Our middle child passed away

[SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness]

She would have been three last weekend but she died at the end of January. Instead of celebrating her birthday she was cremated the day before.

I cry on and off. I can act normal. I can smile and laugh and play for our two children 5 year old and a 9 month old. I miss her so much and it still doesn’t feel real.

I have so many questions.
Is our 5 year old okay? Will it hit him in a couple years when he can understand more? Will he remember her? Does he miss her? Will he want to talk about her? Is my crying affecting the 9 month old? Am I playing with him like before? Am I putting enough effort into him? Will I be a completely different parent? Will I just forever be pretending to be happy? Will the answers the doctors have be enough to stop me wondering and going over and over it in my head? Will I learn enough to answer any questions my children will have in the future? Will this take over our lives? How do I stop waiting for her to come back? What can I do to remember her that will be happy and not sad? What traditions won’t feel like a reminder that she’ll always be gone?

We’ve been referred for family counselling. We haven’t heard anything back from the post mortem yet, we know why she died she had a huge malignant sarcoma in her chest crushing everything, she only showed symptoms a week into January and then was dead at the end of it. She spent 5 days in hospital and was kept asleep for all but her first day. We have more questions we hope the post mortem can answer like what cancer was it why did it grow so fast etc etc. We also have a meeting with the hospital at some point

I’m just so sad, so so sad I don’t think I can even describe how I truly feel

How do you get through the bad days?

The first lines of your post took my breath away. I'm so sorry. I can't take the pain so let me try and be practical.

My older brother died before I was born leaving my other brother as an only child. My parents were encouraged to have me. It was very difficult for my brother to go from the youngest to the oldest I am told. Even though he was young when Chris died (about 2 I think, my brother was 4 when he died) it had quite an effect on him and sadly his life has been massively affected. This is why I wanted to respond. I urge you to put yourself and your partner first, in terms of grief counselling. My parents never did and ultimately in the kindest way our family has never recovered. My parents tried to be brave and carry on, this was disastrous for everyone.

If you are ok or as ok as you can be your children will be, you are their rock. Share in an appropriate way the memories and grief. Speak about your loved one when you can in an honest way. I wish I was better with words, I so desperately hope the very best for your family, all of you.

I have no advice but I am so truly sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family so much love xxxxxx

I am so very very sorry for your loss OP.

I am approaching the 10 anniversary of my dds death, she was also three years old. Pippa caught Strep A Bacterial Pneumonia and then developed Sepsis, she went from running around the garden causing chaos to dead in 24hrs. The suddenness of her death shocked our whole village and still to this day affects many. At the time she had two brothers, one was 5, one just 10 days old, we went on to have another baby, another brother. Having to explain to a 5 year old that his best friend died was the worst conversation I've ever had, he understood but for months bounced between normal and sad. We were incredibly lucky that his school were beyond fabulous with him. For me, having to look after a baby was a God send, it filled the days and gave me a purpose, yes I cried, but I don't think I properly grieved for a few years.
We waited 4 months for the PM results, it made me see that I did nothing wrong in not spotting anything sooner. As for taking over my life, yes it did, it still does but I'm used to my new normal and can function very well whilst living with my grief. I still have 3 healthy dc who miss their sister but are entitled to a happy childhood, and they are happy and settled. Someone once told me that a life however short is still a complete life, I didn't understand it at the time, I do now and I refuse to waste the time I have left.
My eldest, who was 5 at the time ended up receiving counselling when he was 9, he was struggling and had triggers, one of which was his dad, we divorced 2 years after Pippas death, school again were amazing with him and his secondary school are equally as good.
If it hadn't of been for my remaining dc, I don't know how I would have got through those first days and months, I still have bad days but I recognise them and accept them, I used to do all my ugly crying on my dog walks, i still do, believe me, no one wants to bump in to me then.
Pippa is very much still a part of our lives, she's talked about regularly and missed everyday, i have a good support network of family and friends who don't hesitate to throw me a rope when I'm sinking in my hole, I like my hole, it gives me comfort, I just don't like getting too deep.
Sending you and your family all my thoughts, please remember, you are not alone. Xx

I'm sorry for your bereavement. I know there are specialist children's cancer charities who might be able to provide support and link you to people who are in the same awful position.

