Bought a lot to compensate- is it too much?

[whyola]

I've NC'd.

My children have had a hard year. My husband (their dad) and I separated, there have been other stressful family issues and I just kept buying things for my 4 year old but now I don't know if it's going to be too much and overwhelming?

Currently, the list stands at:

Belle and horse large toddler doll
Kindi kids doll
Spider-Man walkie talkies
Polly pocket set
Minnie Mouse hotel
Blanket
Soft toy x 2
Fairy doll
Peter rabbit jack in the box
Baby tumbles
Toy torch and projector
Busy book
Pyjamas
Figure sets from programme x 2
Books
Small light up fairy dolls x 2
New backpack
Bend and flex Spider-Man
Small cry baby
LOL small doll
Ring set
Makeup set (small)
Paint your own fairy set
Disney animators playset

And then some smaller things for stocking like dinosaur figure, very small soft baby, small soft Bing, bubble bath etc.

As I said, she's had a very hard year and I just kept getting things I saw that she'd like without thinking about what I had. Should I give it all to her on the day, or should I keep some of it back for later on next year?

[Franticbutterfly]

@ThePoisonousMushroom I don't think so either.

I tend to live by the principle that "different is not wrong". Some people love to give lots of gifts, some people don't. Some children might be overwhelmed with a lot of gifts, others will not. Different strokes and all that!

[Mischance]

I wouldn't be going out searching for worthy causes to donate to to make myself feel better

Some people do not give to worthy causes to make themselves feel better, but because they think it is the right thing to do. How sad that acts of kindness are seen in such a cynical light.

Thank goodness that most schools do not think like this and encourage their pupils to think of others and collect for people in need.

[elbea]

@Franticbutterfly It isn’t snobbery, I was merely pointing out that people have different values. I don’t value giving an abundance of toys, peer reviewed studies show that it’s isn’t beneficial developmentally. Everyone is different though, which was my point.

@CrimbleCrumble1 it’s funny because I work in agriculture and my daughter is growing up spending a lot of time surrounded by farming with the option to take over my husband’s family farm. She spends lots of time with my husband and shows interest in his cars. She absolutely loves her toy tractor, mud kitchen and being outside. The books for Christmas are about space and natural history.

Girls can like anything they want. I wasn’t aware that girls weren’t allowed to enjoy prams and pretending to cook.

[oakleaffy]

@whyola
You have bought WAAAY too much.
Kids want your Time and Attention most of all- That is what my DS said when he could articulate such feelings-
A bedtime story, Chats, material things came way down on his list.

[User1765]

I think that might be a bit overwhelming. I would return a few bits, or keep them for her birthday.

[00100001]

Mumsnet hates me, we only ever got our DS 1 gift at Christmas (aside from stocking stuff)


This iisbecause every year he would get these additional gifts;
Grandparents x 2
Auntie/uncles x 6
Family friends x 8
Neighbours x 2
School friends/parties x 6+
Cubs/scouts x 6+
Sports friends x 4+
colleagues x 3


So would easily end up with 40+ presents.
Which is plenty!

[Franticbutterfly]

[quote oakleaffy]@whyola
You have bought WAAAY too much.
Kids want your Time and Attention most of all- That is what my DS said when he could articulate such feelings-
A bedtime story, Chats, material things came way down on his list.[/quote]
It's not an either/or situation though. My DD13 said in November "Oh I love Christmas, I love the way the house smells, the food, the songs, the activities"...she didn't even mention presents. Giving children a lot of gifts isn't a substitute for proper parenting.

[SleepingStandingUp]

[quote oakleaffy]@whyola
You have bought WAAAY too much.
Kids want your Time and Attention most of all- That is what my DS said when he could articulate such feelings-
A bedtime story, Chats, material things came way down on his list.[/quote]
You know it's possible to do both right? Op can sit and watch daughter open those presents and sit and play with her. It isn't like she's locking her in her bedroom until she's opened 200 presents

[SleepingStandingUp]

a play kitchen, a beautiful pram from olliella, books and a few little bubbles and bubble baths for her stocking

No gender stereotyping then

Eh @CrimbleCrumble1?? Of five presents there's one that's considered a girl toy. The rest are solidly unisex.

[DanceInTheKitchen]

You know it's possible to do both right? Op can sit and watch daughter open those presents and sit and play with her. It isn't like she's locking her in her bedroom until she's opened 200 presents

Exactly. It’s strange that many people seem to think that if you buy your child lots of presents, you’re ignoring them in other ways.
We always used to but lots for our kids and then we spent the much of the day, and the following days, getting toys out of packaging, setting up, playing, building, as well as making/eating special meals, watching films, taking the dogs out. We always spend lots of time with our kids through the year too, not just at Christmas.
Now they’re teens, they want less ‘stuff’ but we still all spend lots of time together over Xmas and through the year.

[DanceInTheKitchen]

*buy

[MobyDicksTinyCanoe]

Mischance I donate and volunteer year round, I always give to Christmas appeals. I don't give toys, I give gifts suitable for teenagers because as im sure you're aware theyre the forgotten group when it comes to Christmas appeals.

Would I take toys away from the gifts ive bought my own child because of some misplaced guilt? Absolutely not.

[EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad]

@CrimbleCrumble1

*elbea

I think that’s the difference in peoples mindsets, my toddler has a few presents from us - a play kitchen, a beautiful pram from olliella, books and a few little bubbles and bubble baths for her stocking*
No gender stereotyping then.

Ffs

Get a grip.

[DockOTheBay]

@CrimbleCrumble1

*elbea

I think that’s the difference in peoples mindsets, my toddler has a few presents from us - a play kitchen, a beautiful pram from olliella, books and a few little bubbles and bubble baths for her stocking*
No gender stereotyping then.

