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Christmas

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Original poster

DCs and receiving presents they don't like

104 replies

Squirrelfruitandnutkin · 18/12/2017 06:49

Ds is good at faking it. He can smile and say thank you reasonably convincingly

Dd is not. She is the sort of child who says what she thinks. I am trying to get her to just smile and say thanks.

How did you help your dcs develop this skill/ technique?
Me and dd are going to have to practice before we see the ILs I think 😬

OP posts:

itshappening · 20/12/2017 00:48

PPs. (Sorry!) if in doubt about what your DD might say, then with close friends or relatives her just going over to give a hug will probably feel like a a lovely and grateful gesture.

TheQueenOfWands · 20/12/2017 01:41

...

DCs and receiving presents they don't like

ProseccoMamam · 20/12/2017 01:47

Friends and family don't buy things for me or the kids unless I have approved of it not having crap in my house no matter who buys it. Some people ask me what the kids need and others tell me they're spending X amount and I need to find a pressie for them. I do the same with everyone else, so I know that I'm not wasting money on something I think they will enjoy but will actually end up in the bin/charity shop/worn once only to visit me ect.

farangatang · 20/12/2017 05:38

I'm with ProseccoMaman to an extent - when it is family/close friends. I actually think buying something for the sake of it and not genuinely finding out what someone might need/want to receive is pointless.
That said, I taught my DC to find something nice to say to the giver (because they should be grateful someone has thought to give them something), even if it is 'it's very kind of you to bring me a gift' or to find some redeeming feature of the monstrosity gift and comment on that.
They don't have to lie about liking / using it!

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 20/12/2017 05:55

DD is really good at remembering her manners and saying thank you whether she likes the present or not. Also as she’s got older and realised other people aren’t as lucky as her she later hands whatever is unwanted to me and the presents in question are quietly donated to the local Women’s refuge at a later date (clothing, extremely girly stuff, toys that are too babyish, books DD has already got).

DS.... isn’t quite so tactful. He is autistic so struggles massively anyway in most social situations. He’s very good at remembering his pleases and thank yous generally but doesn’t always remember them if he gets given a present he doesn’t like and needs to have a time out at least once on his birthday or Christmas Day because he ends up getting so upset by stuff he doesn’t like. He’s far from spoilt just can’t seem to contain his disappointment. As well as working on DSs reactions to unappreciated gifts I have had to work on extended family too who make things worse by getting their backs up in a really obvious way.

I’m firmly in the camp of “if someone gives you a present the only acceptable first response is “thank you” whether you like it or not. I had to behave that way as a child so have taught/teaching my children to be as considerate too.

Oriunda · 20/12/2017 08:01

My mother has form for bad gifts. She hates receiving suggestions and buys what she thinks we/children should like. My siblings and I open the gifts in advance and then rewrap (if we can) to prepare ourselves/children so that there’s no bad reaction on the day.

yellowutka · 20/12/2017 11:09

Ha ha ha ha ha - no, I have not found a way to do this! I have tried telling off, pre-emptive bribes/ threats, any number of crap parenting approaches really. I am actually not sure now if he can help it or not, and am currently on the tack of helping him notice the natural consequences of reacting rudely, and think of more positive ways to respond, for when he is mature enough to do so. Also, I think it's quite dangerous and smothering to assume responsibility for your child's relationships with other people - I have been guilty of this and am trying to back off. So far, this is working out pretty well. Good luck!

QuimReaper · 20/12/2017 11:33

The only children I buy for are my goddaughters, and I've always been REALLY glad to not be there when they open them: even if they love the gift it's just so pressurised and cringey. I love getting a picture of them opening it or using / wearing it a little while later, that is all the thanks I need, and easy to procure even if I've got it wrong. (I don't think I have though, I'm an ace present-buyer )

Carriemac · 20/12/2017 13:33

Gratitude is a graceful social skill that is never too early to learn. Mine used to practice saying something nice, and to never comment if they have the item already. its just basic manners. some lovely people are just bad at choosing presents, its not always thoughtless.

GingerbreadMa · 20/12/2017 13:52

My dd does say thank you gracefully...but then puts it down and goes off and does something else so its pretty obvious shes not impressed even though shes not rude.

"Faking it" is about more than just being polite, its feigning excitment and interest too, which is NOT necessarily a skill you can necessarily learn or teach!

Me personally I can put on an enthusiastic show at the time....but I forget to keep it up
E.g. Ill say how much Ive wanted the purfume etc but then at next meet up will realise too late that Ive just said that I prefer essential oils to synthetic purfumes to the very person who bought me just that! Oops!

Also tricky if you fake it TOO well
I did about 15 yrs ago about something Im not into
That rellie now makes special trips to get me more of the same every year because she knows I like it...

drspouse · 21/12/2017 09:59

DS (5) and DD (3) do need reminding to say thank you occasionally (especially DD, who is also a bit shyer). But I asked DS yesterday "what do you say if you get a present and you don't really like it" and he said "you say thank you!" so I think he gets the idea.
He would probably say "thank you" in a restrained and polite way if he didn't really like it, and go on about how wonderful it was and jump up and down if he did, but I'll take that for the moment.

