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Original poster

I said I've had enough of hosting Christmas but they all insist...

114 replies

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/01/2019 13:28

Sorry this is a bit of rant, don't take it too seriously. I had a little tantrum on Christmas Day, saying I was fed up of doing 98% of the work. This was after 7 solid hours of cooking etc with no help whatsoever from the lazy layabouts despite repeated requests, instead they saw it as an opportunity for "Bantz" at my expense. We had unscheduled rellies the next day too. I've never felt so fed up and exhausted.
I announced that next year I just wanted to go out to Christmas lunch and they could join us (and pay) because Christmas should be about seeing people, not one person being driven frantic over the work and the expense. I was shouted down by all and next year we have 18 coming. This has been going on for 30 years and its the first time I've made a stand.
I've been told by several of them I need therapy.
Am I mad or are they?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 03/01/2019 14:45

This is presumably a mixture of children, their spouses, grand kids.other knock on family........
I can well see the 7 hours, starting at 6am, to stuff & bung turkey in, veg prep, furniture moving, table laying, deserts....
Please do send them all a message. bantz is fun when you are also laughing. "There will not be Xmas at my house next year, we are going to the pub/will be in Spain/getting pizza. Please take this is the final notice. I am all festive slaved out. Permanently"

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 15:01

I would fucking leave for the holidays. If I had no money I'd take out a credit card, book a Premier Inn and leave them to it. Your family are a load of bullying arseholes.

Harrykanesrightsock · 03/01/2019 15:06

I get sooooo frustrated at these threads. No one can make you do anything you don’t want. What do you think will happen if you stand up for yourself?

Fuck ‘em

lazymare · 03/01/2019 15:06

OP can you come back?

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 15:13

I get sooooo frustrated at these threads.

I do too, but mainly because there are too many unanswered questions as the OP hasn’t come back.

BarbaraofSevillle · 03/01/2019 15:21

I don't understand how it can take 7 hours to cook Christmas lunch.

Ours took about 2 and even with a bigger turkey it can't take more than 3 or 4.

If you've been doing it for 30 years, you've done your lifetime's shares, so all those 18 people owe you a couple of hosted Christmases each. So make it clear you've cooked your last Christmas lunch and ask who's doing it next year.

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2019 15:27

If you prepare the food on the day from scratch it could take a long time. Which is why I don’t.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 03/01/2019 15:31

Start saving now.

Book yourself into a hotel for Christmas week and leave them to it.

Original poster
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2019 11:21

Sorry for absence. And thank you all for your posts

I read my post back and it does seem a bit matyrish. I was having a real "poor me" moan. I also recognise that its a lot of work for anyone hosting Christmas, not just me. perhaps it was a bit unfair to say shouted down, but I did feel overwhelmed with everyone saying it can't be done. As the person doing most of the work I want a voice and I don't think its fair that standing up for myself means I am considered unreasonable or disagreeable.
It's family plus extended family. The extended family feel we have had a "year off" want everyone to get to gather here next year.

I should have added that I don't do it every single year, we alternate (sometimes) but at the moment we have a bit more space than the others so ours is considered the practical place to gather. So it's become tradition and now expected.

But they are all foodies, and some older members are very very critical and perfectionist so I do find it quite stressful and I try to bombproof it beforehand. They do bring food but there is so much fuss attached to this I'd rather that they didn't. Often its stuff we've already got.

OH likes a big crowd and worries that it could be certain people's last Christmas. However he has been saying that for decades.

We had fewer people this year so went out for a walk but it was full on when I got back, not 7 hours full on cooking but busy for that entire time.

But I've taken all your suggestions on board, thank you.
and I've found Christmas menus (2018) of a nice place nearby which are actually between £30-50 a head, and I will tell them this is what the six of us are doing. They can join if they want or we can have a get together at ours on Boxing Day which will be more about gathering and less about perfectionist eating.

I just want our small family to have some quiet low stress Christmases together in our own home with our own timetable before they all head off with their partners. and I don't want them to remember me complaining and getting cross.
Thanks for listening to the rant! I'm going to fix this.

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 04/01/2019 11:43

Op thats certainly one option going out. I'm assuming your family are teens, get them involved in helping.

Even if Boxing Day turns into another Christmas ensure co-ordination of whos bringing what. I'd be tempted to say you're doing main course, delegate other courses to other people.

Assign your children various people, DC1 make sure GPs have their glasses filled, DC2 your in charge of other GP, DC3 your in charge of Aunties, DC4 your incharge of crisp / nut bowls keep them filled. If there are cousins get them involved too.

Make it clear your providing the venue others need to pitch in to make it work.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 04/01/2019 11:49

Suggest they organise a picnic in your garden as you simply won't be home.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 04/01/2019 12:56

I hear you OP. And FWIW I said similar after Xmas 2017.

