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Original poster

Should I get vaccines done without his knowledge?

112 replies

Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:12

My dd was born just before lockdown. Her dad is an anti vaxxer in the extreme sense. He thinks that vaccines are designed to reduce the world population 🙄

I think dd should have her vaccinations. She's now 20 months old. We don't live together so I could get it done without him knowing.

My questions are;

How to avoid lumps at the site of the injection? If he see this when she's with him there is a chance he wouldn't bring her home to me after contact.

Will the GP do them this late?

If you're going to make nasty comments about why I've allowed him to do this then please scroll on by... I'm autistic, easily manipulated and he is a very controlling person. He phoned up Sky and got them to uninstall our Sky Q because he says it causes brain cancer and it's now going to cost me £100 to get it back.

OP posts:
Authenticcelestialmusic · 01/09/2021 09:31

Slightly off the main topic but how did he cancel sky at your house? If he impersonated you on the phone to sky it is worth looking into the legality of this, you may need evidence at a later date. If sky cancelled and didn’t do the correct Gdpr checks then surely they cannot charge you to reinstall?

The fact he is checking for any little mark on her makes me wonder if he is building a case.

I think you should speak to the GP so you have details on record about his abusive behaviour.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:33

You need legal advice OP.

From the NHS: “Although the consent of one person with parental responsibility for a child is usually sufficient (see Section 2(7) of the Children Act 1989), if one parent agrees to immunisation but the other disagrees, the immunisation should not be carried out unless both parents can agree to immunisation or there is a specific court approval that the immunisation is in the best interests of the child.” Source: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/994850/PHE_Greenbook_of_immunisation_chapter_2_consent_18_June21.pdf

Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:33

The fact he is checking for any little mark on her makes me wonder if he is building a case.

I don't think so. This is just what he's like and he was the same when we were together too.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/09/2021 09:34

Write out a list of all the vaccinations and ask him which ones he would be ok with, or if he needs to do some further research on each of them. They are all different so just saying a blanket no to all of them is unfair, surely you could meet in the middle?

Please don't do this. It doesn't sound like he will agree, and how would you decide which vaccines to choose? Yes to Polio but no to MMR? It makes no sense.

You either have to have her vaccinated without telling him, or be prepared to go to court over it. Presumably as he has PR he can ask to see her medical records at any time so I would not try to do it covertly.

Please talk to someone about this. I know you say you spoke to Womens Aid and they weren't helpful, but could you speak to your HV?

clarepetal · 01/09/2021 09:35

My partner was also activax and didn't want our son vaccinated. I still don't really understand his reasoning but I ignored him and did it anyway.
He was furious, but my argument is he'd be more cross of our son got ill from smallpox etc.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:35

And you need it about more than the vaccinations. I think somebody needs to be considering whether he is a safe cater for your child.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:36

Carer*

SheWoreYellow · 01/09/2021 09:38

I agree, if you can book them for just after he’s seen her then he’ll never know.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:42

I think somebody needs to be considering whether he is a safe cater for your child.

I've asked about this before on here and most people seemed to be of the opinion that withholding contact would be seen as unreasonable on my part by courts and that courts don't think a carer is a danger just because they're a paranoid conspiracy nut.

What I will say is that however misguided / batshit he is, he does love her in his own way. She always comes home from his house happy and asks to go again.

However, im sure that as she gets older he will be arguing with her when she expresses her own opinions.

OP posts:
Littlemissmagnet · 01/09/2021 09:43

@clarepetal

My partner was also activax and didn't want our son vaccinated. I still don't really understand his reasoning but I ignored him and did it anyway. He was furious, but my argument is he'd be more cross of our son got ill from smallpox etc.
Yes to this! OP Your responsibility is to your child not him or keeping him happy!

Speak to your GP about the vaccines. OP your ex obviously has some undiagnosed mental health problem from all of other posts you have written no amount of reason will make him change his mind. Speak to GP tell them the suitation ALL of it. Good luck OP

pianolessons1 · 01/09/2021 09:43

Is he on the birth certificate?

Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:48

@pianolessons1

Is he on the birth certificate?
Yes
OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:49

I really do think you should get some legal advice OP, even if the contact with him appears positive. If he finds out you have had her vaccinated (and there is every chance he would, if she falls ill in his care at any point in the future and he seeks medical attention that may well check) what do you think he would do? Is he likely to refuse to return her? Given you would be in breach of the NHS guidance this would potentially put him in a stronger position than you if it became a legal dispute over custody. And she is only 20 months, there are many, many potential battles ahead with him. The more he forces you into having to be underhanded, the more difficult things may become.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:49

He's never put anything in writing to say that he doesn't consent to the vaccines to me or to her GP. If he knew I was going to get it done he would though!

OP posts:
dworky · 01/09/2021 09:50

@Itsnotover

He has also said that if she needs the vaccines to go to nursery she won't ever go to school and will be home schooled (by him I should imagine - no way)
He lives only an hour away but chooses to see her only once a week, he's never going to give up the time & effort required to homeschool! Stop believing his controlling BS.
Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:51

I don't think a court would give her to him, I really don't. He's 52 with health problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 01/09/2021 09:55

I am not keen to go to court.

The reason why is that from what I've heard from other women, judges often side with the father and are misogynistic and if the two of you can't agree, you get another decision made by a third party which can make life difficult for both parents.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:56

@Itsnotover

I don't think a court would give her to him, I really don't. He's 52 with health problems.
It’s not just about custody, it’s about every other decision relating to your daughter. A formal arrangement would be helpful to you, I think. Especially if he is as deep into the world of conspiracy theories as you say.
Lindy2 · 01/09/2021 09:56

Just go and get them done a week before she goes to stay with him.

It will be you caring for a potentially very ill child if she catches an illness she isn't vaccinated against. Viruses like measles can lead to long term, serious complications which is why vaccines are available. Would he step up if you were caring for a disabled child or would he run a mile leaving it all to you.

You're her mum. Protect her from him.

purplesequins · 01/09/2021 09:57

speak to your gp.
it's not unusual to have to catch up on vaccines.
ime redness at injection site goes away quickly and is not visible a day after.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 01/09/2021 09:58

If the GP gets wind that your ex doesn’t consent, you’re likely to have to go to court for a specific issues order anyway (or him for a prohibited steps order if he finds out you intend to vaccinate and wants to stop you). Alternatively you say nothing and have her vaccinated but need to be prepared for whatever shit he might pull in retaliation.

00100001 · 01/09/2021 10:01

"Huh? Oh believe me he'd have her more than that if he could. But he lives over an hour away."

Funny that he hasn't moved to be closer to his daughter.

Bells3032 · 01/09/2021 10:01

If he has her one night a week then arrange them for the day after he has her so. all marks etc should have gone within a week. and yes GPs will 100% do them late. they will work with you to arrange a new vaccine schedule for you. 100% get her vaccinated and don't tell him

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 01/09/2021 10:01

You need legal advice.

It’s not going to be a one off, you will have many more battles like this in the future, so it’s best to have it sorted out by the courts.

Nomorescreentime · 01/09/2021 10:04

Personally I would quietly get her vaccinated and never mention it. If it's not in writing that he doesn't want her to get vaccinated you can just deny you were aware of his wishes if he ever does find out and try anything. "Lose" her red book so he never sees the record unless he asks the GP.

For any other parenting issue I wouldn't suggest this, but vaccinations are so vitally important for your daughter's health.

If he's got health issues, lives an hour away and sees her once a week, I would hedge my bets that contact will reduce as she gets older anyway.

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