I think he (but not DD) might accidentally say he had some already because to him that's probably not a bad thing (he can always use more crayons/playdough etc.) but I would not in all honesty think it was terribly wrong to say politely "oh we have this book already but we will swap it for X", as most adults tend to ask other adults "hope you haven't read it" and it is reasonably polite to say "Oh I'm afraid I have but I know they'll swap it".

I happen to know DD is getting a new copy of a favourite book (we said she likes the series but forgot to mention she has that one) but her old copy is ripped and the pop up slots are broken so she will be delighted to get a new one!

juddyrockingcloggs · 21/12/2017 11:30

My little boy is 6, last year we knew that he was likely to get some clothes as presents - although lovely gifts it's hard for a young child to summon up enough excitement when they unwrap them to appear grateful. We had a chat with him and explained that he mustn't appear disappointed and he was brilliant. It came to Christmas Day and my sister had bought him a new gilet. He went so over the top with his appreciation of his new item of clothing that it was cringeworthy! 'Oh my, this is lovely, so nice thank you so so much'! He was so OTT! My sister laughed and said 'have you told him to show appreciation for clothes?!

CaledonianQueen · 22/12/2017 00:26

My 10-year-old ds is autistic and around about the six age, just after his diagnosis, I created some different and personalised social stories to help explain to him WHY he must be grateful, WHY it is hurtful for the gift giver if you say you don't like a gift/ already have it etc. The social story, which we went over several times was really helpful. We also practised saying nice things about horrible items!

Now age ten he can be so well mannered when it comes to gifts, saying 'Thank you Granny and Papa, you didn't need to bring me a present but I love it!' Unfortunately, my Dad is one of these people who NEEDS so much praise for a gift, repeatedly!

GreenTulips · 22/12/2017 00:38

rant about how we give people gifts so that they can be gratefully received

But why? Why can't we just love a child's innocent reaction to gifts! Why can't they say 'it's not for me'?to save the givers feelings?

What if we were all a bit more honest? A bit less people pleasers?

Are we just worried that they won't buy gifts again?

FreeNiki · 22/12/2017 14:42

I had my up close and personal look at this today.

My youngest god child. Opened her presents. Seemed happy with them. Treated them poorly when old enough to know better at

I took her and her mum out for the day and she demanded more toys after the show. Cried and screamed when I said no. Asked for sweets constantly and to go on rides all the time (local fun fair). After 3 rides at £3 time I said no more. Screaming and waiting again.

Her mother stood and watched it.

I said look at all these lovely toys I have you today, play with them. I dont care I and I want all these things too.

I took picked her presents back up and said she is getting nothing then. I said my goodbyes.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers.

Owletterocks · 22/12/2017 18:47

I don't think it's a case of being honest rather than rude. I want my children to consider the feelings of others. They should be thankful that people have taken the time out to choose a present for them. When they are little a bad reaction may look honest but as they get older it will just look rude.

SatsukiKusakabe · 22/12/2017 19:03

Well yes, owlette, it’s not ok I indulge it because they are young, they should be corrected and set the example by the parent, but it isn’t necessarily helpful to label it as rude (dependent on age) when it is something they have still to learn. I think you can show understanding of why without indulging the behaviour.

Owletterocks · 22/12/2017 19:16

Sorry I was referring to greentulips saying why can't we all be a bit more honest. I agree it's not rude as such from a 3 year old but it is from a 10 year old

SatsukiKusakabe · 22/12/2017 19:38

Oh I see, I think we’re in agreement. Manners are not about meaningless “etiquette”, they are about making others feel comfortable imo, so you don’t embarrass people who have given a gift by being honest about it, you can be honest about your feelings for their effort and thought, anything else is superfluous and potentially hurtful.

Equally I think it is good manners and a good example to give things freely without the expectation of a correct response, and with understanding where small children are concerned.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 22/12/2017 19:40

Saying thank you when someone gives you a present is not a lie you are thanking them for the time and effort and money that has been spent on you. At 6 she should be able to deal with this sort of a thing.

FreeNiki · 22/12/2017 20:00

What I dont understand is what the heck 5 year old children want that they feel so incensed as to say they dont like a gift.

Toys, books, games.

Ffs. Little ones are normally easy.

Original poster

Squirrelfruitandnutkin · 22/12/2017 20:41

Yes but when you're young it's bloody obvious you don't like Minnie Mouse/ paw patrol/ whatever and people should just know that.
The same way your mum should know you wanted the green cup not the blue one, even though you said blue 39 seconds ago.

Kids see things differently and some take to manners better than others.

Me and dd have had several chats about how we say thank you for the thought. I've said that if she doesn't like something she can tell me in secret later on and we can think what to do next.

I think we'll be ok this year, manners are a work in progress but we'll keep at it.

OP posts:

becotide · 22/12/2017 20:53

FreeNiki, you sound like you've never met children before. Taking the presents home with you, what a nob

Saladtongs · 22/12/2017 21:47

Mine opened a gift from my friend & promptly burst into tears. To be fair, my friend got her something completely off the wall but still it was an inappropriate response from dd.

SatsukiKusakabe · 23/12/2017 01:40

I think 6 is still very young. Not young enough to not be reminded/told, but young enough to not always get it right.

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