I think I’ve got to talk to the tween / teen about weight

[Robotindisguise]

We’re on holiday which I know makes things worse, but I have very recently entirely lost control in terms of the kids’ diet. We’ve recently moved house and now they have much more access to the local corner shop. It’s right by the school bus stop and I keep finding haribo packs (the big ones) in DD2’s school bag. She tells me she’s sharing them with friends, but admits they are her idea, so I suspect she’s buying them and eating 80% of them.

Part of our holiday was spent with friends who really don’t limit food choices (eg stocking up the kitchen with cans of coke, Fanta etc) and while we all shared food, my two went nuts and drank cans every time our backs were turned - 4-6 per day by the looks of it.

I’ve tried hard to be sensible and non-hysterical about food choices. They know we never have sugary drinks at home but they also know that is because I view it as a simpler way to limit sugar intake rather than anything else. There tends to be the 1-2 packs of biscuits bought per week at home but again, recently they have been inhaled the day they’ve been bought which was never the case in the past.

DH is concerned but also banned from addressing this directly as his efforts in the past have been the sort of language which would take a girl right into the arms of an eating disorder (“you will get fat” etc).

DH is also not especially helpful at times. Ice cream is his total weakness so one minute he is lecturing them on the evils of sugar (he does tend to lecture a bit) and then next he is announcing that it’s time for an ice cream.

While I feel I have approached this OK in the past, and have worked to build a positive body image for the girls, suddenly this is no longer working. They were always a healthy BMI but I would guess they are both edging out of that now. Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say to them? Just making healthy choices at home won’t be enough. It’s what they are choosing when my back is turned which is the problem. I can see more sport would also be an answer but I can’t afford another club. DD1 is 16 and DD2 nearly 13.

I think the best you can do is limit shit in the home. Go UPF free in the house for all meals apart from the odd snack.
Don't make a big thing of it.
Ours now never have cereal, and instead have either porridge, eggs and toast, or greek yoghurt.

I would say you want them to stop buying massive bags of sweets for their teeth.

Sport doesn't have to cost anything, go on family walks, we try to head to the hills every week, play football or rounders or basketball or tennis in the park if you have one. Walk more. Don't give lifts of they can walk/get public transport.
At our house we have a very mini gym which ours use. Hand weights, kettle bells, skipping ropes, yoga mat and a pull up bar. We sometimes create a circuits routine and don't together.

We do all of that - and yes to the “you’ll rot your teeth” argument, that has always been a backbone of sweet management. I was an early reader of Ultra Processed People - we’re very low UPF anyway as we spent several years in a country in Europe which doesn’t have much of a pre-prepared food industry (except stuff you wouldn’t choose). We use “The Roasting Tin” for meals a lot, and both the kids like salad. I even make our own coleslaw! And as I say, all this worked. But now they have a bit more independence they are supplementing this with utter shit. I could knock the weekly two packs of Tim Tams from the Tesco order but given what I know they are buying, it feels like a bit of a drop in the ocean…

Say nothing. If they are overweight they will know it. Don't risk destroying their body image because it's hard, if not impossible, for someone to get over that.
Don't buy crap - no more biscuits, no more ice cream etc. Don't frame food as a treat or reward.
If you can't afford sports clubs, look into getting out for a walk as a family. Many areas offer free couch to 5k, or free swimming for children in the holidays. Praise any improvements to the hilt e.g. look how strong you've become or wow, you've run so fast etc etc
The younger child will also grow more, which will help.

Yes to the walks - we need to make more room for this - this was easier in our last house but we need to make time for it. Ball sports are tricky as one of the kids is very dyspraxic which limits the sports she is able to enjoy and our ability as a family to keep a game going. Unfortunately I think the lack of local public transport is part of the problem. Where we lived had a good bus service and the kids had a degree of independence as a result. Where we are now does require a car to get to anywhere interesting.

Maybe frame it from a health perspective rather than weight? It sounds a difficult one, but great you're alert to it and tackling it. I'll be following along for tips!

The fragility of someone’s body image is exactly why I’m stuck.

I am grateful for your reply but as I have made it clear, we don’t “buy crap”. And we don’t use food as punishment or reward. These are all basic things which we have already done.

I do accept DH’s ice cream weakness is a problem, not least because of the mixed messages. I have spoken to him about it and he agrees with me completely but then forgets the minute he sees another ice cream vendor…

When is your next dentist appointment? If you can ask the dentist beforehand to mention he/she can see evidence of high sugar consumption in their teeth, especially the fizzy drinks.

Coming from an outside expert can really help.

Oooh I like this A LOT. Thank you.

They’re up. Back as soon as I can.

Stop demonizing it and it won't be so attractive.

