Page 5 | Help me, I’m wavering!

tinkersfig · 2025-11-30T12:55:48+00:00

I’m 38 and seem to be having the hormonal surge for a last chance hurrah. I know that being a mum would make me ill, mentally and physically, but seeing pregnancy announcements and tiny babies (which I do love) on social media is pulling at my cold heart strings. my mind is wandering to a fantasy of big family Christmas’s, tiny hands and even an adult daughter! My main reason for being child free is knowing I could not cope with a disabled child, and I feel like unless you’re whole heart is in it, probably best not to. But by god! Today my ovaries (what’s left of them at my age) are screaming at me!

KimberleyClark · 05/12/2025 09:30

I wonder if they are joking or trying to preserve your feelings. I am yet to meet any mother that seriously regrets having any of her children.

It’s hugely taboo to say to another mother you regret having children in a non-anonymous context though. Do you think anyone would tell you IRL? There is a Facebook page for people who regret motherhood. It’s a real thing.

Original poster

tinkersfig · 05/12/2025 09:54

The fact is, I’ve always been off and on about what’s right for me. I have TTC in the past, I didn’t happen and I was sad. Then for a while, I was relieved! I tend to to and fro between these two emotions and I am struggling with the fact that I can’t make a decision.

It’s still very possible that I would never get pregnant, even if I tried again, because I did try about 5 years ago. I did all the ovulation tracking etc and was offered some help but thought “if it’s meant to have been, I would have been”.

Then I really leaned in to being child free and felt glad. It’s a rollercoaster.

OP posts:

Catpiece · 05/12/2025 10:09

tinkersfig · 30/11/2025 19:56

Bloody hell. I’ve just been out for dinner and there was a lovely little family i wss watching (my ovaries were watching) and then all hell broke loose!

Kicking, screaming and the dad got a smack to the face! The mum looked like she was on the verge and tears and they left pretty sharply. I’ve come home, put my jimmies on and the cats asleep on my lap.

I think the ovaries have retreated for now 😂

Hi OP. My children never behaved like that. x

PolyCat · 05/12/2025 12:24

I know two people IRL who regret having their children. All my other mum friends frequently tell me how incredibly difficult it is. They talk about their days and yes you do need to enjoy or at least not be bothered by- making food for and feeding someone, cleaning up after someone, getting someone ready for school, getting them to do their homework, disciplining, entertaining, teaching and it goes on and on. Not to mention a child with SEN.

All those are real things that mums have to do, your life “does not barely change”.
I can’t imagine in the few hours I have outside of work to have to do the above tasks for anyone but myself. I need those few hours, the weekends and my annual leave to spend on things that bring me joy, make life worth living for me - and that’s not taking care of a child. I’m different from other posters on this forum who do not find childcare drudgery and that’s okay. I realize my limits and my desires and thus have decided to be childfree.

If I was so wealthy that I could have all the above daily tasks done by someone else and I only get the Hallmark moments, and have someone else birth the child too - I would much more likely do it. But then I would also not really be a mum would I.

edit: typo

UnhappyHobbit · 05/12/2025 16:21

tinkersfig · 04/12/2025 21:29

when ever I meet someone with kids and they hear I don’t, the first thing they say is “don’t do it”. I’ve yet to meet someone who says “do it, you’ll never once regret it”.

This. I get exactly the same comments and they are not said in jest!!

It’s so confusing xx

Blizzardofleaves · 05/12/2025 17:34

PolyCat · 05/12/2025 12:24

I know two people IRL who regret having their children. All my other mum friends frequently tell me how incredibly difficult it is. They talk about their days and yes you do need to enjoy or at least not be bothered by- making food for and feeding someone, cleaning up after someone, getting someone ready for school, getting them to do their homework, disciplining, entertaining, teaching and it goes on and on. Not to mention a child with SEN.

All those are real things that mums have to do, your life “does not barely change”.
I can’t imagine in the few hours I have outside of work to have to do the above tasks for anyone but myself. I need those few hours, the weekends and my annual leave to spend on things that bring me joy, make life worth living for me - and that’s not taking care of a child. I’m different from other posters on this forum who do not find childcare drudgery and that’s okay. I realize my limits and my desires and thus have decided to be childfree.

If I was so wealthy that I could have all the above daily tasks done by someone else and I only get the Hallmark moments, and have someone else birth the child too - I would much more likely do it. But then I would also not really be a mum would I.

edit: typo

Edited

Of course mothers with multiple children will sometimes feel tired. I was referring to parents with just one child!

For those saying don’t do it, and taking it literally - I think you will find these people rightly or wrongly are trying to avoid hurting your feelings. They are possibly feeling awkward. I am pretty sure most of them would never be without their beloved children if you asked them seriously and they were not trying to shield you in some way.

I don’t feel the need to shield, because I do think many make a lifestyle choice and there is not always a sad story behind the choice.

GingerBeverage · 05/12/2025 17:38

It would be interesting to hear from women who have had one child and wish they had stayed child free.

Most of the regret I read seems to be from women who have more than one. I could be wrong.

TamikaS · 05/12/2025 17:49

GingerBeverage · 05/12/2025 17:38

It would be interesting to hear from women who have had one child and wish they had stayed child free.

Most of the regret I read seems to be from women who have more than one. I could be wrong.

