Would you now be reluctant to spend Christmas with them in the future?

[mummyrocks1]

My MIL has always been very frugal with money, despite having no mortgage and a healthy pension. She's not rolling in it but is comfortable. She's a very practical person and loves getting things in the sale.

For Christmas in the past she has got me practical items like fluff remover for clothes. She spends a bit more on DH and will get him a couple of shirts and on the dcs. I would say her budget is probably no more than £10-£15 pp though. Previously she has asked me what to her the dcs for Christmas and I have given her a few ideas which she has ignored and got something herself. Which consequently the dcs (6,4) haven't been very interested in them as they are practical rather than fun. I always get dc to say thank you but I think MIL realised they weren't very into her present.

In the past I have asked for some makeup worth £22 which I thought would be within her budget. She got me the mini version for £11. Because of this I have stopped taking the time to give her suggestions anyway because she doesn't buy any of the suggestions I give her for dcs and I find her budget so low it's hard to find anything I actually want or need which isn't tat. Have never said anything to her about it.

Anyway, she emailed DH the other day to discuss Christmas and birthday, as DH birthday is just before Xmas. It said that she has decided she will no longer buy Christmas or birthday presents for adults, only for dcs as it's too stressful and she doesn't know what to get!

Would you be shocked/upset/think it's strange? DH is her only child and they are a small family, she has 8 people to buy for at Xmas. DH birthday is in Nov and mine in March so hardly all at once.

She has been going through a bit of a stressful time recently as her parents have signs of mental health problems and her DH recently had a health scare. Over the past few years I think she has been responsible for buying presents from her parents too so I guess double.

But still? It's not that stressful. I feel really reluctant to go to hers for future Christmas' as it will feel even less of a special/fun day. MIL is a nice women and I do get on with her but she's just sucked any joy out of Christmas.

Previous Christmas' have involved one practical present each, including dcs, very simply Sunday lunch meal- no nice thrills, alcohol free drinks, then simple buffet type food in late afternoon. No, music, fun, games, presents, booze, chocolates, mince pies. No fun really. We sit and chat and that's about it. I can't help feeling like this will make it even more dull.

adults dont need presents from anyone its pointless. You spend a tenner they spend a tenner back for example. You might not even get what you want.

Do you need to spend the whole day there, could you go in the morning and stay for lunch, then go home for fun and buffet tea? Present it as MIL being able to visit her parents if she wants to.

Just buy something you and DH would like for yourselves in place of MIL’s presents if you want to.

Why no booze? Is there a history of alcohol abuse?

Some people are just teetotal because they want to be.

OP I get what you're saying...it sounds very quiet and boring. I would go but suggest an earlyish dinner so you can return home and begin your own festivities. That way, it will work to your advantage that there is no gift opening ritual to sit through.

Courtney555-that's exec

Oops sorry, accidentally pressed post!

Courtney555- that's exactly the situation, thanks for understanding.

Yes, I will ask her what we can bring with us and will bring some games to liven things up. I just think she's so frugal she takes the fun out of it, there's no celebration.

I guess I thought present opening was at least one nice and fun part of it with her and I like seeing people opening presents and knowing they love it. The last bit of fun and making the day a celebration has gone.

I do teach my dcs manners, they say thanks but I can't force them to play with some boring practical present that is no interest to them.

Yes, I agree, playing with old toys from when DH was young is lovely and previously ds has happily done this, but I am taking toys for a Pre-schooler- toy cars, shape sorters, large plastic bricks. He's nearly 7 now they are of no interest. I am worried he will have no filter and state he's bored several times. I am bored so I don't blame him. It's not about buying loads of expensive new things she just doesn't make an effort. My mum gets lots of games and things in charity shops so they have great fun.

I don't feel like we can only go for a few hours, DH would be upset and he tries to be fair alternating Christmas'. He is conscious that Christmas with my parents is much more lively and fun but says that's just the way his mum is. He says we see my mum much more so it's fair to go to hers, which is true. She complains that she doesn't see dcs much anyway. But again, she is invited to dcs parties, plays and concerts but doesn't ever want to come. She lives less than 1 hour away but it might as well be 5 hours to her.

I don't know why no alcohol, no problems with it no, she just suddenly seemed to start buying non alcoholic and has stuck to it.

Is there any reason why your MIL doesn't have a 'fun' Christmas? Is it likely to be different now she has a new DH?

If you can understand why her Christmases are joyless (is that how she was brought up? Is she afraid of 'doing the wrong thing'? Does she really hate Christmas and think it should be a day like any other?) then it might be easier to cope with.

What does her DH think? Would he be on board with jazzing things up a bit this year?

I think you think the amount spent on someone relates to what the person thinks of them. I agree that you seem very focused on presents and getting with no focus on giving or enjoying spending time together. I suppose Christmas is very materialist for many people.

My in-laws are generous to our children but they don’t keep a toy-box of age appropriate toys at their house.
On Christmas morning we pack the car up with their new toys, games, including some party type ones for the eve and head over.
We spend the day on the floor opening the new toys/games/lego and playing with the kids. In the evening, after a few drinks we suggest a party game. I think you are placing too much pressure on them to provide you the perfect Christmas.
I can understand your disappointment to no longer be exchanging gifts, perhaps you could do the bad Santa game, inject some fun into the day yourself.

Is she a member of a cult that doesn’t celebrate Christmas ?

A Christmas at your MILs sounds dreadful. Take heaps of things with you and make it as special as you can, its one day, she should make an effort and its sad that she doesnt. Miserly.

