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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Gift ideas for terminally ill Mum

144 replies

33goingon64 · 12/11/2021 14:04

My DM is just starting end of life care, with an expectancy of a few months. She'll be at home, but by Christmas I would imagine she'll be largely in bed in one room - so I'm thinking of ideas for presents that will cheer her up and make the room a bit nicer.

Thoughts so far: snuggly socks, reed diffuser or similar... and there I ran out of ideas. I don't think she'll be able to read much by then and may not be able to hold on to awkward or heavy things.

She has an Alexa and we can set up a TV with Netflix.

Does anyone know about diffusers like this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Neom-Wellbeing-Essential-Diffuser-Fragrance/dp/B089MC1V78/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?keywords=diffuser&th=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFFSzVCT1cxQjBBRFomZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAwNTI5NDczNlBLOVVRRDJGVjFJJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAxMjc4OTgxWUNBNzJWR0ZDMDUmd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1636725694&sr=8-1-spons

Are they worth the money? Any better suggestions? I'm thinking the room might become a bit fuggy...

It's all super sad but just trying to think of things she will appreciate.
Thanks for any ideas.

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 12/11/2021 19:18

I'm so sorry. Flowers

I think if it were me, I'd like really good quality bedlinen and a bedcover that delighted me, in my favourite colours and textures.

My mum died in a care home. For her last Christmas, I made sure she had a small tree in her room. She also had a lava lamp and a fibre optic Christmas tree. She wasn't up to watching television so the gentle movement in those gave her something to focus on.

ohwhattodowithmylife · 12/11/2021 19:23

Palliative care nurse here - if she is feeling anxious at all then a weighted blanket can be great.
Also music is a great option - sending love and strength x

astoundedgoat · 12/11/2021 19:27

Ohhhhh - this is maybe an important one. Find people who were important to her when she was young and get them to call/visit her.

When my Mum was dying she was VERY interested in speaking to certain people, including a boss she had adored in the company where my parents met 45 years ago. I tracked him down in the phone book (old school!) and rang his phone number and his wife answered and knew exactly who I was and an hour later he was at her bedside. Honestly probably the most special moment of that week for her. She died the next day.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 12/11/2021 19:27

First of all, much love to you. I was in this situation this time last year. I bought my mum some essential oils and handkerchiefs - a few drops meant she had something really nice to smell. She could tuck the hanky between her pillows and had a really nice smell without anything being fuggy. Nice hand creams as her skin was very dry. A soft bed jacket to keep her arms, shoulders and upper back warm and snuggle into. Mum also loved the christmas lights when we put them up and got a real kick out of them, so something twinkly to look at. All the best to all of you.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 12/11/2021 19:28

@astoundedgoat

Ohhhhh - this is maybe an important one. Find people who were important to her when she was young and get them to call/visit her.

When my Mum was dying she was VERY interested in speaking to certain people, including a boss she had adored in the company where my parents met 45 years ago. I tracked him down in the phone book (old school!) and rang his phone number and his wife answered and knew exactly who I was and an hour later he was at her bedside. Honestly probably the most special moment of that week for her. She died the next day.

That made me cry. How lovely.
H1Drangea · 12/11/2021 19:28

When my mum was dying she was always warm , so the snuggly socks and things wouldn’t have worked
Cotton nightie might be good
Flowers , spring bulbs ( hyacinth and paper whites smell wonderful )
Hand cream , nail oils etc , and just spending time with her and chatting as you rub the cream in for her
My DS was only 6 when she died , and she really laughed ( and cried , we all did ) when in his sweet mind he wanted to give her a get well card with a £5 note in it to buy some medicine to make her better

WingingItSince1973 · 12/11/2021 19:33

So sorry about your dear mum. The scarf and perfume idea are lovely. Something you can treasure after. I love my heated throw it really eases pain for me so might be useful. Lots of love to you xxx

astoundedgoat · 12/11/2021 19:33

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers I've set myself off now too... I miss her so much.

Highlights12 · 12/11/2021 19:41

I remember seeing a book that you give to your mum & she fills in her favourite things & then its a keepsake for yourself. More for you than your mum. Sorry I didn't know about it befor my mum died. Can't remember on what site but online somewhere.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 12/11/2021 19:45

We used a projector of my DD's (from amazon, about £50 quid) to play a slideshow of pictures, and films etc on the ceiling, so mum could lie in bed and watch, without needing to hold herself up.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 12/11/2021 19:51

Ooh, and we used the projector for livestreams of different places around the world, she was very nosy and a people watcher, so loved seeing what was going on. Some of them were beautiful and scenic, but her favourite was Times Square. There are also some great very long youtube videos with nice background, eg sunset, and light classical music over, than she really enjoyed.

Furball · 12/11/2021 19:56

So sorry that you and your DM are going through this @33goingon64 Flowers

I bought my mum some wrist warmers which someone else here had recommended. They proved really useful as she could have her arms out of the covers without getting cold.

She also had a bottle of her favourite body lotion and really enjoyed being pampered like that after she was washed.

I also used to reminisce alot with her about childhood holidays and other memories usually with a funny tale of when we got lost or other comical events which she really enjoyed.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 12/11/2021 19:58

@Highlights12 - my mum did this for me - I was so grateful. @33goingon64 - if your mum is not up to writing, could you get her something to record her thoughts?

33goingon64 · 12/11/2021 19:59

I am sorry for all of you who have lost mums and others close to you. I'm truly grateful for you sharing these ideas.

OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 12/11/2021 20:00

@astoundedgoat - Flowers.

What a lovely memory to have. This is not an easy time of year is it? I am kind of dreading this Christmas to be honest. Big hugs.

SunShinesBrightly · 12/11/2021 20:11

Cashmere bed socks or the cashmere blanket throw ❤️

www.thewhitecompany.com/uk/search?q=Cashmere%3Arelevance&page=2&text=Cashmere

SunShinesBrightly · 12/11/2021 20:12

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby

Ooh, and we used the projector for livestreams of different places around the world, she was very nosy and a people watcher, so loved seeing what was going on. Some of them were beautiful and scenic, but her favourite was Times Square. There are also some great very long youtube videos with nice background, eg sunset, and light classical music over, than she really enjoyed.
That’s a brilliant idea!
AliceMcK · 12/11/2021 20:24

When my DF was TI we bought him a decent chair to put in his kitchen as that’s where he liked to read his newspaper and listen to his radio. Although we was planning to go into a hospice I bought him a cushion from the DGC saying Grandads spot for as long as it was being used.

He also use to love listening to old records on his record player.

Sadly he didn’t make to Christmas or the hospice and I never got to get him his last present. This won’t help you, but I’d planned on getting his face put on a movie poster of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. The poster was supposed to look like Clint Eastwood but be my Dad. Totally not practical but he was a big western and Clint Eastwood fan he would have laughed his head off and I know he would have displayed it for all to see.

I know not everyone is the same, but with my DF he wanted every visit he had with people to be fun and just the same as it had always been regardless of how much pain he was in. He had a couple of very good nights in his final couple of weeks where all he did was laugh. He said to me they were great nights as no one talked about him being sick, they were just like any other time he’d be with these people (old work colleagues and friends).

Oldieandgoldie · 12/11/2021 20:28

Photo blanket? Photo lens cloth? Bed jacket?

itshappened · 12/11/2021 20:31

There are some lovely ideas here. For my dad's last Christmas I found myself really struggling to find gifts he would genuinely appreciate and not view as a waste of money because he wouldn't be here to enjoy them for very long. Framing family photos was something we chose to do. He did like them as he kept our old baby photos on the table next to his bed afterwards, and took them for hospital stays etc. but I noticed they also made him sad and quiet on the day they were given. I noticed he lost interest in anything related to the future and only engaged with memories from the past in his final months, so I agree with nostalgic gifts like sweets or music would prob work well. But actually I noticed it was the cards with lovely messages in them that he treasured the most, and he would read them over and over again. My advice would be to not go over the top as it almost feels unnatural and is a constant reminder that they probably won't be here next Christmas. Small, personal, thoughtful gifts are definitely the way to go if your mum is anything like my father. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I promise that Christmas food and laughter will be such a tonic for everyone in your family and you will be able to make some lovely memories.

Shedbuilder · 12/11/2021 20:34

I nursed my mum at home for her last six months so I've done this. Focus on what your mum will like/ enjoy and not on what you'd enjoy or think your mum ought to enjoy. In my mum's final weeks people brought all kinds of inappropriate items that were never used.

You know your mum. You know whether she's the kind of woman who likes to have smelly hand cream or a cashmere shawl or scent. My mum wasn't that kind of woman.

Some people take comfort from seeing photos of their loved ones and for others it's absolute torture, a reminder of all they're losing. I'd talk to your mum about what she might like and focus on making her as comfortable as possible. I bought my mum a couple of luxurious things — a throw and a very expensive dressing gown — in that end time and she knew, and so did I, that it was a kind of desperate attempt to pretend that the end wasn't around the corner and felt a bit fake. What she really appreciated was a very gentle hair wash and set every week. It exhausted her but she like to feel her hair looked nice.

I would be careful of scented products/ diffusers etc. If people are feeling nauseous or hypersensitive then scents can make it worse. The whole thing about scenting a room is that the people in the room very quickly get used to the smell and can't smell it. So your mum won't get much benefit from it.

Audio books, heated blankets, large pillows, a soft throw, a really comfortable armchair and leg rest, maybe a video player and some old favourite DVDs for the middle of the night. Later she might appreciate something to hold and squeeze and fiddle with: I bought a soft toy dog, around the size of a lapdog, for one elderly aunt and she just enjoyed having something to hold. You will find out what your mum needs as you go along.

Good luck to you all. This can be a strangely wonderful time.

indignatio · 12/11/2021 20:42

Big hugs, such a difficult time.
I would reiterate audio books, the escapism is priceless

potoforchids · 12/11/2021 20:54

A weighted blanket or a heated blanket maybe? Dressing gown, photo album, cardigan or jumper, a mini radio?

Sorry you're going through this.

Tiredalwaystired · 12/11/2021 20:58

A Nixplay photo frame. It’s a digital photo frame where all the family can link to it and send new photos daily if they want

My grandma adores hers. She’s 102.

myheartskippedabeat · 12/11/2021 21:12

@33goingon64

I'm so very sorry to hear this

I lost my mum to cancer and nice things I bought were chocolates and marzipan fruits (her favourites)
Lip balm and hand cream - burts bees set
Some nice loungewear from M&S
Lots of flowers
Cushion and blankets
Hot water bottle
Clarins skin care set

My Mum also loved a particular singer and I got an impersonator to the house on her birthday to sing to her