How to tell child the truth about Santa

[lovepops]

Hello,

My child has started secondary school this year and when asked if she still believes in Santa she has said yes.

I don't want to break her heart, however I'm very conscious that if other children at 'big school' realise she believes, they will be unkind.

Has anybody else been in this situation before? Did you break the news? If so how did you do it?

Thanks 🎅🏽

I think it's best to let children discover it for themselves; they will ask when they are ready to know and you can then praise them for working it out. Could you be strategically incompetent about hiding it this Christmas - use the same wrapping paper, allow her to see you hiding a stocking present etc? Or come at it from the "now you're old enough it's time for you to be santa yourself" so taking the emphasis away from real or not real.

I recently told my 11 year old - she had her suspicions but was quite happy to keep believing. She's quite a young 11 year old so I tried to do it gently - I told her that Santa wasn't a single person but instead represented what was special about Christmas (giving stuff and making people smile). So, in our house that meant I had the Santa role and now that she was 11, she was old enough to help me by being Santa for her younger sister.

She had lots of questions (like who's been eating all the mince pies 😊) but was ok about it and is still excited about Christmas.

I’ve just never said. I’m not ruining the magic. I’ve no doubt that once 10 or so they just know though.

Does she have no inkling at all?
My DD had a few years of growing doubt (plus increasing worries about a strange man coming into the house!) and we gradually able to unfold the truth a little at a time. Our line was it's a lovely story for little ones but there's some historical context and it's a lovely event at a gloomy time of the year and nice to give and receive presents.

I think I would say “you know the other day when someone asked if you believe in Santa, that’s because lots of people believe in Santa in a different way. When children are small we talk about Santa as a real flesh and blood man. You are more grown up now so can understand that Santa is an idea, a story, but that what is important is bringing joy and presents and enjoying the tradition. We will still put a sticking out.. but who do you think it might be that plays the story of Santa and puts the presents in?”

Stocking, not sticking

I never found it necessary to "tell" mine - they are 13 and 11 now.

They will leave their stockings and they will write a note for FC. I would be very surprised if they really believe deep down. Ditto my 11-year-old with the tooth fairy. Sometimes if the tooth fairy forgets he says to me "perhaps she wasn't in the area last night" and I say "yes, that must be it, after all she has a lot of places to cover!"

But on Xmas eve, when they put the stocking out, I think they maybe do believe, just a little bit!

Does it matter?

After all we can all suspend/deny reality in all sorts of ways when it suits us.

Always posters on here claiming kids don't believe after 5 or 6. Utter rubbish. Irl majority of children I know believed until about 10. Unless told, there is no way a 5 old would doubt that Father Christmas is real. To still believe at 11 isn't unheard of. It's lovely to still have that sense of innocence and magic.

What the.....

To be honest my 6 year old says she believes in Santa (who delivers the presents we pay for and the elves make them in the shop once we've put in our order) and I suspect she is having me on. She kind of says yeesss in a way that says 'I think he's real but IS he??'

At 11 years I'd say it straight that there is no Santa because the bullying and teasing she'd receive if she said something like that in school wouldn't be worth it, then what? She wonders why you let her believe it?

break her heart? I really don't think so.

My 10yo DD absolutely still believes, non SEN. I’m not sure my 8yo believes, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t, she’s very blasé about the whole thing, but I am 100% certain my 10yo believes, she is obsessed with the magic of Christmas. She’s written Santa letters, constantly talks about how magical he is and the elves that visit us. I love the innocence of it, but I do worry when she finds out, part of me wants her to find out at school, I know most of her friends don’t believe, one in particular has parents who’ve made it clear that Santa isn’t real from a young age. I made it clear to the mum years ago if her child told mine I’d be pissed so she better have words. But the other part of me wants me to be the one to do it. I want to give her this last year and tell her before she starts high school.

I know she’s not the only one. We moved briefly and she attended another school last Christmas, all her friends there still believed. I have also known other children who needed to be told going to high school.

Its not that she thinks Santa delivers tonnes of presents to every child, she knows that not all her presents come from him. We donate toys every year, I’ve involved all my children in this, they know that some children don’t get much as their families can’t afford it so we donate toys to families in need, just like we donate food. She also understands some children don’t believe, but she is very much a believer. I think part of the reason is she knows that we don’t have a lot of money and we say no to things regularly, so when she is given something she knows we can’t afford, or told her we can’t afford she obviously thinks it must be Santa.

