Would you now be reluctant to spend Christmas with them in the future?

[mummyrocks1]

My MIL has always been very frugal with money, despite having no mortgage and a healthy pension. She's not rolling in it but is comfortable. She's a very practical person and loves getting things in the sale.

For Christmas in the past she has got me practical items like fluff remover for clothes. She spends a bit more on DH and will get him a couple of shirts and on the dcs. I would say her budget is probably no more than £10-£15 pp though. Previously she has asked me what to her the dcs for Christmas and I have given her a few ideas which she has ignored and got something herself. Which consequently the dcs (6,4) haven't been very interested in them as they are practical rather than fun. I always get dc to say thank you but I think MIL realised they weren't very into her present.

In the past I have asked for some makeup worth £22 which I thought would be within her budget. She got me the mini version for £11. Because of this I have stopped taking the time to give her suggestions anyway because she doesn't buy any of the suggestions I give her for dcs and I find her budget so low it's hard to find anything I actually want or need which isn't tat. Have never said anything to her about it.

Anyway, she emailed DH the other day to discuss Christmas and birthday, as DH birthday is just before Xmas. It said that she has decided she will no longer buy Christmas or birthday presents for adults, only for dcs as it's too stressful and she doesn't know what to get!

Would you be shocked/upset/think it's strange? DH is her only child and they are a small family, she has 8 people to buy for at Xmas. DH birthday is in Nov and mine in March so hardly all at once.

She has been going through a bit of a stressful time recently as her parents have signs of mental health problems and her DH recently had a health scare. Over the past few years I think she has been responsible for buying presents from her parents too so I guess double.

But still? It's not that stressful. I feel really reluctant to go to hers for future Christmas' as it will feel even less of a special/fun day. MIL is a nice women and I do get on with her but she's just sucked any joy out of Christmas.

Previous Christmas' have involved one practical present each, including dcs, very simply Sunday lunch meal- no nice thrills, alcohol free drinks, then simple buffet type food in late afternoon. No, music, fun, games, presents, booze, chocolates, mince pies. No fun really. We sit and chat and that's about it. I can't help feeling like this will make it even more dull.

I am very bored by Xmas so can relate to not wanting to do much.
Your DH needs to take charge of these decisions, imho.

Please don't keep sacrificing your dc's Xmas for this Grinch.
Your dc will remember the rubbish times more than mil will ever thank you for visiting...
Tell dh it's time to let the dc have fun times not a miserable fun sucked ones...
Give her a choice of dates she can visit you.
The road runs both ways as they say...

I wouldn’t be in the bothered about the presents. Given you don’t rate what she buys anyway, it’s not going to be a loss to do without. And it’s not for you to determine what she does or doesn’t find stressful.

Other than that though, she sounds like a miserable cow. I would be telling my H we would visit her or she could come to us for dinner but in no circumstances would my kids or I be spending the whole day with this fun sponge.

DH gets very defensive and starts swearing and we get in a big argument. He's very defensive to any criticism. I think he quite likes it because he's happy just to sit doing nothing, watching football or whatever.

When I said about going to my parents we had a big argument about it as he said it's her turn, we always go to my patents, which we do a lot more and that she's not that bad. She will be upset not seeing dcs I feel I have to go with it to be fair.

We have invited them to ours before, MIL won't leave her parents, her mum is her best friend. Especially now as they have health issues. She likes her home comforts and likes to do things her Way.

She does have a nice relationship with dcs, she's very hands on when we see her, looks after them overnight and genuinely loves being with them.

@winterisnigh agree, it often plays out to ridiculous levels over tiny expenses. I'm not saying OP's MIL is right, just trying to emphasise with a view to seeing how the situation could be improved.

I wouldn't ask what to take as she'll say she's got it all. Look back at what's been missing for the last few times and get it.
Take a few secret presents from you for the kids to open. Fun stuff to get stuck into.
Pack games etc. Don't ask just get it out, make sure dh is involved and not sat on his arse.

I think you have had a bit of a hard time on here OP. You have already addressed the present thing but I agree the day does sound a bit flat and joyless.

I hope you have had chance to consider some of the suggestions on here.

When my children were little we would do a Christmas pass the parcel - NOW that's what I call Christmas on - tiny things like Freddo frog bar or stickers, hair slide, lip gloss, scratch card, keyring for inbetween the layers, but great fun whilst they were still too young to play board games. Perhaps you could do something like this.

As you no longer have to buy 'adult gifts' make your Christmas contribution in the way of nice nibbles and snacks, buy table crackers and say the children loved them so much at your parents house last year they asked for them especially.

Take your favourite tipples and chocolates and say you were given them as a gift and you thought you would bring them along for all to enjoy. That way, you can help yourself to your own gift and offer them around when you want.

Any chance of watching a silly Christmas film in the afternoon. Or suggest going for a walk for the children to get some fresh air.

Good luck OP.

Why can't you spend xmas with your family and invite MIL to join you with them?

PIL are frugal and fun sucking at Xmas so we only go there for Boxing Day now.

So we are still going to MILs but not staying the night. She has said we will do presents but a few smaller things. She said she will do games and crackers etc. I am going to bring some games and toys for the kids too. Sounds like it will be better

That sounds like a good compromise, but how did you manage to negotiate it?

Definitely pack games, keep back some presents for the kids so there's a way to spread it out.
Go to m&s and buy the sides that she doesn't provide, bing them straight in the oven.

Well done OP. That sounds like a good compromise. Great update