Really at a loss

[Crazymumto1]

This is my first thread so please bear with me, I have been a long time lurker, I had one Ds who has started an independent pre school. Yesterday we were told they had some concerns about autistic traits he has. We were told he doesn’t speak there to them and say what he wants but he does at home.
He will tell us what he wants at home such as “daddy get juice”, he asks for playdoh, crayons, colours etc. When we are at home he will tell us he wants fish or pizza or chocolate or ice cream etc. They are saying he doesn’t look at them or respond to his name however at home he does, he will give really good eye contact never not give it.
He does sometimes ignore us if he wants. I am really worrying has anyone had experience of this and if so what did you do?

It wasn’t actually them who bought it up it was the finance manager and then I asked to speak, the main teacher told me today he has started responding to his name which tbh was a huge relief, the way they describe him is like a different boy, they are very good in terms of support etc
i hve seen the facilities and all the reviews I have seen are fab, whenever I have spoken to the main teacher she has said he has made improvements. He was very upset when I dropped him off however he was a lot worse before, she told me that he will be fine and she has seen this before they need to see if he needs a new strategy

She did tell me to stop worrying and she did see him today speak and point when with me and she said he just doesn’t do that in the pre school, they are not academically focused they focus on the whole child which I wanted when I looked for somewhere for DS, she did say it may be him settling in and he has started exploring more options to play and she said he is very academic, without sounding like a pushy mum who thinks the sun shines out of his backside, he is very academic

I had exactly the same reaction as @DrRuthGalloway with regards to the nursery. They should know it's too soon to be making any judgements about this sort of thing. Two weeks of half days with a two week holiday in the middle! It's no time at all. He's still settling in.

The nursery should be used to this settling in period and be able to support him to get used to the routines. They should also be able to appropriately refer you on if they eventually do think he needs additional support. It's not helpful or good practice for them to just verbally feedback to you that they think he might be autistic and leave it up to you to investigate.

Tbh it wasn’t the teachers it was the finance manager who decided to tell me, when I spoke to the actual teacher she said they think it’s too early which tbh did annoy me somewhat, I did explain he isn’t that the type who takes time to settle and he has met all his milestones, and has started saying little sentences

Sorry typo it should say he is the type to take time to settle in, he took three months to open up to the football coaches at his club

He is incredibly close to me and his dad, we are very fortunate that he has had us both at home from birth and never been in childcare really because ultimately we didn’t need it, he has stayed with my siblings and they all agree he is completely fine and asks what he wants and is loving and funny, they don’t believe he is on the spectrum at all

I can understand your concern, OP, but this is all too heavy (on the part of the school, too). He is a small child who has had two parents at home and has spent a lot of time in an abnormal situation (Covid, lockdowns etc) where he hasn't had chance to develop social confidence in the way he would have done if the outside world had been 'normal'.

Of course he's scared and unhappy and doesn't want to be at pre-school. He wants to be at home with the people whom he loves and who love him. Home is his safety and familiarity - in spades, given the crucial months he spent in lockdown. Repetitive behaviours and so on can be indicative of additional needs; they can also be a completely neurotypical reaction to a very stressful and upsetting situation.

It sounds as if he just needs kindness and time rather than diagnoses and confidence coaching. The school ought to be able to recognise this as a possibility at the very least.

Thank you for taking the time to reply
The main pre schooler teacher did say that it was far too early and tbh I think the finance manager tends to speak before thinking, he doesn’t do the repetitive play anymore and tbh I’ve never seen that at home. My DH doesn’t think he is on the spectrum at all, he just thinks he is not confident and tbh he’s one of the youngest there, at home he is very very loved and we absolutely try to get him to engage etc
my sisters who keep him also don’t think he is either and say that he needs time to build his confidence

He hasn't been there long at all. They need to give him time to settle.
If you have no concerns when he's at home op I wouldn't worry right now.
Keep an eye at how he's getting on nursery but I think he just needs to settle and find his feet.
The nursery worker is jumping a massive gun saying this to you so early on.

Thanks yeah the nursery worker did say it’s too early
he’s never had a structure so to speak so adjusting is going to be difficult and it will take him time to adjust
she did say he now has started responding to his name and he does say mummy daddy etc
but I know He can say little sentences now
Tbh the finance manager annoys me, why worry a parent? I spent all night awake and this morning crying when I had to leave him

Could it be selective mutism?
If indeed it's anything at all because he's very young & perhaps might not feel comfortable at nursery yet.

I was thinking that but he does speak sometimes

The finance manager? What does it have to do with them? Outrageous that they should speak to parents on pastoral or behavioural matters. They should not even be involved.

I did think that also

He doesn’t have meltdowns either he just gets upset and cries which last time I checked was completely normal

My dd has a best friend who is selectively mute. She started out not talking at school at all (but talks at home), then she'd speak to the teacher & a couple of kids. They're older now & she still will only speak to my daughter & a few other kids in the class.
She spoke to me when she was with her mum, but she won't speak to me when I have her over for a playdate.
So possibly does your son only speak with one teacher at school or something maybe? Worth thinking about.

Thanks I am gonna keep a close eye on him and I will be catching up with the nursery teacher every session

Best of luck, I think go with your gut on it x

Thank you my guts tellibg me he’s absolutely fine and currently plying with both his cousins and getting really involved

Sorry, not rtft but might it be worth getting his hearing checked? Maybe he doesn't always hear his name in a noisier environment? That would be my first thought rather than jumping to autism!

Thanks I think we will do if we don’t see any improvement.
can I say a huge thanks to everyone for putting me at ease and calming me down as I was an absolute emotional wreck this morning
thank you to everyone who has taken time it honestly means a lot

Not rttwt but- he lines up the you ducks therefore he has autism?!?

I don't think he is happy here at all, it's not a good fit

Toy ducks

She did say the main one that he has stopped that and now he explores a lot more

@DrRuthGalloway

Almost his whole life has been in lockdowns so he hasn't had the same opportunities for socialisation as children his age pre covid, or children his age who attended a setting as keyworker children, for example. On top of that he has been 2 weeks in this setting. 2 weeks!

this really isn’t true though, my son is the same age and that age was only really locked down from mid March- July.