I think I’ve got to talk to the tween / teen about weight

[Robotindisguise]

We’re on holiday which I know makes things worse, but I have very recently entirely lost control in terms of the kids’ diet. We’ve recently moved house and now they have much more access to the local corner shop. It’s right by the school bus stop and I keep finding haribo packs (the big ones) in DD2’s school bag. She tells me she’s sharing them with friends, but admits they are her idea, so I suspect she’s buying them and eating 80% of them.

Part of our holiday was spent with friends who really don’t limit food choices (eg stocking up the kitchen with cans of coke, Fanta etc) and while we all shared food, my two went nuts and drank cans every time our backs were turned - 4-6 per day by the looks of it.

I’ve tried hard to be sensible and non-hysterical about food choices. They know we never have sugary drinks at home but they also know that is because I view it as a simpler way to limit sugar intake rather than anything else. There tends to be the 1-2 packs of biscuits bought per week at home but again, recently they have been inhaled the day they’ve been bought which was never the case in the past.

DH is concerned but also banned from addressing this directly as his efforts in the past have been the sort of language which would take a girl right into the arms of an eating disorder (“you will get fat” etc).

DH is also not especially helpful at times. Ice cream is his total weakness so one minute he is lecturing them on the evils of sugar (he does tend to lecture a bit) and then next he is announcing that it’s time for an ice cream.

While I feel I have approached this OK in the past, and have worked to build a positive body image for the girls, suddenly this is no longer working. They were always a healthy BMI but I would guess they are both edging out of that now. Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say to them? Just making healthy choices at home won’t be enough. It’s what they are choosing when my back is turned which is the problem. I can see more sport would also be an answer but I can’t afford another club. DD1 is 16 and DD2 nearly 13.

We only ever bought soda for Christmas and parties as dd has the softest teeth and the dentist was very specific that it was bad.

Even healthy foods can be bad though, dd's dh had 9 fillings after uni as he continually ate fruit.

My DC are much younger so I've not been there yet! But going overboard on holidays to me sounds OK I think I'd let that go. I def wouldn't say anything on holidays.

If you are concerned though you will need to find a nicer way to discuss it. My gran used to tell me 'I needed toning up'

I don't think having thing available in the house would make them less 'exciting' I think your dc would just eat them. My ex's sister was hugely over weight as a child then teen. And is still quite an overweight adult. They always had any amount of crisps/ sugary drinks/ chocolate available freely in their house. Ex wasn't as interested in it, he was big into sport. She was more into inside hobbies

Make it about health , not weight and moderation rather than banning. Better teeth/smile(not a smelly mouth), better fitness, better blood sugar levels etc. Remind them that while the effects might not be visible right away , it all adds up and they could have issues later on. “Luckily” , both me and OH have some health issues so I tell DD she already has crap genes that increase risks so no need to help them along. Work with them with what treats/drinks they’d like and find a compromise you can all live with. Ask them what is it about the fizzy drinks they’d liked so much? The fizz? The taste? The fact that they were readily available? Then see if you can work with that i.e. sparkling water , fruit juice , squash etc. Like I said, something you can live with.Can you appease some of their sugar cravings with fruit? DD goes through A LOT of fruit.

DD1 got rather chunky around the age of 10 or 11 and then grew A LOT and became slim again. Now in their 20s, working dull time in a sedentary job and still slim.

DD2, early 20s, has always been skinny and has always been very mindful or careful about what they eat.

I have always talked to my DCs about healthy eating and never weight - or at least not theirs. Due to tremendous stress (domestic abuse, moving house, chronic illness etc) I put on a lot of weight. I am losing it now (30kg or 4.7 stone so far since November!) (What worked for me was following the advice of Zoe (scientific study about healthy eating). My diet was pretty healthy already, or so I thought, except I was gorging on chocolate. I obviously knew I had to cut out that. What I learned from the Zoe study was I that I had to drastically increase vegetables, pulses and nuts, even though I was already eating quite a lot of them. Also olive oil and fermented foods such as kefir, kimchi and sauerkraut. I also learnt that porridge was not good for me because it gave me a massive blood sugar spike - it doesn't do this to everyone. But thinking out it, I did kind of already know because whenever I had it for breakfast, I was always starving by 10am.

Obviously the only way you find out all of this is by taking part yourself but I think you can generalize by saying it is very good for your health to eat more veg, pulses, fish, eggs and lean meat, healthy fats such as olive oil, nuts, seeds and avocado. Also we all need to consume more fermented foods to make our gut microbliomes healthier which in turn leads to many other health benefits.

