Gift ideas for terminally ill Mum

[33goingon64]

My DM is just starting end of life care, with an expectancy of a few months. She'll be at home, but by Christmas I would imagine she'll be largely in bed in one room - so I'm thinking of ideas for presents that will cheer her up and make the room a bit nicer.

Thoughts so far: snuggly socks, reed diffuser or similar... and there I ran out of ideas. I don't think she'll be able to read much by then and may not be able to hold on to awkward or heavy things.

She has an Alexa and we can set up a TV with Netflix.

Does anyone know about diffusers like this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Neom-Wellbeing-Essential-Diffuser-Fragrance/dp/B089MC1V78/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?keywords=diffuser&th=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFFSzVCT1cxQjBBRFomZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAwNTI5NDczNlBLOVVRRDJGVjFJJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAxMjc4OTgxWUNBNzJWR0ZDMDUmd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1636725694&sr=8-1-spons

Are they worth the money? Any better suggestions? I'm thinking the room might become a bit fuggy...

It's all super sad but just trying to think of things she will appreciate.
Thanks for any ideas.

@Shedbuilder

I nursed my mum at home for her last six months so I've done this. Focus on what your mum will like/ enjoy and not on what you'd enjoy or think your mum ought to enjoy. In my mum's final weeks people brought all kinds of inappropriate items that were never used.

You know your mum. You know whether she's the kind of woman who likes to have smelly hand cream or a cashmere shawl or scent. My mum wasn't that kind of woman.

Some people take comfort from seeing photos of their loved ones and for others it's absolute torture, a reminder of all they're losing. I'd talk to your mum about what she might like and focus on making her as comfortable as possible. I bought my mum a couple of luxurious things — a throw and a very expensive dressing gown — in that end time and she knew, and so did I, that it was a kind of desperate attempt to pretend that the end wasn't around the corner and felt a bit fake. What she really appreciated was a very gentle hair wash and set every week. It exhausted her but she like to feel her hair looked nice.

I would be careful of scented products/ diffusers etc. If people are feeling nauseous or hypersensitive then scents can make it worse. The whole thing about scenting a room is that the people in the room very quickly get used to the smell and can't smell it. So your mum won't get much benefit from it.

Audio books, heated blankets, large pillows, a soft throw, a really comfortable armchair and leg rest, maybe a video player and some old favourite DVDs for the middle of the night. Later she might appreciate something to hold and squeeze and fiddle with: I bought a soft toy dog, around the size of a lapdog, for one elderly aunt and she just enjoyed having something to hold. You will find out what your mum needs as you go along.

Good luck to you all. This can be a strangely wonderful time.

Thank you, I recognise everything you've said. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

33goingon64, I'm glad if that seemed appropriate. One never knows and of course a lot of it depends on your mum's age and what she's suffering from. Although it half killed me, I'll always be grateful for those awful-wonderful months when a lot of the discomfort that had existed between us got sorted out. I hope that one day you will feel the same way.

@Shedbuilder

33goingon64, I'm glad if that seemed appropriate. One never knows and of course a lot of it depends on your mum's age and what she's suffering from. Although it half killed me, I'll always be grateful for those awful-wonderful months when a lot of the discomfort that had existed between us got sorted out. I hope that one day you will feel the same way.

At the moment she wants to talk. Just talk, all the time. She knows this is the best she'll be and wants to get it all out there while she can. She's a remarkable woman, a teacher and a social worker in days gone by, passionate about empowering people to make change and improve their lives. She's been a huge influence in our lives and it's going to be very strange when she's not around anymore.

Have you thought about recording her thoughts? Obviously with her permission. I've found it very sad, since my parents and DH's parents have passed that there's no-one to ask about our family history.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship -though it was infinitely better the last few years before she passed and I am not a very show my feelings sort of person.

Since I was a teenager, we have been mostly estranged, and not once had we hugged/kissed, nor done any “I love you’s” etc. I am now in my 30’s.

Last year, her cancer treatment stopped working and she was given weeks left to live.

I immediately ordered and posted to her a Hotel Chocolat gift set with a tiny gift note just apologising for not being very good with words and telling her I loved her.

My stepdad casually mentioned to me when we were going through her belongings, that out of all the sympathy gifts people had bought her, that she treasured that little note the most.

I guess, sometimes just some heartfelt words on a silly free gift note can mean a lot more than the actual physical gift.

You have my sympathies OP. X

She sounds like a wonderful woman and I can imagine you will feel her loss greatly. You might want to talk to her about recording her talking to you. I regret that my my mum died before the days when we all had iPads and phones you could use to video things. It would be a comfort to be able to go back to some of those very funny and touching conversations we had over a crossword puzzle or a game of Scrabble.

Such a difficult thing to be going through. And Christmas is particularly hard, when everyone else seems to be so full of joy!
Here are a few things I gave to my dad when he was in a hospice at Christmas time a couple of years ago...

• a Bluetooth speaker so he could listen to his favourite music from his phone
• a natural light lamp, as it was hard for him to distinguish between day and night when he was sleeping a lot during the day
• a special cushion with pictures on that were personal to him (my mum has it on her sofa now)
• I ordered one of those story books that are specially printed with names of your choice as the main characters. I used my dad's name and my son's name (he was a toddler at the time), with the idea that I would read it to my son in the future and talk about my dad with him. It was really lovely as it was personalised with certain details.

