I said I've had enough of hosting Christmas but they all insist...

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry this is a bit of rant, don't take it too seriously. I had a little tantrum on Christmas Day, saying I was fed up of doing 98% of the work. This was after 7 solid hours of cooking etc with no help whatsoever from the lazy layabouts despite repeated requests, instead they saw it as an opportunity for "Bantz" at my expense. We had unscheduled rellies the next day too. I've never felt so fed up and exhausted.
I announced that next year I just wanted to go out to Christmas lunch and they could join us (and pay) because Christmas should be about seeing people, not one person being driven frantic over the work and the expense. I was shouted down by all and next year we have 18 coming. This has been going on for 30 years and its the first time I've made a stand.
I've been told by several of them I need therapy.
Am I mad or are they?

Hi Snowflake. I'm sorry I wasn't very clear in my post (too much steam coming out of my ears). One of them does host occasionally, techically we are supposed to host every other year, although I've done more than that for various reasons.
But even when its not our turn, its still a lot of rules and fuss and timekeeping and I just want Christmas Day to be just our own small family, before they fly off for their own Christmases, and have a gathering for the others when everyone is more relaxed and its not regulated by Christmas expectations. We have a gathering for them in the summer and I've got a lot more control over this because no expectations and traditions to be adhered to.

Why do they claim you've had a year off if you've hosted this year and they want you to do so next year?

Seriously, if I were you I wouldn't offer the Boxing Day get together either. It'll still be an awful lot of work for you, even if people bring bits - you'll have to do all the clearing up, washing up etc and I bet the lion's share of the cooking would still fall to you. So you'll still have to do the mahoosive pre-Christmas shop. Tell them if they want to get together, whether on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, it will have to be anywhere other than at your house. If no-one else's house is big enough, they can always hire a room in a restaurant or a church hall or something.

Good for you !
It shouldn't fall on one person to do all the cooking.
If they want the "traditional" Christmas, let them do it !

And don't let them persuade you that you can "have a year off" then go back to being their Christmas slave after that.....

So you plan the Christmas Day you want to have. Then for Boxing Day, everyone can pitch in - make sure you don't end up doing everything again.

My late mum really didn't like cooking so for the last 15 year or so we divided up all the buying, prepping and cooking between a few of us, just leaving her to do the turkey - it made for a much more relaxing Christmas for her.

Stick to your guns xx

Hi Saturday, I didn't explain it very well, we had far fewer than usual on the day.. and then some more came along the following day. When I said 20 years.. I meant the tradition, its supposed to be alternate years although I've ended up doing more than that for various reasons. Its more that I just want to make my own plans from now on. If truth be told its not really just about Christmas but that's when its highlighted. There's been some very good suggestions and its made me feel much better being able to have a good ol' moan. But I've got some plans now so it should be OK>

Good for you!

What are your new plans@DuckbilledSplatterPuff?

I'll be more organised with calmly giving OH and kids jobs and making sure they follow up on them. And start now. I'll Book something in advance forXmas and say that's what we are doing.That sort of thing.

I'm glad you're feeling much stronger in yourself and have ideas on how to change this.
Tradition is created and facilitated by people's choice - so you can easily change this.

DH already firmly convinced he does all the work
Yea? Spell it out for him - shopping (without having to be 'reminded'), preparation, cooking - catering for perfectionists, plating it up, washing, cleaning of house before and after etc....how much of that does he actually do each time? What was he doing whilst YOU were doing the cooking?

OH likes a big crowd and worries that it could be certain people's last Christmas. However he has been saying that for decades
So he just uses it as an excuse to get his own way. Ignore these statements from now on.

He does whatever his family suggest and agrees to it before I get a chance to say whether the logistics suits us. Its harder to take it all back then
He needs to be TOLD he either prioritises his family unit - or extended family. He can always go live with them if he wants them badly.
It's nothard to take it back at all - you just refuse to do ANYTHING and let dh do it all.
Or you simple message them and tell them straight the decision was made behind your back and without your input so YOUR answer is 'no'.

You have to let dh be emabrassed/upset/whatever for it to work.
Stop putting everyone else's feelings before your own.
Your dc will be off doing their own christmas's soon enough so you need to enjoy these times whilst you can.

I agree with the point you made about younger generations not seeing Christmas traditions as ‘set in stone’ and that plans can be different each year. My heart always sinks slightly when you read comments about ‘we always do Christmas this way’. What happens when your children grow up & want to do their own thing, no one wants to be the interfering parent (or even worse, interfering parent in law) that insists on adult children always coming ‘home’ for Christmas.

I left home over 35 years ago &, fortunately my parents are still alive & in good health, but I’ve never got into a ‘routine’ about Christmas plans. Some years I’ve worked, some times I volunteer, sometimes we host, or my parents or siblings hosted, Ils have hosted, we have been abroad, a few times we just stay home alone. It suits our family to have no strict expectations, that way no one is disappointed (hopefully).

Good advice HJ and Ragwort thank you.

Ah, ah, OP, I had lunch today with someone who I thought could be you (except that she is not an English speaker).
But even when Christmas/parties is/are not at her place, she still ends up doing most of the work!

I hope your plan works.

Tell them all to just bloody bog off, do want you want for a change.

Bloody ingrates. I think your plan is great - it doesn’t even exclude anyone because they can book and come too if they want (but don’t let them stay over).

I am in somewhat the same boat and will be saying no well in advance next November.

yes, tell them where you will be, let them sort out & pay their own add on rest if they want to join you, & no coming back for tea & cake, there is no cake

resa