Really at a loss

[Crazymumto1]

This is my first thread so please bear with me, I have been a long time lurker, I had one Ds who has started an independent pre school. Yesterday we were told they had some concerns about autistic traits he has. We were told he doesn’t speak there to them and say what he wants but he does at home.
He will tell us what he wants at home such as “daddy get juice”, he asks for playdoh, crayons, colours etc. When we are at home he will tell us he wants fish or pizza or chocolate or ice cream etc. They are saying he doesn’t look at them or respond to his name however at home he does, he will give really good eye contact never not give it.
He does sometimes ignore us if he wants. I am really worrying has anyone had experience of this and if so what did you do?

He’s 3 years 2 months, he will speak when he wants just not his wants and needs, but he does at home sorry if I am repeating myself but my mind is fried

How old? It is not for them to diagnose. Has he seen your hv recently? Is the independent school inclusive or could they be looking to manage him out before Reception. Does it take Early Years funding?

They do take funding, he goes to toddler groups before going there and he took a long time to open up he also attends little kickers and he took a long time opening up there. We are absolutely devastated as he is our only and just don’t understand at all, they say he struggles with an open cup too but at home he doesn’t, he asks my sisters whatever he wants at home and will go and get it, I’ve looked at the traits I just can’t see it and I thought long and hard his speech is slowly getting there but even our cleaner, hairdresser etc say he has really good eye contact. When we last saw the hv they had no concerns at all, he didn’t even score anything on the test at 2 years old.

Try not to take it to heart, he is still your same little boy. What are the school suggesting? Tell them he is ok at home but you are happy to review if he has not opened up by September. It seems premature to react if he has only been there a few weeks but be open minded and observant to any quirks or behaviours.

He still cries going in, however it has got better than how it started, they say he has improved he will sit on the carpet but he doesn’t actively join in with discussing things but will sit and take part , they had Spanish and he named all the fruits in English. He isn’t fussy with food there and they say he has some repetitive behaviours

If it was autism, would it present itself like this? That he only behaved this way at nursery?

OP, does he absolutely have to go to pre-school?

No, it wouldn't, on the whole. I knew one of mine had AS from very early on, and they didn't go to nursery.

Try not to worry. Even if he has some autistic traits, this doesn't define him. He is still the same boy. And the school might be wrong - they are not experts in diagnosis. Maybe he's just withdrawn as he's still finding his feet.

My son is now 15 and was diagnosed with autism at 5. I remember the shock and fear when I first began to suspect it (about age 3). But he's an adorable boy and is really thriving at the moment - I wish I had been able to believe that at the time and stop worrying!

Could you view this as a good opportunity to work with the school? It's great that they are noticing things he might find tricky but perhaps they have expressed it in a way that feels judgemental rather than supportive. Can you ask them what they can do to help him develop some of these skills?

In short, my advice from further down the line - try not to worry - every child develops at different rates; get help if you need it; and just enjoy your little one

He does need to attend as I have a illness and struggle doing things with him, would he make eye contact at home and not at school?

i have just spoken to them again and she stated that he has some repetitive behaviours such as lining up the ducks to put in the water bath. But we don’t see any of this at home

i have just spoken to them again and she stated that he has some repetitive behaviours such as lining up the ducks to put in the water bath. But we don’t see any of this at home

He also is potty trained but won’t tell us when he needs to go but doesn’t have accidents

We have spoken to them and she said we will see how he gets on, he has never been in this type of environment and it was very hard leaving him there when he was visibly upset

I think you need to talk to your HV visitor and get her to do the M-CHAT again (assuming that’s what she did at 2). As others have said, nursery aren’t qualified to diagnose but it’s no harm looking into it.

My three year old is very similar - takes a long time to warm up, doesn’t speak if he’s not comfortable, etc. He had a speech delay and I was v worried about ASD but he had speech therapy and his speech came on lots and he’s really opened up in nursery. So I think it’s just personality.

And don’t forget that three year olds right now have spent two thirds of their lives in a pandemic. My three year old DS’s toddler experience was nothing like my older DD’s, which was super sociable, always at groups etc. So I think it’s inevitable that they may be a bit delayed in some ways.

But either way, getting a professional involved is the way for you to get clarity.

