Our middle child passed away

[SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness]

She would have been three last weekend but she died at the end of January. Instead of celebrating her birthday she was cremated the day before.

I cry on and off. I can act normal. I can smile and laugh and play for our two children 5 year old and a 9 month old. I miss her so much and it still doesn’t feel real.

I have so many questions.
Is our 5 year old okay? Will it hit him in a couple years when he can understand more? Will he remember her? Does he miss her? Will he want to talk about her? Is my crying affecting the 9 month old? Am I playing with him like before? Am I putting enough effort into him? Will I be a completely different parent? Will I just forever be pretending to be happy? Will the answers the doctors have be enough to stop me wondering and going over and over it in my head? Will I learn enough to answer any questions my children will have in the future? Will this take over our lives? How do I stop waiting for her to come back? What can I do to remember her that will be happy and not sad? What traditions won’t feel like a reminder that she’ll always be gone?

We’ve been referred for family counselling. We haven’t heard anything back from the post mortem yet, we know why she died she had a huge malignant sarcoma in her chest crushing everything, she only showed symptoms a week into January and then was dead at the end of it. She spent 5 days in hospital and was kept asleep for all but her first day. We have more questions we hope the post mortem can answer like what cancer was it why did it grow so fast etc etc. We also have a meeting with the hospital at some point

I’m just so sad, so so sad I don’t think I can even describe how I truly feel

How do you get through the bad days?

I'm so sorry op.

For your questions - your 5 year old is very likely to remember your almost three year old especially if you make the effort to keep memories alive perhaps with a photo album they look through regularly and talking about her and memories they have every day. I remember conversations and lessons I had during my reception year at school when I must have been 4.

Your 9 month old will be ok with you crying. Many many (most?) mums cry very often from the usual baby blues or tiredness of overwhelm . Crying will release some of your stress and provide you with some comfort which will make you more able to play and smile at other times in the day. That you have wondered if you're 'playing' enough and making the effort to do so shows that you are going to be a mum who ensures your baby gets that positive interaction. You would know if your baby wasn't ok.

I am so so sorry. I hate how cruel life can be. Your daughter sounds like she was a real character who embraced life to the full. It's truly heartbreaking but I hope you are getting through the days and finding joy where you can. I'm so sorry.

I agree xx

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You’re showing such strength and courage in a situation that is so unimaginably awful. You sound like an incredible mum and I hope you’re managing to be kind to yourself.

sending you and your family nothing but love and hope that you’re finding things that give you some comfort. Your children are very lucky to have you.

There are no words
All I can say is l, many years ago, in my late twenties I had a really good friend who was my age

I ended being very close to her elder brother- some several years older.
Turns out when the brother was 5 his middle sister had died - she had been 3.
They were the most lovely people I'd ever known.
My friend had a daughter who was given the middle name of sister/ aunt , and now all grown up is the spitting image of the sister / aunt. Time heals.

I have no words op, I am so sorry. Please talk here if you need to, we will listen

Sorry for you loss

this book is currently helping me deal with grief.
She gets it and it’s comforting

https://www.fantasticfiction.com/m/clare-mackintosh/i-promise-it-wont-always-hurt-like-this.htm

So sorry to hear about your loss. This made me cry so much. Sending you all my love

I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your beloved daughter. She sounds such a joyous little girl. I hope you and your family can find some comfort and strength in each other and eventually in those most precious memories. X

So sorry for your loss. I was 12 years old when I lost my younger brother to cancer, he was 6 years younger than me. I often think of him even after 42 years. When I go home to my mom, we always look at the photograph when we were young and we go visit his grave.

I'm so so sorry.
All I can offer is that a new normal will emerge eventually.
I don't think I have ever come to terms with our sudden and untimely loss.
Just keep going, and know that you are not alone.

Quick update

We have our now 6 year old back. He is back to his usual lovely, sometimes grumpy, car obsessed, demanding self and we are so thankful and amazed at how beautiful he is inside and out. He mentions happy things about his sister, things that she would have liked, things that are hers in the house, laughs at stories we tell about her. I think it will still hit properly in the future but I hope we have made it clear we are always willing to talk and we have life long help from our local hospice who we met last week

Our soon to be 1 year old is equally as amazing he is walking and babbling and eating and not sleeping but you can’t win them all! He’s a wonderful distraction during the days and I don’t know where I would be without him

I feel like my partner and I are back to how we were before. A little more nervous and more grateful and obviously sad but able to joke and play easily now. We aren’t pretending to be happy our children and lots of things in our lives still make us happy but there is a big chunk that is just devastated. I still go over and over things in my head but I can shut them off a lot easier if it’s not a good time or I just don’t want to live it again.

I get through the bad days by distracting myself, by telling myself that she’s okay she doesn’t know what’s happened, by redefining what makes a good mum, I now focus on making my living children as happy as possible. By telling myself that it’ll pass it’ll go into the background, by saying that there were worse paths she could have gone down so at least she was saved from that. It doesn’t work on the really bad days. I feel like they are just a plaster but one of the bad ones that keeps falling off all the time.

I feel horrible that I can’t think of her at the minute it just leads me down a rabbit hole and it’s too sad and soon but I have a little list of happy memories I add to and read over from time to time and a couple videos that I watch to see her.

I think that’s all I can answer we are still waiting on the post-mortem, I still feel like she could come home any day and I have no idea what traditions we can do that will make us happy not sad but I suppose you just try things and see what works

You sound like a wonderful woman and mother, sending love to you and all your family x

There was nothing you could do, and it seems she didn't suffer. It sounds like you are coming to terms with it, but like all these things there are bad days. It's a cliche but life goes on, you will never forget but you are so lucky to have your two wonderful children.

Your children sound so lucky to have you as their mum.

What a lovely update. You'll all always remember your beautiful daughter but it's lovely that you can have some better days.

Op you sound amazing how lucky your children are to have you x if I can recommend a book it's by Rob Delaney called a heart that works. Your daughter sounds like she was such a little character and like she brought you so much light and love. I'm sending you healing energy x

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your children are all so lucky to have you as a mum. Your love for your beautiful daughter, and her two little siblings, shines through your posts. I wish you peace and comfort xx

I lost my much loved daughter when she was 2 years old. If you would like to talk, my dms are open x

So sorry op, what a fucking shit hand of cards to be dealt.

I am so sorry for your loss.
please do tell us more about her and what you learn.

I'm so so sorry about the loss of your darling little girl... she sounds so special. I have no words of wisdom but you are doing incredibly well too get out of bed every day and look after your other little ones. It it's just beyond awful for you. X

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness thank you so much for updating. You sound remarkable and offer hope for those of us facing the same horrendous future. Please take care of yourself. As mums we prioritise our children and that is evident in your post. I hope you have support in real life; please keep
posting here too as there are others here living through the childhood cancer nightmare who may be able to help and/or benefit from your wisdom.

Thank you @ScaredOncologyMum I definitely will keep this post updated hopefully to help others and hopefully to help myself!

I am, I have lovely people in my life who I can tell exactly how I'm feeling and others who will distract me and let me live in a bubble for a bit. Obviously I've held back about the bad things, the sadness, the panicky feeling at how momentous and permenant this change is etc etc but I think that's pretty obvious so I might as well focus on the more positive things

Thank you so much for all the support and kind words xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The charity Winston's wish is really helpful