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Christmas

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Original poster

AIBU to say NO to mil now re Xmas??

91 replies

GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:20

Sorry yes it is an xmas thread in JUly!!

We finally had xmas in our home last year for the first time in 16 years. I told mil this in the summer for various reasons mainly because I knew she would not be happy and would try and manipulate the situation.

As it turned out mil had an accident just before xmas and wouldnt have been able to "do" xmas at her house anyway so that sort of diffused the situation a bit.

However this year I know she is going to emotionally blackmail us with the fact that she didnt get to "do" xmas last year and I can foresee it is going to be a big problem.

So would I BU to preempt this by making it clear now that we will be spending xmas at home again this year?....

OP posts:
Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:51

No I am not there for dinner todayGrin I told dh we were not going toay as we are going on holiday tomorrow and I want to get house sorted,get all our last minute bits and bobs etc.

He was not happy and tried to insist we go but since I held my ground over xmas I have become a lot more assertive and have told him the going EVERY sunday has to stop.

Mil has not texted me-thats how she usuallu communicates-so is obviously in a bad mood.....

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Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 13:53

heath-yes you are absolutely correct-it is my fault. I used to think my inlaws were pretty nice people but having now suffered 17 years of mil and her manipulative ways I now know better!

I have let them away with far too much over the years but am finally beginning to stand my ground....

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Olympia2012 · 22/07/2012 14:00

I actually think a bit problem here is your DH dependency on his family still!

lovebunny · 22/07/2012 14:03

tell her you're having christmas at home from now on and invite her along.
or do what my family did - sunday before christmas, christmas dinner at my mother's - christmas day, christmas dinner and afternoon tea at my grandma's - boxing day, party at my aunts.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 14:06

I dont want her at mine for xmas either!-I have had enough of her at bloody xmas thanks!

Plus we dont have the room-seriously small living room/diner and no spare beds.

I want to have xmas at home with dh and dcs and do it my way and dammit I am going to do it-BU or not!!

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HeathRobinson · 22/07/2012 14:08

Sorry, I think my last comment was a bit abrupt.

Perhaps you could say to dh that it's time for mil and fil to relax and let you and dh have the fuss of doing Christmas?

And Thanks for standing up for yourself. It's not easy when you have a wannabe dominant mil.

Ephiny · 22/07/2012 14:11

I wouldn't bring up the subject with her, it seems a bit rude to do so just to inform her that you don't want to see her/she's not invited!

Better to make sure (if you can!) that you and your DH agree what you're going to do, then if she mentions or asks about Christmas, you can just tell her you already have plans.

VegansTasteBetter · 22/07/2012 14:12

Yanbu.if dh wants to ditch his children for a stroppy adult, let him

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 22/07/2012 14:18

Well done for standing up for yourself more, it sounds like its about time you got to do what makes you happy for a change

Enjoy today (and Christmas) and don't feel guilty for a single second Grin

littlemissbroody26 · 22/07/2012 14:20

yanbu about wanting christmas at home.. but I do think you are being a little mean not inviting them, could't they stay in a hotel nearby and there is allways a way to fit more people in, we had 25 people for dinner last year and we live in a small apartment.

travailtotravel · 22/07/2012 14:28

YAsoNBU about Xmas. I totally get where you are coming from.

We now alternate going away (far far away) to having it at ours. This is also an effort to get BIL and SIL to step up to the mark - they are the ones that have grandkids, we are the ones that pick up the slack of them not inviting them.

There is nothing my MIL would love more than just ONE Xmas with FIL and the grandkids (FIL is 85).

Now my parents have moved back from overseas and are trying to emotionally blackmail me into changing our plans to include them - no way. I stopped being with my family for Xmas over 20 years ago for very good reason. Nothing's changed.

The whole thing can be a tense farce if not tightly controlled and managed to everyone is clear and left in no doubt!

Huansagain · 22/07/2012 14:33

I spend every Christmas Day with my mum and dad, I don't know how many more we'll have together, so I cherish them.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 14:37

I am not saying dh cannot spend time with his parents huan-but he spent 30 odd xmas with them and quite frankly its now mine and the kids turn!!

The thing is dh only goes to his parents EVERY sunday out of duty-not because he actually wants too.It takes the joy out of spending time with people if you are only doing it because you know there will be a huge strop/fall out if you dont.