I actually like cooking and am happy to host extended family on any other day - but I wanted to scale back xmas day itself so that I actually got to spend time with my children. I'm happy to report that I enjoyed Xmas so much more this year.

Original poster
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2019 12:58

Thank you. Some very good ideas and some that have cheered me up and made me laugh.
I also liked the advice about booking something early or finding out when they take bookings and just going ahead and booking it and announcing it then.
In retrospect, asking the extendeds what they thought was a bit like asking permission and only gives them an opportunity to say no.
Its not like we won't be seeing the extendeds.
Also. I think its good for the younger gen to see that Christmas doesn't have to be identical every year and as many of you said it should be about relaxing and spending time together (which we are very short of these days). I want it to be something we all look forward to.
Thanks again folks - this post was my therapy by the way Smile

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/01/2019 12:58

I'm glad you can see a way forward, and have a plan for next Christmas, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff. And I hope that your dh backs you up 100%. If he doesn't, perhaps you could tell him that HE can host Christmas, and do all the work, and you will sit in your comfiest chair, with a large glass of something bubbly, whilst he runs around trying to satisfy all the perfectionists - and then watch him U-turn so fast he leaves skidmarks!!

Original poster
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2019 13:05

Thanks Ali1.. IKWYM..I also like cooking, but in a much more relaxed way. There is something about that Xmas Day feast, everyone has such particular expectations. Its hard to match all of them and if you are very busy either side of the day then it can stack up.
I'm glad you got to spend time with your children and enjoyed it much more. That's what I'm aiming for next year and why its been so good to hear everyone's views on here.
I'm liquidating the Board and kicking out the Middle Management. The Trades Union is taking over.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2019 13:13

Thankyou SDTGis. Yes. I feel good now that these posts have made me feel I'm not totally off my rocker and or in a minority of one and have a bit of a plan which is not unreasonable. DH already firmly convinced he does all the work Smile but I like your suggestion. I think its not just Christmas but from now on.

OP posts:
dontneedthedrama · 04/01/2019 13:22

I never understand why people have 10+ people for Christmas lunch if they don't want too. I make lunch for 4 of us then see rest of family in the evening. I think your being the mug because a few people can't be arsed sticking a turkey in the oven . It's a hell of a lot of work for that many people they need to understand that ,

Elfinablender · 04/01/2019 13:25

They are not listening to you because it doesn't suit them. Go on holiday next year instead and leave a note saying "Bantz" on the front door.

Holidayshopping · 04/01/2019 13:26

The extended family feel we have had a "year off" want everyone to get to gather here next year.

It doesn’t work like that!

If you demand a big gathering, you have to bloody host it!

Holidayshopping · 04/01/2019 13:28

I also want to know... if you had a smaller gathering this year without the extendeds-who was refusing to help you and were taking the piss?

Surely not your own DH and kids???

Original poster
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/01/2019 13:54

Holiday, we had us plus two extra on the day and more turned up the next day.

They make a joke out of everything which is meant in a good humoured way, but in this instance, they really didn't read the room (me) that time

I am over it now and will be taking a much firmer line with them in advance about helping out.

The reason its always on the table is that OH is of the "more the merrier" attitude and never says no to any proposal or plan. He does whatever his family suggest and agrees to it before I get a chance to say whether the logistics suits us. Its harder to take it all back then. But I am making a plan now to deal with it all in advance as suggested. So I think it will be OK now.

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 04/01/2019 13:59

Make sure you assign him some jobs too since he's the one who wants to host.
Be the chief and get the indians to do the work!

EverythingHappensForARiesling · 04/01/2019 14:02

It’s fine to be a foodie perfectionist if you’re the one cooking. Criticising the efforts of someone that has made you a meal is just plain bad manners. OP, book yourself a week away over Christmas 2019 and let these ungrateful fuckers fend for themselves.

OrdinarySnowflake · 04/01/2019 14:05

That's the bit that gets me, everyone wants a big family get together, they view that you have had a 'year off' hosting them - but they still have not hosted you! They are missing that bit, that it's someone else's turn to do the work for a big get together.

I would put it that way. You are not insisting on the restaurant option, but that you will not be cooking christmas dinner - so if they want a big get together that's not in a restaurant, then someone else from the extended family needs to take on hosting duties.

Point out that while you have had a 'year off' from hosting the big family event, you have never been cooked for by any of the others on Christmas Day for 20 years.

peepholepringle · 04/01/2019 14:15

They're CF! Of course they want you to host as usual next year for minimal-zero cost and effort to them. Id wait til October/November then send out a mass message telling people you'll be eating out at x restaurant for Christmas dinner. Cost is averagely x amount if they'd like to join you.