I think I’ve got to talk to the tween / teen about weight

[Robotindisguise]

We’re on holiday which I know makes things worse, but I have very recently entirely lost control in terms of the kids’ diet. We’ve recently moved house and now they have much more access to the local corner shop. It’s right by the school bus stop and I keep finding haribo packs (the big ones) in DD2’s school bag. She tells me she’s sharing them with friends, but admits they are her idea, so I suspect she’s buying them and eating 80% of them.

Part of our holiday was spent with friends who really don’t limit food choices (eg stocking up the kitchen with cans of coke, Fanta etc) and while we all shared food, my two went nuts and drank cans every time our backs were turned - 4-6 per day by the looks of it.

I’ve tried hard to be sensible and non-hysterical about food choices. They know we never have sugary drinks at home but they also know that is because I view it as a simpler way to limit sugar intake rather than anything else. There tends to be the 1-2 packs of biscuits bought per week at home but again, recently they have been inhaled the day they’ve been bought which was never the case in the past.

DH is concerned but also banned from addressing this directly as his efforts in the past have been the sort of language which would take a girl right into the arms of an eating disorder (“you will get fat” etc).

DH is also not especially helpful at times. Ice cream is his total weakness so one minute he is lecturing them on the evils of sugar (he does tend to lecture a bit) and then next he is announcing that it’s time for an ice cream.

While I feel I have approached this OK in the past, and have worked to build a positive body image for the girls, suddenly this is no longer working. They were always a healthy BMI but I would guess they are both edging out of that now. Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say to them? Just making healthy choices at home won’t be enough. It’s what they are choosing when my back is turned which is the problem. I can see more sport would also be an answer but I can’t afford another club. DD1 is 16 and DD2 nearly 13.

I find the 'don't say anything, they're aware' attitude fascinating. I say that as the daughter of someone who was obsessed with her and our weight (even though none of us were actually overweight). I think saying or doing nothing is why there are so many genuinely fat people out there now so there has to be some fine line between eating disorder and obesity surely? I admire you for wanting to resolve it sooner than later.

They do have a small amount of pocket money. I would be surprised if most teenagers didn’t? I think it’s important to learn to budget. The people I met at uni who were terrible with money had never had to manage a regular income stream. But that said, I do see it’s part of the problem.

Are they actually overweight?

Absolutely this.

Can you talk with them about what they want to spend the pocket money on - saving it for something they really want or spending it going places with friends etc? If they’re just spending on haribo they’re not really learning any budgeting

I’m not sure how they feel about it at the moment because compared to most British kids, they’re not outliers. This is more about their recently changed diet and the trajectory I can see, than that they are visibly overweight by UK standards.

I actually think moving has been half the problem. Kids in their school go to the corner shop to buy snacks as a pastime. This wasn’t the case where we lived before.

Well DD2 (who has the biggest Haribo habit) almost did learn an excellent lesson because she had burned through her allowance on sweets and cheap soft toys and then saw something she really wanted. But unfortunately it was then the summer holidays and both grandparents gave her spending money. Which was very generous but we were within touching distance of a Valuable Life Lesson!

You could also argue the waste of pocket money buying sweets in the corner shop every day, how much money do they have in their pockets for spending on a school day? Could you provide something a bit better to snack on, so they don't 'waste' their pocket money?

I just don’t think this is always true. I have struggled with weight all my life before finally getting it under control in the last 4 years. I’m 63. And weight used to creep up on me, I never really was aware. And I thought they were just bad photographs etc.

They’ve gone wild on holiday - park this as it’s a one off.

As you’re a generally healthy household it sounds like the buying from the shop is one of the main issues. I think you could talk to your DD about being healthy and suggest that buying the bag of haribo is a once a week treat (maybe Friday) and these are sharing bags so should be shared with friends.

Biscuits being inhaled, you need to say that they’re limited to one, once a day and say that financially you need to keep an eye on the cost of the weekly shop.

You’re clearly very knowledgeable about not wanting to affect their esteem and relationship with food. Definitely go for the health and nutrition focus.

Exactly what I was going to say. If you read back over your posts and other poster's comments, it's a complete contradiction of things like "no food is labelled bad" followed by "we don't have any crap in the house" "stop buying biscuits" and stuff about your husbands ice cream "weakness". Your attitude to food being either good or bad is obvious to me, and your kids will absolutely know this and pick up on it. Them binging on fizzy drinks and eating sweets in secret is happening for a reason.

I don't think saying nothing at all and pretend all is fine is the approach I would choose. I have read plenty of posts from overweight women who were also overweight as children to know that not addressing it early isn't a good idea. I would address it but focus on it from a health perspective rather than a looks perspective. The age they are makes it harder, especially the 16 yo, as you have very little time to change their habits back to somewhat healthy. I think you have and are modelling what healthy eating looks like, so I don't think you need to do anything different there.

I think it's very normal for teens to go a bit overboard when they suddenly have the option to buy whatever they want, mine did too, and I think the one thing that worked for them was that is started to affect their appearance (especially skin) and once they reached the more vain years and started dating they cleaned up their diets willingly. It was probably around 17-18 their thinking matured a bit.

