Our middle child passed away

[SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness]

She would have been three last weekend but she died at the end of January. Instead of celebrating her birthday she was cremated the day before.

I cry on and off. I can act normal. I can smile and laugh and play for our two children 5 year old and a 9 month old. I miss her so much and it still doesn’t feel real.

I have so many questions.
Is our 5 year old okay? Will it hit him in a couple years when he can understand more? Will he remember her? Does he miss her? Will he want to talk about her? Is my crying affecting the 9 month old? Am I playing with him like before? Am I putting enough effort into him? Will I be a completely different parent? Will I just forever be pretending to be happy? Will the answers the doctors have be enough to stop me wondering and going over and over it in my head? Will I learn enough to answer any questions my children will have in the future? Will this take over our lives? How do I stop waiting for her to come back? What can I do to remember her that will be happy and not sad? What traditions won’t feel like a reminder that she’ll always be gone?

We’ve been referred for family counselling. We haven’t heard anything back from the post mortem yet, we know why she died she had a huge malignant sarcoma in her chest crushing everything, she only showed symptoms a week into January and then was dead at the end of it. She spent 5 days in hospital and was kept asleep for all but her first day. We have more questions we hope the post mortem can answer like what cancer was it why did it grow so fast etc etc. We also have a meeting with the hospital at some point

I’m just so sad, so so sad I don’t think I can even describe how I truly feel

How do you get through the bad days?

I don't think you can get through the days sometimes not with something as utterly heartbreaking as this

You will learn to carry the grief and you'll be distracted by the love and needs of your other children who need you

Cry when you need to don't hold back for anyone's sake

DC are very resilient and won't be nearly as affected at their age as you are

I'm so sorry.

I just want you to know that my DH is the youngest of the family and his middle sister died in childhood, although a bit later. He is an incredible compassionate person, and I think it is part of what made him this way. Also, he still remembers his sister's birthday every year, more than thirty years on. Your children will be affected, but she will become part of who they are, in a good way.

I’m so very sorry. What a dreadful thing to happen to you all.

I am so so sorry OP. You sound like an amazing mum.

Just … all my love. I’m so sorry. She would of known how loved she was. Xxxxxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a heartbreaking tragedy for you all.

Your son is young but we found this charity to be incredibly helpful when we needed it, they are used to helping young children who have been bereaved and it might be worth a look www.winstonswish.org/

I'm so sorry your in the 'sh*t' boat. I have no answers. My little girl died in 2019 she was 2.5 years. Its her 7th birthday tomorrow and 4.5 years on I'm still at a loss. In the early days of my daughters death I found nothing comforted me. She was our first and only at this point. Please be kind to yourself. Your son is still young I'm sure as time goes on he will have questions and want to hear all about his sister. Everything takes time, I'd love to say it gets easier with time but truth is you just become better at coping. Sending you lots of love ❤️

I'm so sorry for yours and your family's loss op. This is incredibly heart breaking. No child should go through this, it's a cruel world we live in. Sending you strength x

I am so very sorry for your loss of your daughter.
For now it’s one minute at a time, one breath at a time.
When you’re ready you can contact Winston’s Wish who support children affected by loss. The Compassionate Friends is another organisation, but all this is when you are ready.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - please lean on support wherever you can.

I wanted to pass on the details of Cruse, in case you can access support faster:

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

God Op I'm so sorry, my heart breaks for you ! I have no doubt that you will also still be in shock as everything seemed to have happened to suddenly from what you have posted.

I have not lost a child and won't even pretend to understand how you are feeling but grief is very personal and it is ok to grieve however way feels right. Try and still eat something and try and sleep, the doctor will provide sleeping pills if needed. Be kind to yourself and accept all offers of help and practical support. Counselling will be good especially for your 5 year old, I know st oswolds have been an amazing support for a friend who sadly lost their one year old so please reach out to professional support offered by the hospital.