I thought it might help to share that I lost my older brother to cancer when I was 5 and while there were times growing up when it hit me hard, overall I don't feel that it had a bad long term effect on me, certainly nothing like the way it affected the adults in the family. Having things he had made and a book of photos to look at was quite important as a way of connection to my memories of him - I remember crying while looking at the photos but in what felt a healing way. Obviously every child is different but that was my experience.

I thought of two things I have read recently that made sense to me about losing a child.

This piece https://therumpus.net/2011/07/01/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-78-the-obliterated-place/

And Michael Rosen's Sad Book about the loss of his son.

I think true comfort comes from those that share your sad experience. I lost a baby recently and only those who experienced it, could really say the things I needed to hear.

So sorry this has happened to your family.

Oh love. I am so, so sorry. Bawling my eyes out reading about your wonderful little girl and I didn’t even have the privilege to know her. Sending love and strength at this painful time.

I'm so sorry for your dreadful loss. I can't imagine your pain. Xx

We lost our 4 year old niece, 12 years ago. She had a brain tumour and it took her quickly. I still think about her most days, life is so very cruel and it makes no sense, none at all.

I am so very sorry for your loss, you’re beautiful little girl sounded wonderful.

I am so sorry OP, I have no words but just wanted to send you lots of love yours and your families way 🩷

I have no words to offer. Your post has broken my heart and I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

Sending love and strength. X

So sorry to hear about your lovely daughter. There is a bereaved parent’s support group on It’s Never You- a childhood cancer support charity. Also My Kid Has Cancer Facebook Group has a bereavement section. Try also Young Lives v Cancer - you won’t have had time to engage with them given the speed of things but they can support you. Also local hospice.
Is a terrible disease.

No advice at all, other than to say I am so sorry. Your daughter sounds absolutely wonderful. Sending you and your family lots of love 🧡

Your poor heart.
I’m giving you a big hug.
You sound so amazing to even have those questions. Be kind to yourself. X

Im so sorry to read this OP. I wish you much strength through this difficult time. Xx

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s unbelievably cruel and sad.

your local children’s hospice are likely to have groups for parents and siblings.

i hope you’ll be able to be genuinely happy in the future while remembering your beautiful little girl

I am so sorry for your terrible loss ❤️

Oh OP this is so awfully sad, words can’t do it justice. Just wanted to send my deepest sympathy xx

This post affected me like no other I have read. The fact that you can write it and ask those questions and think of your other two precious babies demonstrates strength amidst the unbearable. I wish I had some words of use or comfort but all I do is say that I am sitting here thinking of you and your family and sending so much love. My heart aches for you xxxxxxx

Like many others on this thread I wanted to send my love and sympathy for this terrible, awful loss of your beautiful little girl. She sounds amazing and you are a wonderful mum to be thinking so sensitively and deeply about the needs of your other children. I hope you have kind people around you to support and nurture you as you love and support your other children.

I have not lost a child and know that the only other people who can understand properly what you are going through are others who have lost a child, but I wanted to say that many people will have had their lives touched by your lovely daughter and I am sure she will be remembered and missed always by her friends from nursery or playgroups if she went, the parents of your older child who might know her from the school pick up, neighbours, friends. Many years ago I had a friend from a baby group who lost her little son. He would be 21 this year and I still remember exactly what his sweet little face looked like, his birthday month and I think about his mum and his brothers, and what he would have looked like as a grown up lad. I think of him on my daughters birthday every year as they were the same age.

I am so sorry for the loss of your amazing child.
This book was recommended to me for grief for my children from a different circumstance

The Invisible String Workbook: Creative Activities to Comfort, Calm, and Connect amzn.eu/d/aOFG9W3

I have friends who have lost children. They are forever remembered and we say their names often.

X

Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss.
Secondly, I do think you need support now, so suggest some of the charities helplines eg
https://sarcoma.org.uk/support/
or some of the support groups linked to cancer in children, or Macmillans
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/childrens-cancer/support-organisations/organisations

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. One of your questions resonated with me, about will your 5 year old remember her.. my best friend died when we were 5, I am 49 now and I remember her. Not just that she was, and her name and what she looked like, but I remember her smile, her laugh.. I can still hear it. I can feel her swinging on the swing next to me in the sun in her parents garden..the very presence and essence of her being is still with me, and always has been.

I’m so sorry xxxx