Ex is trying to book an assessment for Autism for our 6yr old boy.

[skip1808]

Any help or advice please as the title says. I’m a co-parent and have always struggled working with the Ex, it’s always her way or no way and I don’t get told things or doc appointments or anything important to do with him untill a week after it’s been done!

so our boy was born in 2019 then followed by covid a month or so afterwards then lockdowns.
he comes from x2 really quiet homes to where there’s no screaming and shouting or loud noises etc.. just very quiet neighbourhood with both parents.

so what’s started this was, when he started P1 he was struggling to adapt to the loud environment that schools being, lots of screaming kids etc..the ex was straight to say that he has a problem and bought him hear defenders to help with the noise becomes to much. I had spoken to the teacher about this and had explained his situation and he also agreed that it will just be a learning curve to adjust to noises he’s not used to.

well he’s coming up to P3 soon and he no longer needs them and is doing really well in school and no issues as far as I’m concerned.
the ex is still admitted that he needs testing but for me I don’t and never did see anything to make me feel concerned about, I just a normal wee 6yr old being a 6yr old. Now the ex doesn’t work and relies on benefits and some of the benefits are falsely, and I’m concerned she’s doing all this to add to her claims by using our child for it. She would and is always listening to other ppl and being told how to say things to make more awarding for her.

I don’t know what to do about this.

Well, if he’s NT the assessment will show that, surely? And if he isn’t, it’ll hopefully help him access any support he needs. So it’s win win.

hi there op. These are really hard questions and my husband would I think have written something similar to your post back in the day. Now he can see the challenges our little man is experiencing and we are both so glad we got the paperwork in place. Helps increase understanding and support for them. Very happy to answer any questions.

How do you know some of the benefit claims are false?

Indeed.

This rather sounds like you're not keen on your ex wife and therefore you would rather be 'right' than allow him to get support he might need.

If he's not autistic then he won't be diagnosed as autistic. I don't know why you're so concerned.
Having sensory issues is very common with ASD though. One of the first things that ds was picked up on was that he put his hands over his ears in assembly.

Is she the primary carer? If she spends more time caring for your son it's possible she is observing behaviour that you aren't.

Getting a child assessed for autism isn't as simple as "booking an assessment", especially as- given that she is on a low income- she won't be able to go private. There will be a waiting list, probably several years long.

If your son isn't autistic, then he won't get an autism diagnosis- no harm done. If he does get a diagnosis, this could aid him in getting any support he needs.

But an autism diagnosis is not an automatic gateway to receiving more benefits. You sound a bit snidey about your ex receiving benefits- do you have your son at least 50/50 to enable her to work?

If there are no significant concerns she will struggle to get the assessment anyway so I wouldn’t worry. I would keep in close contact with school to ensure they are relaying any paperwork to both parents (I would make this in writing) so that you are being kept fully in the loop with any SEND the school are worrying about and also insist on invitations to any meetings. It may be she is hearing differently to you?

Some of these comments are making me to be the bad guy! I’m not trying to be the bad guy, I’m just highlighting my concern as he’s also my child too! If it turns out that he needs extra help and that then I’m all for it!
my ex (not wife) we were together for 6months then she ditched me after son was born and has always made my job as a father difficult.

as to false claims, I know this as she has told me, and that her dad also helps when claiming, as he’s a retired nurse!

im just here about my son not to make enemies or disrespect anybody on here.

If you're overbearing, resistant and difficult, it's highly likely that he shows that he's showing that he's struggling more at home with his mum where he feels safe. You obviously don't like his mum. Hopefully you hide that better with your son than you do on here. What harm do you think can come from a child having an ASD assessment.

@skip1808 You will be called for a meeting as well so you can tell them what you are suspecting then. I suppose she wants to get DLA and carers. Not unheard of.
Don't worry. They won't give him a diagnosis just because the mum wants one. But they also won't not give him a diagnosis* *because you don't want one. They are objective professionnals so please listen to them whatever the outcome.

Assuming you have full parental rights and are in contact with his school, why don't you arrange to go in and have a chat with them.

They are probably the best placed, independent observers of your son and may be able to reassure either way.

Why would you resist the testing?

My ex was furious I was getting my daughter tested for dyslexia and refused to contribute and made out I was ridiculous. She turned out to have severe dyslexia and the diagnosis has been transformative

Absolutely no harm in having an assessment done. If he is autistic then great to find out and get advice on adjustments he might need. If he is not autistic, great to know that and explore other reasons for the behaviours being seen by whoever is referring him.