Care to explain what is "gender sterotyping" about books, bubbles and role play toys?

[lillylemons]

I can't say that it's too much because I've brought roughly the same amount of things for ds4. He only gets gifts from us family give the kids money which goes in his bank.
My other 2 age 14 and 1 month have a lot less gifts than ds4 does due to their ages.

[Boggydog]

Agree with pp that mumsnet can be a bit judgy when it comes to these threads. Of course she needs love etc. but she also needs things to play with and children love toys and it’s okay to indulge that. I would buy my kids loads at Christmas, partly as they literally only receive presents from us, but my son is autistic and only likes about 2 things so that limits me! Maybe strip away some of the duplicates (like the dolls) and spread it out but it’s totally up to you and I’m sure you’ll have a great time. x

[Feckauras]

Holy fuck, a lot of judgemental people on this thread! Op, do what you want, don’t seek approval from people over the internet who seem to think their way is the right and only way. If it makes you feel better, I did similar with my ds14 when he was younger and he hasn’t turned into a spoilt monster, doesn’t expect anything and saves all his money. You’ll tend to find, you’ll just end up opening the presents up over the Christmas period. A child aged 4 won’t know what’s too much or too little, and there is no such thing, every household is different, don’t compare yourself.

[Fromthebirdsnest]

.. I have 4 children I buy them each 10-12 presents plus around 10 stocking fillers and an xmas eve box with a new book chocolate pjs and a present .. I'd say give her a few little gifts though December as there seems to be quite a few 'filler' gifts and do an xmas eve box with the Pjs .. x

[user33323]

I just wanted to come back and add, when my eldest was little and it was the first she understood and my first as a single parent I also went WAY overboard. I remember my sibling who was happily married had also gone way overboard with their similar age child though, and I think it's just easily done and a learning curve. I wrapped up way too much, wrapped up things individually, and they all did get fed up of opening things. It took me several years to learn to narrow it down. To not just buy all the bargains and get what they really would play with etc, and to always include some second hand gifts for environmental reasons.

Now, many years and several DC later I usually aim for about 10 presents of mixed things, (open ended toys and figures are played with more, and easier to store than playsets for eg) I get things to do indoors and outdoors, but it's taken me years to perfect that and still my DH thinks it's way overboard and he is one of those 'I was happy with one present and a satsuma...' So you will simply never please everyone. In my experience, she won't expect the same amount next year just because you did it this year, they don't remember. The one I went overboard with for a while has never expected a thing and been grateful for everything.

I remember a friend of mine telling me he always got a huge amount of toys, as he was an only child, and he thinks it made him the opposite of spoiled because it taught him to give and be generous, and he certainly is like that. It's true that I know many adults that were given a lot of material things as children and aren't spoiled. I really think it's down to personality, and if you teach them to give and say thank you that makes the difference. So while I think you may regret some of your purchases, you obviously recognise it already as you wouldn't have posted otherwise, and it's a skill you can refine each year.

[CornishGem1975]

Fuck it OP, I love a big pile of presents and my DC, were never ungrateful or overwhelmed when they were little. We used to open them slowly over the course of the day - they'd still have presents to open in the early evening.

[DSGR]

It’s funny that people think that kids who get lots of presents aren’t loved and are neglected in other ways

[MobyDicksTinyCanoe]

DSGR my dcs are adults, dc is 20 and had been puffing his lips because we haven't done any Christmas baking together yet like we do every year...... Dd has been dropping hints so I make sure that at 23 ai know she isn't too old for the Beano annual she gets each year...... Ds is always excited by the fact we can all go to midnight mass together this year. And we have a carol concert at the rugby club next week.

All of that despite the fact theyve always had big, OTT piles at Christmas. My multi tasking must be on point, I've managed to love my kids, spend time with them to build memories and healthy relationships all whilst stripping toys r us bare.

[TheFairPrincess]

Surely it's more about the people, the games, the fun, the going for a walk together, the food etc, rather than the number of things you open.

Not at all, thats not remotely what Christmas is about, in fact those things arent even any part of xmas:

We stay just us and the kids at xmas... the last thing I want is other people intruding on our day

We don't play 'games' much unless the kids want us to play one of their new games with then

Going for a walk lol, my idea of actual HELL... who wants to go walking in the pissing sleet when they can be cosy at home?

The food... never got the idea of going crazy on food at Xmas, its just Sunday dinner and no need to turn into an overstuffed pig for the sake of it.

This post sounds so joyless :( What is Christmas about then if not about company and spending time together? My kids are absolutely thrilled when we play any kind of games with them, on Christmas we play video games, party games, board games.

If you're not enjoying a special meal together, not playing together, what are you doing? I don't mean with extended family we also just spend it just us. I bet the kids would love some games and things.

[repottingthescabious]

yes its too much and you won't replace her dad with things.

stop trying to assuage your guilty feelings by bying yourself out of a situation that has already happened.

[TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits]

I don't understand posters who say 'you're setting expectations' and inferring that DC will become inherently spoilt from getting a large pile at Christmas.

I admittedly go mad for DD, it's just me buying and when I go to the shops I end up saying 'Oh she'll like that, she'll love this...' and before I know it I've two trolleys full.

She is the most generous, kind and thoughtful little girl you could meet. She doesn't ask for anything, and is just as happy with a little pouch of chocolate coins or a magazine as a treat. She doesn't expect anything.

Surely you teach them to be grateful. It's a lesson. She appreciates and looks after all of her belongings and it's most definitely not 'stuff' to her, they're treasured.