Bought a lot to compensate- is it too much?

[whyola]

I've NC'd.

My children have had a hard year. My husband (their dad) and I separated, there have been other stressful family issues and I just kept buying things for my 4 year old but now I don't know if it's going to be too much and overwhelming?

Currently, the list stands at:

Belle and horse large toddler doll
Kindi kids doll
Spider-Man walkie talkies
Polly pocket set
Minnie Mouse hotel
Blanket
Soft toy x 2
Fairy doll
Peter rabbit jack in the box
Baby tumbles
Toy torch and projector
Busy book
Pyjamas
Figure sets from programme x 2
Books
Small light up fairy dolls x 2
New backpack
Bend and flex Spider-Man
Small cry baby
LOL small doll
Ring set
Makeup set (small)
Paint your own fairy set
Disney animators playset

And then some smaller things for stocking like dinosaur figure, very small soft baby, small soft Bing, bubble bath etc.

As I said, she's had a very hard year and I just kept getting things I saw that she'd like without thinking about what I had. Should I give it all to her on the day, or should I keep some of it back for later on next year?

[Icebreaker99]

16 and that includes Christmas day outfit and pjs, everything in the sock and Christmas Eve box, she'll then get gifts from others so I'm thinking we will be around the 20-25 mark depending who gives her gifts. I'm not counting money in this as that goes on saving.

70 is insane! How can you possibly enjoy/appreciate that many items? I couldn't.

[Lovemusic33]

I have counted mine too, made lists on my phone, both teen DC’s have around 17 presents plus stocking.

15 year old has…a large Lego set which was £100 but most of her other presents are just small things like…kinder selection box, Simpsons tshirt, rubicks fidget spinners, diamond art, art supplies, scientific calculator and a oodie.

17 year old is getting…Pokemon switch game and joycons as her main present, then lots of small things which are mainly T-shirt’s, chocolate, oodie and a lava lamp.

Although it’s almost 20 gifts it doesn’t look much and hasn’t cost a fortune. Dd1 needed some clothes so I would have bought those things anyway. Stockings are all things that cost £3 or less, mainly chocolate, socks, hair bands, bath bomb etc..

In the last I have bought the same amount or more than OP, it was way too much really for small kids and a lot of it didn’t really get played with, I could have easily got away with just buying a third of the amount. My dc get a lot but don’t act spoilt, never ask for anything, they don’t want the latest trainers or branded clothes, they appreciate everything they get and understand that others get less or more. We don’t buy as much for birthdays (though next year they have big birthdays), we don’t buy things throughout the year unless it’s something they really need and we don’t go on expensive holidays.

Everyone does Christmas differently, I don’t think a child will grow up spoilt just because they got 30 presents for Christmas.

[DoucheCanoe]

Just counted up which isn't something I'd normally do but...

15yo has 20 things all in:
DSLR camera, DSLR lens, oodie, band clothing, full studio album band cd collection, magazine subscription renewal, 2x band books, Oreo selection box and am inflatable guitar (because he's a keen air guitarist )

Stocking: Rubik's orb, photography book, Wanka bar (novelty chocolate bar), lock blocks fidget, fidget ring, chew tags, £30 voucher for sensory store, magnetic fidget pen, chocolate coins, IEM headphones & Christmas socks.

9yo has 21 things all in: Go-kart, tie dye kit, oodie, Spy Ninja outfit, Screwball scramble, childs farm toiletry bag & toiletries, echo dot & selection box.

Stocking: Hair brush, scrunchies/clips, clip on earrings/rings, Uno, TY bear, purse, pop it fidget spinner, 2x Barbie DVD's, joke book, Barbie book, candy cane pencil, Chocolate coins & Christmas socks.

Both got an advent calendar on the 1st and we have a bit of a silly tradition where they get a box of their favourite over processed, sugar laden, extortionate cereal and new PJ's on Christmas Eve. Both will get a few small bits and/or cash from relatives too.

So I guess probably about 30-35 things each from everyone which seems a bit much now despite not looking it!

