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Original poster

Sad about dh's decision in regards to christmas

36 replies

MadameJ · 17/10/2013 10:06

Me and dh have always spent christmas day with his family. When we had children we said that it was time to have the day at home which we did last year. Christmas day was imo wonderful, fab lunch, playing with dd then saw family in the afternoon. So dh comes home last night and informs me that he has spoken to his dad who agrees we should have Christmas lunch there this year, I am gutted as I loved last year and we have another dd this year so having to spend the whole day there trying to get the baby to sleep etc fills me with dread. I was really looking forward to Christmas :-(

OP posts:
makingdoo · 17/10/2013 10:08

Do you not get to have a say?

I'd be pissed off if DH agreed Christmas plans without consulting me first.

WallaceWindsock · 17/10/2013 10:08

Why does he get to decide? Surely it's something you discuss? You need to tell him you want to be at home with your DDs! could you do a second Xmas dinner at his parents on Boxing Day? It's what we are doing to appease the in laws because I want the DCs to be able to play with their presents and watch the Gruffalo on loop which we couldn't do at inlaws.

Original poster
MadameJ · 17/10/2013 10:14

He knows im not keen, his mum died a few years ago and his dad has recently begun a new relationship and he is spending christmas night with her family so dh is saying if we don't do lunch with his dad then dc won't see their grandad. I am so annoyed and don't see why we have to do things to fit in with everyone else!! I can feel a discussion taking place tonight!

OP posts:
colleysmill · 17/10/2013 10:18

Why can't his dad come to you for lunch? And then toddle off later in the day?

Original poster
MadameJ · 17/10/2013 10:23

That was one of my suggestions but Christmas lunch (for dh's family) involves lots of people for lunch and they are very much stuck in their way
Dh tried to say that it will be easier for me witjout having to cook etc but it's not as dd1 will be massively overexcited and dd2 will be shattered as there is nowhere for her to have a sleep and so I can envisage me walking dd2 miles in the pushchair whilst everyone has a lovely day!

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 10:27

Oh - he informs you does he. Sod that for a game of soliders!! Things like Christmas Day are a discussion. You agreed that Christmas Day would be spent at home when you had kids, he can't unilaterally decide to do something different and just expect you to go along with it well not if he wants to keep his bollcks!

NO Just NO.

The kids can see their Grandad - if he comes to visit or if you go and see him on Boxing Day etc.

Do not let him railroad you into something that is going to be stressful for you.

DowntonTrout · 17/10/2013 10:36

No. Just no.

When you have DCs it is time to start your own traditions. When our DCs were younger we always had Christmas day at home. Anyone else was welcome to join us. Some years we had 20. Sometimes 8 or 9. More recently, with 2 grown up DCs who have left home, after my DF died, my DM has Alzheimer's and PIL emigrated, it has just been 3 of us. We have spent Christmas abroad or booked to go out for lunch with friends who are in the same position.

But with young DCs it was always at home. There was no discussion to be had.

Damnautocorrect · 17/10/2013 10:38

We did this last year it was horrendous, got ds up early to open his presents so he had time to play with them. Got to in laws he was over excited, bored and tired so kept getting told off for 'breathing'.
I was desperate to go after dinner, child was desperate (tired tearful etc) other half not so much so it got worse. It was awful, just say no that's not going to work with two.
It is hard, your trying to please everyone but end up pleasing no one.

girlywhirly · 17/10/2013 12:09

How far away does FIL live? Why can't he come for a short time in the morning to see the DC open their gifts on Christmas day? Or will that mean bringing his new woman with him? Alternatively, if you do go to his, why must you stay all day? You go for the lunch and come home with or without DH and the DC can relax/nap/play with their gifts. I would personally forgo any alcohol to be able to drive home for this. If lunch is a long drawn out affair at an unsuitable time for the DC, who possibly might be the only young DC there, I'd be using this as an argument against going. It's not as if FIL will be spending Christmas alone if he has lots of guests. And yes, there are other days when FIL could visit the DGC at your home.

I am on your side though, DH went back on his promise and made a decision without your input or agreement. I think you inform him that as a partnership in marriage, you agree these things as a couple and FIL doesn't get to demand what you do, or bully DH into agreeing with him.

hermioneweasley · 17/10/2013 14:14

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. His father can come to you.

CrazyOldCatLady · 17/10/2013 14:28

If FIL wants to see his grandchildren he knows where they are. And why does it have to be christmas day, specifically? My kids never see my PILs on christmas day and it doesn't bother anyone.

To be honest, I'd so so annoyed with him for discussing it with his father instead of with you that I'd refuse point blank to go - there wouldn't be a discussion at all.