Also, I would be mortified if I took my kids to stay with friends and my kids drank 4-6 cans of their soda every day. I think I would have had to point that out too.

I personally wouldn’t be approaching this as a weight thing, but as a behaviour thing. Taking 6 cans of drink a day is unacceptable in my book. They should be asking if they can have XYZ, not just treating the fridge as a free for all. Ditto eating a whole packet of biscuits in a day.

You have less control over they buy, granted, but since when is it alright for a tween to have carte Blanche to demolish whatever they come across? For one thing, it’s selfish with regard to anyone else’s needs. Tackle that. Good luck!

Thank you.

I am considering what other posters are saying about the idea that having sweets and soda at home would make it less attractive. I have worked hard not to demonise foods but am open with the children that I find it easier to make healthy choices in the shop than have very sugary food available at all times. I do see that they inhaled all the soda as it was available in a way it isn’t at home.

That said, I agree that it is a holiday and that does mean more ice cream and coke than usual - I think that’s the case for most families.

Thanks to everyone who is contributing. For those who have given advice that I can’t see myself (ourselves) in, I am also grateful for your advice and time too.

Yes we did give them an absolute bollocking over the selfishness of that. We weren’t aware they were doing it - not because they were hiding it especially but because of the way the holiday house was laid out - there was a chill out / sports area the kids were using which was sort of round the corner, and everyone was old enough that there were no adults lurking for safety reasons.

You do sound quite restricted with the ‘treats’. My girls are similar ages to yours. They and all their friends have some access to sweets, biscuits, crisps etc. At 16 they are now all pretty good at regulating themselves.
At the end of the day some of it will come down to natural body shapes. Both of mine have access to the same foods. One is a bean pole the other curvy (but healthy weight)
At 16 she is going to have to decide Nd learn for herself.
You can remove all the food and drinks from your house. You can keep on giving the same messages about healthy eating. But they are going to have to learn for themselves.
Personally, I life devoid of a few simple pleasures such as a bowl of ice cream is a bit of a sad one.

I’ve navigated this too OP so I feel your pain!

The snacks out of the house are the worst aren’t they? You only find out afterwards. No way would mine have taken a piece of fruit like an adult going to work.

It’s complex and I don’t have advice. We’re ‘alright’ because the teens somewhat regulate when they’re at home and they are active.

oh I forgot when DD was 16 we got her some PT sessions to focus on strength/fitness and the PT taught her about macros etc.

some of it stuck as she’s doing OK now having left school but yeah it is really tough.

How is this helpful? Don't say anything and pretend it's not happening?

this is about children. Of course a parent should act upon this and say something.
I was at a music in the park type thing on Sunday locally. I live in a very middle class town and I was shocked at how many children were obese. Not just puppy fat but obese. Red in the face, barely being able to run around. It was so sad to see. If everyone just 'says nothing' more and more children will be obese.

setting them up for a life of health problems and bullying.

OP is completely right to want to act upon this.

I agree - it’s funny, some posters are accusing me of having a crap-laden diet, and others are accusing me of being the food fun police! I suppose I’m somewhere in between just like everyone else.

I do think that with the food environment we’re in, everyone needs to have boundaries as the food industry works hard to break those boundaries down. For us, it’s been water to drink in the home rather than sugary drinks. Other people may choose something else. Yet other people might have kids like me as a kid, able to eat lots of 80s shit but remaining a beanpole.

May be totally impractical for you but could you get a dog for the girls?
Walking a dog daily is great for increasing your steps and activity by stealth.
May not be an option I know.

When does she eat the sweets? Is it on the bus to school? Is that a long journey? I would be wondering why she gets sugar cravings, honestly. What is the impulse to buy in the mornings? Tends to be either emotional, boredom, or physiological. Is she having a good enough breakfast? Is she lonely on the long trip to school?
If the stuff is freely available it's no surprise people down it (although if you are in the UK pop won't have much sugar in it anyway), but some mechanism in her mind is telling her to go to the shop and buy sweets, probably eat them all, feel shit about it and lie to you about how much she's having. Would be good to interfere with that cycle if nothing else.

‘Treats’ 🤦‍♀️. As I live outside the UK now and in a country that really doesn’t do ‘treats’ I find it such a bizarre concept. Have you ever watched ‘The Men Who Made Us Fat’ documentary? The concept of a (sugary, fatty) foodstuff that was ‘a little extra treat’ was invented by food manufacturers in the 1970s, and was a deliberate attempt to disrupt the formerly healthy standard British diet of three meals a day with no snacking so they could sell more manufactured, high profit ‘food’ to British consumers. FFWD to today and you can see we fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Google some pics of rotting teeth and stick them on the fridge door….if that doesn’t stop them eating sugary stuff then nothing will!

Please don’t get a dog unless you REALLY want one….a dog is for life not just for weight loss!

You seem to be fine with approaching foods as "bad" from a sugar aspect but not from a "this will make you fat" one. You personally are also very conscious of low UPF and mention the Ultra processed people book. So would you be happy to hang the conversation on that hook? That haribo and fizzy drinks (zero sugar or not) are not great for teeth or the impact they have on body's health, hormones all the other stuff (I haven't read it).