[TheFairPrincess]

I was just going through what I've got and was a bit shocked to finish listing out everything DD has:


Under the tree:
Ariel Sparkle and Sing Doll
Sing Along Elsa
Magic Mixie
Hatchimals Flying Pixie
Colour Reveal Barbie
Pink Makeup Suitcase
Frozen Charades Game
Tea Set
Frozen Outfit
Fox Onesie
Orchard Game

Stocking:
French Knitting Mushroom and Wool
Miraculous Mask and Yoyo
Mini Backpack for Bunny
LOL Pet Surprise
Penguin Egg
Schleich Horse
Skipping Rope
Frozen Mini Beauty Set
Frozen Torch
Chocolate Coins
Chocolate Orange
Sweeties
Christmas Lollipop
Frozen Pez

Plus a tablet from her nanny, a money box from her aunt, a large Squishmallow from her uncle and some pajamas and a toy from her great aunt.

That's 30 presents but that's including absolutely every item she will receive down to the sweets in her stocking and all family gifts. "Proper gifts" would be more like 25 and only there will be 16 under the tree. It feels like absolutely loads :/

[SleepingStandingUp]

Oh god I'm going to have to count now 😂

Eldest 6 has ~£125-150
3 costumes from show A - 2nd hand
2 onsies from show A - 2nd hand
Toy from show B - 2nd hand
Cuddly from show B - new
Costume from show B - new
Figures from show B - 2nd hand
Bag from show B - new
Board game - 2nd hand
Jigsaw from show C - 2nd hand
Game from show C - new
Torch from show C - 2nd hand
Toy from show C - new
Tshirt from show D - 2nd hand
Cuddly from show D - 2nd hand
Several books - mainly 2nd hand
Cuddly - new
Toy - 2nd hand
Jigsaw from show E - 2nd hand
Book from show E - new

He understands that we pass on our things and sometimes we get things other people used to use. I think it's a healthy attitude in terms of decluttering and consuming responsibility

[TheFairPrincess]

@mam0918

Fair enough, everyone does things differently but it's more the way you said Christmas is not about those things at all... Obviously for a lot of people Christmas is very much about spending time with family, eating a special meal etc. It just seemed a bit bizarre to say that. Obviously a lot of people are not religious so Christmas becomes a very family oriented occasion.

Also, I was going to reply to what I thought was a different poster but turns out it was you too... Do you really honestly believe 70 gifts is only a happy medium? For one child? Also, you say everyone is counting "wrong" but I've spoken to lots of people IRL and scoured many mumsnet threads since having DC and I have never seen anyone have such a different view of what the question "What do your DC get for Christmas". I've never heard anyone else count every little item or treat their DC gets for the whole month of December, the OP and rest of us were talking about what the DC have to open on Christmas Day. The most controversy I've ever seen over that topic is whether you count stocking fillers in your total or not....

It must be pretty obvious that 70 is not a standard/middle of the road/average number of presents. I don't think getting loads makes you spoiled, I got loads as a kid while my mum grew up poor, neither of us are spoiled personalities, both generous and giving. I just think it is all too easy to make Christmas about solely receiving gifts. Though I suppose if that's what your into why is it my business to judge really. Wouldn't do so myself though..

[theleafandnotthetree]

@Franticbutterfly

I don't think it's too much. My girls always get 40-50 gifts from us, plus loads (20?) from their grandparents. It's never been an issue. They love Christmas (as do I) and they have never acted spoilt or entitled, they don't even ask us for anything (DD8's main request this year is a fidget toy that costs £3). You're over thinking it.

I'm sorry but that is obscene, do you give ANY thought to the resources needed to produce, ship, retail that amount of stuff. Man, we are screwed...

[Icebreaker99]

For instance my kids get 12 wrapped gifts from me (1 big rest smaller), 12 small/cheap gifts from santa in a sack, 20 items in their stocking (although a lot of it is sweets)... thats 44 items just in the basics.

Oh my gosh the idea of that amount of stuff every year! How do you store it all as you seem to be talking about multiple kids?!

[mam0918]

@TheFairPrincess

*Surely it's more about the people, the games, the fun, the going for a walk together, the food etc, rather than the number of things you open.

Not at all, thats not remotely what Christmas is about, in fact those things arent even any part of xmas:

We stay just us and the kids at xmas... the last thing I want is other people intruding on our day

We don't play 'games' much unless the kids want us to play one of their new games with then

Going for a walk lol, my idea of actual HELL... who wants to go walking in the pissing sleet when they can be cosy at home?

The food... never got the idea of going crazy on food at Xmas, its just Sunday dinner and no need to turn into an overstuffed pig for the sake of it.*

This post sounds so joyless :( What is Christmas about then if not about company and spending time together? My kids are absolutely thrilled when we play any kind of games with them, on Christmas we play video games, party games, board games.