BurberryQ · 17/10/2013 14:32

quite honestly having someone 'inform me' of their 'decision' would fuck me off so much i wouldnt be going anywhere besides my own house for Christmas, esp with little ones.

Lunaballoon · 17/10/2013 14:39

When you have young DCs, Christmas should be all about making the day as magical as possible for them. Family, inlaws etc should fit in around you, not the other way round. I would be putting my foot down if I were you.

DontMentionThePrunes · 17/10/2013 14:44

I totally feel your pain. My DH just doesn't really start enjoying Christmas until he gets to his parents' house. The trouble is, his mother appears to have run out of welcome for us (me? ds? he is pretty noisy) and keeps trying, through me not him, to get us to say that we want Christmas by ourselves.
And if I tell him I think his mum would prefer it, it hurts him: but she won't do it herself.
As it happens I would like us to have Christmas to ourselves, but I would be depriving him of what he loves...only from the other side, his mum doesn't love it....

(NB what I want does come into it, except that having done it once, I know he is sad not to be with his family.)

fieldfare · 17/10/2013 15:15

Errmmm, sod that for a game of soldiers.

This requires a discussion. With 2 young children if people want to see you, then they come to you!

LadyBigtoes · 17/10/2013 15:31

It is totally nuts that parents and ILs across the country, who have loads of free time and no dependents, get to insist that harassed families drag their babies and toddlers through the ice and snow to have a stressful, high-pressure "family christmas" which hardly anyone enjoys, or else threaten to be hugely offended.

It should be a human right that once you have DC you get to stay in your own home if that's what you want. Your DH is being completely unreasonable - to expect you to do it at all, and to agree it without consulting you.

Stay calm (or you'll be cast as the "difficult" DIL Hmm) and say you weren't consulted and your twopenceworth is that you want to stay at home. As you have a 50/50 say in decisions, one would hope, sit down with your DH to come up with a compromise together.

If he won't do that and insists that he gets to lay down the law, then the problem is him.

LtEveDallas · 17/10/2013 15:34

Oh this one is solved so very easily Grin

"Darling, If you want to have Christmas with your Dad so much that you are going back on our decision to stay at home once we have children, then I will support you wholeheartedly. BUT. To make it fair, YOU will need to be the one in charge of DD and DBaby. That means feeding them, playing with them, changing them and taking them for walks when they won't settle. I mean, you KNOW that it would all be much easier to do this at home, AND how much I want to be at home, but if I am will to give up my Christmas IN MY OWN HOME for you, then you need to give me MUCH MORE support"

Think he will be on the phone to his dad within 5 minutes.

(Joking aside we have another dd this year so having to spend the whole day there trying to get the baby to sleep etc fills me with dread WHY IS THIS YOUR JOB? Make sure DH has a go too)

AmberLeaf · 17/10/2013 15:38

I like LtEves suggestion!

hanbee · 17/10/2013 15:39

As soon as DH and I were living together we started a tradition of alternating between our house, my parents and ILs. Everyone knows whose turn it is and therefore no arguments!

paperlantern · 17/10/2013 15:50

no

its a complete sentence as is. Otherwise

"no you may go but the kids and I are staying at home."

"no I seriously object to someone who is supposed to love me completely disregarding my feelings and agreeing something behind my back."

"fuck off you're being an arse"

Original poster
MadameJ · 17/10/2013 19:25

Ok I have given him 3 options .... 1) we have xmas day at home as planned and his dad/family can visit us. 2) we have lunch at his dads then come straight home so dd's can nap/play toys etc or 3) he can spend all day at his dads and me and the girls will stay at home and do the christmas day that we want. I will let you all know what he decides!

OP posts:
FoamyBanana · 18/10/2013 00:25

good for you! Will keep fingers crossed for option 1!

Cerisier · 19/10/2013 04:59

I can't believe he talked to his father before discussing it with you. Extremely poor behaviour. I hope he opts for option 1 too.

Lavenderhoney · 19/10/2013 05:39

Who is cooking lunch at your fils? And is he seriously saying he is staying elsewhere Christmas Eve, and plans to leave to rush home Christmas Day to cook a Christmas lunch for 4 ( assume new lady is there) and entertain a toddler and a baby?

What, is he superman? And a Christmas superman? Or is this the new woman's idea of being a fab gf?

I wouldn't be going. Nothing worse than dragging dc into the car, with toys, to someone else's house. Your dh should have said he would ask you. And what if you/ dc aren't well? If you do go, take the most noisy annoying toys, peppa pig in the iPad ( the theme tune will drive them crazy) and say " Christmas is for kids" a lot, whilst ignoring the noise.

Next year, fil will be on a cruise somewhere:)

ThreeFromDesire · 23/11/2013 13:39

What's happening then op?