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Original poster

Do you expect xmas guests to bring food / drink contributions?

121 replies

mrssapphirebright · 08/12/2016 16:10

Nearly posted this in AIBU but they are a scary lot in there! 

Every year my family come to me for xmas eve tea / buffet. This is now my dm, my dsis and her husband and their 2 dc, my dbro and his gf and their baby this year and sometimes her 2 dc from a previous relationship (if they are not with their dad).

I get on with them all (dsis and family the most) and we always have a nice time – lovely food and drink, board games, music, karaoke etc.

I have just been ordering my Christmas food and it dawned on me how much this festive gathering actually costs me!! For 7 adults (me and dh included) and 7 children (my 2 teens included). I usually lay on a typical buffet with alcohol and nibbles. It’s the best part of £200.

I can’t remember a time when any of them have bought anything up food or drink wise as a ‘thank you’ or a contribution. Of course we all swap xmas presents etc, but I just wondered if this was normal and as expected that when family invite you over they just put on all the food and drink?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 08/12/2016 16:54

As your family come every Christmas for tea, I think you could reasonably ask whether they would prefer to bring contributions, or you can cut back on the amount and quality of the drinks, and provide slightly less food that is also cheaper. Or there is the option that other family members could take turns every Christmas.

I think it's very rude to expect to be entertained without at least bringing something. They have obviously been onto a good thing all these years.

Original poster
mrssapphirebright · 08/12/2016 16:58

Arrowfanatic - really? Thats awful! how can you begrudge a few bottles of coke!!!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 08/12/2016 16:59

Or they could give you some cash towards the buffet if they haven't the time.

HandbagCrazy · 08/12/2016 17:11

I think how the arrangements are made makes a different. For example, when I hosted, I invited everyone because I wanted to. I expected to buy / cook everything as the hostess and I didn't expect anyone to contribute.

2 years ago when my parents hosted, it was because visiting family were in the area and she had the most convenient location and biggest house. For that, we all contributed something - in the end DM barely has to do anything! I think that's much fairer

HandbagCrazy · 08/12/2016 17:14

I think next year you should get in early, tell them you've been so busy you can't do it all and ask each family to bring something (desserts / booze etc)

AmeliaJack · 08/12/2016 17:15

My family always offer dishes but for a variety of reasons I always politely decline. So instead they bring flowers, plants, chocolates, biscuits and lots of wine. Which is lovely.

One of my siblings always turns up empty handed which I really just can't understand as we were always brought up to bring a hostess gift.

IWantBlueHair · 08/12/2016 17:23

I usually cook Christmas dinner for my mum, grandma and in laws, 8 of us in total, and I wouldn't expect guests to contribute to food and drinks.

To be fair my mum usually does offer to make/bring some form of dessert but it certainly isn't expected. My in-laws have never offered.

SheldonCRules · 08/12/2016 17:52

If I host, I expect to pay all costs. Lovely if guests bring flowers or a bottle but I wouldn't notice if they didn't.

If invited elsewhere, I'd take a gift for the host.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2016 18:01

Wow, and they're family. They're pisstaking.

That's why I'm always amazed on MN when someone doesn't want to host at advice to get a takeaway for everyone or order a load of stuff from the likes of M&S or Waitrose. £££

ChristmasSeacow · 08/12/2016 18:37

My family always come to me either on Christmas Day or for a 'fake' Christmas on a nearby date, and they don't bring anything, not even crackers or a bottle of wine. They also come to mine several times during the year for a Sunday lunch or similar and never bring anything. It is literally years (at least 8?) since any of them cooked for me.

They always come to me because we are the only ones that really have the room. One of my sisters does a lot for us looking after our DS from time to time (he had SN so we can't use a general babysitter) so I think of it as paying her back a bit. But i must admit it would be nice if they offered, especially as while I had a well-paying job I am not working at the moment and money is tight!

That said, when we go to PILs we don't take anything except a home made Christmas pudding and sometimes flowers. I offered to bring a meal (fish pie or similar) to eat on Christmas Eve once (to spread the work more than the cost really) and i think MIL was genuinely offended! They are very financially comfortable in retirement so it probably seems odd to them to accept anything from their children.

