Guests at Xmas who critique your home

[FluffyCushion123]

Does anyone find the ‘helpful’ hints and tips of a well meaning relative really fucking stressful? I’ve got a really close relative coming who I love to bits but they are massively into decor and are a real foodie so things that they think of as making conversation or being helpful just adds to my stress levels.

No, I don’t want any advice about kitchen gadgets, recipe hacks, nice artwork that would transform my home or anything else in that vein.

The problem is that for them it’s just a regular conversation topic but to me it feels threatening somehow and stressful ( they are very stylish so feelings of inadequacy that it brings about doesn’t help).

Any advice? I usually find myself being quite contrary in response which is passive aggressive I suppose. How can I deal with this better?!

I find in these situations its best to comment on what's actually happening and see what they say.

E.g. person passing remarks/criticism but actually thinks they are just making conversation...

"It sounds like you have a lot to critique here?"

Often just a simple comment to raise awareness of what they are doing is enough to make them realise.

I suppose some people can get defensive at that point -oh no, don't be so sensitive, don't take it personally etc -"I guess it is personal because it's my home".

@WouldBeGood

Be clear. I’d go with something like “You know I think you have great taste, and hope you’ll help if we want to do more work, but talking about it just now makes me feel like my house/food isn’t good enough.”

Far, far too polite! Should start off I know YOU think you have great taste................................., the politer you are the more they'll do it, these people need constantly slapping down.

I have an uncle like this.
If one of my kids has dropped a bit of food under the kitchen table earlier in the day and I haven’t noticed, he’ll make a big show of changing seats away from it and wipe down his seat before sitting etc.
When I went to pick him up from his flat last Christmas, his floor had a few empty containers strewn across it (beer cans, bleach spray) and his sideboard and coffee table were covered in old newspapers, dirty plates and so on.
Apparently that’s all fine but a few mince pie crumbs dropped by a two year old is revolting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I stopped having 'guests' 10 years ago but I got fucking sick of people commenting rudely on my house... people proved time and time again they couldn't behave decently (either saying rude things to my face or gossiping behind my back) so they don't get invited anymore and I enjoy my sanctuary with just those who live here.

My best friends are both extroverts who LOVE a full house so I go to there's but as a introvert, the stress of people invading my personal bubble is bad enough but for them to then talk shit about my safe space... hell no.

I have a friend who came to stay and damned my house with faint praise. She praised a couple of small items (think ornaments and curtain rails) extravagantly and said nothing about the fact I'd had the whole place decorated, new furniture and light fittings and new flooring put down.

She won't be invited back.

@FangsForTheMemory

I have a friend who came to stay and damned my house with faint praise. She praised a couple of small items (think ornaments and curtain rails) extravagantly and said nothing about the fact I'd had the whole place decorated, new furniture and light fittings and new flooring put down.

She won't be invited back.

Oh wow. I think that’s a little bit harsh.

Well there's more to it than that, for example she tried to force me to do the washing up by hand rather than use my new dishwasher (washed up her own plate and said 'there you are Fangs, I've left the bowlful of water for you to wash your plate!' for example). I don't want to give too many details as they'd be a bit outing.

My DM does this every time she visits. She can't resist telling me the Christmas tree is leaning slightly or the dishwasher filter needs cleaning out. It drives me up the wall. It's so rude!

No advice really. I just grit my teeth and ignore it.

Just be upfront with him! “You’re always giving me interiors and cooking advice when you come round and it’s annoying, stop!” “No I don’t want to do XYZ, I like it how it is”. Although I’m not sure why you’d feel judged if you like your house how it is. My friend and I have polar opposite interiors taste but we can jokingly take the piss without feeling hurt by it. I painted stripes in my hallway and she calls it a demented circus, she likes crushed velvet and sequin cushions and I call her the queen of tack. But we both like our homes so nobody’s offended!

I just don't invite christian relatives round to my house because it looks like the witchcraft museum and they would all have fatal heart attacks crossing my threshold,

@androiduser

I know someone whose mother in law would run the hoover round, sort laundry and generally clean and tidy whilst looking after the grandchildren at their home.

The mother in law either thought she was being helpful, or in some underhand way intended to make the daughter-in-law feel inadequate. The mother in law would take great pleasure in reciting to the rest of the family the various jobs she had completed.

Has she any other single sons, do you know?

I know it raises your stress levels but is there any part of you that just wants to let them run on and on just out of interest so you can laugh about it with your DP or best friends after the event? I can’t wait for MIL to tell me what I ‘should’ have done - it gives me a good laugh!

My BIL(husband's brother) and his wife always used to visit and say "oh you should paint your hall this colour it's much better" or you should do this or that.... really used to hate it

I never see them now (widowed so they don't need to speak to me) and it's a relief

@FluffyCushion123

(They did host in the past but have since moved up north)

They stay with you too??

Suggest an alternate accommodation. They are ruining your holiday

Some people are completely clueless and don’t realise that unsolicited advice can often feel like criticism to the person on the receiving end.

No useful ideas how to tackle it though, quite a few of them about from the look of this thread

After DS was born prematurely DM called me up in hospital to tell me my fridge was a disgrace. To be fair she did clean the house from top to toe while I was in hospital but I did roll my eyes at her, some people have no idea of the impact of what they say. TBF at least she acted on what she said, BIL does sweet FA to help when he visits but constantly criticises and (even worse) changes things he doesn't like. We had to listen to choral music all of Christmas because he kept changing my Christmas music (Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby mainly, fairly uncontroversial I'd have thought) and broke the blinds in the playroom because he disagreed with how I far I opened them . And vocally slagged off the food I made but never offered to cook. I only put up with him because we want to have lovely MIL here for Xmas and apparently despite being in his 50s he can't ever host Christmas and always would rather spend Christmas with his Mum than his partner so we invite MIL and BIL invites himself.

I find a sharp ' oh do shut up ' usually shuts them up.

CallMeBadJanet
Another perfect answer. If they persisted after that, you would know they had it in for you and it was not inadvertent at all.

Call them out on their BS every time. And don’t invite them round again. Holiday time is meant to be relaxing.

I hear you OP. We live in a beautiful semi rural location. Edge of a village, surrounded by fields. We chose this location for a reason and the main appeal of the house is the beautiful 2 acre plot it stands on. We love nature and peace and quiet. Every single person that visits seems obsessed with the idea of selling part the garden to a developer and earning money so they can build a house or two in part of what is now our garden. We don’t want that and don’t need the money but people don’t listen. Family, friends, local tradespeople have all mentioned this on at least one occasion (some of them many more). We didn’t move to the country to live next to a building site

@FangsForTheMemory

I have a friend who came to stay and damned my house with faint praise. She praised a couple of small items (think ornaments and curtain rails) extravagantly and said nothing about the fact I'd had the whole place decorated, new furniture and light fittings and new flooring put down.

She won't be invited back.

She sounds jealous.

I think this is something you should accept about your guests. They are massively interested in decor etc so talk to them about it. If they say a certain scheme would look good ask them to explain why and put your own ideas forward.

My mil drove me crazy. I would work hard all day fixing a holiday feast. They she would arrive and point out things that needed cleaning or repair. After 25 years of marriage, a helpful marriage counselor helped me write a letter that set boundaries. It helped a lot and I wished I'd done it sooner.