Would you now be reluctant to spend Christmas with them in the future?

[mummyrocks1]

My MIL has always been very frugal with money, despite having no mortgage and a healthy pension. She's not rolling in it but is comfortable. She's a very practical person and loves getting things in the sale.

For Christmas in the past she has got me practical items like fluff remover for clothes. She spends a bit more on DH and will get him a couple of shirts and on the dcs. I would say her budget is probably no more than £10-£15 pp though. Previously she has asked me what to her the dcs for Christmas and I have given her a few ideas which she has ignored and got something herself. Which consequently the dcs (6,4) haven't been very interested in them as they are practical rather than fun. I always get dc to say thank you but I think MIL realised they weren't very into her present.

In the past I have asked for some makeup worth £22 which I thought would be within her budget. She got me the mini version for £11. Because of this I have stopped taking the time to give her suggestions anyway because she doesn't buy any of the suggestions I give her for dcs and I find her budget so low it's hard to find anything I actually want or need which isn't tat. Have never said anything to her about it.

Anyway, she emailed DH the other day to discuss Christmas and birthday, as DH birthday is just before Xmas. It said that she has decided she will no longer buy Christmas or birthday presents for adults, only for dcs as it's too stressful and she doesn't know what to get!

Would you be shocked/upset/think it's strange? DH is her only child and they are a small family, she has 8 people to buy for at Xmas. DH birthday is in Nov and mine in March so hardly all at once.

She has been going through a bit of a stressful time recently as her parents have signs of mental health problems and her DH recently had a health scare. Over the past few years I think she has been responsible for buying presents from her parents too so I guess double.

But still? It's not that stressful. I feel really reluctant to go to hers for future Christmas' as it will feel even less of a special/fun day. MIL is a nice women and I do get on with her but she's just sucked any joy out of Christmas.

Previous Christmas' have involved one practical present each, including dcs, very simply Sunday lunch meal- no nice thrills, alcohol free drinks, then simple buffet type food in late afternoon. No, music, fun, games, presents, booze, chocolates, mince pies. No fun really. We sit and chat and that's about it. I can't help feeling like this will make it even more dull.

I feel sad that people think about how much others spend on their presents. “The £11 versión”? 😔
I expect no presents. I want my DC to have some but we don’t buy for anyone else anymore and I will probably just get some bits I need from DH.

I think it is sad. Why do you or your DH need presents so badly?

Can't you stay at home? It sounds as though you'd have more fun without her.

I’m not sure I can get past you asking for something and then being put out because you were bought that thing only slightly smaller than you wanted?! You don’t give her suggestions because she doesn’t always listen (it’s not never is it since she got you the mini palette thing). So now she finds it’s stressful as you all obviously can’t just be grateful for your gifts and appear pleased, you are obviously clearly showing on your faces that you don’t like them. So she doesn’t know what to get. Now you’re pissed off that you won’t be getting, in your own words, “tat” that you don’t “want or need”? Right.

Her idea is an excellent one. Buy presents for the kids and don’t bother for adults. You could always ask her what her budget is if you’re not sure? And stop googling presents to see what she spent. My SIL does this and it makes me want to buy tat on purpose just so that she has something to moan about.

You have read my post wrongly. I am not just thinking about presents, hence why I have never said anything to her. The £11 version of makeup was mentioned just to give a view of her previous budgets.

I am not just thinking about presents it's more than I feel MIL is sucking any fun out of Christmas, I just wonder what we will do all day at hers when we go for Christmas? She wants us to stay the night with dcs but as I said there is no fun, games, music, booze, treats and now no presents to open. We will literally have dinner and then sit there the rest of the day talking about nothing. The present opening broke it up a bit.

For a contrast when we go to hers we are giving up Christmas with my family. My parents go all out, the dcs cousins are there and we have lots of fun. Xmas eve traditions, games, booze, fun, laughter, kids spend the day playing with their presents, chocolates, Boxing Day walk, certain tv watched. Yes, we have presents- but actually that's just a small part of it. It's the fun and laughter, traditions and memories of my own childhood Christmas' I love.

This decision by MIL just feels like one more way of sucking any joy out of Christmas.

