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Christmas

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Original poster

AIBU to say NO to mil now re Xmas??

91 replies

GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:20

Sorry yes it is an xmas thread in JUly!!

We finally had xmas in our home last year for the first time in 16 years. I told mil this in the summer for various reasons mainly because I knew she would not be happy and would try and manipulate the situation.

As it turned out mil had an accident just before xmas and wouldnt have been able to "do" xmas at her house anyway so that sort of diffused the situation a bit.

However this year I know she is going to emotionally blackmail us with the fact that she didnt get to "do" xmas last year and I can foresee it is going to be a big problem.

So would I BU to preempt this by making it clear now that we will be spending xmas at home again this year?....

OP posts:

Badvoc · 22/07/2012 15:45

Goran - I could have written your post a few years ago!
Going every Sunday for lunch.
Every Xmas
It was getting ridiculous!
But I was the one who let it iyswim?
We don't go every Sunday now - maybe 2 out of 4 - and we have had the last 2 xmas's at home. It's been lovely.
I am planning the same this year.
When dh told her she broke down sobbing and my fil called me "nasty".....
I am so over it :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2012 15:47

This thread got me thinking about my childhood Christmases (?sp). Basically, you are my mother GoranisGod . My parents, my sister and I went to my Gran and Papa's (dad's parents) every Christmas. So we would wake to all our presents from Santa at the bottom of the bed, get dressed in our new clothes and play with our new toys all morning. Then we'd get in the car and drive to their house for Christmas dinner. It is fair to say that my grandmother was the most appalling cook - veg floating in greasy water masquerading as soup, tough stringy turkey, and sprouts that had been cooking since November. And yes, all there was to do at their house was to watch TV or listen to Gran and Papa score points off each other. And dad did this from a sense of duty too, plus the weekly visits to them (thankfully on a Wednesday not a Sunday, when the worst that Gran could inflict on us was a biscuit). One year my sister and I persuaded mum that we really, really couldn't face Gran's dinner again. So she put her foot down and insisted we stayed at home that year. It was bliss! And we didn't have turkey either - we persuaded her to give us sausage and mash and baked beans. It is fair to say my Gran's cooking put me off turkey for years.

So go ahead OP - make the change. Your children will thank you for it!

diddl · 22/07/2012 15:49

It´s difficult as people are often too spread out to just "pop in" any more.

knowitallstrikesagain · 22/07/2012 15:50

This is what I don't understand. I chose DH. After we got married, before DC, we decided we would have Christmas at home. We did it for years until events conspired against us. But we loved it, just the two of us.

If two adults cannot bear the thought of Christmas day with just the person they chose to spend their life with, that is nobody else's problem to solve.

I love a big family Christmas. But I would be just as happy to have it on boxing day. And I can say now, in all honesty, I will NEVER make my DC/DILs feel guilty for not having me Christmas day. As long as someone is not totally alone, you have no responsibility to them.

I love Christmas, but hate the guilt, blackmail, sulking, travelling, appeasing and all the other crap that goes with it. Luckily, myself and DH have very reasonable, loving families!

CommaChameleon · 22/07/2012 15:55

OP they did what they did, whatever that was, you don't need to worry about it when planning what you will do.

If they stayed at home when your DH and his brother were small or if they visited family, then that's what they did. If they were happy about it, great. If they were not happy, well, it was up to them to change things or accept them without expecting you to do the same and be unhappy about it.

What they did then has no bearing on what you do now.

You've alternated for several years and then seen your ILs exclusively for several more. That's good enough and now you and your children want to stay at home for Christmas, you owe nobody an explanation. If your DH is unhappy then you do need to speak to him too. It may be that he would love to stay at home but doesn't want to be the one who rocks the boat and once he realises that it is okay to do so he might be happy after all.

So in answer to your question, YANBU to say so now. Everyone can have plenty of time to accept it and make other arrangements for themselves.

We were disowned by my PILs at Christmas for several years in a row, whether we saw them or not, because whatever we did wasn't good enough. If we spent a day with them they wanted to know why it wasn't two days. If we stayed for two days then it should have been four. If we bought them individual gifts they would have preferred us to club the money together for one bigger, better gift but the year we did that they were hurt that we didn't buy them separate gifts. In the end we stopped trying to make them happy and found we had a much better time ourselves because of it.

LindyHemming · 22/07/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 22/07/2012 15:57

I do understand that GPs want to see the GC on Christmas Day-but I agree Boxing Day is good enough, surely?

Children are often too wound up/want to be left with presents on CD anyway.

ILs have done CD just the two of them for years due to us not wanting to holiday in UK at that time of the year & them refusing all invitations here.

LindyHemming · 22/07/2012 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 16:10

When he was growing up, was it them at their home or did they go to other people's houses? Sounds like they stayed at their home. OK. I think you should sit down with your husband and get him to tell you about his childhood. All the christmasses he spent with his mum and dad and brother. Be very interested. Reminisce. Smile. Say how wonderful it is that he has those memories. And then ask him why he doesn't want his own children to have lovely memories of christmasses like that.

That's what i was going to say.