I was actually inspired to put my foot down over xmas after all the very depressing threads on here a couple of xmases ago about family getogethers and how they tend to be horrible-although I have to say my dh is not so bad that he would let inlaws start dinner without me as one poor posters dh did!!Shock

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diddl · 22/07/2012 14:43

Not sure how long you/husband/Ils get off at Christmas, but there are usually other days available to see family.

We always had Christmas Day just the 4 of us when the children were young.

So shoot me for being selfish!

2rebecca · 22/07/2012 14:50

If you've been married for 26 years aren't the "kids" old enough to decide for themselves where they go for xmas? I would have to have to go out for dinner every Sunday. It seems a bit odd to be rebelling now though. I would discuss xmas with your husband and children, although it does seem very early.

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 14:54

That was a typo rebecca-married 16 years but our kids are still very young and yes they do want to stay at home at xmas.

I have no problem with the inlaws wanting to spend time with the dcs-though oddly they never offer to babysit or offer childcare. They babysit once a year on our anniversary at our house for a couple of hours-so imo doting grandparents they are not.....

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iknowwho · 22/07/2012 15:00

Wow, he wanted to spend xmas with his own brother as well as his parents.. that is SO unreasonable..

Why? Confused

They were going to the MIL on alternative years so what does it matter if the brother was there?

Original poster
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 15:02

It was squeaky who made that comment-she always pops up on mil threads to harnague bad dilsGrin

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rainydaysarebad · 22/07/2012 15:11

Threads like this make me thankful I don't have a mil. Dh is glad he doesn't have a mil too. We laugh about this sometimes.

HecateHarshPants · 22/07/2012 15:11

When he was growing up, was it them at their home or did they go to other people's houses? Sounds like they stayed at their home. OK.

I think you should sit down with your husband and get him to tell you about his childhood.

All the christmasses he spent with his mum and dad and brother. Be very interested. Reminisce. Smile. Say how wonderful it is that he has those memories.

And then ask him why he doesn't want his own children to have lovely memories of christmasses like that.

It's all part of not moving on. The house you grew up in is "home". When you go to visit your parents, you say you're going "home". Well it's not and you're not. When you talk of them, you call them your "family". Well, your family is your partner and children too (I would say only. But then I call the others 'relatives' Grin ) and creating a family unit and having fun is important.

What will your children be reminiscing about in 30 years?

Flyonthewindscreen · 22/07/2012 15:12

YANBU at all to want to spend xmas at home, although it would be kind to invite the ILs over for xmas morning or xmas tea if space is an issue, or go over there for boxing day or whatever. I would offer an array of alternatives that suit you to your MIL, just not have going there for xmas day as an option.

I have had a similarish situation myself which resulted in our spending 10 years on trot having xmas with the ILs and lots of emotional backmail and drama when we changed things. The best line to take is that the DC want to be at home just as your DH and his DB enjoyed being at home when they were DC.

I would slack off on the every Sunday lunch tradition as well if you, DH and DC are not enjoying it. As your DC get older they will probably have parties, activities and friends to see at the weekend which will come into conflict with Sunday lunchtime in any case.

Midgetm · 22/07/2012 15:23

YANBU to not want to go but I don't get why they have to come in the Morning and then Leave. That suggests they could easily stay for lunch. That is ABU. Christmas is a time for being a bit kinder and no matter how much she gets on your tits she is family. Personally it would stop me having so much fun thinking someone else was miserable even if she is a manipulative cow.

WaitingForMe · 22/07/2012 15:26

From this Christmas onward every Christmas will be spent at ours. MIL isn't happy/in denial but in being with DH I have had to give up visiting my family as we share Christmas with his ex regarding DSSs (either get Christmas eve/morning or Christmas lunch) and this year we're adding our own baby. I'm happy to cater everyone (there's space for my side and his are all local).

It's decided and when the comments start I just smile then offer/ask for a cup of tea. I've even been known to say yes, it's so sad when divorce creates complicated family situations. I am a pebble in a steam and it all just washes over me Smile

diddl · 22/07/2012 15:27

Isn´t the point that OP doesn´t want to see her ILs on Christmas Day at all?

I think that Boxing Day is fine to see them.

TeaOneSugar · 22/07/2012 15:42

We're having christmas day at home this year for the first time, MIL isn't happy, but I am so the unhappiness is cancelled out :)

My PIL are going to BIL and SIL's this year and we don't want to go, their house will be packed with SIL's family, it'll be hectic and stressful with loads of screaming kids, and she can't cook.

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