You can't get a medical professional to lie. They will no doubt be hapoy to talk about how these things affect teeth , but they can't say something is there that isn't. Do your own parenting, or better still say nothing, they're old enough to kniw that this stuff =calories= weight

We had an issue with DS2 at that age. He got quite chubby. The problem was compounded by the fact he'd had ARFID as a baby and young child, so we were encouraged by medics to get him to eat anything at all, and relied on more UPFs than we'd ever have chosen to include, just to get sufficient calories into him. Then his appetite developed.

I focused on everything except mentioning weight. So with the discovered empty sweet bags I'd discuss how sugar rushes can make us emotionally volatile - a bit grumpy or teary and when we crash, we can feel really exhausted, which can ruin a nice evening or stop us from being able to concentrate at school or work. We discussed swapping sugary snacks for ones that keep your blood levels even, and which healthier ones he really liked, that would be a good choice. We gave him small bags of lentil chips or salted popcorn and pieces of fruit.

We discussed what food choices would help build strong muscles and clear skin. So it was less focus what how bad some foods were and more focus on how good others were.

For a slightly different perspective- my parents never had sweets/biscuits/chocolate/ fizzy drinks in the house - or very rarely. We also didn't have access to a shop. I think it's lead me to - scarcity mentality, I cannot leave a shop without stocking up on treats etc - it's almost a bit panic driven. Conversely, my best friend's Mum always had treats in the house & the children managed to self regulate and have a much healthier relationship with food to this day.

Obviously this is anecdotal- but I think there's a bit of truth to it!

Surely we (as a society) are pretty overtly judgemental of fat people and have been for many years now, yet obesity rates and eating disorder ratesare higher than ever. So in my mind, pointing it out and judging it has been proven to be ineffective.

With my teens what helped was the very counter intuitive having more crap at home. It pained me to do but it does seem to have taken the novelty factor away and now they actually choose and look for healthy food options off their own back. We had a Friday night treat night which used to be about chocolate and sweets and is now used to request fruit like strawberries and mango!

I have also found social media has helped a bit in that there are trends for healthier food like matcha, ramen, yoghurt bowls, chia seeds etc etc that they seem to like. This has opened up options of places to eat that are healthy too. They would choose a place that serves yoghurt bowls over MacDonalds all day long.

They do say that adding things in is easier than taking things away so maybe some research into trendy healthy foods you can 'treat' them to might take their attention off the junk.

Yes, and although people think that you can judge exactly what someone else does by the size of their arse, actually you can't, as indicated by the many people on this thread who report being skinny despite eating what they want. It's a strange conflict between appearance, health, and behaviours. Alcoholism is pretty invisible on the person and so people are much less judgemental about the tiresome need to have booze at every interlude that is so prevalent in our country.

Spending money on sugar to fulfil some sort of impulse signifies some other problem though. Teenagers are extremely sensitive to anything they see as criticism so you will have to treat very carefully if you don't want to alienate then and stop them telling you anything.

Before I said anything I would change how I shop, cut right back on the snacks and cook healthy and filling meals.

Get out more on the weekends and evenings so that they’re not sat around bored wanting to snack. It’s bonus exercise too.

Only give them money for sweets on a Friday evening as a treat.

Thank you for the solidarity x

Very true. And as I was an eat-what-I-like type it does mean I feel a bit out of my depth on this.

if I’ve understood correctly they are buying shit because

1. it’s a social activity to bond with peers?
2. they are bored?
3. They have gone mad with their newfound freedom?
4. probably if they have started eating sugar every day they will be craving it
5. they have the spare cash and and not prioritising buying other things

is that right? If so those issues all need addressing in different ways

eg 1&2 could be setting up a pool table and ability to play tunes in your garage (just an example obv, you may not have these facilities but a teen space of some sort could be a winner?)
3 could be giving them more autonomy / control with something else more interesting (decorating their rooms/ planning a family road trip /whatever)
4 interrupt the sugar cycle just by keeping them busy for a few days, and I think it’s so important to have “treat” foods that are healthy. A cheese plate, really beautifully prepared fruit salads, homemade popcorn, nice olives…often it’s about presentation. I thing a sugar day is also a good shout, like you could say you’re concerned about teeth but if they knock the shit in the head you’ll have an elaborate pudding once a week
5 if you can match their savings £ for £, talk to them about what they would want to save for

Have you seen Broccoli Mum on FB, she makes the most amazing sweet treats using plant based natural products. I just wondered if this might be an angle? Today I watched her use bananas, spinach and plant milk (with peppermint essence) to make mint ice-cream! She has loads of great ideas and it's all free content, I was going to try the ice cream myself today.

Is your 16-year-old not concerned about her looks? I have a 15-year-old daughter and she used to be on the plump side when younger but as soon as she hit the teenage years she's been on a health drive to eat super healthy and stay slim. I'm fat and we've always had a lot of crap at home, but my daughter avoids it all and wants to eat healthy. Maybe your teens will soon get into that phase as well.