What? I don't have SEN and I'm pretty sure I believed until I was 12.. unless I'm remembering wrong! I had no reason not to believe. My elder siblings kept it going for me and nobody ruined it. Gullible perhaps, but I didn't question the magic🤷‍♀️

I just worked it out in the end. Was never bullied for it.. nobody ever spoke about Father Christmas at school.

What do you mean?...dont break my heart?

In real life, we sort of phased it out. Santa presents got smaller, my presents to DC’s larger.
They still believed at age 12. In fact, at one time, I used to laugh that although they didn't believe - they thought I did and didn't want to be the ones to tell me...🤣

Now, we are very tongue in cheek about it ‘ don't believe - don't get’ 😆. We maintain the fun through Santa stockings and Santa traditions even though they are grown up.

@Singleandproud That is so sweet!

Are all the people with believing older children a lot better at covering it up then me? My 5yo still believes (I think) but it won't be long before he notices that santa uses the same wrapping paper as is in the cupboard, or that I ask him to point out which toy it was on a website, then suddenly santa has it.

My DM was similarly bad at hiding it, so the big clue for me was santa requesting that when we cut toy pictures out of the argos catalogue, we also stick on the price and order number. I worked it out around 6/7, but played along in a kind of open secret through to adulthood, so me and DM might have conversations like "oh, I do hope santa gets me X, what are you hoping for?"

Could you intentionally let her notice this year, then she has the choice to either tell you she knows or continue with the presence if she prefers.

Best line I ever came across was from Libby Purves's "How not to be a perfect family"

"Some people are saying that Father Christmas isn't real? That's a shame because he only comes to those who believe in him. Of course if someone stops believing, then their parents usually take over so no-one's too disappointed on Christmas morning. But it's not quite the same"

That lets the DC hang on in a state of half-belief for as long as it takes.

I'd be stunned if my child believed in santa at 11, I'd have them reading the times everyday and getting them used to living in the real world. For god's sake.

I’m sure she doesn’t but is either a) hedging her bets or b) doesn’t want to upset you by saying she knows it’s not real.

My daughter told me preschool 'I don't want a strange man coming in my bedroom'
I quickly told her it was pretend and ld leave her presents down stairs.
Not all sure how on the one hand to teach I kids to be honest and then lie about Santa , the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy 🤣

I still used to put my pillowcase out for Father Christmas when I was at Uni! 🤣

My youngest (9) still definitely believes, despite there having been some 'chat' about it at school.
Eldest is almost 13 and I'd imagine for the last couple of Christmases has probably known, but had never said anything to us about it. I was very much like this, and also didn't ever let on to my parents that I knew, once I'd been told by another kid.

I do also think that most people we know like to keep it going as long as possible and most children in our circle probably believe at least until the upper part of primary school.

Christmas is a magical time for children, and I would be sad if they'd stopped believing at 5.

I started by starting a new tradition where the children also give us gifts . Like something really small gummy bear packet, beads jewellery nothing expensive along with a hand made card. And we get them something they really want like their favorite toy from the list. Slowly phase out all the talks about Santa and the excitement about his gifts and all. Hopefully in a year or two you will be there. Try not to make a big deal out of it or expect someone else to do the hard work. A teacher got fired for telling children that Santa wasn't real . I know as parent you don't ever want to your child to feel pain or disappointment but let's face it they will eventually.

Lastly don't put a time frame on it as you know your child better than anyone else. May be she won't be as upset as you expect her to be .

How old is you child op?

Really? I know loads.

Apparently the average age in the UK to stop believing is 8. That does match my experience with my own children and grandchildren actually. You really should just tell her the truth before one of her peers tell her in a not so kind way.

As long as she doesnt have a learning disability or mental health issue that effects her logical thinking then of COURSE she factually knows.

Same way most people know god isnt a long bearded dude sat on a cloud surround by cherubs that created the world in 7 days and made women from a rib.

People can and do still choose to 'believe' somethings though purely because it makes them feel happy even if they KNOW its non logical, it doesnt hurt anyone to let them be happy.

People who insist on bursting peoples happy bubbles so they are miserable like them are just nasty and cruel.

For the record I obviously dont believe in santa, I have known the truth since I was 5 but I still love the magic of it all.

When my parents decide we where 'to old for it' at 13 and xmas died for me and I was depressed/miserable for years on xmas day (spent most my teen years trying to drink myself into a blackout) until I had my own kids/house and could do it all again.

I love xmas again now and never plan to stop again.

My nine year old knows really, but given he also believes in god, I honestly say that whilst I have never seen Santa, it's a nice idea.