You will never get over the loss of your beautiful daughter, however it will slowly get easier to get through each day. There will be days when the grief hits you brand new again, and that's ok to acknowledge.

It's so so cruel that you are having to go through this, sending love to you and rest in peace to your lovely little girl. 💕

I am so so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're in and it's very raw at the moment, I can answer one of your questions though, my sister died when I was 5 she was just short of 8 and I can honestly say I don't remember, I think my mum buffeted it from me and my sister. As we grew up my mum would talk about her and I do remember memories with her but I didn't have any heart ache or pain. You have two other children who need you and I hope they give you the strength to carry on. I don't believe my mum and dad ever 'got over' losing her but they did learn to live with it, she was never forgotten as yours will never be either. Keep your memories alive and when the pain isn't so intense you'll be able to look at her photos, something it took my mum a long time to do. I hope the counselling comes soon and my heart goes out to you all X

I’m sorry for you all. It will reshape your family permanently, and there will be many dark days. Keep talking to each other about her. I’m sure my oldest Dc remembers clearly the awful time we went through. We had another Dc after and she knows about her sister and we chat about her from time to time. Even 9yrs later it brings me to tears. And that’s ok too.

So so sorry OP. It’s early days. It’s been 5 years since dd died (she was 1 and had some health issues but died less than 36 hours after being admitted to hospital so it was equally shocking). If you can find a therapist you connect with I would really recommend that. We still talk about dd and have photos of her in our house. It’s ok to cry, explain to your other dc why you are upset.

I find it unbelievably annoying when people say losing a child is their worst nightmare because this is our reality. 5 years on I still struggle with the fact this ‘thing’ will never go away. I am more than happy to talk if you would like to, about anything that would be helpful. We also had to wait a long time for PM results etc and they agony of the process is indescribable at an already difficult time.

Sending you and your family lots of love. Your life will grow around your grief I promise.

@Sash887 sending you love for your daughter’s birthday tomorrow.

When you feel able, keep talking about her. She's still a part of your family and always will be. It helps me to see the people I've lost as guardian angels. She may be a guardian angel to her siblings. On special occasions I will set a place for absent guests and light a candle for them.

Thank you all so much.

It’s so surreal at the moment. I knew it would be good to come on here and get some practical and emotional advice. To hear from people further along this journey and thank you to everyone who hasn’t been through this but came on to message anyway, you are so kind and your messages are so lovely

My daughter was incredible she would tell us off for not saying your welcome after she said thank you, she would want to help with everything, she would draw on the walls and ruin her brother’s towers/car lines/drawings, she loved Halloween and invited all our decorations to the Halloween party, she would refuse to wear a coat even if it was cold and wet and windy, she HAD to wear a dress and as much pink as possible but she wouldn’t care about getting dirty or paint everywhere, she loved getting me to sing songs like rain rain go away and tell me whose name to use next from our family and extended family and she loved her big brother they did so much together even down to making sure they were playing the same game at the same time on their tablets. I love her so much

Awww what an amazing little girl, she sounds such a character. Hold on to all these fond memories and keep sharing them ❤

She sounds just gorgeous.

OP your little girl sounds amazing, I cried reading your post describing her. It's just so unfair. I really hope that one day you and your family can remember her with more smiles than tears.

So sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds amazing and beautiful.
Sending you lots of love xxxx

I’m so desperately sorry for your loss op. 💐

I have no answers OP but truly I am so immensely sorry for your loss. To even be able to act normal and put a brave face on with your other two DC you are doing so well. Don’t be hard on yourself and please ask for any help from friends and family that you need, I am certain that anybody would be more than happy to take them out for a few hours so that you can have some space to breathe and really feel whatever emotions you need to instead of bottling it all up.

Sending so much love ❤️

I don't have any helpful words really but I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your darling daughter. It just isn't fair; you'll find the way but you shouldn't have to. Sending you all love.