Do you expect xmas guests to bring food / drink contributions?

[mrssapphirebright]

Nearly posted this in AIBU but they are a scary lot in there! 

Every year my family come to me for xmas eve tea / buffet. This is now my dm, my dsis and her husband and their 2 dc, my dbro and his gf and their baby this year and sometimes her 2 dc from a previous relationship (if they are not with their dad).

I get on with them all (dsis and family the most) and we always have a nice time – lovely food and drink, board games, music, karaoke etc.

I have just been ordering my Christmas food and it dawned on me how much this festive gathering actually costs me!! For 7 adults (me and dh included) and 7 children (my 2 teens included). I usually lay on a typical buffet with alcohol and nibbles. It’s the best part of £200.

I can’t remember a time when any of them have bought anything up food or drink wise as a ‘thank you’ or a contribution. Of course we all swap xmas presents etc, but I just wondered if this was normal and as expected that when family invite you over they just put on all the food and drink?

if we go to friends we always offer and bring a course, plus wine, flowers and a small token gift for the kids. However when my Bro, SIL and kids visit they come empty handed and we cook/provide everything - then when it was their turn to host and we visited them my SIL said she would drop me at the shops to do shopping for my family breakfast the next morning? and our dinner? I'm still angry about this 3 years later!!! people can be so selfish

When we go to my nanna's we don't take anything but that's mostly because regardless she buys about 3 supermarkets worth of food and drink and a ton of it goes straight in the bin after Xmas because she always buys FAR too much. So anything else bought would be just adding to the mountain of waste. Also DH and me are kinda broke but my parents buy her big things sometimes like they bought her a new mattress a few weeks ago.

But in general when we go to someone's house we normally take something even though we haven't got much money and it's more about the gesture than anything else. E.g. bottle of wine, some chocolates, biscuits, or cake or something.

I hear you OP

My DM hosts, and myself and Dsis contribute

My Aunt and her DC/spouse come every year and freeload

and every year my DM says "they've had their lot, not next year" and then invites again

Frustrating

I would expect visiting guests/family to contribute something at Christmas - all my visitors do, as I do if I'm visiting them.

We discuss it beforehand so as not to duplicate things.

Everyone mucks in with jobs too.

I have a largish family and when we get together over Christmas everyone brings along something. We normally have a chat about what everyone will bring so it sort of hangs together but last minute subs (or this needed eating up) are perfectly acceptable.

Whenever I'm invited anywhere I always offer to bring something (normally pudding) or at the very least turn up with wine and chocolates for the host and my guests always do the same for me.

Yes, it would be nice to bring something.

We are now the hosts for family Christmas Day celebrations and the visiting family rarely bring much - maybe a box of choc or nice biscuit tin.
But - how many Christmas Meals have my parents hosted over the years (all the family used together there until they got a bit old (and dead in one case now )).
My brother made up for all those years of not bringing much by taking charge of supplying a free-range, organic turkey last year at an astronomical cost, so he is definitely welcome again!

I would never expect people to contribute byt i would host within my means so i would stick to a set budget if that means soft drink only i would say sorry cant afford all the booze this year youre more than welcome to bring your own , we see family each year and i usually take something but i wouldnt expect guests here to

My DSis always hosts on Christmas Day and does so lavishly, but I always take six bottles of wine, crackers and anything else I can agree to get her to allow me to buy! One year, when Dad was too frail to travel to hers and she had to cook everything at home and then ship it to the old homestead, she let me take charge of the broccoli...

She doesn't expect anything, genuinely, but I would feel like a right freeloader turning up empty-handed.

We always have mil, she never brings anything... It pisses me off as she always moans if we don't get her favourites in but when we go to her house she's got bigger all in for us (even down to no beer for dh) or breakfast cereal for the kids 😁

I think that now they probably don't even think about it as you have been doing it for 16 years. Did they offer in the first few years? YANBU to want a contribution but you are going to have to ask them directly as the precedent was set many years ago.

In our family we used to exchange money to make it make it fair and not make it a burdon on any particular family; now we all have a bit more money we just take it in turns to host and provide food and drink. Sometimes extra bottles are taken to the host but it works out roughly equal.

I always host Christmas for my family and everyone contributes. Crackers, wine, puddings etc.

I frequently host for DH's family and whilst his Mum and partner always arrive with wine and food etc his sisters never bring anything. (It's noticeable because they drink loads and will help themselves to a new bottle of wine etc! I think it's thoughtless rather than freeloading.

I never go anywhere without at least a bottle (and an offer of food if it is a larger gathering).

Yes people host, but it is the offer that it is appreciated as much as anything. The thought and acknowledgement of the efforts involved.

