Ex is trying to book an assessment for Autism for our 6yr old boy.

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Any help or advice please as the title says. I’m a co-parent and have always struggled working with the Ex, it’s always her way or no way and I don’t get told things or doc appointments or anything important to do with him untill a week after it’s been done!

so our boy was born in 2019 then followed by covid a month or so afterwards then lockdowns.
he comes from x2 really quiet homes to where there’s no screaming and shouting or loud noises etc.. just very quiet neighbourhood with both parents.

so what’s started this was, when he started P1 he was struggling to adapt to the loud environment that schools being, lots of screaming kids etc..the ex was straight to say that he has a problem and bought him hear defenders to help with the noise becomes to much. I had spoken to the teacher about this and had explained his situation and he also agreed that it will just be a learning curve to adjust to noises he’s not used to.

well he’s coming up to P3 soon and he no longer needs them and is doing really well in school and no issues as far as I’m concerned.
the ex is still admitted that he needs testing but for me I don’t and never did see anything to make me feel concerned about, I just a normal wee 6yr old being a 6yr old. Now the ex doesn’t work and relies on benefits and some of the benefits are falsely, and I’m concerned she’s doing all this to add to her claims by using our child for it. She would and is always listening to other ppl and being told how to say things to make more awarding for her.

I don’t know what to do about this.

&sittingonabench I’ve tired this, his P1 teacher used to call me and include me.
they have a school app but only one parent can be on it.

I can understand there is probably a huge backstory of difficult coparenting here but on this particular thing, I wouldn’t worry too much.

She can have him assessed, she can’t make him be diagnosed autistic if he is not, so you’ve got nothing to worry about. If he is assessed autistic then he can get some support, which is good, if he’s not autistic he will not be diagnosed and so no harm done.

If he's on a waiting list to be assessed, then he will show some traits of being ND. It is extremely difficult to even get your child accepted onto the neuropathway

It doesn't sound the way your ex is supporting the child has a negative affect on the child..... so what really is your issue?

Also..... you don't need a diagnosis to get disability payments for your child..... check dla 🤦‍♀️

For whatever reason, you do have a problem with your ex trying to get support for your child, I don't know why? It's not affecting you or your son negatively that she's seeking out support for him

The fact your having little convos with the teacher about him not needing ear defenders..... it's stuff like this why she won't want you included In meetings she has arranged, because your arguing against what she's saying

If you don't think he's ND, then that's fine, treat him how you want. And if mum thinks he's ND and wants to support him like an ND child should be supported, then let her?

Which app is it?

Most allow 2.

dont be that parent?? How dare you!! I’ve said if he needs it then I’ll be there for him..
when did I say that I didn’t want him to have one??

Ours let's us have multiple parents and add our children on if we want

I've never heard of a school app that only let's one parent on, very odd considering most children were conceived from 2 parents 🤷‍♀️

You heavily insinuated it

And this sort of dramatic defensiveness is exactly why your ex doesn't want to include you in important meetings. Get your emotions in check

I've never heard of a school app that only let's one parent on

Same, and I used to work in the industry.

I would trust a mother’s instinct tbh - why would anyone assume a problem that isn’t there, and spend their time trying to support a child’s additional needs if they didn’t have them?

How much time do you actually spend with your child alongside other children? Have you compared them to their contemporaries in a meaningful way?

It's very much implied that you don't want him being assessed though? Otherwise why is it a problem if he undertakes an assessment. Even if you thought his mum was doing it for the wrong reasons?

Now you're having a laugh.

Change the thread title to 'My ex wants my son to have an autism assessment and so do I'.

What's the point of your thread then?

Irrespective of her motivations, it will answer a question surely? So focus on that.

OP, what’s the harm in getting the assessment?

If he’s not autistic, he won’t get a diagnosis. If he is, earlier intervention is much the better.

Check the app thing, 4 kids 6 different schools and colleges, double apps in several schools. Every single app allowed 2 parents or more.

She won’t get anything extra because of a diagnosis so why are you against him having an assessment?

It's just a convenient excuse for him to not be engaged with school, even if he wasn't "allowed" on the app, what's stopping him from sending emails or ringing up to find out what's going on?

Nothing. Just his constant need to be negative about his ex

Why would you go online to complain about this? If there's even a 10% chance the child is ND then a test is the only way you will know the truth. It sounds as if you are allowing your dislike of your ex to outweigh your son's wellbeing. Where do benefits come in? Put your child first and leave the pettiness aside until you have more information.

You need to go back to the school. They will send messages to both parents if communication between them isn’t happening (or even if it is usually).

Make sure all forms filled in for assessments etc are copied to you too. Attend all parent teacher meetings. If you don’t get on with ex these can be arranged separately if necessary.

Ensure you are at any assessments arranged for your son too.

I think the reason you’re getting a hard time on here is firstly, you’re a man. MN can be very anti-man sometimes.

Secondly. and more importantly, there are often disagreements between parents about whether a child needs an assessment or not. Mostly the parent who thought they needed the assessment is proved right. Perhaps the interest in benefits is skewing things here, perhaps not.

I would read up about autism/do a parents course and see if you can see what your ex is seeing. Remember autism can appear different in different people and nobody will have all the traits. I often see people saying things like ‘he makes eye contact’ and thus ruling it out. Don’t make that mistake!

Sensitivity to noise is definitely a trait, but I know neurotypical people who were sensitive to noise when younger too. They grew out of it. On its own it’s not nearly enough.

I can tell you that any assessment will mean that they want to speak to both parents. My ex husband knew something was wrong as did I. When he left for somebody else she persuaded him that I was “attention seeking and doing it to claim DLA”. Absolute shit of a woman. However, ex was required to attend the final assessment where he said there was nothing wrong. As it happened son got a very clear diagnosis. So you will absolutely be able to give your opinion. Also your child will not get a diagnosis if they’re not autistic. You can’t just ask for them! It’s a long process.

There is no harm in having him assessed, but not having him assessed if he is ND means he won’t get the support he needs.

There should be a parental input into the assessment. I would ask to do that separately from your ex, so that she doesn't dominate it. Not sure what form it might take - could be an interview. You might have to pay extra to do a separate interview, but it might be worth it.

I wouldn't necessarily rely on this. Neurodiverse children notoriously tend to mask in school, and I suspect that your son may also be masking with you if he senses you don't want to believe he has any problems. Therefore the school may well know no more than you do.

Professionals in the field will tell you that it happens extraordinarily often that one parent of an autistic child is in total denial, frequently because the parent is neurodiverse themselves. Have a think about that.

Thank you very much for this reply. It’s this type of reply is what I was looking for…

MN anti men, yes it seems that way to me so far. Least not everyone is like this.

again thank you.

Thank you for your reply, it’s this kind of reply is what I was looking for. This helps so I know what to do. Coz she has excluded me in the past with other things, and she has then dominated so my input was never heard.