Friends often come to us too and bring booze, but often not as much as they end up drinking. I don't mind that from the ones who take turns to host but there are a couple who never host and it is a bit cheeky I think. I always take flowers and more booze than I think we will drink.

twobambinos · 08/12/2016 18:45

We always have family over for a night at Christmas
Like pp it costs alot to buy all the food drink and nibbles. Not to mention all the prep and clean up. It would be nice if someone else offered to host but they don't seem to. Sometimes they bring something sometimes they don't. Again it would be nice if they did bring something but then I always go overboard work buying stuff so never need more. It would be nice to know it's appreciated and reciprocated more than anything. Oh well we still like getting together and if we didn't organise it it wouldn't happen. I enjoy it so I guess that will be my reward. Planning my menu for our Christmas gathering as we speak

Grumpyoldblonde · 08/12/2016 19:19

I always take plenty of wine. Just tell them you've ordered the food, you're looking forward to it and would be glad if everyone brings along a bottle or 2.

girlywhirly · 08/12/2016 19:30

But mrssapphire, even if it isn't a question of the money, it seems as though they are taking advantage of all your effort buying and preparing everything. The kids will all become ravenous teens with adult appetites and although DBRO invites you to BBQ'S you don't mention DSIS returning the favour at other times of the year. Lack of space doesn't stop you inviting people to a takeaway for example, with a plate on your knee.

belleandsnowwhite · 08/12/2016 19:55

I would expect guest to bring wine.

Bobsmum02 · 08/12/2016 19:55

My family always come to me for Christmas Day, my DM does Boxing Day so doesn't bring anything, my grandparents always give me the money for the turkey and I've asked my DSis to provide desert as she doesn't host and her family are big eaters so they cost me a fortune lol!

I can't believe arrowfanatic's sis is annoyed at having to bring coke, it's like £4 for 4 bottles!!

Lovepancakes · 08/12/2016 20:13

I don't think there's a fixed rule or etiquette as what suits some hosts might disgruntle others and it depends on so many factors. But OP if it's bothering you it's so understandable and sensible to just gently ask family to bring specific things or see if they're happy to look after certain meals so you aren't overstretched

HighDataUsage · 09/12/2016 12:29

My bil and his family come empty handed and eat everything in sight, they never host and they don't let you past their doorstep. All business is conducted on the doorstep, you'll be lucky if you get a cuppa and they expect at least two weeks notice if you want to see them however they usually call on the way to our house and expect to be fed and watered. It causes much grumbling on my part but dh won't confront his freelancing brother.

HighDataUsage · 09/12/2016 12:30

Freeloading

DeepfriedPizza · 09/12/2016 12:38

We don't host any part of Christmas. This year we are going to my parents and I am doing the cheeseboard and bringing wine. My Dad is coming to mine on NYD and will bring a bottle of wine for himself to drink as he likes red and no one else does. I am going to ILs in Boxing Day and bringing wine and gluten free cookies as MIL is coeliac so it's tricky for me to make anything for her to eat.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 09/12/2016 12:44

I host DPs and MIL most Christmases and DM & DMIL always insist on contributing, e.g., DM usually buys the turkey, crackers and champagne, MIL gives DH cash as she can't get out and about. We don't expect it and always say it's not necessary but they don't want us to be out of pocket for such an expensive meal so I really appreciate it. It means I can buy lots of little extras that I might think twice about otherwise.

When I go to DP's, we usually just take wine - DPs are much better off than us and DM would just send us home with whatever we bring!

BerylStreep · 09/12/2016 12:48

My SIL always hosts Xmas Eve and we bring wine and offer to bring a dessert, sometimes she says yes, others she is sorted.

I always cook on Xmas day, hosting my family. It varies from year to year between 8 to 20 in total. Guests always bring wine (several bottles) or dessert. My Mum always offers to buy the turkey, I always say no. Everyone else always either offers to bring something, or to make a financial contribution, which again I always say no to, but I do appreciate the offer.

Sisters always help with prep the day before and with cooking on the day, which is actually the thing that is most appreciated.

Lindy2 · 09/12/2016 13:00

I host Christmas and have done for quite a few years. At the beginning I asked the various family members if they'd like to bring something along. Each year now someone brings the drinks, crackers, Christmas pudding etc.
If I was hosting for non family I don't think I'd ask but for a family gathering I'm quite happy to ask them. They are family after all. We are pretty up front with each other and to the point.

UnicornsShitRainbows · 09/12/2016 13:05

i host every boxing day, have done for years. everyone brings something, no matter how small. my sister usually brings a few bottles of something, my mum give me cash towards the food, mother in law brings several desserts usually. and whoever else comes i often get flowers, or a box of biscuits etc. it just kind of happens. i host because i enjoy it and i am the only one with space to.

BerylStreep · 09/12/2016 13:20

Arrowfanatic Shock at your DSis begrudging bring 4 bottles of coke!

Perhaps instead of a buffet this year you need to stand with a serving spoon and plate up for people.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 09/12/2016 17:15

I usually have the reverse problem, where everyone turns up clutching food that I've already got, and will now get wasted.
It's nice to offer though, and would have a list of things that could be brought without inconvenience to all parties.
Or just do rolls with some cheap ham, and soft drinks, to make a point 😈