If you're not enjoying a special meal together, not playing together, what are you doing? I don't mean with extended family we also just spend it just us. I bet the kids would love some games and things.

My 5 month old doesnt play games, My teen is off doing his own things with his friends... didn't realise forcing them to somehow play uno would make it magically xmas.

We go out for meals out and watch films etc... EVERY month not just December, why do people think you only spend time together at xmas.

The thing that makes xmas different is things like the traditions of St. Nick, Wassail, Epiphany etc... we don't need to spend any more time together because we spend time together all bloody year and there's nothing 'depressing' about the fact my kids don't have to feel thankful for my attention only 1 month of the year lol.

[Grumpasaurus]

Holy! Way too much!

DS is five and ALL of his presents- so from Santa, aunties, uncles, grandparents, etc are:

Telescope
Drum kit for his drum lessons
Art easel and craft stuff
Jumping rope
Books
Board games
Some sweets

That's it! And I think that is a lot!

[Mischance]

My DD once wrote a letter to FC: "What I would like for Christmas is a brown felt tip pen." Needless to say she got one!

[mam0918]

[quote oakleaffy]@whyola
You have bought WAAAY too much.
Kids want your Time and Attention most of all- That is what my DS said when he could articulate such feelings-
A bedtime story, Chats, material things came way down on his list.[/quote]
My kids have my time and attention 24/7, I work part time from home with them every single day... they practically climb the walls to get away from me and see other people lol.

Believe it or not its not an either-or you can give your kids BOTH your time and toys.

[Storminamu]

When they were younger, my DC usually got about 15 presents. I now think that was too much, but it included books, CDs and dvds. They would also have very small stocking presents, plus two or three from family. As older teenagers, it's a lot less than that this year.

[mam0918]

@TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits

I don't understand posters who say 'you're setting expectations' and inferring that DC will become inherently spoilt from getting a large pile at Christmas.

I admittedly go mad for DD, it's just me buying and when I go to the shops I end up saying 'Oh she'll like that, she'll love this...' and before I know it I've two trolleys full.

She is the most generous, kind and thoughtful little girl you could meet. She doesn't ask for anything, and is just as happy with a little pouch of chocolate coins or a magazine as a treat. She doesn't expect anything.

Surely you teach them to be grateful. It's a lesson. She appreciates and looks after all of her belongings and it's most definitely not 'stuff' to her, they're treasured.

Same, I got loads as a kid and never asked for anything and still don't as an adult (I never throw things away, don't upgrade until something breaks and never buy something I can't afford outright, I would rather go without than get into debt). My kids never ask for anything either.

My friends who felt hard done by as kids beg for loads of stuff, always have their hands out and all live in debt (they are lovely people in other ways and do share but they still chase the Jones). It like as adults they are chasing all the things they wanted and never got as kids so I don't believe for one second depriving your kid of stuff makes the more appreciative of what they have, it makes them want what they don't have.

[ThePoisonousMushroom]

@mam0918 mine get one thing from Santa, plus stocking (8-10 things). I have bought them 4 things from us. They then get a present from my mum, one from my dad, one from PIL’s and one from SIL. It’s plenty, and they always have a lovely day!

[mam0918]

@Mischance

I dont think that's too much between two kids at all...... Ignore all the my kids get a notebook and a twig and mud to write with and they're happy brigade. That lot seems about average, let the kids enjoy it!

Maybe there is a happy medium!!

less than 27 is NOT a happy medium though... a medium for us would be around 70 items and its not all 'tat'.

I think the issue is others don't count up things correctly, that HAS to be it because I don't believe any kid is only getting 3-5 things.

For instance my kids get 12 wrapped gifts from me (1 big rest smaller), 12 small/cheap gifts from santa in a sack, 20 items in their stocking (although a lot of it is sweets)... thats 44 items just in the basics.

I keep records of everything, every annual, PJs and selection box etc... is counted - over all with everything from st. Nick day through Epiphany (full 1 month of xmaas) my kids get 100+ thing but it doesn't cost much (I spend under £120 per kid) and nothing ends up in the bin a week later (or at all).

[TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits]

I don't understand posters who say 'you're setting expectations' and inferring that DC will become inherently spoilt from getting a large pile at Christmas.

I admittedly go mad for DD, it's just me buying and when I go to the shops I end up saying 'Oh she'll like that, she'll love this...' and before I know it I've two trolleys full.

