Page 2 | Guests at Xmas who critique your home

Reallybadidea · 17/12/2021 12:35

@FluffyCushion123

Ha well speaking of helpful in laws, my FIL popped in to fix the toilet seat in my teenage DD’s en suite while we were on holiday! She hadn’t cleaned the bathroom before we left… how could this not feel like an overstep?

How did your FIL even know that it needed fixing?! Had he been snooping?

Dd has a tendency to offer unasked for opinions on cooking particularly and I've started saying "I know you meant that kindly, but it actually sounds like a criticism". Seemed to do the trick.

ohidoliketobe · 17/12/2021 12:36

@SmolCat

I’ve got a family member who loves DIY/building. Every time he comes over he suggests things to improve some flaw. “What you want to do with X is...”

It’s really well meaning but it does make me feel self conscious about my home. Please compliment the good bits and ignore the shit bits unless I ask for advice!

Oh god, DH used to have form for saying this and I pulled him up on it. It came from a good place, he just loves DIY and sharing his experiences of it, but we had a chat and I explained why that wording is so offensive and infuriating. Its patronising.

You actually mean is "what I would do is..." . You don't know what anyone "wants to do" with the space.

And "wanting" to do something and actually doing, or being in the right circumstances to be able to do everything you "want" to do to the house are very different things.

MintyCedric · 17/12/2021 12:38

“What you want to do with X is...”

Someone tried that on me when I'd just bought my house...they haven't been invited back.

I'm honestly not sure how I'd respond without being rude, but this would really piss me off.

flowersforbrains · 17/12/2021 12:41

I have a friend who does this. She no longer gets invited! We always meet somewhere neutral. I love her but god the comments get on my tits.

semideponent · 17/12/2021 12:41

I would think first. Clearly this relative invests a ton of time and energy into food and decor. That's fine - that's the kind of person they are. But who are you? Where does your energy go? What are you interested in? What's your tempo? Then make your response something that spells out the differences...something like....

It's great you have something that interests you so much. I guess my thing is x, y, z...then supply an anecdote or something related to your interests...

Original poster

FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 12:47

@semideponent i have tried in the past to say that the cooking stuff just isn’t my passion but they seem to see that as a challenge/ something to fix!

@Reallybadidea To be fair I think they were sorting out the pets and maybe used sink to top up a pet water bottle but still!

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prettyteapotsplease · 17/12/2021 12:56

"Oh I didn't realise you were here to critique my kitchen/gadgets/artwork etc... I choose the things I like and I don't need other people's opinions, thank you. More tea, vicar."

That would be my approach but then I'm of an age where I don't give a tinker's cuss about what other people think anymore.

saraclara · 17/12/2021 13:32

To be honest, I'd stop them in their tracks during one of these conversations and say (sadly, not angrily) "please stop. You're making me feel that my home isn't good enough for you. It hurts."

The sadness is the key. Getting angry shouldn't be nevessary. They just need to know that they're being tactless and making you feel bad.

FrancescaContini · 17/12/2021 13:33

Big 🍷

Arethechildreninbedyet · 17/12/2021 13:45

The first year DH and I moved out I made a beautiful beef Wellington, all the trimmings, alcohol, no expense spared - we even bought a table. We were absolutely skint and spent far too much money.

I was 20 at the time and at uni and bought specialist gravy granules not bisto but rehydrated. I can hear her now, my mum came into the kitchen, looked at the granules and laughed ‘instant gravy childreninbed, no corners cut there… good girl.’ My sister who is usually the unreasonable party was HORRIFIED and absolutely bollocked her in the porch and I mortifiedly boiled the kettle.

I’ll never forget that. I’ve got loads - mainly from my mum and mil. People tend not to realise the impact of their words.

I’ve been for a roast at someone’s house and their toddler turned the oven up burning everything. We ate the entire fucking thing and complimented them profusely insisting ‘it wasn’t burnt don’t be ridiculous it’s crispy’ at the end of the meal the host actually burst into tears and said how hard she’d worked on such little sleep and she was terrified she’d ruined it.’

Kindness and courtesy in a host’s home goes further that I think we realise.

HideousKinky · 17/12/2021 14:11

This has reminded me of a friend who thinks she is a real expert on interior decor. Once when we were at a party at another friend's house we were shown into the living room and she immediately looked around the room and said, "What this room needs is a makeover." I'll never forget the expression on the host's face though the friend who made the remark seemed oblivious. It was so rude and uncalled for

A580Hojas · 17/12/2021 14:15

I only invited my father to my house a couple of times - he just couldn't help himself on commenting on things he thought were wrong or could be improved. Fool.

JaninaDuszejko · 17/12/2021 14:18

Kindness and courtesy in a host’s home goes further that I think we realise.

