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Original poster

Guests at Xmas who critique your home

104 replies

FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 09:58

Does anyone find the ‘helpful’ hints and tips of a well meaning relative really fucking stressful? I’ve got a really close relative coming who I love to bits but they are massively into decor and are a real foodie so things that they think of as making conversation or being helpful just adds to my stress levels.

No, I don’t want any advice about kitchen gadgets, recipe hacks, nice artwork that would transform my home or anything else in that vein.

The problem is that for them it’s just a regular conversation topic but to me it feels threatening somehow and stressful ( they are very stylish so feelings of inadequacy that it brings about doesn’t help).

Any advice? I usually find myself being quite contrary in response which is passive aggressive I suppose. How can I deal with this better?!

OP posts:
nellly · 17/12/2021 10:13

I would essentially call them out on how rude they're being especially when it's style related like art: when they make a comment maybe something like looking around mildly surprised "oh, I hadn't realised it looked bad in here, do you really think it's lacking?"

Then watch them quickly back track

Or if it's a kitchen hack or item just laugh and say "oh I manage fine thanks, even with all you lot here for
Christmas"

Unless maybe they're scoping out gift ideas? Though only you know if that's likely

Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 10:50

Thanks @nellly they honestly are trying to help / for them it’s a neutral conversation topic as they have interior design and all things foodie in their DNA!

And maybe I’ve given them a mixed message by asking for advice when we’re doing a home project. But that doesn’t mean it’s remotely restful as a general conversation theme as to me phases of home improvement are high stress!

Maybe i just need to be clear and communicate that distinction.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 10:52

(The kitchen related stuff is more frequent though and definitely unsolicited!)

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Dontforgetyourbrolly · 17/12/2021 11:13

that's what wine is for .....

SmolCat · 17/12/2021 11:15

I’ve got a family member who loves DIY/building. Every time he comes over he suggests things to improve some flaw. “What you want to do with X is...”

It’s really well meaning but it does make me feel self conscious about my home. Please compliment the good bits and ignore the shit bits unless I ask for advice!

Howshouldibehave · 17/12/2021 11:21

My mil is like this. Whenever she comes here, she says, ‘what I’d like to do with your house is build a big extension’.

I snapped back recently and said ‘well, so would I but we can’t afford it’.

I think it’s bloody rude-I wouldn’t dream of saying that to someone!

LindaEllen · 17/12/2021 11:21

My DP's parents are not welcome at our house for this reason - they are plain rude about what our house looks like.

lizkt · 17/12/2021 11:24

I've got a friend exactly like SmolCat's relative. Always finding problems and pointing out what I need to do.

I have told him it's rude but he can't seem to stop!

It's really fucking irritating.

androiduser · 17/12/2021 11:24

Is it that feeling of being judged? People like that get little to none invites round here.

Macauley · 17/12/2021 11:28

I dont know how to deal with this but I absolutely understand.
Our house is a fixer upper we are doing over time. We have two family members who often comment on what needs doing, ask why we still have not got things fixed yet or ideas of what we should be doing. Sometimes it is quite rude and we find it stressful having them here so we dont invite them over anymore!

WouldBeGood · 17/12/2021 11:35

Be clear. I’d go with something like “You know I think you have great taste, and hope you’ll help if we want to do more work, but talking about it just now makes me feel like my house/food isn’t good enough.”

Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 11:36

Omg there are loads of them! They should be forced to participate in a Come Dine with Me Christmas special. That’s learn them 😆

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Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 11:39

@WouldBeGood that is absolutely spot on. I think I’ll go for a variation on that.

@SmolCat that was FIL when he was younger.

@androiduser absolutely it’s the judgement that i experience without that being the intention at all.

Thanks and sympathies to all other posters who can relate.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 11:44

@WouldBeGood i think I will adapt what you say and say ‘ not relaxing’ rather than ‘not good enough’ just to soften it a bit but you’re quite right!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 17/12/2021 11:47

That does sound better, @FluffyCushion123!

Good luck

Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 11:57

@WouldBeGood Thank you. I’m even going to practice my MN inspired bright and breezy tone, to try to keep the mood light !

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WouldBeGood · 17/12/2021 11:59

😃 perfect

I’m new to boundary setting like this, but am finding it liberating!

Pegasussnail · 17/12/2021 12:06

They are being so rude. This is the kind of dilemma I get myself into but you are right to call them out on it as you are being so generous to host them

Lorriestakingppe · 17/12/2021 12:09

It is rude, I would also be upset but would be sterner with my rebuttal

androiduser · 17/12/2021 12:10

I know someone whose mother in law would run the hoover round, sort laundry and generally clean and tidy whilst looking after the grandchildren at their home.

The mother in law either thought she was being helpful, or in some underhand way intended to make the daughter-in-law feel inadequate. The mother in law would take great pleasure in reciting to the rest of the family the various jobs she had completed.

lizkt · 17/12/2021 12:14

@androiduser

I know someone whose mother in law would run the hoover round, sort laundry and generally clean and tidy whilst looking after the grandchildren at their home.

The mother in law either thought she was being helpful, or in some underhand way intended to make the daughter-in-law feel inadequate. The mother in law would take great pleasure in reciting to the rest of the family the various jobs she had completed.

Actually I'd be slightly happy about this, although still a little put out. :-D

At least she was actually doing some work to help out.

FearlessSwiftie · 17/12/2021 12:18

I usually go with something of the 'Feel free to leave early if you are so irritated by this' type. Shuts them up quickly.

Original poster
FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 12:20

Ha well speaking of helpful in laws, my FIL popped in to fix the toilet seat in my teenage DD’s en suite while we were on holiday! She hadn’t cleaned the bathroom before we left… how could this not feel like an overstep?

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HyacynthBucket · 17/12/2021 12:31

WouldbeGood That is a perfect answer that should stop any further such conversation in its tracks, and it is clear and direct.

Nellly I just wouldn't understand what these responses meant if said to me - aren't they also quite passive agggressive as don't make themselves clear.

JustLyra · 17/12/2021 12:34

@androiduser

I know someone whose mother in law would run the hoover round, sort laundry and generally clean and tidy whilst looking after the grandchildren at their home.

The mother in law either thought she was being helpful, or in some underhand way intended to make the daughter-in-law feel inadequate. The mother in law would take great pleasure in reciting to the rest of the family the various jobs she had completed.

See the helping isn’t the issue there. My MIL always did that. Now that she lives with us she does all sorts of wee jobs that I hate.

However, she never went announcing it to people. That’s a big difference abd designed to be rude imo.