Whatever you give it will be emotional - there were certainly tears for us!
Thinking of you x

I feel for you, I was in this position last year. I bought my mum a lovely patchwork throw with her name embroidered into it. She only got to use it for 2 weeks before she passed, I'm glad I gave her it as an early Christmas present.

Something personalised, or if you could manage it, made by you. I made my Grandmother a pin cushion for Christmas, not knowing when I made it that it would be her last. She was taken ill just before Christmas, and died a couple of weeks later.
So she was not able to make any use of most of what she was given, but I know she really treasured the pin cushion because I had made it, leaving me with a really happy memory.

The most privileged moment I had with my mum before she passed away was to massage her feet with just a simple moisturiser - the closeness for me as quite a foot phobic, and the ‘pleasure’/relief/closeness for us both was just…..

So maybe something simple and enveloping will be perfect.

Thinking of you 💐

If she does like scent, these are little aromatherapy balms you can put on (I use the focus one when I have a headache as the mint seems to help)

https://scentered.me

These are the space masks, they are SO relaxing as they heat up. I use them if my eyes are tired or before I go to sleep

https://spacemasks.com

I feel for you OP knowing you are going to lose your DM. You say she just wants to talk so let her do that and enjoy hearing her speak. My DM died of cancer five years ago and the realisation when she died that I would never hear her voice again was awful. Just sitting with her and chatting, letting her reminisce or whatever will be something she can enjoy. Make the most of every day that you have together, this time will be all too short sadly.

Micellar water is very refreshing wiped on the face and will help with general fugginess in the room. Little individual bowls of jelly made up are good if her appetite isn't good, refreshing and with a bit of sweetness to keep her going.

I told my Mum every night before she went to sleep that I loved her, kissed her goodnight and would see her in the morning. I hadn't done that for years but it felt natural to me to do it.

Whatever you do will be right and your Mum will love you for doing it. Take care of yourself as well.

We focused on making what we knew was likely to be the last Christmas as "family Christmassy" as possible.

This takes a bit of juggling and I'd talk to her and the end of life carers/nurses about plans as well as the trick is maximising the time without exhausting her. Little things like decorating the room for Christmas and spending parts of the day with her, parts of the day with quiet times is quite important.

Regarding smells - depending on the illness these can help or annoy if senses are affected by the illness. Again check with both DM and staff for likely progression.

For gifts we bought the kind of nice little luxuries suggested on the thread - early flowering bulbs, her favourite perfume, silk/cashmere socks etc just as if she was going to get years of use out of them.

She also enjoyed audio books and videos but of old favourites rather than new and challenging.

One thing I would say is that whilst its indescribably sad knowing it is or is likely to be the last Christmas, you have the opportunity to make it special. I get a lot of comfort thinking how much she enjoyed that Christmas with all the family there, her grandchildren and their partners and the prospect of new life.

When my sister was dying I arranged for a reflexologist to visit weekly. She would create a lovely atmosphere with aromatherapy oils, dim lighting and soft music. After the treatment my sister would drift into a peaceful sleep. It was one of the most usful things I was able to do for her.

My dad died of cancer in a hospice on Xmas day, and he was very much into classical music. We put all his favourite ones on a cd for Xmas, and played it in his room on Xmas day. Hoping it was comforting for him. Does your mum like any specific genres of music you could download for her?

I would suggest a pod diffuser rather than a reed diffuser as you can get lots of different oils so that she can change the aroma to suit her mood. I have this one and it is very good, but a bit ££. TK Maxx often have them for reasonable prices.

I’m so sorry your mother is unwell. I’ve been there with my father. 💐

www.johnlewis.com/neom-organics-london-wellbeing-pod-diffuser/p3407178

Fresh flowers and hand cream that you can rub in for her. When my DGM was in a care home and wanted nothing she had pedicures and manicures each week and every time I saw her i would rub my hand cream into both our hands. It's something she always did for me as a child.

I've just been speaking to someone whose elderly mother has become bedridden recently and she mentioned how her mother really appreciated a long hot water bottle. It may not be appropriate for your mother, OP, but I'd never heard of them previously and I can see how they might be useful:

warmies.co.uk/collections/warmies®-long-hot-water-bottles/products/warmies®-extra-long-hot-water-bottle-cream-knit

If she's keen to talk I recommend a notebook for you. My dad was the same and I learned fascinating things about him and his family that he had never mentioned before. I didn't write stuff down in front of him but later, while I could recall the smallest details.

So sorry for you and your family

If she is still able to enjoy a book or a kindle a bean bag book rest is lightweight and soft on the lap.

www.risemobility.co.uk/product/ipad-tablet-book-rest/

There are loads on Amazon and Etsy too.

The white company diffusers are lovely, especially Seychelles

So sorry about your mother

All these suggestions are wonderful,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. A friend of mine died a couple of months ago. She said what I sent her a few weeks before her death was the most moving gift she had ever received. I got a small, beautifully bound notebook with thick, rough pages and on each page I wrote a memory I had of her or something we had done together and described the images/feelings I had of each one. I was very careful with my language so that it didn’t seem like a “farewell” gift, more like an appreciation of her and our friendship. Of course, if you can talk with your mum about these things then even better (I remember one lovely conversation with my own mum, in the dark, shortly before she died). Look after each other 🌹

My mother got a lot of pleasure out of an orchid at her bedside when she was terminally ill; it lasted for literally months and gave her something beautiful to look at.

We bought my grandmother a beautiful, soft teddy (well, bunny!) and she hugged him when she went to sleep every night. I kept him after she died.