I feel your pain!

I have 2 daughters, 13 and 9. The 13 year old would eat nothing but junk food if we gave her the chance. It’s all she wants. And she will eat everyone else’s share as well. She has food issues and I think seeks dopamine (likely ND). However, she’s as skinny as a rake - probably because she doesn’t eat much in the way of nutritious foods. The youngest is a different body shape and I would say gains weight more easily, but eats much healthier naturally.

Like you, I noticed a big difference when we moved from a large city to a smaller town. Their friend’s parents take their kids to the shop after school to buy sweets daily. When they have play dates and sleepovers there is always mountains of sweets and snacks involved. It wasn’t like this where we lived before.

It’s a constant struggle - but I have realised that the only place I can have any control over this is in my own home. We talk to them about healthy eating and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. But we don’t have fizzy drinks or sweets or anything like that in the house. They get plenty of that elsewhere.

I live in hope that one day all our messages with get through. After all. I remember eating crap as a teenager and definitely don’t now so there must be a turning point!

Wrong thread?

Whoops! Sorry, I’ve asked for it to be deleted

We’re off out for the day - I can see some interesting posts but have no data where we are so will check in this evening x

This is a valid point about pocket money and uni, but equally I grew up in a house where there were no treats at all and when i went to uni I spent half my loan on crap food as it had been largely forbidden til then. Even as an adult I see sweets and fizzy pop and struggle with self control around it, despite knowing how bad it is for me. I've taken a very different route with my own kids and they're already much more balanced about food than I am. I would think their behaviour largely stems from similar in not being allowed it at home - health, teeth, sharing etc are all fine ways to address the issue in my opinion. Might be worth looking at getting some less sugary treats in maybe. Good luck with it.

Nutritional Therapist here - exercise won’t do a jot for weight if diet isn’t addressed.

The fact is that we all know UPFs/high carb diets cause obesity. My job is working with a GP to treat patients with metabolic syndrome so I deal with the real impact of eating high carb diets every day.

Our youngest type 2 diabetic patient is 11 years old. We have patients in their early thirties with heart disease and high blood pressure. It’s shocking.

You need to speak to them about how our food systems have been highjacked by marketing tactics by big food companies. It’s making us all sick and fat. Then just stop buying the food.

@Gall10
Yes, of course a dog is for life not just weight loss and that wasn’t what I was saying. My point is that having a dog is a great way to increase your exercise in a fun way without making the girls really conscious that they’re doing exercise. Fun, social, bond with a pet and takes the pressure off doing lots of sport in a structured way. Becomes a good healthy habit with the added joy of having the emotional benefits of a pet.

When I was a teenager, I piled on weight - and wish my parents had the time/thought/energy/resources to approach this as thoughtfully as you. Personally, I'd ignore the "it'll sort itself out, advice". I really wish I'd had some help in my teens (from anyone!) as I hated the weight I was and my awful relationship with food, but it took me till my late twenties to figure it out myself. Some things that helped (some of which you're already doing):

• Finding exercise that was enjoyable and making moving a regular thing. Would they be motivated by something like a Fitbit and everyone in the family join in with increasing movement?
• Never having healthy food restricted, e.g., instead, being encouraged to have multiple portions of dinner, being offered a healthy snack, etc etc. My parents were so concerned about my weight that food was talked about ALL THE TIME negatively and it was all about trying to have as little as possible, instead of trying to fuel up on the good stuff (also learning about food and how the food stuff helps helped me)
• Being helped to look as nice as possible at the weight I was. I thought it was impossible to look nice unless you were a size 8 etc. My self esteem was awful and food made me feel better, etc etc
• Teeth being talked about in the context of sugar.
• Never being told "you'll get fat" etc etc as if it was a bad thing.
• Being taught about marketing of food and how it's designed to be addictive. I imagine they have phones - I just downloaded the Yuka app and have been blown away by the info on some foods! We talk about how some edible stuff isn't food, it's just fun stuff to eat - like crisps. I.e. they don't actually fill you up so they're not actually worth eating as a snack if you're hungry, but they are fun to eat. Better to eat a real snack and have a glass of water first and then have some crisps if you still really fancy the.
• Enjoying sweet things guilt free as a family! My family were (and still are to some extent) so weird about enjoying sweet stuff. I try and be so careful with my daughters just to fully tuck into some chocolate/cake/ice cream etc and only talk about how delicious it is. I find homemade stuff leads me / them to naturally stop a bit earlier but I definitely will eat a bit of chocolate etc just to normalise it all

Try not to panic and definitely make a plan with your DH so you're on the same page. Small, positive changes and definitely don't go extremely and give them hang ups about their weight.