DCs and receiving presents they don't like

[Squirrelfruitandnutkin]

Ds is good at faking it. He can smile and say thank you reasonably convincingly

Dd is not. She is the sort of child who says what she thinks. I am trying to get her to just smile and say thanks.

How did you help your dcs develop this skill/ technique?
Me and dd are going to have to practice before we see the ILs I think 😬

We have a drill before presents
What do you do say when someone’s gives you a present you like? Say thank you
What do you say when someone gives you a present you don’t like? Say thank you
What do you say when someone give you something you already have? Say thank you
My ds 6 really can’t tell a lie. So sometimes he sounds ungrateful when really he is just saying what comes to mind first of all, driven by nervous excitement “Oh I saw a bigger one of these in a shop” “this is like the one I have but it doesn’t have the extra bit” “Oh it’s just clothes” “my other granny got us these last time too”. He usually says thank you and something nice a bit later when the pressure is off I’ve found.

Obviously rudeness isn’t to be tolerated for too long, but neither should unrealistic expectations be placed on children. It’s hard to “perform” for adults. As long as you and they are trying then it should be enough.

Elisheva great idea! I am going to try this later!

It’s hard but I think the culture of children saying explicitly what they want sets up expectations that can only lead to disappointment. With grandparents it’s even harder. They just need to learn from a young age to be courteous and not hurt others through their behaviour. Saying you hate a present someone has given you is incredibly rude once you’re past about four or five. My mother in law gives awful, thoughtless presents (for my son’s recent birthday he received a cheap cookbook. It was signed ‘with love from someone else). There was still an expectation that he wrote a thank you letter and appear grateful.

Wow, what lovely thoughtful children you have you must be so proud.

The idea of getting DCs to practice receiving an unwanted gift is a great one. Thanks Elisheva.

“I'm as sure as any parent can be that dd is 'normal' (sorry forgotten proper term)”

That’s not very polite, OP.

We do the practising thing too. Because I want my DD to be polite and grateful but, as with all children, some skills have to be taught. She has other talents that come to her naturally, like sharing, but this one is hard for her.

Satsuma that is the EXACT role play we do! Every year!

I will tentatively say I've got mine trained now. My proudest moment was when they were about 7 and 5 and an aged relative had asked what they wanted. They'd asked for a particular soft toy each so I passed that on. Aged relative got muddled and for some reason wrapped both toys up for DS and a completely different one for DD. They opened them, said thank you, hugged aged relative. DS (5) waited until someone else was opening a present then very quietly handed DD the toy she'd asked for.

They are 11 and 8 now and frequently at each other's throats but I will never forget that! I would have been mortified if they'd let aged relative know she'd got it wrong when she'd put in thought and effort like that.

There was a thread about this a few weeks ago where the OP said she was practising opening presents politely with her DC. She got absolutely taken to pieces on here but it's worked for me!

Satsuki, sorry, that's an amazing autocorrect!

Is the issue that your dd isn't polite when she receives gifts, or is it that MIL is expecting over the top gratitude and takes the hump when your dd doesn't react as she wants her to, even if it's appropriate? I had the latter issue with my ex MIL. I used to try and 'train' dd to react as I knew her gran would want. It got ridiculous as it extended to all kinds of things and I gave up. I taught dd to behave properly, good manners etc but there was always something that upset grandma. I would just teach your dd good manners and how to accept presents politely. It's a learning curve and reasonable adults should understand this.

I think that parents trying to bypass this situation by providing everyone with a very prescriptive gift request is a bit of a cop out on several levels.
Firstly lots of people enjoy choosing a gift and should be free to do so. As giver it is their prerogative.
Secondly, all children need to learn to be gracious in the face of minor disappointment. Even small children can learn this and it does them no favours to delay it. Nor does it help them to think they will always get what they want or love.
Finally, some parents also need to get to grips with their child not always being top of other peoples thinking or receiving gifts that had little thought put into them, or a misunderstanding of what they would like. Parents also need to be less precious and more gracious towards friends and family - sometimes its adults who need to learn the lessons too.

Most parents have had a small child show them up or disappoint someone else at some point. Far better its a 3 year old than a 6 or 7 year old. I still remember the one I did - mothers friend said to her ' love your new dress'. My mother smiled and said thNkyou. I piped up with 'it came from the jumble sale'. Cue mother horribly embarrassed. Big telling off for me later - I was about 8 and thought I was being funny but quickly grasped it wasn't appropriate!

Children need to learn social graces and that there is a difference between politeness and lying. When parents justify rudeness or not teaching politeness on the grounds of truth telling, they simply infantalise their children to a level not necessary in terms of social behaviour. Parents who do this are also often the ones who seem to think their child is too young for any punishment and rules should be waived for their offspring, or they are too young to understand right and wrong. I think its often a way of avoiding them taking responsibility, but it does the children no good, because they don't develop the ability to manage in society. I'm shocked by how many over 5s don't say 'please and thankyou' as a matter of course and whose parents ignore it - same thing really. Were they allowed not to say it at 3 because it was decided they were too young to u derstand? And now at 8 they still don't say it or seem to have any realisation of basic manners that they should be using without it being a since of applause. Parents need to teach these skills as they are not self learnt.

