Guests at Xmas who critique your home

[FluffyCushion123]

Does anyone find the ‘helpful’ hints and tips of a well meaning relative really fucking stressful? I’ve got a really close relative coming who I love to bits but they are massively into decor and are a real foodie so things that they think of as making conversation or being helpful just adds to my stress levels.

No, I don’t want any advice about kitchen gadgets, recipe hacks, nice artwork that would transform my home or anything else in that vein.

The problem is that for them it’s just a regular conversation topic but to me it feels threatening somehow and stressful ( they are very stylish so feelings of inadequacy that it brings about doesn’t help).

Any advice? I usually find myself being quite contrary in response which is passive aggressive I suppose. How can I deal with this better?!

@FangsForTheMemory

I have a friend who came to stay and damned my house with faint praise. She praised a couple of small items (think ornaments and curtain rails) extravagantly and said nothing about the fact I'd had the whole place decorated, new furniture and light fittings and new flooring put down.

She won't be invited back.

I don’t understand what she did wrong she complimented some elements she liked of your redecoration, what did you expect, balloons and champagne for a new floor?

@FluffyCushion123
Have a pen and notepad handy and when they start up, thrust it at them and say, " oh! Would you please write that idea down so I can consider it when I'm ready?"
And then back away...They'll be so busy writing out their brilliant ideas that they should be busy for quite awhile

Ask them if they'd feel happier with the Christmas tree inserted at very close range.

That way they could 'feel' festive whilst they look down on your entire home.

That way you both get your input.

I have a few friends where we all love this kind of conversation, it seems like tip sharing and I always come away inspired by a new idea or hack they shared. I enjoy it when they tell me they used a recipe, colour suggestion etc that I thought of. All of us are into interior design and/or cooking and hosting. I have many more friends who are not into this at all so it doesn't come up. I will however be more aware of how it comes across should I ever accidentally stray this way having read these posts.

I had a friend visit me for dinner and staying overnight. He didn't even give himself to settle in before criticising my home. I told him there was no need to stay if he wasn't happy and he could just go home again if he preferred. He did apologise and kept his opinions to himself after that. I just like don't get people who are impolite about their host's home and can't seem to keep their thoughts to themselves. 🌹

@lizkt

I've got a friend exactly like SmolCat's relative. Always finding problems and pointing out what I need to do.

I have told him it's rude but he can't seem to stop!

It's really fucking irritating.

DH has a friend like this. He also invites himself to stay when working in our area and pockets for himself the accommodation expenses from work. I think that is theft but never mind.

After 10 years this year I finally snapped and have banned him from the house.

OP- I really feel for you. Is there any way you could say 'I always feel like you undermine our choices when you say this or this' and hope they take the fucking hint? Or yes- wine.

I don’t understand why so many people who make the comments don’t think we the owners have seen what needs doing and are just hoarding our millions instead of fitting that new tap.
So many times I have to say “ yes we would love to do X but it’s expensive” You should do a new drive or you could have a lovely big conservatory or you need a new back door.
Now I just say “yes we do if you could give us a few thousand we will book all that in” It’s not always badly meant but it it rude. My DM was lovely and genuinely helpful but she had a habit of always saying “oh the new kitchen is beautiful it’s a shame you couldn’t have done the hall carpet as well” or something where you felt the shine taken off the main event!

My DM does this sometimes. It used to hurt my feelings but now I just say: ‘Well, when we win the lottery Mama you’re going to be in charge of refurbishments!’ Every. Time. I say it in a lighthearted way but I think it’s helped because she’s a bit more circumspect now.

It’s a bit like when you have a baby and you get loads of unsolicited advice, isn’t it? People mean well but you just feel attacked or like what you’re doing is inadequate.

My mother, ‘It will be lovely when you’ve done…’, ‘When are you getting…?’ We’ve just had an extension done and the decorating has just been finished ready to host Christmas. As a result the garden is a mess directly outside the huge windows we’ve had put in (patio up etc.) I’m dreading the fact that she will be sat there commenting/apologising to our other guests about our mess. I’ll be pissed by dinner!

@Howshouldibehave

My mil is like this. Whenever she comes here, she says, ‘what I’d like to do with your house is build a big extension’.

I snapped back recently and said ‘well, so would I but we can’t afford it’.

I think it’s bloody rude-I wouldn’t dream of saying that to someone!

Aaaaargh my mil too. She means well but she says "you need to to this and this and this and this" and I always say WE KNOW but that all costs money and we're saving up. We've had a lot of expenses with the arrival of our first child and have had to change our car this year too, the house is a work in progress and it drives me nuts that she seems to think we can fix all the issues at once. Also she tries to get us go take furniture that would go lovely in a home the same style as hers (warm colours, eclectic mix) but would stick out like a sore thumb in ours (blue, grey and white, modern minimalist).

I actually like her home a lot but ours is very different... As is our budget!

People are so rude! And we all have different tastes, priorities and budget. I'm grateful when I get invited and look at the things I like.

There are things that need doing in my house and I couldn't invite some close family over because they would focus on that. Yes, they would have sorted it but I'm a single mum with different priorities and I don't have the time to organise it atm and find it easier to live around it. In my opinion they waste too much time keeping a show home house.

I have a friend whose only comment when she came to my newly decorated new house was that we have different taste. Yes we do and inwoudlnt choose most of what she does but when I've gone to her house I've complimented it. Her comment didn't bother me anyway, I love my home and i have an interiors background so I'm fairly confident in my taste. It's more comments that I agree should be done but I don't have the time or money to tackle that bother me.