Zap- I don't think she thinks they are joyless. She's just a very frugal and practical person. Everything in the sale, 'in my day we didn't have xyz' type person. She's not completely joyless but I she certainly doesn't get into the Christmas spirit. It's like any other Sunday lunch type meal to her. She just lives very simply.

I could take some things to play with for the dcs. Yes, my memory of Christmas is playing with my presents all day with my siblings surrounded by wrapping paper. Obviously that's not going to happen at MILs because the children will probably have 1 practical gift each. Ds is a monthly magazine subscription which won't be given on the day, so probably will only get something very very small on the day.

I would go to her house mid morning have lunch (xmas dinner) then around 4pm I would leave to go to your folks.

Why have your Christmas day ruined by her being a bore off, I did that for many years in a previous chapter, now I do what is best for everyone.

The not going to any of the DGC’s parties, plays and concerts will come back to bite MIL, when they are teens they will refuse to come and equally fairly, why should they when she makes no effort? She can hardly complain she hardly sees the DGS’s when she expects them to always come to her on her terms. Relationships are two way things.

Is the new husband controlling her, not allowing her to drink alcohol? Or not allowing her to go to see them?

OP I get you 100%, my in laws are tight as hell too. Last year they turned up with boxes of chocolates as main gifts (🤯) and made zero contribution to Christmas dinner (all M&S bought so no cheap Aldi rubbish).

They spent Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing Day with us and brought nothing, meanwhile we gifted them an excessive amounts of gifts. I was furious because it’s the thought that counts and there was no thought whatsoever, financially before anyone chimes in, they are mortgage free and very comfortable. I sent them out shopping on Boxing Day for presents for my family as they intended on turning up to a three year old who loves them both with just a card! This year needless to say they are staying with their other son because I just think it takes the piss.

“ (all M&S bought so no cheap Aldi rubbish).“

No her husband isn't controlling, they've been together 10 years plus just got married recently.

In fairness she doesn't drive so does rely on her DH to drive her down but We have suggested she gets the train/bus and we pick up from the station. A less than hour journey might as well be 5 hours to her though, it's a big deal, she wouldn't just pop over to for a concert or party that's why I think she doesn't come, whereas my parents are equal travel time away and pop over for that kind of thing all the time.

Her DH doesn't like driving certain times of the day so she limited. She does have dcs for a few days holidays at hers during school holidays, separately, so I don't feel the relationship is a totally one way thing.

My DH wouldn't want to leave at 4 he will want to stay until late and put kids in pjs to drive home, he likes sitting around doing nothing so not a problem for him I think.

Op we've been the same except dh parents are loaded. He gets boots 2 for 3 shaving set and I get the female Version. I've never been fussed about that but, it's the atmosphere. Always talk about how they save money even on Xmas day!! No extravagance or feeling of splashing out, little luxeries we don't get any other time of year... I don't want to spend precious Xmas sat in silence or making small talk, no music, no atmosphere, restrained penny pinching atmosphere... No candles or lovely lighting... With Mil making pa digs via her gifts...

Op have I missed why you don't stay at home? Has Mil ever experienced your way of doing Xmas?

I just wouldn't do it sorry.
She can ask your dh why and he can say...

Dw feels its not Xmas because she's used to a very very different kind of Xmas with a fun atmosphere... The dc don't enjoy it either. Sorry.

Then she can either pull her finger out and make an effort or not.

Take some home made crackers with bits for your children to play with. Might kill twenty minutes.

It would be a shame to just stop going without making an effort to make Christmas day at your MIL's more fun as you like her otherwise.

Get the kids involved in choosing games/activities/ side dishes/treats/music to take, and toys/books/films.

The four (?) of you can just breeze in full of bounty and generosity and Xmas cheer and it will be hard for her not to go along with it, I think.

She's probably feeling out of touch and anxious. Maybe she is a nervous cook and doesn't feel confident entertaining. Maybe she finds it hard to hear over background noises.

Re money, - I think that's really common with older people. She probably doesn't want to be a burden financially if she (or her parents) needs care and wants to be able to leave something as an inheritance.

I wouldn't go but not because of the presents... because it sounds shit

I also do think that people should make the effort though. I earn minimum wage right now but still manage to spend £30-40 on my PIL. I save up because I care

I find buying presents for adults stressful too, I can see where she's comng from there. I do love playing games at christmas though, and a glass of wine or too with dinner. When we went to the in laws for christmas i always took games for the kids and spent time playing with them. Also took our own drinks and snacks.

She's not completely joyless but I she certainly doesn't get into the Christmas spirit. It's like any other Sunday lunch type meal to her. She just lives very simply

Then why does it matter if you go on a different day than Christmas? If she doesn't celebrate it then why does it matter which day you go?

Families treat presents for adults differently but its not unusual when children come along to just buy for the children. The amount spent also isn't the issue if a bit of thought for the recipient goes into the gifts.

However celebrations and festivals are about celebrating and I'm not sure why it matters which day you are there if there is no celebrating.

If she is able but unwilling to participate in the DGC lives then its inevitable that their relationship with her will be less than a DGP who does participate. I've seen it in my own DC - they have been much closer to the DGP who made an effort to engage with them than the DGP who only spared time for them when it suited them.

Pavlava I've never understood the logic of inheritance, leaving money, being frugal
.

When talking about reasonably financially stable people as if spending 100 at Xmas would send you them into a bankruptcy tail spin.

It's once a year.