We divide the food and drink between us all - someone brings starters, another cheese board etc - most people I know seem to do it this way. Everyone is contributing and the hosts don't end up with a huge extra food and drink bill.

It seems rude and socially unaware to go to someone's house for a big meal, or to stay for a couple of days without doing one of the following;

• asking what you can bring, in advance
• taking a bottle and some chocs
• sending ahead some Supermarket vouchers.

The latter seem to be what lots of people do if staying a couple of days with friends or families who will have to provide several expensive meals.

To simply turn up empty handed, without having even offered strikes me as a childish and entitled approach, which is rude and unnecessary.

Even, when going to friends or family, where I will later be reciprocating, I would still take at least a bottle or chocs or a plant.

When we go to family for 3 days over Christmas, I either send £50 of supermarket vouchers, or take the meat, or make a goody bag containing wine, chocs, biscuits, olives etc. The OP is right that a spread can cost well over £100 and even if only a small offering is given, leaving the host to provide everything just seems unaware or entitled.

DSCs always have Christmas dinner with their mum so I end up cooking another big dinner on Boxing Day or the day after. Two are now married and have kids but never invite us to theirs, they moan that something's not to their liking and I never get so much as a thank you or a hand with the dishes afterwards. Last year we'd been to a party the night before and there was no way I was getting up at silly o'clock to have dinner ready for 2pm and they wouldn't come any later so we decided to have lasagne and the moans were unbelievable. DH says we'll have to do a 'proper' dinner this year

My guests always bring food. My mum brings her special stuffing and trifle. My niece brings veggie options for her partner and pudding for Christmas Eve. My SIL brings crackers and a cheese board as she doesn't really cook. They al bring copious amounts of alcohol. I do lasagne for Christmas Eve and the main turkey dinner . My DD is doing a starter this year. We all muck in together. My dad and my DH are good at clearing up and doing dishes. I can't wait!

I would normally bring some homemade dessert, or a bottle of alcohol, or chocolate and fizzy drinks (if seeing some friends who like that!)

I always offer at these sorts of events. I'll often end up bringing a homemade cake, plus food for my DC (one has allergies) plus a present for the host. Take tomorrow as a case in point - I've made a Black Forest gateaux at the hosts request, am bringing vegan cupcakes (for DS and a vegan guest), a bottle of wine and a candle for the host. I've also mentioned to the host that I have an Ocado order coming tomorrow and at her request have added twiglets and mini cheddars - of course I ge her for these.

On Xmas day we bring wine, all the meat and cold desserts to my parents. Not sure either DB contributes but whatever, I can't turn up empty handed.

I would never go to someone's house empty handed be it Christmas or any other social occasion.

We are being hosted by MIL and I've just asked her what we needed to bring. She said not to worry, so I've reiterated that she should let me know if she does. In any case, I will be taking up some nibbles like Pringles, tin of chocs, bottle of Baileys as well as breakfast food for us and food DS will eat a whole new thread about family wanting to be together and then putting on elaborate meals at the wrong timings to fit in with small children

Op NO I wouldnt expect anyone to turn up with something, its lovely if people do

HOWEVER YES for goodness sake in your situation with your own family Of course they should bring something I cant believe it !

Perhaps this is partly your issue and you need to ask them to bring something do a course etc bring a dish,
NRTT

Do you take stuff to the BBQ?

For a buffet, I think it's fine to say to one person "can you bring a couple of puddings" and another "can you bring some quiches and potato salad" or whatever.

I would expect them to contact you beforehand and ask what they can bring. Failing that I'd expect them to turn up with wine/ chocolates/ flowers.

Our family get togethers were always "everyone brings something" affairs. We'd all coordinate and make sure we didn't have 2 bringing the same things. That way nobody was financially drained from it.

The general rule with our friends and family is that the hosts provide the food but everyone brings the alcohol. It keeps costs down for the hosts but it makes organisation easier as you don't have to work out who's bringing what.

My family host a table top party, usually at my aunts house but we all bring some food and a bottle cough - serveral my aunt provides the crockery and music and we all have a fab time,

For family, yes. My brother is an excellent cook so I ask him to bring roasted root veg. My son and DiL will bring the infamous Green Bean Casserole without which NO American Thanksgiving or Xmas is complete. My son (who lives at home) will prepare the special cheesy potatoes. The salad, main, dessert, nibbles, etc I do.

For me, it's not the cost. It's that I am tired of being stuck in the kitchen all day whilst everyone else is in the living room. Plus I take an hour out during 'prime' cooking time to sit with my mother in her assisted living during their Xmas lunch.