@smolcat, oh I would love that but we don't have your skills to do it in practice. I'd love for you to do it for us/show us how it is done though. 😜

@FluffyCushion123 I second @SwtPeasOnEarth ‘s idea- kill with kindness. Say “last time you had such great ideas but I’m so busy at Xmas I forgot what you said. I’ve got a notebook for you though so please feel free to write down any suggestions or recipes for us. Thank you so much”. Then he will either be too lazy to write as he just likes the sound of his own voice, or he will be busy writing. And you can ceremonially burn the notebook when he leaves.

I think people often don’t mean to be hurtful or Insulting and confronting them at Christmas in your home maybe isn’t the best way to create a harmonious and happy festive period. So the notebook is ideal in my opinion.

@EssexLioness

I hear you OP. We live in a beautiful semi rural location. Edge of a village, surrounded by fields. We chose this location for a reason and the main appeal of the house is the beautiful 2 acre plot it stands on. We love nature and peace and quiet. Every single person that visits seems obsessed with the idea of selling part the garden to a developer and earning money so they can build a house or two in part of what is now our garden. We don’t want that and don’t need the money but people don’t listen. Family, friends, local tradespeople have all mentioned this on at least one occasion (some of them many more). We didn’t move to the country to live next to a building site

This sounds like my dream home.

When I win the lottery I will buy as much land as I can afford, build a small house and enjoy not having neighbours within sight or earshot!

@linjay

Did you send it to her? What did it say.. Mil these are my boundaries?

Op I've had my Mil actually, literally "weep" in my house. She's literally cried about how we live and she was vicious after the birth of our dc.

They don't come past the front door now.

Print this out and frame it, then hang in a prominent place. Then just point at it when the next person makes an unwanted comment.

My parents go one step further and just do the things we were too silly (in their eyes) to not do ourselves. We’ve come home to kitchen cupboards completely re-organised, a new picture on a wall… utterly infuriating but I’ll still bloody miss them and their mental ways this Christmas

I don’t know anyone who does this but if I was to encounter one I’d probably just hand them a bandana and suggest they blindfolded themselves for the duration of the visit.

We bought our house for us. Not for other people’s varying tastes.

@androiduser

I know someone whose mother in law would run the hoover round, sort laundry and generally clean and tidy whilst looking after the grandchildren at their home.

The mother in law either thought she was being helpful, or in some underhand way intended to make the daughter-in-law feel inadequate. The mother in law would take great pleasure in reciting to the rest of the family the various jobs she had completed.

Had it been the mother doing this I doubt anything would have been said! When I used to babysit for my grandchildren I would ask if there was anything I could do, I actually like ironing! My help was always declined but if I had had a meal, eg a take away, I would wash my plate and anything that was still in the sink, it wasn't a criticism, just a bit of courtesy.

My husband has some nightmare relatives, horrible mean old bats who embody internalized misogyny.

I once saw an inlaw from our generation calmly accept a cup of tea during a lecture about how she only earns all the money and does half the childcare while her 'poor' husband hardly gets a moment to himself, smile and instead of thank you, said 'fuck you' in the sweetest possible tone.

Deaf old bat didn't notice. No-one did. We exchanged grins and I've loved her ever since.

I have a MIL who is just completely lacking in empathy, or maybe its just taking the time to think before spouting the first thing that comes into her mind. I cant say much back as she is very mentally fragile (well I could say stuff back, but have chosen not to as it would be like kicking a cat).

So now I play MIL bingo. There are certain things she is guaranteed to comment on..how many presents the dc have, how much time they spend on their tech, how over decorated the house is, how she managed without a cleaner etc etc. I get one point for everything she says that I predicted and three points if she combines two in one sentence. If I make it to 20 points in a day then I get baileys after dinner. It takes the sting out of it somehow and means I can just see it for what it is, meaningless words that can only impact me IF I choose to allow it. It only took me 20 yrs to get to this state of zen though, and I can only pull it off for about 3 days before Im back to teeth gnashing!!

My mother goes one step further and will actually rearrange stuff to suit her taste- “oh I thought it looked better there, you can always move it back”
I used to leave her to it to avoid the PA comments and move it back when she’d gone until one day I went to work and came home to an electrician moving a light fitting! She also gave all my coloured sheets to charity and bought me white as they’re “cleaner”.

Currently it’s the endless comments about food. “Oh I love that but it’s fattening”, “i buy the other version as that’s slimming”. Then after a meal we get a lecture about not having “something sweet” to finish off and she buys loads of chocolate. She actually told me not to buy dd macaroni cheese ready meals (in the freezer for emergencies when she’s in alone) because “they’re fattening”. Jeez, dd is a young athlete who spends 3 hours a day training. The odd bowl of mac and cheese won’t send her spiralling into obesity! I pointed that out and still got “hmm well be careful it’s not good for you to have too much fattening food”.

Oh and the other one- your kids have too many toys. You should give some away, it’s a mess in here with all the toys.

Until I sat one day and pointed out that she’d bought 99% of it. And probably would have been mortally offended if we had given it away and she found out…

I can't stand it when people think they can come into your home and say 'what you should do here is......_' or 'this would be better if.....' or 'you need to ......'.

Fair enough if you've asked for their opinion, in which case I'd still prefer responses to start with 'what I would do is....' or 'you might consider'.

Unsolicited commands I find really annoying and rude.