She is the most generous, kind and thoughtful little girl you could meet. She doesn't ask for anything, and is just as happy with a little pouch of chocolate coins or a magazine as a treat. She doesn't expect anything.

Surely you teach them to be grateful. It's a lesson. She appreciates and looks after all of her belongings and it's most definitely not 'stuff' to her, they're treasured.

[repottingthescabious]

yes its too much and you won't replace her dad with things.

stop trying to assuage your guilty feelings by bying yourself out of a situation that has already happened.

[TheFairPrincess]

Surely it's more about the people, the games, the fun, the going for a walk together, the food etc, rather than the number of things you open.

Not at all, thats not remotely what Christmas is about, in fact those things arent even any part of xmas:

We stay just us and the kids at xmas... the last thing I want is other people intruding on our day

We don't play 'games' much unless the kids want us to play one of their new games with then

Going for a walk lol, my idea of actual HELL... who wants to go walking in the pissing sleet when they can be cosy at home?

The food... never got the idea of going crazy on food at Xmas, its just Sunday dinner and no need to turn into an overstuffed pig for the sake of it.

This post sounds so joyless :( What is Christmas about then if not about company and spending time together? My kids are absolutely thrilled when we play any kind of games with them, on Christmas we play video games, party games, board games.

If you're not enjoying a special meal together, not playing together, what are you doing? I don't mean with extended family we also just spend it just us. I bet the kids would love some games and things.

[MobyDicksTinyCanoe]

DSGR my dcs are adults, dc is 20 and had been puffing his lips because we haven't done any Christmas baking together yet like we do every year...... Dd has been dropping hints so I make sure that at 23 ai know she isn't too old for the Beano annual she gets each year...... Ds is always excited by the fact we can all go to midnight mass together this year. And we have a carol concert at the rugby club next week.

All of that despite the fact theyve always had big, OTT piles at Christmas. My multi tasking must be on point, I've managed to love my kids, spend time with them to build memories and healthy relationships all whilst stripping toys r us bare.

[DSGR]

It’s funny that people think that kids who get lots of presents aren’t loved and are neglected in other ways

[CornishGem1975]

Fuck it OP, I love a big pile of presents and my DC, were never ungrateful or overwhelmed when they were little. We used to open them slowly over the course of the day - they'd still have presents to open in the early evening.

[user33323]

I just wanted to come back and add, when my eldest was little and it was the first she understood and my first as a single parent I also went WAY overboard. I remember my sibling who was happily married had also gone way overboard with their similar age child though, and I think it's just easily done and a learning curve. I wrapped up way too much, wrapped up things individually, and they all did get fed up of opening things. It took me several years to learn to narrow it down. To not just buy all the bargains and get what they really would play with etc, and to always include some second hand gifts for environmental reasons.

Now, many years and several DC later I usually aim for about 10 presents of mixed things, (open ended toys and figures are played with more, and easier to store than playsets for eg) I get things to do indoors and outdoors, but it's taken me years to perfect that and still my DH thinks it's way overboard and he is one of those 'I was happy with one present and a satsuma...' So you will simply never please everyone. In my experience, she won't expect the same amount next year just because you did it this year, they don't remember. The one I went overboard with for a while has never expected a thing and been grateful for everything.

I remember a friend of mine telling me he always got a huge amount of toys, as he was an only child, and he thinks it made him the opposite of spoiled because it taught him to give and be generous, and he certainly is like that. It's true that I know many adults that were given a lot of material things as children and aren't spoiled. I really think it's down to personality, and if you teach them to give and say thank you that makes the difference. So while I think you may regret some of your purchases, you obviously recognise it already as you wouldn't have posted otherwise, and it's a skill you can refine each year.

[Fromthebirdsnest]

.. I have 4 children I buy them each 10-12 presents plus around 10 stocking fillers and an xmas eve box with a new book chocolate pjs and a present .. I'd say give her a few little gifts though December as there seems to be quite a few 'filler' gifts and do an xmas eve box with the Pjs .. x

[Feckauras]

Holy fuck, a lot of judgemental people on this thread! Op, do what you want, don’t seek approval from people over the internet who seem to think their way is the right and only way. If it makes you feel better, I did similar with my ds14 when he was younger and he hasn’t turned into a spoilt monster, doesn’t expect anything and saves all his money. You’ll tend to find, you’ll just end up opening the presents up over the Christmas period. A child aged 4 won’t know what’s too much or too little, and there is no such thing, every household is different, don’t compare yourself.