AIBU to say NO to mil now re Xmas??

[GoranisGod]

Sorry yes it is an xmas thread in JUly!!

We finally had xmas in our home last year for the first time in 16 years. I told mil this in the summer for various reasons mainly because I knew she would not be happy and would try and manipulate the situation.

As it turned out mil had an accident just before xmas and wouldnt have been able to "do" xmas at her house anyway so that sort of diffused the situation a bit.

However this year I know she is going to emotionally blackmail us with the fact that she didnt get to "do" xmas last year and I can foresee it is going to be a big problem.

So would I BU to preempt this by making it clear now that we will be spending xmas at home again this year?....

YANBU.

Do what you and your children want to do for xmas day. Maybe visit or have visitors on boxing day.

Why should have to pander to what others want to do all the time.

Yanbu

It's not all about your mil. I loathe people that expect everything to revolve around them.

Fwiw we had everyone at ours last year from mid afternoon onwards. This was my parents, dh parents and grandparents. We didn't do a sit down meal but a Christmas buffet. It worked well.

Stick with every other year IMO. It's Christmas!

The season of goodwill to all (except mother-in-laws).

What Euphemia said, so well.

Ah, but I'm sure as you'll all find out as the years go by, children are always children even when their adults.

So to the mil it is her child.

We used to alternate my parents and his for Christmas Day. His are local, mine are not.

When we moved into a bigger house 18m ago we kept dropping hints about what a good space the dining room is for Christmas - open into the kitchen and into the playroom.

In the summer, with newborn DC2, we stated firmly that Christmas would be at ours, and invited all those who would typically be at my parents' or his. I cooked dinner for ten (the children's four grandparents, four of us, one GMiL, one brother). MIL was a bit catsarse about it in advance as she had done Christmas dinner for thirty years.

She and FIL are now converted. They got to play with the DCs in their own playroom with all their new toys, escaping to GOLD on tv in the adults-only front room occasionally when necessary. She had no shopping, prep, cooking or washing up to deal with. And WE DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING TURKEY which it turns out neither of them really like anyway. Goose won them over. There was the further sweetener that DH acted as a taxi..

After the event MIL came up with the revelation on her own that she had taken over Christmas from her MIL when children had started arriving, so she agreed it was my turn.

SIL on the other hand was thrilled that we had set a precedent. She has just moved house this summer...

Christmas should happen in children's houses. Those hosting should invite as many as they can squeeze round the table, perhaps prioritising those family members who are alone and/or have nowhere else to go.

I reckon this mil-dil thing is a matriarcal power struggle.

Probably goes back to cave-mother in law days.

You coming to our cave this year for Winter Solstice?
We go to her cave every year, and she always burns the mammoth.
The kids want to stay here and play with their rocks.

Or something like that.

We always saw my family on Xmas day and dh's on either Xmas eve or Boxing day - not because I'm vile but because MIL and sFIL would go to sFIL's son or dd for Xmas day. It was a done deal long before I met dh. He hated spending much time with them anyway, but wanted my mum to be his.

There's another strange thing I've noticed on here.

Most mothers seem to have great relationships with their sons but their husbands don't like spending time with their mothers.

Is this a common thing?

I was astonished that dh seemed to despise his mum and her husband. He refused to go to have lunch with them after we were married for nearly two years, and other things too many to mention. It had never occurred to me that someone who could profess sch great love for his family (except his step dad) could behave towards them the way he did. After a few years simply not understanding the dynamics at all, I had to just give up and accept that what dh says bears little relation to how he behaves.

Hi, we're going to move this into the Christmas topic. Thanks.

you and the children stay home. if "d" h is going to be a mardy arese and sit around grrumpy and spoil the whole thing, let him go to his mums anyway. you and the childrern will have a better time than forcing him to stay. I had a h who was a miserable git When I went for a belated birthday at my dads and he went off to see his friend. we had a better time of it without him sitting there with a miserable face and attitiude. funny though, he insists that everyone goes to see his parents for their birthdays and there would be hell to pay if I went off to see a friend..

my parents have always insisted that we put the children/us first and do not feel obliged to come at christmas.