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Original poster

AIBU to say NO to mil now re Xmas??

91 replies

GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:20

Sorry yes it is an xmas thread in JUly!!

We finally had xmas in our home last year for the first time in 16 years. I told mil this in the summer for various reasons mainly because I knew she would not be happy and would try and manipulate the situation.

As it turned out mil had an accident just before xmas and wouldnt have been able to "do" xmas at her house anyway so that sort of diffused the situation a bit.

However this year I know she is going to emotionally blackmail us with the fact that she didnt get to "do" xmas last year and I can foresee it is going to be a big problem.

So would I BU to preempt this by making it clear now that we will be spending xmas at home again this year?....

OP posts:
alphabite · 22/07/2012 13:21

will you invite her to yours?

Olympia2012 · 22/07/2012 13:21

Why dies that responsibility just fall on you? Your DH?? What does he think?

SamanthaSingsTheBlues · 22/07/2012 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeathRobinson · 22/07/2012 13:23

YANBU, imo.

Time for your 16 years of doing Christmas. Wink

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 22/07/2012 13:23

yanbu. it does in the end save trouble, though there are several years of stress to get through first.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:29

Background info-

Dh decidedHmmthat we would do alternate xmas with his family and mine-though he conspired with his brother so that their "year" would always fall at the same time.

However due to various reasons I stopped doing xmas with my family 5 years ago. Mil then took that as carte blanche that we would forever more have xmas at hers. Btw we go there for dinner EVERY sunday and have done for 26 years!

I put my foot down last year and told dh we were staying at home-not fair on kids or me as dh and fil/bil always get pissed and we end up having to stay over etc...

Dh was not happy and threatened to still go to inlaws-I told him to fuck off and go then!

Inlaws were told they were welcome to visit on xmas morning if wished to see dcs with their presents or to come round on boxing day.

Sil invited them to hers-but I know she only did this as she had been planning to tell them they were having xmas in their new home-it was their "year" to go too-but I pre-empted herGrin

So am I BU??

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/07/2012 13:32

Nope.

Tell Dh he can go if he wants but you're staying home Grin

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/07/2012 13:33

Firstly, YANBU for you and your family (by which I mean you, dh, and dcs) to decide to spend Christmas how you want, and then to do that.

As for whether you should tell MIL this now, or later - hmm, depends.

If you tell her now, might she spend the next 6 months crying, manipulating, sulking, stropping, and generally going on about it?

If you don't tell her now, might she make vast arrangements that include you and then get hurt/outraged that you aren't following her plan?

Which is worst?

(and as for your dh telling her - I presume if you thought there was any chance of that, you wouldn't have started this thread)

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 13:34

Its nice for kids to have Christmas some years in their own home. EVERY Sunday there is too much!

SamanthaSingsTheBlues · 22/07/2012 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 22/07/2012 13:34

Why can't you invite the in laws to lunch - seems a bit mean saying come over in the morning then go.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 22/07/2012 13:35

YANBU

make it clear now so everyone knows where they stand

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2012 13:35

Time to have some Sunday lunches at home too, methinks.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/07/2012 13:36

YANBU

BUT... I can see how mil would be upset if your DH and bil both arent going now. After having 16 years of a full house at xmas and feeling "needed" it must be hard to face the fact that this year it will be different.

Couldnt you suggest moving the xmas day tradition to boxing day and getting bil on board so that everyone is happier?

lola88 · 22/07/2012 13:37

YANBU I've already told DM DMIL & FIL that we are having xmas at our house this year. This will be DS first xmas and i am not setting myself up for 16 years of a 3 way tug of love to see who gets DS with them at xmas. Last year we visited all 3 i was heavily pregnant and it was a nightmare no way am i doing that with an 11 month old.

squeakytoy · 22/07/2012 13:37

"Dh decidedthat we would do alternate xmas with his family and mine-though he conspired with his brother so that their "year" would always fall at the same time"

Wow, he wanted to spend xmas with his own brother as well as his parents.. that is SO unreasonable.. Confused

"Dh was not happy and threatened to still go to inlaws-I told him to fuck off and go then"

Again, they are his family... oddly enough, they are your kids family too..

You dont like your husbands family, do you? :(

ChaoticismyLife · 22/07/2012 13:37

YANBU

SSTB she wouldn't be alone, she'd be with fil.

Olympia2012 · 22/07/2012 13:40

So you are round there now?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/07/2012 13:41

Ah, x-posted. Its difficult when you and dh don't agree.

What do your dcs think? If they don't want to go either, I think you should tell MIL (in front of dh) that you and the dcs are staying home, and dh is trying to decide who he loves best Grin.

If your dcs want to go, then you're prob going to have to alternate, and it was your turn last year.

Dh and 1 of our dcs always want to spend Christmas with MIL or SIL (at ours or theirs). The other 2 dcs and I would like to be home alone. We compromise. Although I've been really careful never to get into any kind of routine about it.

ChaoticismyLife · 22/07/2012 13:41

Squeaky you're overreacting there. The OP wanted on to do christmas at home, what's wrong with that.

I love my DM, we're really close, but we don't spend christmas day together, haven't done for about 17 years.

sparkybabe · 22/07/2012 13:42

Squeaky - they may be DHs family- but he also has a family with OP. I personally think once you have a wife/husband and dc then that is your 1st family. Your dm, df and db/dsis are your 2nd family.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 13:42

Squeaky. I think if the op didn't like his family she wouldn't have spent every Christmas and every Sunday with them for years and years and years!

There is a big difference between not liking someone and just wanting some time with just your own little family.

Op. I think you've been a saint, that would have driven me crazy by now.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 22/07/2012 13:42

Yanbu. It's bloody exhausting doing Xmas anywhere but home. It doesn't matter how well you know or get on with them you can never fully relax. The first Xmas we had with dd1 and we sent it at the ILsand despite the fact they had good intentions and it was nothing against them but I just did not sleep. They had heating on all day and night it was bloody hot dp and I had to sleep on the most uncomfortable air bed ever and after being told sleeping arrangements for dd had been sorted I was shocked to find she was expected to sleep in a stiff dusty carrycot that had been in the loft for many many years. Needless to say between dps snoring and paranoia dd would roll off the bed I was awake the whole time. From then on it was Xmas at mine with a good friend and ILs are welcome if they so wish.

16 years is a long time to be everywhere but home. It's ur Xmas too! :)

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:47

squeaky-dh didnt properly leave home until he was in his 30'sHmm so he had plenty of years of having xmas with is parents and brother.

No my dcs dont want to have to leave their presents and go to inlaws where they are expected to sit in front of tv all day.

Inlaws had their family xmas when their kids were growing-up.Why wont they allow me to do the same?

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 22/07/2012 13:50

'Why wont they allow me to do the same?'

That's your problem. Why are you allowing them to dictate to you?

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