Would you now be reluctant to spend Christmas with them in the future?

[mummyrocks1]

My MIL has always been very frugal with money, despite having no mortgage and a healthy pension. She's not rolling in it but is comfortable. She's a very practical person and loves getting things in the sale.

For Christmas in the past she has got me practical items like fluff remover for clothes. She spends a bit more on DH and will get him a couple of shirts and on the dcs. I would say her budget is probably no more than £10-£15 pp though. Previously she has asked me what to her the dcs for Christmas and I have given her a few ideas which she has ignored and got something herself. Which consequently the dcs (6,4) haven't been very interested in them as they are practical rather than fun. I always get dc to say thank you but I think MIL realised they weren't very into her present.

In the past I have asked for some makeup worth £22 which I thought would be within her budget. She got me the mini version for £11. Because of this I have stopped taking the time to give her suggestions anyway because she doesn't buy any of the suggestions I give her for dcs and I find her budget so low it's hard to find anything I actually want or need which isn't tat. Have never said anything to her about it.

Anyway, she emailed DH the other day to discuss Christmas and birthday, as DH birthday is just before Xmas. It said that she has decided she will no longer buy Christmas or birthday presents for adults, only for dcs as it's too stressful and she doesn't know what to get!

Would you be shocked/upset/think it's strange? DH is her only child and they are a small family, she has 8 people to buy for at Xmas. DH birthday is in Nov and mine in March so hardly all at once.

She has been going through a bit of a stressful time recently as her parents have signs of mental health problems and her DH recently had a health scare. Over the past few years I think she has been responsible for buying presents from her parents too so I guess double.

But still? It's not that stressful. I feel really reluctant to go to hers for future Christmas' as it will feel even less of a special/fun day. MIL is a nice women and I do get on with her but she's just sucked any joy out of Christmas.

Previous Christmas' have involved one practical present each, including dcs, very simply Sunday lunch meal- no nice thrills, alcohol free drinks, then simple buffet type food in late afternoon. No, music, fun, games, presents, booze, chocolates, mince pies. No fun really. We sit and chat and that's about it. I can't help feeling like this will make it even more dull.

A good starting point is that you like her and spend occasions with her albeit in a more quiet and reserved kind of way. Family gatherings are an important thing for children to be part of whether they are full on shin digs or quiet affairs.
Maybe go to MIL's with the little extras you want to have, prepare the games/activities you want to do on the day, bring your own little Christmas sparkle and to hell with the presents, they really aren't that important, and if you dont want to stay overnight then dont, whatever you decide I hope you all have a lovely Christmas

You don’t seem to be focusing too much on the presents and cost side of things. Christmas isn’t about the gifts IMO.

That being said, we don’t go to my parents house for Christmas. They come to us as it’s so boring at theirs. They don’t play games, just watch a film after mediocre food and there’s never anywhere to sit.

Could you host her instead?

Sorry just saw your updates 🤦‍♀️

I’d say don’t go. Life’s too short to do stuff you don’t want to do.

Now I have DD I want her Christmases to be magical and having Christmas at my parents house is anything but that

Agh I meant to say you do seem to be focusing too much on presents and spending 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I just don't understand the mentality of sitting on a load of money being frugal and having no fun.

You don't need to understand it. She's as entitled to do things her way as you are to do it yours.

From the way you describe your parents' Christmas it does sound as though you expect to just turn up and have everything laid on for you. If you want a fun Christmas you're going to have to put the work in.

As pps have suggested, start planning now and take all the food, games and presents you need to give you the kind of Christmas you want. Either she'll enjoy it and be happy to let you do this again, or she won't, in which case she won't ask you again.

The present thing wouldn’t especially bother me and I was going to say you were unreasonable then I read about what the whole day is like and to be honest i wouldn’t be keen to spend Christmas with her even before the present thing as it just doesn’t sound like the day is made special and that’s what I like about Christmas, not the presents especially, but having a special day.
It does sound like it’s about money and for some people even if they’re well off they still worry about money especially if they didn’t have much money when they were younger.
I’d have her over to yours and do the day your way or make it special by taking extras in terms of food and drink. With the presents I’d probably buy a little extra for your DH and him for you if you can afford it.

I kind of get you. FIL boasts he has more money coming in through pensions and investments than when he was working. Yet their contribution to our Xmas lunch last year was two £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons for six adults and four teenage boys. They also brought non-alcoholic cheap drink, and six mince pies (of which they took home those uneaten).
Yet the money piles up.

It’s too late to do anything about Xmas but why don’t you celebrate at home next year.

In terms of presents I’ve said to my parents not to bother but they still want to. My mums been k. Hospital and is barely mobile and my dad is recovering from cancer. Previously she’s brought oh two weather stations and my brother three ice hockey tables. I feel that there is not really much I need anymore. They also barely remembered my sons birthday but they had good reasons. I really wouldn’t worry about not doing gifts.

I understand what you're saying OP and unsure why others don't.

It's not about a bigger, better present. It's about an already pretty flat day, that was broken up a little with some present opening, and now that's been quashed as well.

The reference to them being low cost and never what OP/DC/DH asked for, is to give an indication that it's not like MIL was spending £500 on presents that she was searching for weeks for. They were little token items that aren't over the top or difficult to source, and yet that's go to go.

Not read rest of responses yet but I really can't understand how you get "she won't by me presents" to "we shouldn't spend the day with her".

Twee, but presence not presents is important. Couldn't give a crap if I didn't receive anything, and I'd still be delighted with 'the 11 pound version'.

If dh wants to spend Christmas with his family then you suck it up and alternate.

Can you say you’d like to take along
-Christmas cake
-Yule log
-drink

Also turn up with games to play.

And suggest a secret Santa?