I think you need to talk to your HV visitor and get her to do the M-CHAT again (assuming that’s what she did at 2). As others have said, nursery aren’t qualified to diagnose but it’s no harm looking into it.

My three year old is very similar - takes a long time to warm up, doesn’t speak if he’s not comfortable, etc. He had a speech delay and I was v worried about ASD but he had speech therapy and his speech came on lots and he’s really opened up in nursery. So I think it’s just personality.

And don’t forget that three year olds right now have spent two thirds of their lives in a pandemic. My three year old DS’s toddler experience was nothing like my older DD’s, which was super sociable, always at groups etc. So I think it’s inevitable that they may be a bit delayed in some ways.

But either way, getting a professional involved is the way for you to get clarity.

I think you need to talk to your HV visitor and get her to do the M-CHAT again (assuming that’s what she did at 2). As others have said, nursery aren’t qualified to diagnose but it’s no harm looking into it.

My three year old is very similar - takes a long time to warm up, doesn’t speak if he’s not comfortable, etc. He had a speech delay and I was v worried about ASD but he had speech therapy and his speech came on lots and he’s really opened up in nursery. So I think it’s just personality.

And don’t forget that three year olds right now have spent two thirds of their lives in a pandemic. My three year old DS’s toddler experience was nothing like my older DD’s, which was super sociable, always at groups etc. So I think it’s inevitable that they may be a bit delayed in some ways.

But either way, getting a professional involved is the way for you to get clarity.

Can he be fine at home and not at school? Would he not avoid eye contact everywhere?

Can he be fine at home and not at school? Would he not avoid eye contact everywhere?

Can he be fine at home and not at school? Would he not avoid eye contact everywhere?

My eldest DS had some traits at pre school which were brought up at our parent/teacher meeting. Autism was not mentioned at this point though. They said he was well behaved, but completely fixated on playing with the cars and blocks. They struggled to get him to participate in other activities and said that he tended to play alone. He was also loud! But apparently he was very apologetic when this was pointed out His pencil grip was referred to as 'unusual', something he continued to struggle with for the first two years of primary school.

When he was in P1 (am in NI, so Reception in England), autism was mentioned in the context of him not playing with other children. The teacher said he played alongside them (quite happily) but didn't join in. There were other behaviours such as singing/humming in class, fidgeting and doodling. In all honesty, I didn't recognise this behaviour as he played well with his cousins and my friends' children and didn't seem particularly fidgety etc. He was doing really well at school and, as he got older, was able to articulate that he needed to fidget/doodle to make his brain work!He is now awaiting autism assessment, having been through ADHD assessment and found not to have it. The ADHD consultant observed autistic traits such as subtle stimming and very precise use of language (I'm summarising wildly here!) during the appointment and recommended him for autism assessment.

So, while I believe that autism is generally observable in all settings, including home, school and clubs, I think that in some cases it may be less noticeable at home because this is the child's safe space where they feel comfortable. I am not suggesting for one moment that other children don't feel safe at home, more that it's different for different children, like so many things in life. And autism does not manifest itself in the same way with everyone, despite all the stereotypes we are subjected to day and daily by misinformed people. I understand my child better now because he is able to tell me how outside stimuli affect him. He has never had meltdowns for example. But I now know, for example, when he goes somewhere quiet and curls up in a ball, he isn't just tired. He is decompressing from all the noise and chatter of the day.

My eldest DS had some traits at pre school which were brought up at our parent/teacher meeting. Autism was not mentioned at this point though. They said he was well behaved, but completely fixated on playing with the cars and blocks. They struggled to get him to participate in other activities and said that he tended to play alone. He was also loud! But apparently he was very apologetic when this was pointed out His pencil grip was referred to as 'unusual', something he continued to struggle with for the first two years of primary school.

When he was in P1 (am in NI, so Reception in England), autism was mentioned in the context of him not playing with other children. The teacher said he played alongside them (quite happily) but didn't join in. There were other behaviours such as singing/humming in class, fidgeting and doodling. In all honesty, I didn't recognise this behaviour as he played well with his cousins and my friends' children and didn't seem particularly fidgety etc. He was doing really well at school and, as he got older, was able to articulate that he needed to fidget/doodle to make his brain work!He is now awaiting autism assessment, having been through ADHD assessment and found not to have it. The ADHD consultant observed autistic traits such as subtle stimming and very precise use of language (I'm summarising wildly here!) during the appointment and recommended him for autism assessment.

