Ex is trying to book an assessment for Autism for our 6yr old boy.

[skip1808]

Any help or advice please as the title says. I’m a co-parent and have always struggled working with the Ex, it’s always her way or no way and I don’t get told things or doc appointments or anything important to do with him untill a week after it’s been done!

so our boy was born in 2019 then followed by covid a month or so afterwards then lockdowns.
he comes from x2 really quiet homes to where there’s no screaming and shouting or loud noises etc.. just very quiet neighbourhood with both parents.

so what’s started this was, when he started P1 he was struggling to adapt to the loud environment that schools being, lots of screaming kids etc..the ex was straight to say that he has a problem and bought him hear defenders to help with the noise becomes to much. I had spoken to the teacher about this and had explained his situation and he also agreed that it will just be a learning curve to adjust to noises he’s not used to.

well he’s coming up to P3 soon and he no longer needs them and is doing really well in school and no issues as far as I’m concerned.
the ex is still admitted that he needs testing but for me I don’t and never did see anything to make me feel concerned about, I just a normal wee 6yr old being a 6yr old. Now the ex doesn’t work and relies on benefits and some of the benefits are falsely, and I’m concerned she’s doing all this to add to her claims by using our child for it. She would and is always listening to other ppl and being told how to say things to make more awarding for her.

I don’t know what to do about this.

Friend of mine thought her DSD might be autistic, her DH wasn’t sure but decided worth assessing. DSD’s Mum wasn’t keen at all and saw no reason for an assessment. FF a few years and DSD, DH and Mum all diagnosed with ASD.

Your OP says you don’t think he needs assessing…

From my experience of when my DS was assessed for ASD, there were lots of forms to fill in in advance of any Face to Face appointments, covering aspects of behaviour. We filled them in, as did school. Ask the school to give you the heads up if they receive a request for information about your DS, then you can approach the assessment team and make sure you get to give your input and observations - as I'm assuming your ex won't tell you until after the event.

not sure why the OP is being jumped on on this thread!

@skip1808from reading your OP and posts it sounds like your concern is more the lack of communication and potential feeling like she’s going behind your back. Benefits and history aside - I’d be meeting with school and asking for a joint meeting with mum to discuss concerns so that you’re in the loop. Make sure school have you as a parent in the app and all comms.

i’m not sure what your agreement if its court agreed then could you ask for legal advice about the comms?

most DLA etc you can get without diagnosis and if you’re 50:50 then surely that would be split anyway.

as others have said - if he’s ND then they’ll diagnose. If not then they won’t. Diagnosis unfortunately doesnt necessarily lead to anything. But this is why it’s useful to speak to the senco at school and ask what their concerns are and if they have put any adjustments in place already?

Some children may mask at school and for different people so some people may see more traits or struggles than others.

Good luck

having an assessment done gives lots of useful information regardless of the diagnosis- it tends to highlight strengths and areas to develop.

I mean, he is a normal wee 6yr old boy. He’s still your boy regardless of the diagnosis. The diagnosis is about other adults being able to meet his needs more effectively, if there is a need. If there isn’t a need, theres no problem.

That’s the same advice whether you’re male or female, no anti male, MN bias at all! That says more about you, to be honest.

I think the “don’t be that parent” is just rude though isn’t it when someone has come on here for advice. It’s going to get a reaction.

Well in my area the autism assessment no longer gives as much gravity to school’s opinions, so that would suggest that they’re no longer seen as relevant as they were.

I spoke with the psych who said they’d noticed that school observations were often at odds with those of the professionals.

If he doesn't have autism, the assessment will identify that he doesn't have autism.

If he does, he will get support for it.

If she manages to claim DLA then that might seem annoying if it's not needed but it doesn't affect you.

Ask the school to give you the heads up if they receive a request for information about your DS, then you can approach the assessment team and make sure you get to give your input and observations - as I'm assuming your ex won't tell you until after the event.

This.
Make sure you get to speak to the assessment team.
Make sure you have input in any parental forms filled in.
Do them with your ex or get separate forms sent to you.

It would help to educate yourself around autism (just in case you may be missing things, this is very common) and also to speak to ex about her concerns. Also speak to the school in case they have seen anything that concerns them.

What false benefit claims has your EX made?
Does you Ex have any other concerns as to why she thinks an autism assessment is necessary? Have school or any othe professionals suggested your son may benefit from an assessment?
Why are you concerned your Ex wants your son to be assessed?

OP, relax and let her run with it.

If he's ND, he'll get some support. If he isn't, the doctor will say so and your son will just carry on being a NT little boy.

If she is primary carer, it's possible he is masking when you see him. So let her check. There is no downside.

Either way, everyone benefits by being clear on what your son's needs are.