The presents I could live with but the crappy lifeless Christmas day is something else. I'd stay home next year and spend a Sunday near Christmas with her instead. I mean it doesn't sound like she enjoys Christmas anyway.

I am a older than some of you with adult children. We stopped buying presents for the adults many years ago. It seems pointless when my children earn far more in a month that I do in a year. It is very stressful trying to find something within budget for adults that really don't need anything. The children all still get presents. The adults get cards for birthday/ Christmas. I have never made a cake for my adult children for their birthdays, and they don't expect one.

Your MIL in your husbands mum. You should respect that and spend time with her at Christmas even if it doesn't live up to your expectations. You will one day be a MIL, and I am sure you wouldn't expect your children to ignore you.

I feel very sorry for your MIL and your expectations of her. Accept that families do Christmas differently.

I just don't understand the mentality of sitting on a load of money being frugal and having no fun.

She's on a fixed income, not getting any younger, economic forecasts are not good. It's not unusual for older people to worry about possible care costs, an impoverished old age, or to want to leave as much as possible for their children.

I can't help but notice that the thoughtful presents you got her all seem to be pictures of yourselves.

Refusing to ever go to hers because she won't buy you a present just sounds really.... Bratty, sorry.

Take all the stuff that you want with you.

MIL is a nice woman and I do get on with her You're very lucky.

What does your DH say about the contrast between his family celebrations (and I use the word lightly ) and yours?

Have you come across the 5 languages of love? Gifts,touch,acts of service, words, quality time. Basically people give and receive love differently. I expect gifts are not hers but may be yours. If you work out what someone's love language is you can understand them better and perhaps give them something they want. Given the practical aspects of your mil gifts I would suspect acts of service may be high up there!

My mum loves giving presents, I feel my PIL do it out of obligations. They don't give presents to each other. Their version of Christmas is more like a nice Sunday than an exiting day. When DH and I got together DH wasn't into Christmas but changed over the years when he realised how much it means to me.

I don't expect presents, I love the fact that they love giving DD presents, they normally ask as they don't see her enough (different country) to know what she is into. My PIL also don't give birthday presents, only to DD. I find it strange but that's the way they are.

I wouldn't spend a day with your MIL, I would visit her but not more.

I was coming on to suggest reading the five love languages but @jellybeanteaparty beat me to it. There’s a quiz here if you want a quick dip into the concept.

It really sounds to me like gift giving and receiving might be your primary love language and that could be why you’re feeling a bit emotionally wounded by her decision.

I find the psychology of gifts quite fascinating. We spend £££ on my in-laws because our gift is a kind of symbol of honour/esteem, whereas my dps would be horrified if we “wasted” our money on them like that but they value the thoughtfulness of a gift over the price tag. So buying my dad his favourite type of pen that cost £1 would be far better appreciated than a good pen. I also have a recipient who prefers practical gifts and she would be overjoyed at something like a year’s supply of toothpaste which would probably make me cry😂

Seems like the only reason you like going to your parents is because you’re a lazy bugger who wants to be hosted with zero effort. That kind of attitude is fine if you’re going to someone who isn’t family but it’s selfish when it comes to your parents / in laws. I would never expect either my mum or mil to host a whole Christmas / Diwali dinner by herself and in fact since I was 18 have been hosting it for her (letting her get the credit). As for the presents well plenty of people have told you how ungrateful you seem to be, so I won’t do that, all I would suggest is you absolutely need to teach your kids to be gracious about receiving any gift. Otherwise you may find they get zero invitations to anything when they’re adults

I see why you find her day lifeless. It's really not about the presents, that's just one more thing to add to an already flat day. As other posters have suggested, why don't you take whatever you can with you to improve things for you, DH and DC?

Could you take a couple of board games? Would she refuse to play, or actually could you all end up enjoying it? If you're staying the night, why not bring a bottle or two? She doesn't want to drink anything alcoholic, why does that stop you and DH sharing a tipple? Charades? Offer to bring the starters or pud and go all out if you feel her Christmas dinner is really no frills...maybe that's her cooking ability and would be glad of someone sharing the load?

She doesn't sound horrible at all mainly frugal. I would spend christmas with her. OK she has no games, booze etc but there's a very easy solution to this - take your own!! She sounds like my parents, doesn't really know how to enjoy herself. My folks never thought of providing alcohol at Christmas (they're not really interested in it) so we take a few bottles ourselves (bucks fizz, baileys, wine etc) to liven things up. Take some family boardgames and you're sorted. I wouldn't leave her alone just because she's a bit frugal/dull. She probably picked up on the fact you weren't exactly delighted with her gifts and that made her stressed.

Why no booze? Is there a history of alcohol abuse?

She sounds as if she has more on her plate than she's letting on. I think you are being mean and selfish tbh. I would love not to have to buy presents for adults - its just the same stuff every year anyway.

Our In Laws don't go full out so I take it to them - crackers, games, booze etc. If you want all the extras take them with you - its no difficulty to you, you're an adult.

It's up to her what she wants to spend/buy and I dont blame her for only wanting to purchase for the kids. I certainly don't expect any gifts now that I have children. Can you not invite her to your home for Christmas instead so you can have Christmas your way?

I totally get what you’re saying OP - Christmas there doesn’t sound v festive or special, just a regular day with a very boring non festive atmosphere. There’s only so much you can do when you’re at someone else’s house if they setting the rules and are not going to join in. I’d just be outright honest and say in the run up that you’d like to do this and that on the day and will bring drinks / games / mince pies or whatever and the children most certainly will be playing with their toys!! You only get so many Christmas while your children are little and you and they need to enjoy it!! If after honesty and very best efforts it’s still awful, then stop going for Christmas and go on a different day over the festive season instead. It’s a shame they won’t come to you.