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Original poster

Do you expect xmas guests to bring food / drink contributions?

121 replies

mrssapphirebright · 08/12/2016 16:10

Nearly posted this in AIBU but they are a scary lot in there! 

Every year my family come to me for xmas eve tea / buffet. This is now my dm, my dsis and her husband and their 2 dc, my dbro and his gf and their baby this year and sometimes her 2 dc from a previous relationship (if they are not with their dad).

I get on with them all (dsis and family the most) and we always have a nice time – lovely food and drink, board games, music, karaoke etc.

I have just been ordering my Christmas food and it dawned on me how much this festive gathering actually costs me!! For 7 adults (me and dh included) and 7 children (my 2 teens included). I usually lay on a typical buffet with alcohol and nibbles. It’s the best part of £200.

I can’t remember a time when any of them have bought anything up food or drink wise as a ‘thank you’ or a contribution. Of course we all swap xmas presents etc, but I just wondered if this was normal and as expected that when family invite you over they just put on all the food and drink?

OP posts:
PUGaLUGS · 09/12/2016 21:56

I have hosted for the last 18 years, Guests do bring some wine/chocolates and they are gratefully received. My parents contribute towards the cost of the meat.

However this year, I have asked two sets of guests to bring a cooked veg dish which can be warmed up in the microwave e.g. Sprouts and carrots (I have already made the red cabbage which is in the freezer. I think standing there prepping veg on xmas eve day is bloody endless (my parents always help) but they are in their 70's and they hosted for many years so I kind of want to give them a rest too.

imnervous · 09/12/2016 22:27

We usually go to my parents and would always take, and prepare, a breakfast. Usually on Boxing Day and usually a full cooked breakfast

Probably also take some treats and DH may take some nice beers ( we're not massive drinkers )

New year - BIL, his wife and 3 children come to stay for 2-3 days. They bring loads of choc / treats ( sis in law and I don't drink) and BIL brings a box of beers. They also buy a big takeaway for the adults for one of the evenings

user1477282676 · 09/12/2016 22:29

Even if it's only some crackers for the DC or a cake, our family always contribute something.

Crikeyme · 09/12/2016 22:47

We always check for any family gathering (year-round catch-ups, not just Christmas) what we can bring - always a bottle of wine, and even if it's just one lot bringing a couple of baguettes, and someone else bringing nibbles etc, it often gets split out. My parents are pensioners, so it feels unfair to expect them to bear the expense for all of us all tre time. At Christmas we always discuss it ahead - it's handy to know that we're not going to end up with a load of stuff that won't fit in my mum's fridge etc - and if there's nothing we need to bring, we'll leave a cheeky envelope of cash on the mantelpiece (which then gets sneakily returned next time my family's over!).

We've done Christmas dinner for relatives and friends for the last six years, and it is incredibly expensive, so it's great if someone offers to help - but we'd usually say just bring a bottle, and appreciate the offer rather than really taking them up on it. It's a nice gesture, I don't really understand not at least offering to help even if you know the offer will be declined. We cater for people because we want to, but knowing that they've appreciated it enough to offer to help is really nice.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/12/2016 23:10

BIL has come to ours for Christmas lunch with his GF for 4 yrs running. Last year he turned up with three bottles of Moët as his contribution (MIL had poked him with a sharp stick in advance) to lunch. He announced that he didn't like the bubbles we were serving, then worked his way through two of his bottles. Got up the next morning, packed the third one and buggered off home. We were 😂 at his lack of self awareness!

HorraceTheOtter · 10/12/2016 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keekaw · 10/12/2016 07:51

We go to my parents. They usually provide everything but I offer to buy a joint of meat and take veg dishes etc. This year we are taking three veg dishes, the Xmas pud and 3 bottles.

Nicknameofawesome · 10/12/2016 10:00

Depends who it is who is hosting. Certain family won't take things off us, we just get them sneaked back into our car or gifted back to us next time they come over. Usually though hosting goes both ways for us so it evens out.

In your situation as a guest I would offer to bring a dessert or drinks.

Tess123 · 10/12/2016 10:36

That's bloody family for you! A less familial guest would bring something out of politeness. I don't know how you're going to bring the subject up now, years later, without offending.

Lovepancakes · 10/12/2016 15:13

Horacethe otter you should stop as you sound resentful and it doesn't seem fair if you mind? I definitely would hand back the reins and maybe you could just help your grandmother a lot instead and help in a way you are more comfortable with

EvenTheWind · 10/12/2016 15:43

Or you could go out and everyone pay their own way?

ilovechocolate07 · 11/12/2016 17:45

I would never go to someone's gathering empty handed but I guess some people don't think about it. I think there's no harm in attaching a 'bring a bottle' note to invites as it's family.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 11/12/2016 17:51

I would consider it the height of bad manners to go empty handed to a friend/relative for Christmas. I will be taking meat, two veg dishes, wine and Christmas pudding as our contribution.