SimoneD · 22/07/2012 16:11

I think to tell your MIL that she can visit in the morning then have to go home and have dinner on her own is horrible quite frankly and Im not surprised your DH isnt having any of it. I wouldnt let my H treat my mother like that. Whats the harm in letting her have xmas dinner with you if you dont want to go to her. And i dont believe the 'we havent got room' story. My family have had 20 for dinner before and it was plates on knees if need be but it didnt matter because it was Xmas and everyone got to celebrate together.
Sounds like your DH wants to be with his mother and brother at Xmas, would you really force him to do as you wish if he was going to be miserable - that would spoil the day for everyone.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 16:15

My PIL are going to BIL and SIL's this year and we don't want to go, their house will be packed with SIL's family, it'll be hectic and stressful with loads of screaming kids, and she can't cook.

All i can think when reading that is "why doesn't HE cook!"

LindyHemming · 22/07/2012 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 22/07/2012 16:22

Simpler not to see her at all then!

SimoneD · 22/07/2012 16:28

There's been no mention of FIL so assumed that he wasnt in the picture. even so, I cant imagine for a secong leaving my mum and dad to have Xmas dinner alone when they could be enjoying it with us but I guess all families are different - seems it doesnt sit right with the OP's DH either though

LindyHemming · 22/07/2012 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 22/07/2012 16:50

My take on it is that op's dh is happy to get sit and get drunk with FIL and BIL and doesn't notice that the op is left looking after the dc who are bored and hard work and wanting to be at home with their toys!

honeytea · 22/07/2012 16:57

I feel exactly the same, mine and my DP's parents/grandparent spent decades giving us lovely christmass memories, even if I didn't like them (I like them very much they are great fun) or it was a faff to have them I would never consider not inviting them :(

diddl · 22/07/2012 17:35

OP mentions "ILs" & "them"-so I´m thinking that there is a FIL as well.

LindyHemming · 22/07/2012 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 18:52

I dont want the inlwas round on xmas day-end off. Quite frankly I think have been more than accomodating to them over the past 16 years and they have ripped the piss out of it.

Due to dh and his brother ensuring that they were always at parents the same year then the inlaws-yes mil AND fil-would spend every second xmas just the two of them so no they are not "alone"-they have each other.

I dont want to be accused of drip feeding but think I should also point out that dh barely tolerates my family and used to sit with my family at xmas with a face like a slapped arse

But thanks to all the replies on this thread I am now more determined than ever that I shall be staying at home for xmas again an shall be informing mil of this decision when we return from holiday

OP posts:

Original poster

GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 18:57

simone-but I havent enjoyed the xmas I spent with them! Mil cant cook and before I get a million replies telling me I should cook the dinner then-eh NO! if you are invited as a guest you are exactly that.

Plus I dont like the fact that the dcs are basically expected to sit in front of tv all day while the adults get pissed-mil is a pain in the arse when pissed as well!

As I said in a previous post dh has had plenty of xmases with his parents/brother-40 out of 46b to be exact! Its now time for him to put his wife and children first for a change....

OP posts:

ReshapeWhileDamp · 22/07/2012 18:57

It's not as if they never see their GC, is it? I'd say you'll be doing Christmas at yours NOW, and keep on saying it, because plans have a habit of being pre-empted.

My in-laws seem to have decided that we will be taking the DC to them each and every Easter. It's not a huge ask, but I hate knowing that each time we do it, it becomes a bit more enshrined and set in stone. My MIL is a stickler for tradition and 'we always do it this way' so I know it'll be hard to change this. On the good side though, she seems to have accepted that we now want to do Christmas at ours.

peeriebear · 22/07/2012 19:17

Having Christmases at home is a wonderful part of childhood. It took me until four years ago and DD2's first proper Christmas to stop going to my DDad's for Christmas day out of habit.
Now Dad gets to lie in, has a chat to his parents in the morning(they live 100s of miles away), comes here for dinner and the rest of the day, and can still have a drink because we are within walking distance. We don't have to cart the kids from pillar to post, they can be entertained all day by their new things and don't have to choose something to take to Grandad's, they can go straight to bed when they get cranky and overtired, and I get to go all out on Xmas dinner with proper crystal champagne glasses and lovely pudding :)

Rainshine · 22/07/2012 19:25

Only read enough of the thad to put The Fear into me about Xmas plans. Off to check Christmas skiing breaks now.

Tallalime · 22/07/2012 19:32

YANBU - spend Xmas where you like, as long as you make an effort to see PIL and ensure they have some time to see the DC and open presents etc, does it matter where it is? Or which day it falls on?

We have a tri-annual cycle, 1 year at home, one with my parents, one with OH's parents. This is mainly because when DD was born, and was the first DGC on both sides, we foresaw 'issues' arising if we spent her first Xmas with one set of parents or t'other. So we went to Switzerland instead snigger

We always do a day with each set of parents around Xmas time, boxing day, Xmas eve, 27th...whatever. So they all get the 'experience'...but noone expects us every year and I only have to cook an xmas meal for us once every three years and for more than 3 people, never. Thank Fuck.

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