Well it’s two separate issues surely? I mean I can understand why you might find her low key christmas a bit flat when they’re not into any of the thing’s that make it special, especially when you have young dc. However most of your post is complaining about the gifts she does or doesn’t get, her budget and her decision to stop buying for adults so it comes across as though this is why you no longer want to go which seems pretty mean.

You’ve said she’s stressed because of her parents and dh health, I’d guess she has caring commitments there plus she’s had to think of presents to give on behalf of her dps too! I think you’re putting way too much emphasis on stuff and it would be pretty horrible to decide you’re not going anymore because of this.

Why can’t you and dh suggest they come to you? Or if that’s not an option can you say to MIL that given she’s had so much on her plate you’re going to come and look after everything? It really shouldn’t be all on mil to provide Christmas exactly as you’d like it to be.

Your OP was entirely about presents....

Just have Christmas at yours and do it as you want put the fun in it that you want, ignore her stopping the presents and don’t get her any,

Bring your own booze
Bring your own family games/pack of cards
Bring your own treats/snacks/mince pies
Bring your own side dishes/trimmings to go with dinner

Go to your family. Life is too short and yours sound great.

Maybe she has a healthy pension and no mortgage because she's frugal?

If I were you, I'd be relieved that I didn't have to fake happiness with a practical gift.

Out if interest how much do you spend on her and what kind of gifts do you get? Her always buying practical gifts cheaply suggests that she might like the same in return?

Wherever- I just find it strange how frugal she is, it wasn't meant to be complaining. She's comfortably off so I just find it strange that she can't splash out a bit a Christmas to get something nice and would only spend £11 on her only DIL. It's not so much the cost it's more the lack of fun or lack of enjoyment in giving from her. I enjoy finding thoughtful presents for people, something I know they will love.

This was years ago, since then she doesn't give anything from the suggestions given so I stopped providing any. I wasn't sure why she would ask if she doesn't use it.

We have invited her here but she doesn't want to leave her parents, her mum is her best friend and her parents no longer travel very far.

We have offered to host Christmas at hers, she's said no, she's very capable and wants to do it her way.

Invite her to yours and have as much fun, games, and alcohol as you like. Don't sweat the presents, anything that reduces the amount of stupid crap bought at Christmas is a good thing.

Most people I know buy only for the children and for their own parents. There is no expectation that adult children themselves will receive gifts, they are old enough to buy themselves whatever they want.

Have Christmas at yours. Her version of Christmas lunch/Christmas day does sound pretty rubbish. Why do you keep going back and doing the same thing when you know it's not what you actually want to do?

Invite her to yours instead and do Christmas the way you want to.

The present thing is not that big a deal. It sounds like she doesn't really like present buying so not doing adult presents between the 3 of you sounds ok to me. I find adult present buying and receiving a real faff if I'm honest. It doesn't mean you and your DH can't do your normal presents.

I think MIL is entirely right in her approach to presents for DC, and not adults.

Maybe you could suggest something like clothes, swim kit, hobby stuff for the DC. But keep it all within the lower price range.

And go to your family for Christmas. It is clearly what you want to do. You won't miss MIL and she probably won't miss you either. Let DH decide whether to take the DC over for a visit, if it would be practical for him to do so.

Can you not host or bring the nice things that you would like? And really, if she usually cooks Xmas dinner, you should probably be bringing these things to hers already. It sounds like you want spoilt with food, booze and nice things but don't want to pay for it.

Or you could, you know, consider how to make sure your MIL, who sounds perfectly lovely, has an enjoyable Christmas at a time when it sounds like she needs a bit of extra support from her family. Just a thought.

We don't spend much as she does always say don't get me much, or says to DH what she would like, always very practical, so we buy that. We try to give her something nice like a photo calendar with the pictures of the kids or framed photos of memories. One year we got her a photo shoot with DH. I like getting thoughtful gifts.

I don't feel like we can stay at home, we did that last year when it was her turn, we alternate between my parents and DHs. It would probably upset her and I don't want to do that. She's a nice lady I am just dreading it a bit as it's so quiet and dull. There's just no fun involved and that's it, our Christmas finished.

I guess I could take all those things with me, would run it by DH. She might find it insulting and then realise that her Christmas' are a bit quiet.