I think at home consistency is the key. After your holiday get back on track and stick with it. The food lessons that they have learned in childhood and which they see you and DH sticking to will be drummed in - even if they go off piste as teens for a while.

you can’t really control what they eat with friends as they get older. I have boys of similar age (14 and 17) and they both eat rubbish with their friends 🤦‍♀️. But they have to choose not to do this - I can’t follow them around nagging them to buy an apple rather than a bag of Haribo.

Both of them have got into fitness recently, so that helps - they want to be fit and to look good - gym and broccoli helps, haribo and ice cream don’t. They both run, the older one has joined a gym, the younger one does a couple of club sports. We happily pay for any sporty activity that they want to do - it’s important and shows we support them. DH takes them on long, sometimes overnight, hikes in the mountains.

We keep all this messaging very straightforward and we do talk openly about gaining and losing weight both for health and for looking good. I know it’s considered verboten in the UK but we’re in France where everyone is a lot more direct and matter of fact about it.

Where do they get money from to buy Haribo from? I’d stop that straight away.

Friday sweet night with a pick n mix scoop and small paper bag helps control things a bit in our house. They don’t have anywhere near as much as they’d have if they picked a pack of sweets from the shop.

I was thinking something along the lines of.....I want you to be as fit, healthy and strong as possible and too much junk food or processed food can affect how your body works. It can make you feel tired, slow or moody, make it harder to concentrate in school or perform well in sports. It can affect your skin, sleep, and your immune system so you catch more illnesses. It can also lead to problems like heart disease, diabetes, or joint pain later in life. Your body is still growing, and what you eat now helps build your future health. Some treats are ok, lots of treats are not healthy. It might seem like I'm nagging at you or being boring but it's my job as your parent to keep you healthy.

Then it's coming at it from a health point of view, not a body image point of view? I don't know if this is the right thing to do but the way, only my suggestion, and I'd be interested in what others think!

I would talk about adult onset diabetes- a real risk when you eat loads of sugar now.

my dad had a shit diet and got type 2 diabetes. No fun.

It sounds like you are a bit overly concerned with this. I say this kindly, perhaps this is an opportunity to examine your own relationship with weight and food instead of passing on your insecurities to the next generation.

Don't say anything, they have eyes they can see what they look like they don't need it to be pointed out that they are gaining weight.
Just make healthy dinners and snacks, they will eat what they want when they're out of the house regardless of what you say or do. If it's forbidden they will eat it in secret so make it more relaxed.
Give them Fanta zero if you're so concerned they are drinking 6 cans a day behind your back

Yes this. They have already picked up on your 'concern' hence eating and drinking behind your back and lying that they're sharing with friends.

I don’t. That’s why I’ve started a thread on here before saying anything to them at all.

I deleted this comment earlier because I wanted to keep the thread from becoming another weight / diet related bun fight (or tofu fight?) but I do think some people weigh in to threads like these with their own personal hobby horses about What Fat People Do without actually reading the situation described.

Your own language in your op shows you limit and forbid anything you don't deem acceptable.

Have everything in moderation and they won't go mad for it as soon as they are able 🤷‍♀️

I don’t have food insecurities. Again this is “weight thread by numbers” rather than reading the thread. I was very fortunate with my genes and stayed a very consistent BMI of just over 20 (my weight never budged at all except going up and down a consistent 5 lb for my menstrual cycle) throughout my entire adult life until menopause, when an extra stone jumped on but again things have stayed consistent since.

I think you’re just here for a fight to be honest. We don’t have sugary drinks at home, you’re right. I think this is pretty normal. I am setting out where the unhealthy food is in their diet as I wanted advice, not because I end each day with a ledger.

As recommended upthread we limit UPF so won’t be buying Fanta Zero, but it was a genuine recommendation so thank you.

You asked for advice, I gave it. Take it or don't, it makes no difference to me. You seem to be the one angling to argue with people here, that aren't giving you whatever answer it is you are looking for.

But, the answer is, if you want them to stop ganneting sugar down as soon as you aren't helicoptering, you need to stop restricting it.

I’d attack it from the angle that they’re being rude and selfish. The biscuits were for everyone and were supposed to last the week. The cans of fizzy drink were also for everyone and supposed last the duration of the holiday. And now others have to miss out because they’ve selfish and eaten them all. People won’t want to invite them again if they can’t share and take all the nice drinks for themselves.

Also I don’t know that I necessarily agree with never having this stuff at home. As you’re finding it increases its appeal, they can’t control themselves when they do get access to it and they’re eating it behind your back then lying about it. May not be what you want to do but buying a small selection of sugar free fizzy drinks e.g. sugar free lemonade and diet coke and allowing them 1 a day might mean they lose their shine a bit and they don’t feel the need to go nuts when confronted with a fridge full of fanta.