Sorry, rant over.

I'm trying to drill this into DS at the minute, he's 4 and sometimes I might as well bang my head off a wall. He gets it some of the time but it's tricky with clothes especially.

I'm hoping it'll sink in eventually and I'm focusing on how kind it is of someone to give a gift and now he has to be kind and make them happy by saying thank you.

Tell your dd in advance if she gets something she doesnt like you can take it back and change it. So be nice when she gets it but doesnt have to keep it.

I also don't think it helps small children to think they can always return an unwanted gift for something they like. For one thing, it often isn't possible to do this, but also it is just a fact of life that sometimes we get a repeat gift or something we don't like...and that's the end of it....there won't be something else. Isn't that an important lesson too. And at Christmas, when there's so much, learning that lesson shouldn't be too hard or upsetting.

Spot on @wombatchocolate

I like the practising idea very much.

My DH has a mantra for this situation. "That is very kind of you." Because it is.

I know this is silly but mine watches those surprise egg type videos on youtube. Loads of videos of children opening gifts and being really enthusiastic. My 4yo really needs to dial down her enthusiasm now "oh wow! I love it, it's so adorable" etc etc etc.

I remember my parents getting my sister and I a rucksack each for christmas. My sister threw hers across the room and said it was awful! I think she must have been about four. We both hate that memory. And our parents had always taught us to be polite. I think it just takes some kids longer to grasp than others.

iheartkingthistle it’s not impossible I got it from you if you’ve posted on here - mine are younger than yours! I’m thinking of changing to Satsuma as it happens such a lot, but especially seasonally relevant this time

I think reminding them before the event, and having a little practise is the kindest thing all around. I know in certain situations as an adult if I don’t practise something to say beforehand I’m likely to draw a blank and blurt something stupid, and they are still learning how to be in those situations.

I also think insisting on manners at home behind closed doors help, so there is a consistency and they don’t get ambushed by the sudden formality expected with an elderly relative.

A lot depends on the age of the child. A 7 yo will be old enough to understand why they smile and give thanks for a vest and pants set, a 2 year old will immediately toss vest and pants set to one side and go on to the next gift.

So long as they remember to say thank you to the gift giver that’s all that matters to start with. Maybe next year she will be better at faking it.

I taught dd1 to say something nice about every present she got. Age 5, when she was given a skipping rope by my aunt, she said enthusiastically "thank you so much for my skipping rope, it will go really well with the others I've got". She tried so hard to find something nice to say, bless her, but it sounded really sarcastic, which wasn't her intention at all.

With dd2 it's harder because she's so shy she barely talks to a lot of our relatives because she doesn't see them very often. But she manages to say thank you and smile at them, even if she can't manage more than that in all the excitement. She's better one to one, so she often corners them separately to say something nice, or invite them to play with the toy they bought her.

I think you can teach politeness but not to fake excitement. Mine (3 and 4) know to say thank you but its obvious with some presents they don't really understand what it is or why it has been given to them. Scratch cards are the weirdest so far.
Generally they hand these presents to us, which means we can say something like, good idea lets put that up safe to use / play with later, or whatever springs to mind.

I also think insisting on manners at home behind closed doors help, so there is a consistency and they don’t get ambushed by the sudden formality expected with an elderly relative.

I agree very much with this, Satsuki/Satsuma.

For us the trickiest bit is connecting giver and recipient. DS is not very good at giving any sort of reaction, there's a bit of a processing delay, but he can normally manage a "thank you" . The problem is he struggles to engage the giver first so they often won't hear it. Then he feels he's said thank you, and gets prickly and rude if told he still needs to say it again.

I agree that excitement isnt needed but simple thanks is.

Its hard to be excited about most clothes for small children. An easy one if wanting to say something beyond thankyou is something g about the colour - 'its blue - I love blue'

No need to over think it or to go into ecstasies or a monologue about the present unless it is genuinely spontaneous. A simple thankyou will do and a few extra words are nice but if they cannot be summoned, then fine.

Adults and older children could often do a better job in looking interested in their gifts too, even if later in the day - so flicking through a book or looking at the things given or opening a box all suggest interest. Casting the item aside to be not given another glance or putting into a bag or immediately removed from the room, indicate a distinct lack of interest. I'm going to try harder with this myself this year - I think people do appreciate it.

I have been training my lot to be polite in this situation and they are now aged 7,9,and 11 a bit better at it.

But I do think that the grandparent who specifically ignores suggestions (not a strict list from which you may not deviate, which is a different rant) and buys something the child will not like doesn't deserve gratitude.

Either you know your family well enough to have a good idea of things they would like, or you should get a guide from people who do know.

Buying random stuff that you like and being offended when they don't like it us not really the way to do it.

Another thing I remind my kids about is when you are choosing a gift or card you have to buy something you think the recipient will like not something you like. Eg Grandad probably doesn't want a my little pony notebook.