Our middle child passed away

[SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness]

She would have been three last weekend but she died at the end of January. Instead of celebrating her birthday she was cremated the day before.

I cry on and off. I can act normal. I can smile and laugh and play for our two children 5 year old and a 9 month old. I miss her so much and it still doesn’t feel real.

I have so many questions.
Is our 5 year old okay? Will it hit him in a couple years when he can understand more? Will he remember her? Does he miss her? Will he want to talk about her? Is my crying affecting the 9 month old? Am I playing with him like before? Am I putting enough effort into him? Will I be a completely different parent? Will I just forever be pretending to be happy? Will the answers the doctors have be enough to stop me wondering and going over and over it in my head? Will I learn enough to answer any questions my children will have in the future? Will this take over our lives? How do I stop waiting for her to come back? What can I do to remember her that will be happy and not sad? What traditions won’t feel like a reminder that she’ll always be gone?

We’ve been referred for family counselling. We haven’t heard anything back from the post mortem yet, we know why she died she had a huge malignant sarcoma in her chest crushing everything, she only showed symptoms a week into January and then was dead at the end of it. She spent 5 days in hospital and was kept asleep for all but her first day. We have more questions we hope the post mortem can answer like what cancer was it why did it grow so fast etc etc. We also have a meeting with the hospital at some point

I’m just so sad, so so sad I don’t think I can even describe how I truly feel

How do you get through the bad days?

I have no answers OP, but I didn't want to just read and run. I cannot imagine what you’re going through. As a mother of 3 similar age children, I hope you get the professional support you need. Hope things get easier. Hugs

Sending you so so much love and good wishes

No words will take your pain away

I am so sorry xxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry that you've experienced all of that in such a short space of time, too. I'm sure your brain will be trying to catch up with all that has happened and make sense of it.

I hope you get the answers you need and that they come quickly. I am so sorry that you've had to go through this.

If you want to tell us about your DD, please feel free.

I am so sorry. I can imagine your pain and heartbreak, it must be suffocating. I wish for your pain to ease. What a terrible thing that has happened to you all.

Oh OP your post made me cry - so sorry for the loss of your DD. Is it too soon or would you like to post about her? It’s different but a friend of mine lost her husband young & I remember at the beginning especially she was asking lots of questions, trying to get her head around it. They had time to prepare for his death though & for your family, it all happened suddenly & so quickly which would add to the shock & grief. Hopefully you won’t have to wait too long for counselling & for the results of your DD’s post mortem 💐💐💐

I'm so sorry OP. 💐 Just take things one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. Accept help when it's offered and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

This is just unbelievably sad and cruel. I am so sorry. I really think you should do whatever you need to do to get through the days just for now. If that means crying, that's what you need to do.

Sending you much love.

For your 5 year old I’d recommend getting a specialist child play therapist.

I'm so sorry. What a horrific time for you all. Heartbreaking.

My twin sister died when I was young. My experience is that I loved hearing my parents talk about Elizabeth. Her name is spoken with love and my mum did sometimes cry and she’d be honest and say “I’m feeling sad because I miss Elizabeth, but I’m okay.”

i think it’s important she showed me it’s okay to feel sad but reassure me that despite the tears, she was okay.

most importantly, look after yourself. It sounds selfish, but if you focus on everyone else you miss the grieving process to get you to the step of living with the loss where it’s always there but it’s hurts less. Finally, grief comes in waves. A song, a moment, a smell… it can all bring it back unexpectedly. And that’s normal.

I'm so so sorry op i have similar aged children and your post has brought me to tears. I echo what everyone else has said, I wish I could give you a virtual hug x

I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I am 7 years on from losing my son. Life is never the same but you slowly learn to live with the pain. IME the surviving siblings can find themselves on the periphery a bit as everyone's sympathy and support tends to be directed to the parents.
Counselling and support through school could be helpful.
I found the best understanding and support came from other bereaved parents and families. I think there is a sarcoma charity that might offer support, or something like Compassionate Friends. The bereavement board on Mumsnet was what got me through the early months and years. There are so many of us on there.

Oh bless you @SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness i am so so sorry for your loss.
A friend of mine experienced a similar loss- scarily so. All I can say now is that I know she hasn’t ever “gotten over” the loss but her world has continued and her children are wonderful. Her son was also 5 and he is now 11 and a kind, caring, can be grouchy normal wee boy. He talks about his sister and has helped raise money in her name and can get upset at times and isn’t ashamed of this. It has not defined him or ruined his life.
The little one was actually born after the death of their 2 year old. He is adorable and knows her name and recognises her photo. She is a part of their holidays and celebrations but not overbearingly so.
I know fundraising and being involved with https://www.gkcct.org/ has helped them. They wanted to raise awareness of childhood cancers and early signs etc.
This is your journey though and it may be different but I hope it can give you some reassurance that although this will shape your family it won’t ruin it and your little middle child will be able to remain a part of the family forever.

I have no experience but I want to say how sorry I am xx

I’m so sorry for your loss, sending much love.

I'm so terribly sorry to hear this
Winston's wish do some amazing work for siblings

No words but I am so sorry. Really sad to see this post I cannot imagine what you are experiencing. The love you have for your daughter is beautiful I just am so sorry. Sending you all the love and hugs I can. Please be kind to yourself. X

I've no words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I hear you and I am so very sorry

No words of advice, but I wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss xxx

Nothing anyone can say will lessen your pain. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Sending so much love to you. ♥️

So very sorry OP, there are no words. Obviously cannot be compared to losing a child (I have a 5-year-old and a two-year-old) but we lost my MIL in quite similarly shocking circumstances - four days from the detection of the cancer to her dying.

It absolutely hits you like a sledgehammer, there is absolutely no way to mentally prepare yourself for someone so beloved being there one day and gone the next. We are almost three years on and all I can say is the cliche of giving it time. You won't ever heal, your life will never be the same and there is nothing anyone can say or do to alter that, but you somehow learn to live around it and the utter reeling sensation eventually dissipates.

Sending you so much love.

I can't begin to tell you how sorry i am for your loss OP. I've no advice or answers but i desperately hope you get some soon.
Hugs to you all 💐

I'm so terribly sorry this happened to your family.

Couldn't read and not say how sorry I am for you.

I do have some professional insight as I've worked in both counselling services and churches so have had a lot of contact alas with bereaved families. As far as your 5 year old, they do tend to drift in and out of grief, compartmentizing their life in a way we adults can't, just be there for them but don't be alarmed if they seem to cope fine, then go through sad periods. The 9 month old will be fine, just make sure you meet their basic needs, lots of love and do turn to friends for support, perhaps take them out for a bit so you can take the time you need for yourself and they get some air (happy families at the park, soft play etc will be so difficult, let others take them).

Do turn to your community, guide others as to how they can help

As particularly difficult dates come up talk to other bereaved people to see how they dealt with them, everyone is different, no right or wrong.

Take care of yourself, give yourself space and time, you are not alone, reach out- Mumsnet overnight has an amazing group of (insomniac I guess) women who are there for you too

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now but it must be awful

Sending love from a far.