Sheffmum1 · 11/12/2016 17:57

Say it's bring a bottle! As that will save you loads! Good luck and have a fabulous Xmas?!

SquedgieBeckenheim · 11/12/2016 18:00

I wouldn't expect it, but would ask people to contribute if there were that many!
This is the first year we're hosting, and I was expecting MIL to offer to bring stuff, but instead FIL has made a cash contribution to cost of food. It wasn't requested, but he offered.
Previous years when we've gone to parents I've always taken a job lot of homemade mince pies as our contribution. Now I know the true cost of hosting Christmas I feel guilty I've not done more in the past.... I've never thought about it before now

nellieellie · 11/12/2016 18:28

If you do this every year, for this amount of people, they are very unreasonable not to contribute. It's not for you to ask. They should bring something. Even when we go to a family member for a meal, we would always bring wine and dessert at least. I usually host at Xmas, but never for this number.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 11/12/2016 18:35

We split it evenly between the three families, so this year we're hosting everyone on DH's side on boxing day so Sisters in law are bringing dessert, drinks, pigs in blankets and vegetables. I'm doing the turkey, roasties, stuffing and a starter. Especially with an expensive meal like Christmas dinner it isn't fair to expect one person to foot the bill.

Flatoutnautilus · 11/12/2016 18:37

We are heading up to MILs house for Christmas and staying for a few days. I've discussed with her as apart from anything my kids now eat a lot. I've offered to shop and have it delivered but we decided that the easiest thing was to deposit some cash in her account. In previous years I would mention it to my husband but was never sure that the offer got through! So I've decided now that she's hosting I'm sorting out with her directly.

fluffiny31 · 11/12/2016 18:41

I always take something if I'm invited to a party even if I get told not to bother i can't turn up empty handed for me its rude. Even if it was just some treats for the kids and a drink of some sort. On xmas day my dad always does dinner he wouldn't have it any other way i always give him some money towards it and take a pudding even though he asks me not too.

ChocolateWombat · 11/12/2016 18:42

As Squedgie says, many people just have no idea how expensive it all is....it's only once you've hosted that you realise it's not just a joint of meat, but the veg, the puddings, the nibbles for beforehand, the napkins, the variety of drinks, the after dinner chocs and crackers, the cheeses and biscuits, the mince pies, the coffee and tea and.......often there's a full tea too, invoking cold meats, canapés, crisps, cakes, more booze and more snacks....it can cost hundreds.

If you are hosting loads of people, feel no shame about asking them to bring something - be as specific as you like, because it doesn't help if you buy it all because they don't know what they will bring - it doesn't make you a lesser host, but probably a better one, as you'll feel less resentful and irritated.

And let's make sure those of us visiting this Christmas aren't guilty of taking nothing or one solitary bottle of wine - asking for a specific thing we can bring, or making a goody bag or sending supermarket vouchers if we are staying several days.....all good things and much appreciated.

theSnuffster · 11/12/2016 20:00

We usually go to my grandparents house. I take puddings and my mum takes a starter and/ or cheese board. My grandmother begrudgingly lets us contribute, she would happily do it all herself!

This year we are going to MILs house, along with OH's brother, his two sisters, and their partners. We've spilt everything fairly equally, not so much because of the money but to save MIL spending the day in the kitchen.

Studentwife · 11/12/2016 20:05

I can completely empathise! My sil has been coming to us with her son for the last 10 years and doesn't bring as much as an After Eight mint. One year she even had the cheek to complain that I hadn't made the cranberry jelly even though I was 8 months pregnant and still working FT when she doesn't even work herself. I don't want them to come this year but My DH. Says 'They're family!' Well they are not my bloody family! 😡 Unfortunately some people are just takers and this time seems to bring out the worst in them.

AllieBomBally · 11/12/2016 20:15

As a guest I would always ask if there's anything I can bring, especially if it's a buffet. If the host says no I would still bring wine or chocs out of appreciation.

Pancakeflipper · 11/12/2016 20:20

It's year 11 at my house.

Not once have our families brought us any contribution.
It bothered me last year so I asked for contributions of food/drink/crackers etc. 1 family member brought some cheap unbubbly lemonade. Obviously my lemonade standards are very high.

Decided it's not worth the fuss this year as we've had an awfully sad year as a family and being together is the big thing for me. But I really would love a thank you and a bottle of wine and some chocs.

It's just familiarity I guess.

Sweets101 · 11/12/2016 20:24

I do expect people to bring wine (and always take wine too, 1-2 bottles depending on the occasion so I more than cover what I drink) DM and DF always bring a bottle (not big drinkers) 1 couple always bring 2 bottles (and drink 4) and another couple bring nothing bar the occasional bottle of bucks fizz or whatever else is lurking in the back of their cupboard. Of course they don't drink that they plough on through the wine everyone else has provided! I wouldn't mind of it wasn't for the fact they like to moan about how stingy couple 1 is when couple 1 regularly host and they never do!