So, while I believe that autism is generally observable in all settings, including home, school and clubs, I think that in some cases it may be less noticeable at home because this is the child's safe space where they feel comfortable. I am not suggesting for one moment that other children don't feel safe at home, more that it's different for different children, like so many things in life. And autism does not manifest itself in the same way with everyone, despite all the stereotypes we are subjected to day and daily by misinformed people. I understand my child better now because he is able to tell me how outside stimuli affect him. He has never had meltdowns for example. But I now know, for example, when he goes somewhere quiet and curls up in a ball, he isn't just tired. He is decompressing from all the noise and chatter of the day.

My eldest DS had some traits at pre school which were brought up at our parent/teacher meeting. Autism was not mentioned at this point though. They said he was well behaved, but completely fixated on playing with the cars and blocks. They struggled to get him to participate in other activities and said that he tended to play alone. He was also loud! But apparently he was very apologetic when this was pointed out His pencil grip was referred to as 'unusual', something he continued to struggle with for the first two years of primary school.

When he was in P1 (am in NI, so Reception in England), autism was mentioned in the context of him not playing with other children. The teacher said he played alongside them (quite happily) but didn't join in. There were other behaviours such as singing/humming in class, fidgeting and doodling. In all honesty, I didn't recognise this behaviour as he played well with his cousins and my friends' children and didn't seem particularly fidgety etc. He was doing really well at school and, as he got older, was able to articulate that he needed to fidget/doodle to make his brain work!He is now awaiting autism assessment, having been through ADHD assessment and found not to have it. The ADHD consultant observed autistic traits such as subtle stimming and very precise use of language (I'm summarising wildly here!) during the appointment and recommended him for autism assessment.

So, while I believe that autism is generally observable in all settings, including home, school and clubs, I think that in some cases it may be less noticeable at home because this is the child's safe space where they feel comfortable. I am not suggesting for one moment that other children don't feel safe at home, more that it's different for different children, like so many things in life. And autism does not manifest itself in the same way with everyone, despite all the stereotypes we are subjected to day and daily by misinformed people. I understand my child better now because he is able to tell me how outside stimuli affect him. He has never had meltdowns for example. But I now know, for example, when he goes somewhere quiet and curls up in a ball, he isn't just tired. He is decompressing from all the noise and chatter of the day.

My eldest DS had some traits at pre school which were brought up at our parent/teacher meeting. Autism was not mentioned at this point though. They said he was well behaved, but completely fixated on playing with the cars and blocks. They struggled to get him to participate in other activities and said that he tended to play alone. He was also loud! But apparently he was very apologetic when this was pointed out His pencil grip was referred to as 'unusual', something he continued to struggle with for the first two years of primary school.

When he was in P1 (am in NI, so Reception in England), autism was mentioned in the context of him not playing with other children. The teacher said he played alongside them (quite happily) but didn't join in. There were other behaviours such as singing/humming in class, fidgeting and doodling. In all honesty, I didn't recognise this behaviour as he played well with his cousins and my friends' children and didn't seem particularly fidgety etc. He was doing really well at school and, as he got older, was able to articulate that he needed to fidget/doodle to make his brain work!He is now awaiting autism assessment, having been through ADHD assessment and found not to have it. The ADHD consultant observed autistic traits such as subtle stimming and very precise use of language (I'm summarising wildly here!) during the appointment and recommended him for autism assessment.

So, while I believe that autism is generally observable in all settings, including home, school and clubs, I think that in some cases it may be less noticeable at home because this is the child's safe space where they feel comfortable. I am not suggesting for one moment that other children don't feel safe at home, more that it's different for different children, like so many things in life. And autism does not manifest itself in the same way with everyone, despite all the stereotypes we are subjected to day and daily by misinformed people. I understand my child better now because he is able to tell me how outside stimuli affect him. He has never had meltdowns for example. But I now know, for example, when he goes somewhere quiet and curls up in a ball, he isn't just tired. He is decompressing from all the noise and chatter of the day.