Ex is trying to book an assessment for Autism for our 6yr old boy.

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Any help or advice please as the title says. I’m a co-parent and have always struggled working with the Ex, it’s always her way or no way and I don’t get told things or doc appointments or anything important to do with him untill a week after it’s been done!

so our boy was born in 2019 then followed by covid a month or so afterwards then lockdowns.
he comes from x2 really quiet homes to where there’s no screaming and shouting or loud noises etc.. just very quiet neighbourhood with both parents.

so what’s started this was, when he started P1 he was struggling to adapt to the loud environment that schools being, lots of screaming kids etc..the ex was straight to say that he has a problem and bought him hear defenders to help with the noise becomes to much. I had spoken to the teacher about this and had explained his situation and he also agreed that it will just be a learning curve to adjust to noises he’s not used to.

well he’s coming up to P3 soon and he no longer needs them and is doing really well in school and no issues as far as I’m concerned.
the ex is still admitted that he needs testing but for me I don’t and never did see anything to make me feel concerned about, I just a normal wee 6yr old being a 6yr old. Now the ex doesn’t work and relies on benefits and some of the benefits are falsely, and I’m concerned she’s doing all this to add to her claims by using our child for it. She would and is always listening to other ppl and being told how to say things to make more awarding for her.

I don’t know what to do about this.

Hi op

Iv seen both sides of this.
Friend who has difficult co parenting relationship with his ex wife, had same issue with school app, then she didn't want to relay info (which I understand from her perspective as she isnt he secutary) but put him in difficult position to find out anything, like school plays, parents evenings. He resorted to emailing the school secretary every monday to get previous weeks info - it was painful.

He got quite defensive and fed up at times.

I think you need to keep an open mind about Autism assessment. Ask ex how you can help. Is there any behaviours you can look out for etc

The benefits you can are very small and if you have a diagnosis or not doesn’t make a difference in if you can claim them.

Why else does she want him assessed? The bar for NHS assessment is very high - my oldest was rejected out right so be paid for a very expensive assessment (clincial psychologist, OT, SALT and paedetritrian).

Could you have a calm talk with your ex and ask her what in particular are her concerns? It would help to know this I think.

Which school app is she excluding you from?

Hi op

Iv seen both sides of this.
Friend who has difficult co parenting relationship with his ex wife, had same issue with school app, then she didn't want to relay info (which I understand from her perspective as she isnt he secutary) but put him in difficult position to find out anything, like school plays, parents evenings. He resorted to emailing the school secretary every monday to get previous weeks info - it was painful.

He got quite defensive and fed up at times.

I think you need to keep an open mind about Autism assessment. Ask ex how you can help. Is there any behaviours you can look out for etc

He's now decided he never said he didn't want the assessment!

The ex cannot exclude him from a school APP FFS.

Who pissed in your cornflakes?

That's why I'm asking which app it is, I know she can't.

There is zero reason to block the assessment. They won’t find something that isn’t there. It just makes you look over invested in her benefits to the point where you’d cause potential harm to your son by delaying a diagnosis. Just let it happen and wait for the report.

If he's NT then that will show up.

But also, parents who are autistic themselves tend not to see it in their kids because they are the same as them. Autism is genetic.

Stop focusing on benefits. No wonder she doesn't tell you anything if that's your opinion of her and you don't need a diagnosis to claim DLA anyway.

If you do get parental input into the assessment do not confuse issues with her benefits - like you did on this thread.

Don’t just let it happen.
It’s his child. He needs to be actively involved in the assessment process.

ETA I also wouldn’t mention about your benefit suspicions. It comes across badly.

People have been anti you because you started with you don’t think anything is wrong and you implied she’s doing it to get benefits.

If your concerns are that the school isn’t communicating concerns to you then speak to the school. I don’t think they can limit the parenting app to only one parent. Challenge them on that and ensure you receive ALL school communication related to your son.

How has your DS been referred for the assessment via school or the GP. Go to whichever and insist you are included in the assessment process.

It is very possible his Mum is seeing more traits than you do because she is his safe space.

You can also reasonably ask what traits is he showing with her and how does she parenting him so that you can aim to be consistent across both homes.

