming along. I am in the more the merrier mindset though.

I do have a mil who is welcome to join us but she lacks interest in our kids and she really doesn't like me. But I go and be pleasant on the rare occasions we see her, ive given up inviting her along but our children are now 14 and 10.

As for firsts.... I cant remember either dds 1st santa visit but I do remember the funny moments!

Doesn’t have to be a MIL though. If you want to do the first visit to Santa, surely a maternal grandmother can be overstepping if she does it before you. Things like this are not just restricted to MILs

YANBU at all. By all means extend an invite to her and include her but no she doesn’t get to do the first one.
Why any MIL or DM would think that is reasonable is beyond me. They’ve had their firsts, give the family a chance for their own.
At least she asked you and didn’t just book it so give her credit for that.

Did she actually care that you said no?

I ask my DD if it's ok to take my GS to certain places if I think she might prefer to take him - I certainly wouldn't be offended if she said no, that's why I ask!

Its YOUR child, you want the experiance of the first you have it since its your child and your first.

She could have done it with her own kids, what is it with grandmothers trying to boundry stomp. I know for a fact my parents would NOT have put up with the behavior from their parents that they now try to force on me.

I give them a LOT of leeway so if I say no this is an experiance I want with MY kid they can suck it up. Its fuck all to do with 'hating MIL' (if thinking you cant take you grandkid out to one thing is cause to throw your toys out of the pram you need to grow up) and simply to do with respecting a mothers wishes with her own child.

Are you ok?

I'm a little worried for you given this very aggressive public breakdown on what is a pretty gental thread.

Thing is, I think this fixation with “firsts” is quite a new thing. People used to enjoy their child’s first step or first word as these were milestones the child had achieved, but I don’t think many people made a fuss about the first time they happened to take the child to X or Y commercial activity- it just wasn’t such a thing. So I suspect that rather than trying to “boundary stomp” as PP put it, the Grandma was simply offering to take her DGC for a nice day out. Mum has said no thanks. All sorted. The only problem is the wet lettuce husband.

Honestly, the things people get annoyed about.

I tend to agree. I had my kids in the late 80s and apart from the first steps and the first word, I can't think of any firsts that mattered. Had either of the grandparents wanted to take a DD to see Father Christmas for their first time, I probably would have said "actually, we're planning to take her if that's okay, but you're welcome to..." and suggested an alternative. I wouldn't remotely have seen it as a control thing on their part though, or trying to rob us of a 'first'.

I suspect that SM has had something to do with so many things being firsts that parents have to have. But I'm happy to accommodate them as a GM, because that's how things are now. So I would always ask my DD and her DH before doing anything that they might want to do first. Which OP's MIL has done, so I'm not sure what the problem is.

It sounds like a kind offer from your MIL, and there is nothing odd about her wanting to do something enjoyable with her GC.

But if she is the sort of overbearing person who takes over and intrudes, then maybe it is understandable that you might feel uncomfortable.

Could you not just say that you had planned to do this too and how lovely it would be to have her along and do it all together?

Grandparents love their GC and take great pleasure in seeing them enjoying themselves. Nothing pathological here.

It takes a village to raise a child - I sometimes think that this insistence on going it alone and having to do all the "firsts" (whose list seems to grow and grow!) is rather sad really. Sharing is good too.

Unless this lady is bossing you around all the time, I think you should share this experience with her with a good grace - and with an awareness that one day you will be in her position. Think how you might wish to be treated.

For all people know OP MIL could be an utter narssicitic twat (not saying she is just saying for all we know she COULD be).

For all we know they could see granny 5 times a week and have a great relationship outside of this one instance that OP wants for herself.

Regradless its a perfectly fair and normal boundry for OP to want to be there the first time they meet Santa, I mean why can MIL wait until after OP has take her kids and then SHE do the second one instead? Why on earth would the MIL want of the first time top OPs want of the first time.

I was also born in the 80s and raised majoritively by a single mam and there was non of this 'it takes a village' shit.

What there was is people who would abandon us all year then try to swoop in for the fun times (birthday/xmas/easter/holiday) to be the cool aunt/stepmam/granny before dropping us like a stone again.

My mam had firm boundries to stop that and I respect the hell out of her for it, she did the hard work 24/7 and deserved to be the one with the fun memories so the 80s have nothing to do with it.

Wow! - that is bitter!

Children brought up around different generations have the opportunity to grow up as humane kindly adults.

Generations do not have to fight or be in competition. Nor does there have to be a knee jerk reaction that MILs always have nefarious motives. Some of them must be kind!

This whole "firsts" thing has become blown out of proportion. It may be partly because parents feel they miss out when their children are in child care - and that is understandable. But it would be sad if that blew the idea of kindness and sharing out of the water.

Nor does there have to be a knee jerk reaction that MILs always have nefarious motives.

This is mumsnet! Of course there does! 😂

Oh wow! I think I touched a nerve there! So sorry about that!
There was nothing “unkind’”about my post and I didn’t “put her in her place”, I thanked her for her offer but said perhaps I could take MY children to see Santa first and she could do a similar activity a bit later.
I wouldn’t have thought twice about it if my DH hadn’t made it a bit weird.
Last Christmas MY children would’ve been 1 and (just turned) 3, so it wasn’t that I “hadn’t been fussed”, they were just too young to appreciate the experience.
Thanks for your POV though, interesting to see how other people’s minds work… luckily not everyone feels the same as you, so I feel that maybe I’ve handled this one ok?

Just say no because it's November!

But I would invite her along mid December. Unless there's a massive back story about her being an overbearing pain in the arse?

There's nothing wrong with what you said. You're the parent, do as you wish. I'd probably want to be there for the visit with santa, not because it's a first as such, but because of the age of your youngest. He might be terrified.

I would maybe just book one of those 'breakfast with santa' experiences and inbite everyone along, i see it as: the more people gushing over my kids telling them how wonderful it is that they just met santa of all people, the more magical for them and the better for me and DH!

There are some moments that I think are best kept in the nuclear family, but a trip to see a man in a suit in a grotto probably wouldn't be one of them.

I don't think I'd be precious about first shoes or anything like that, there will be a lot of firsts that your kids experience in life that you won't be there for. Some of my happiest childhood memories were with my grandparents 🥰

I agree all this 'firsts' thing is bonkers, how was this GM to know that 'Santa's grotto' is a massive 'first' deal? what else?
first pair of wellingtons
first time eating spaghetti
first time posting a letter
first time feeding the ducks

just say- yeah great and enjoy an hour or so free time

I’m not overly precious about firsts, the GP’s see the GC at least 3 times a week and have taken them for lots of firsts eg: first trip to the shoe shop (which MIL felt was a biggy?!) In fact Santa has been the only ‘first’ I have asked for so far, so wondered if I was weird to want to keep for our little family.

Be honest OP if MIL hadn’t have suggested it you would have put it off for another year.

PS don’t blame you. 😉😁😁

I get your point but I'm also jealous that you have that level of support from GP's - my DH's parents can barely take my daughter in to the garden without freaking out!

It’s good that she asked.

She’s had her time as a mother to young children at Christmas, so I don’t think you’re unreasonable to say you’d rather do this yourselves. There will be other festive things she can do with them, like tea and cake in a cafe, pottery painting etc.

It's not weird to want to do the first trip to Santa yourself. It is a bit weird to assume that, in offering to take your DC, your MIL is trying to take over- although TBF to you some of the responses on the thread are more extreme than what you posted (eg that even offering is "stomping on your boundaries") It does seem as if MILs can't win sometimes.