Any reputable clinic wouldn’t carry out an assessment without some evidence. I work in a NDS and there’s a triage system, so if there’s no traits we wouldn’t go ahead.
we need to have evidence in at least two settings, usually home, school and clinic. School are not often skilled in recognising symptoms, usually they come across as very subtle which can be discounted as something else but adds to the picture.

if my NT teen was being assessed for something that she was showing no/ little traits AND there was no functional impact I wouldn’t be happy either.

the most you can do is be part of the process. There will be forms to complete beforehand (ask to complete your own independently of ex). Also ask to be part of the assessment day. We have done separate interviews where parents couldn’t be in the same room.

And so, if the school said that they recommend exploring a diagnosis, you would tell op to completely ignore that?

Of course the medical professionals who handle diagnosis are best placed to make a judgement - that’s why they are doing the diagnosis.

But where there is disagreement between parents, the viewpoints of others can be useful information.

Some schools are better than others, but it’s a well known phenomenon that many schools do not ‘see’ autism in a child, and many assessors are starting to be more aware of that.
This is a country wide issue, which many parents report. Do you not agree?

Unless she's spending ££££ she's not just "booking an assessment", there will be a referral process which requires a not insignificant amount of evidence.

so much going on here. Obviously you live your child and want the best for him. I echo others, there is no harm in getting an assessment. Your dislike of the mother might be colouring your view and you need to be reflective about that. But also, in my experience as another of a child with autism and in a whole load of support groups I find h to at sometimes the fathers are resistant to thinking there is anything ‘wrong’ with their child. IME experience they tend to be in denial for longer.

id let the process happen. He won’t be diagnosed if he isn’t. The assessments talk to the school and teachers also, so is diagnosis won’t happen just because she might insist on it.

good luck. He’s still your gorgeous little boy no matter what. FWIW when our ds was diagnosed 12 years ago DH sobbed his heart out worrying about everything. But it’s fine. We are all fine and DH has become a true champion for ds.

Yes, I do agree, but I never suggested otherwise, did I?

What I asked was whether op knew the school’s view. I didn’t say he should rely on their view, or that they were the most appropriate people to make the judgement. Simply, has he been observed, what was their view?

The sheer number of people on this site who seem incapable of comprehending what others post and project their own experiences on every situation is incredibly frustrating.

Go and pick a fight elsewhere.

Op we had two assessors (for other issues) wonder and mention our child might be nt and we fairly blocked the idea and now as a teen I wish to god we’d been more open to it. I think an assessment can honestly only help but it is an awful shock to be faced with it x

I wasn’t picking a fight, I was pointing out that many schools are not capable of spotting autism even once it’s been diagnosed.

It felt relevant to the thread because asking a school what they think is highly likely to not receive a helpful response, as many mothers of autistic children can attest!

I think this is naive - people who go looking for problems often find them whether they are really there or not.

Not always the case though. As teachers are seeing lots of children everyday they are well placed to notice if a child is exhibiting atypical behaviours. They may not realise they’re autistic behaviours unless they’ve been trained appropriately or are very experienced though. And it’ll depend how much a child masks too.

But sometimes teachers do notice what parents don’t. Worth checking at least but keep an open mind OP.

he comes from x2 really quiet homes to where there’s no screaming and shouting or loud noises etc.. just very quiet neighbourhood with both parents.

That sounds pleasant to me.

I did wonder, though, why you both have such a quiet home. Do you have his friends round? And yours? Did he go to nursery or preschool or a childminder?

Do you take him to busy places other than school? Supermarkets, theme parks, busy play areas, cinema, children's concerts, sports or activities, swimming pools? How is he when there?

I do have reasons for asking.

Let him be assessed then. Whats your plan? Wait years while you umm and ahh?

Ex assessor here (used to be a psychologist and family therapist in CAMHS).

Assuming the service that he's being referred to is reputable, follows NICE guidelines and does the assessments properly, if he's not autistic, he won't get a diagnosis of autism. This is the best way to know for sure, and hopefully that will end any disagreement about it between the two of you if you let a professional decide. If he is, a diagnosis is likely to help get the support he needs. If not, then you can still support him in the way he needs.

I have done many neurodevelopmental assessments that resulted in diagnosis and many that didn't result in a diagnosis, or where we decided to reassess after a family intervention because we needed to look at systemic issues before concluding. Parents often think their child is "going for a diagnosis" but my best advice is remember what you are going for is an assessment and not a diagnosis. Diagnosis may or may not be the result, and it's best to keep an open mind.

Who cares if the ex exploits a diagnosis for benefits? This isn't about her, it's about your son. Focus on him, not her antics.

I'm sure there's a way around it if really only one parent can have access to the app - a shared email account and an online phone number for instance.

Although all 3 of the apps my kids schools use can have multiple parents, and I don't pass any info onto their dad except the basics of (rare) medical care because he's a grown adult who can sign up for things himself and talk to his own kids - mind you, unlike OP he doesn't have them 50/50 - surely you can have a chat at pickup/drop off OP, with a teacher or the school secretary to figure out the app thing.