I will never forget going about 8 years ago when DH cousins were young (big age gap) they all opened their presents and then were told to wrap them back up and put them away. We then all sat there making small talk. I couldn't believe it, my memories of Christmas are being surrounded by wrapping paper and playing with my presents and my siblings all day, eating loads, whilst the Christmas dinner cooks.

I would take the games, booze, treats, crackers and general craziness with me. And I wouldn't care if she found it rude. I wouldn't want to leave her on her own at Christmas if you generally get on well, but fuck having a cheese-paring joyless Christmas because she doesn't do fun. Take it with you and get on with it.

Pigeon- will run they by DH. Maybe if we initiated it she might be more up for fun. She wouldn't be alone she has her new DH, my DH patents are divorced.

I would feel bad if we didn't go, dcs are her only grandchildren. But ds is at an age now where even he notices there is nothing to do at gran's. Her toys are all too young for them and old toys of DHs so 30+ years old! She's too frugal to buy anymore, even when I said my mum buys from charity shops.

But I am dreading it a bit, especially as she wants us to stay the night. I feel like she judges a bit with the extra things I do to make memories for my dcs and extra money spent- not loads just little memory making things.

Plenty of people only want to give token gifts at Christmas, it’s really not unusual. Not everyone enjoys choosing gifts and you’ve been clear that she’s not very good at it so it hardly matters you’re not doing adult gifts. It doesn’t stop you and dh exchanging them, the dc will presumably have gifts from them, you, FC. I’d still get something small even if just from the gcs given they’re hosting you.

Even if she doesn’t want you to take over the meal there’s nothing stopping you showing up with a few bottles and some chocolates and mince pies etc. You can be “pushy” in a nice way -
Ooh Mil dc LOVE this Christmas cd can we put it on?
Right, where’s that other bottle of wine, if we can’t have a little drink at Christmas... Big smile!
Mil/fil wait til you try these chocs, biscuits whatever.
Bring some board games or jigsaw puzzles and brightly suggest taking them out after dinner. Big smile and be already opening them while you’re suggesting it.

Being a small family and not having you four there every year it’s possible they’re just in a rut. They might be a bit bemused but it may shake things up and turn out a fun day. Ok if they put the foot down and absolutely insist everyone spends the day dry and doing nothing then hey, you tried and you could justify not doing it again but at the moment it just seems like you’re focused on what she gets you and expecting her to provide all your Christmas fun.

If you want the “frills” why don’t you take the frills yourself?

I think it would be petty to not go to your MILs for the reasons you have provided. She has her reasons for being frugal, whether you consider them legitimate or not

MIL is a nice women and I do get on with her

so why would you refuse to spend christmas with her just because she doesn't want to do presents for adults and/or is a shit present-buyer - some people are.

I am pretty generous but tbh I hate buying presents for people for xmas and couldn't give a curse what anyone got me- honestly the gift-buying sucks the joy out of the holiday for me.

Your family's christmas is very different from hers (and to be fair yours sounds a lot of fun) but you could gin up her xmas without focusing on the gifts - games, food, wine, charades, a jigsaw. You don't have to just sit there - you have children - you can push the day in a more joyous direction without making her buy presents.

Thanks will run those suggestions by DH and probably suggest we don't stay the night.

I think no presents was just the final strew in what looks to be a dull Christmas. Presents filled up some of the day and was one fun thing that we did.

I still think it's strange no birthday presents either, so nothing from her all year round. No happy/special occasion marked. When we ve gone for DH birthday she doesn't even do a cake. Very different from my family.

I just don't understand the mentality of sitting on a load of money being frugal and having no fun.

old toys of DHs so 30+ years old! She's too frugal to buy anymore, even when I said my mum buys from charity shops.
My DC adored playing with the toys my PIL had saved from DH’s childhood. I saw it as a positive experience, nothing to do with frugality. (Although some of them would not pass today’s health and safety guidelines!)

I feel really reluctant to go to hers for future Christmas' as it will feel even less of a special/fun day without some cheap present I'm not even that grateful for.

My god you sound entitled!!

I mean dint go if its not enjoyable etc but to throw your dummy out the pram cos yu won't get a £10 present is frankly childish