Op I am sure you really care about your son and it’s great you want to be involved properly in his life.

I’m going to give you the info my husband says helped him. It’s a good idea to do a course specifically for fathers of potentially neurodivergent children. My husband went on it and realised actually he also could see signs in our son. A lot of local autism and adhd groups do these.

We had one of our sons diagnosed young and one (oldest) not until he was ten. My younger son has done so much better because he was understood and had the extra support he needed early. My husband now wishes we had pushed for diagnosis of the older one sooner as well. Both ours are doing really well, have friends and happy at school.

I’m just highlighting my concern as he’s also my child too! If it turns out that he needs extra help and that then I’m all for it!

This sounds quite possessive although I hope you didn't intend it to come across that way.

I'm also curious as to how you will know he needs more help if you don't want him to be assessed?

A child wouldn’t be bothered by noise only because they grew up in quiet homes. If a child has issues with loud sounds and gets overstimulated easily, this could be a sign of a neurodevelopmental disorder.

There is no harm in getting your son evaluated. Even if it was true that your ex is only doing it to get more money, the psychiatrist won’t lie on their assessment just to please her. If your son is not autistic, the psychiatric opinion will confirm it once and for all. You have nothing to lose here.

You’re saying that you don’t see any signs of autism in your son. Are you trained to recognise them? People get diagnosed with autism and ADHD well into their adulthood with their families never suspecting anything. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 35 after a childhood of being told I’m a naughty child and being punished by my dad after parents’ meetings for distracting others and not paying attention in class. It destroyed my self esteem, I thought I was a bad kid. The psychiatrist telling me „it wasn’t your fault” at the end of my assessment was cathartic. It is really common for parents to brush off their children’s issues as normal, while their children are struggling.

She doesn't need a diagnosis to claim benefits anyway, and a diagnosis doesn't always lead to being able to get benefits either.

An assessment won't just be your ex saying stuff with the help of her dad, they will speak to you and the school as well.

What's the exact problem with him getting tested?

I’m not resisting, everybody that knows me and my situation with the ex, knows how difficult she can be towards me and everything.

I’ve said if he needs extra help and that then I’m for it as his father.

im only asking all this coz I believe she’s doing it for all the wrong intentions.

also i believe that she will not have me there for the assisment because she doesn’t want my input but across. Not the first time she’s done this and excluded me.

and yes I’ve full parental right with 50/50

You sound awfully defensive, OP.

Why shouldn't your son be assessed? If he's NT, that's that. No harm done . If he is neuro divergent, a diagnosis will allow him access to support.

Waiting lists of assessments are enormous for children. If it's possible he may need help, getting the ball rolling soon is just common sense.

Make sure you are copied in with all communication with school

I feel defensive coz I was asking from my point of view, but it just feels like everyone is making me to be the bad guy.

I feel like nobody is understanding my point of view I just want what’s best for my son. But it’s how she goes about it and does a lot of things without informing me. I get treated like a babysitter not a Father. So hope yous can understand

A diagnosis won't get her more benefits, DLA is based on needs.

The assessment won't go anywhere if no one has concerns about him.

I often see the other side of the coin professionally, so I’m not saying you’re wrong to be concerned or anything like that, but so so often (ie all the fucking time) children with Autism and ADHD show their ‘true selves’ in front of their mum first - it’s the place they feel safest and usually where they are after a long hard day of masking at school. If I had £1 for every time a mum of an ND child had been told either ‘well he never does that for me’ or ‘if he can behave at X place, then he can behave at Y place’ I would be richer than Elon Musk. Then slowly but surely it ripples out until puberty hits all hell breaks lose and finally everyone else agrees that there’s a problem and the poor kid is stuck on a 4 year waiting list.

Unless she’s paying for an assessment, it’ll be thorough as fuck and far more likely to misdiagnose the kid as being fine when he isn’t than vice versa. My advice would be to hang tight, participate in the assessments and see what happens.

Again my perception is slightly skewed because I see a lot of this at work, but to be in any chance of getting any money at all you have to really paint your kid in the worst light possible which most parents are very reluctant to do. The vast majority of gold digging mams lying to get their hands on a bit of PIP money are actually just mams who saw what was really happening behind the masking years before the outside world did.

Please don't be that parent.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with that comment.