Sorry I disagree. High rate dla for care is £110ish per week and low mobility is £29ish which combined is £556 per week. Then there's extra on UC for have child on dla and receiving carers. Plus removes the benefit cap

She may not get this BUT I know a few parents who are excellent at filling in the forms for children with asd who are in mainstream and appealing - a minority but its still possible. Diagnosis does help even though its needs based. Its excellent evidence

You can see why this see why this may have cross the posters mind even if it isn't the case.

This is the wrong forum to ask this question. Mumsnet generally hates fathers, just look at other threads. You'll never win here, and whatever you say will be twisted.

Your ex getting your son assessed is not that much of an issue. If there is nothing wrong then this is what the assessment will show. You're better off getting along with it so your experience is also taken into account, and you can check the process followed.
With the current waiting list on the NHS, this won't happen tomorrow anyway.

Nothing to do is hating fathers here. I actually misunderstood the up and thought this was a mum complaining that the dad wanted to do in assessment. I would give the same advice whichever parent it was.

Indeed we had exactly this battle with my step children's mum refusing to agree to an autism assessment. Surprise surprise dsd was diagnosed as autistic and school were a lot more supportive post diagnosis and the extra understanding really helped her

Just let him be assessed, it can’t do any harm. You need to put aside feelings about your ex and about if you seem like the good guy or the bad guy. It’s immature.

Have you spoken to the school? Has the SEN lead observed your son?

If you have 50/50 you should be able to use a school app - every single one I’ve used can have both parents on it.

You’ve come on to a forum predominantly filled with mothers, many of us have ND children and the way you’ve posted gets our hackles up (well mine anyway!) because you’re coming across like our children’s fathers have. It’s remarkably common for fathers to not see their children’s issues and become obstructive when ND is raised.

Children are often closer to their mothers, who tend to be the first to notice potential problems that they may need help with. As an autism trainer I do notice that many fathers feel threatened or even jealous of this bond, and this can be a barrier for children having a home environment that supports them.

Posters have responded to you based on their extensive experience. MN is not anti men, but unfortunately for many men who post here we are familiar with the scripts that they use to paint them in a good light and their exes not so much. You could self reflect on this, or you could ignore, up to you.

Many SENCOs couldn’t recognise ND if it slapped them in the faces.

School recognition of autism is woefully poor unless the child is stereotypically autistic.

the ex is still admitted that he needs testing but for me I don’t and never did see anything to make me feel concerned about, I just a normal wee 6yr old being a 6yr old.

There you are in your first post saying your ex wants an assessment and you don't because you think everything is fine.

Children mask the least around their mum's, on the whole. She has probably seen things you haven't.

If you were truly focused on the best outcome of your son you'd be onside with anything that could potentially help him.

What you've actually said is how your ex is a benefits cheat and you don't trust her not to exclude you.

That has absolutely nothing to do with your son's best interests and is talking down his mother to a group of strangers. So pardon some of us for questioning your real priorities when your OP is mostly about bashing your ex, not helping your son.

We’re not commenting on your relationship with your ex and who’s right or wrong, we’re just trying to convince you that there is nothing wrong with your son getting the assessment. This is not a personal attack on you and I personally believe it is toxic that your ex is not giving you the full information about your child, but this is not the most urgent issue here

I dont believe this for a second. Every woman i know in a relationship or not with their child's father is constantly bemused at how the school sends info to both parents and yet, only the woman ever seems to know anything. Schools 100% can and do send any info related to a child to both parents if they are added to the system. 30 years ago, with paper documents it may have been more complicated but its just an EMAIL address being added and totally normal.

Op, you haven't actually had a hard time here st all. You appear to be hugely over sensitive. You had a humch of.people politely suggesting that am assessment is no big deal and that if he is not ND the assessment would confirm that. That's not what I would call giving you a hard time.

Of course you can and should ensure you are cc on any correspondence - the doctor, camhs, school etc. They will 100% want your input for assessment purposes and you can provide that. You seem to think the school agree with you, in which case when the teachers are asked to fill in the forms, they will also report what they see.

The only possible issue is your ex attempting to keep you out of the loop but if you have parental rights, you can just ensure that the only thing she can exclude you from is when she talks to others. You can still be cced on every response etc.

So that means that every single school’s perspective is completely irrelevant does it?

I was just asking if Op knew what the school think about the situation.

But also, parents who are autistic themselves tend not to see it in their kids because they are the same as them. Autism is genetic.

I came on to say this.