This is so true and is why my MIL is a lovely easygoing guest who I'm happy to have stay for weeks at a time and my BIL is a fucking nightmare who I can't wait to see the back of after about 48h.

goldenoldie1 · 17/12/2021 14:36

@HideousKinky

This has reminded me of a friend who thinks she is a real expert on interior decor. Once when we were at a party at another friend's house we were shown into the living room and she immediately looked around the room and said, "What this room needs is a makeover." I'll never forget the expression on the host's face though the friend who made the remark seemed oblivious. It was so rude and uncalled for

Wow. Some people have no self awareness.

thelegohooverer · 17/12/2021 15:12

Practice thinking “why would you say that to me?” when someone says something rude or insensitive or triggering.

If you focus your thoughts on being curious about the other person it takes the sting out of what is said.

Even when someone is deliberately having a go at you, you find yourself looking at them a bit like if a toddler was trying to punch you while you hold them at arms length.

My mil has a knack for saying something jaw dropping and it used to upset me, until I stopped putting myself into the situation and just looked at her - at first I was a bit mean spirited about her lack of social graces but over time I’ve become a bit more compassionate. It’s just what she does and we put up with her as hopefully our dc will put up with us one day.

Maybe it’s a 40’s thing but I just don’t have the mental energy to get offended these days.

krustykittens · 17/12/2021 15:18

The FIL of a friend of mine goes even further. Every time he comes over he moves her sofa as he disagrees with where they have placed it. He has been told, repeatedly to mind his business and keep his hands and his opinions to himself but it makes no difference. They spend the entire Christmas visit shifting the sofa backwards and forwards.

Original poster

FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 16:23

Gosh, there are some horrors out there!

@thelegohooverer the thing is he’s not deliberately being rude and perhaps each individual remark would be okay in isolation. It’s the cumulative impact of many comments over a few days.

I think the way I can best sum it up is constant unsolicited advice/ suggestions of life hacks which I see as implying criticism and therefore them find very stressful to listen to. I then get a bit contrary and uptight with them and fall into the trap of being (and being labelled as) a stressy host.

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PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 17/12/2021 16:28

"If you think my cookery skills aren't up to snuff and that my house is such a slum, maybe next year you should host and I can sit on my arse and criticise you."
or maybe just think it while you drink the sherry that should have been in the trifle

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 17/12/2021 16:35

@SmolCat

I’ve got a family member who loves DIY/building. Every time he comes over he suggests things to improve some flaw. “What you want to do with X is...”

It’s really well meaning but it does make me feel self conscious about my home. Please compliment the good bits and ignore the shit bits unless I ask for advice!

If anyone starts a sentence 'You want to......' I respond 'No, I quite clearly don't want to otherwise I would have done it.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 17/12/2021 16:40

@FluffyCushion123

Does anyone find the ‘helpful’ hints and tips of a well meaning relative really fucking stressful? I’ve got a really close relative coming who I love to bits but they are massively into decor and are a real foodie so things that they think of as making conversation or being helpful just adds to my stress levels.

No, I don’t want any advice about kitchen gadgets, recipe hacks, nice artwork that would transform my home or anything else in that vein.

The problem is that for them it’s just a regular conversation topic but to me it feels threatening somehow and stressful ( they are very stylish so feelings of inadequacy that it brings about doesn’t help).

Any advice? I usually find myself being quite contrary in response which is passive aggressive I suppose. How can I deal with this better?!

Your go-to reply to them is But then it would look like your house, and pull a puking face. Another good one is But I'm not so into pretensiousness.

You have no need to be polite to people like this, they expect you not to respond. Any response should not be to defend your style, food but to indirectly criticise their's.

LovePoppy · 17/12/2021 16:43

@FluffyCushion123

Thanks *@nellly* they honestly are trying to help / for them it’s a neutral conversation topic as they have interior design and all things foodie in their DNA!

And maybe I’ve given them a mixed message by asking for advice when we’re doing a home project. But that doesn’t mean it’s remotely restful as a general conversation theme as to me phases of home improvement are high stress!

Maybe i just need to be clear and communicate that distinction.

Why are they not hosting?

Original poster

FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 16:46

@LovePoppy it’s mainly geography, space and children related but it makes sense for us to host. They are very hands, on to give them their due, it’s just the commentary that grates!

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Original poster

FluffyCushion123 · 17/12/2021 16:47

(They did host in the past but have since moved up north)

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CallmeBadJanet · 17/12/2021 17:26

Ask them, straight faced " Are you uncomfortable here? No? Oh... you seem quite negative. .." Then walk away.

user1471538283 · 17/12/2021 17:48

It is so rude. I stopped speaking to a cousin when he came to our last new house and ALL he did was criticise. "What you want to do is knock that wall down/build a conservatory/move the boiler/sort those fences out" and laughed at what I had done. When I questioned him about funding all this his answer was for me to learn stuff at night school and save. Oh do fuck off.