There's a Reddit sub for regretful parents and a Facebook page for regretful parents and the majority of the posts I've seen are from people who have one child. However quite a lot of the articles and blog posts by regretful parents that I've seen are from people who have more than one child and mention that they had a second because people told them it was selfish to have an only or because they felt guilty for having an only.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 18:03

I really don't think it's the case that most parents regret the choice to have children. Some do, undoubtedly, just as some child free people end up regretting not having had kids. But I think the majority of people are probably happy with the choices that they've made.

As long as we're happy with our own choices, I'm not sure that it really matters how other people feel about theirs?

BruFord · 05/12/2025 18:23

TamikaS · 05/12/2025 17:49

There's a Reddit sub for regretful parents and a Facebook page for regretful parents and the majority of the posts I've seen are from people who have one child. However quite a lot of the articles and blog posts by regretful parents that I've seen are from people who have more than one child and mention that they had a second because people told them it was selfish to have an only or because they felt guilty for having an only.

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@TamikaS That's really very sad that they regret their life choices. Imagine if Reddit and Facebook had been around when we were growing up and we discovered that our parents had posted saying that they regretted having us? What would it have done to us?

TinyHousemouse · 05/12/2025 23:07

GingerBeverage · 05/12/2025 17:38

It would be interesting to hear from women who have had one child and wish they had stayed child free.

Most of the regret I read seems to be from women who have more than one. I could be wrong.

I completely agree with this. I have only ever heard of “regret”when there is more than one. And I can appreciate it - I can’t have any more DC, and most of the time that doesn’t bother me at all because I have gone from wanting no children to having one that I adore - but there are times, when she’s being angelic 😂 where I think “what if?” Now I know I would not cope with more than one and I would likely regret it…but if I could have more, and I conceived one in a “what if” moment? I can see how it happens.

Blizzardofleaves · 06/12/2025 12:47

TamikaS · 05/12/2025 17:49

There's a Reddit sub for regretful parents and a Facebook page for regretful parents and the majority of the posts I've seen are from people who have one child. However quite a lot of the articles and blog posts by regretful parents that I've seen are from people who have more than one child and mention that they had a second because people told them it was selfish to have an only or because they felt guilty for having an only.

Show quote history

I do think it’s odd if you are so happy with your life choices, that you would go to the lengths you have searching for negativity and Facebook pages etc. It’s confirmation bias, not real life and indicates you are looking to feel better about your decisions.

You are only getting a snapshot at that moment, which may be just a vent, maybe a few weeks later they are feeling quite content again.

I don’t think you will find many mothers that ‘regret’ having their children, it’s pretty rare even amongst those that struggle. Sorry if that isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s much closer to the truth than you know. My children have literally been the making of me, and transformed my life. I am not alone in that experience. I am not remotely maternal, I don’t think I ever will be, but it’s different when it comes to your own.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/12/2025 12:50

EasiestWayOut · 30/11/2025 13:26

OP, if it’s just being pregnant, surely you could adopt?

Adoption is full of complexities, and many adopted children have very complex needs - it’s not for the faint hearted or the unsure.

mashandgravy · 06/12/2025 12:50

tinkersfig · 05/12/2025 09:54

The fact is, I’ve always been off and on about what’s right for me. I have TTC in the past, I didn’t happen and I was sad. Then for a while, I was relieved! I tend to to and fro between these two emotions and I am struggling with the fact that I can’t make a decision.

It’s still very possible that I would never get pregnant, even if I tried again, because I did try about 5 years ago. I did all the ovulation tracking etc and was offered some help but thought “if it’s meant to have been, I would have been”.

Then I really leaned in to being child free and felt glad. It’s a rollercoaster.

Why not give it one last shot. If it's meant to be, as you say, then it will be.

StrangePaint · 06/12/2025 13:53

PolyCat · 05/12/2025 12:24

I know two people IRL who regret having their children. All my other mum friends frequently tell me how incredibly difficult it is. They talk about their days and yes you do need to enjoy or at least not be bothered by- making food for and feeding someone, cleaning up after someone, getting someone ready for school, getting them to do their homework, disciplining, entertaining, teaching and it goes on and on. Not to mention a child with SEN.

All those are real things that mums have to do, your life “does not barely change”.
I can’t imagine in the few hours I have outside of work to have to do the above tasks for anyone but myself. I need those few hours, the weekends and my annual leave to spend on things that bring me joy, make life worth living for me - and that’s not taking care of a child. I’m different from other posters on this forum who do not find childcare drudgery and that’s okay. I realize my limits and my desires and thus have decided to be childfree.

If I was so wealthy that I could have all the above daily tasks done by someone else and I only get the Hallmark moments, and have someone else birth the child too - I would much more likely do it. But then I would also not really be a mum would I.

edit: typo

Edited

I don’t find it ‘incredibly difficult’ at all. The newborn and small baby stage was difficult, understandably, as you’re new to it, you don’t love your child yet, and it’s labour-intensive. But DS is a teenager now, and I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed all subsequent phases of parenthood, and found I’ve still had plenty of time for me, alongside working FT, and doing things like an international move and managing a big house renovation. If anything, I’ve found parenthood has made me ‘work smarter’ in that I don’t waste time.

I have one child by choice, though. More than one wouldn’t have worked for me.

TamikaS · 06/12/2025 13:56

Blizzardofleaves · 06/12/2025 12:47

I do think it’s odd if you are so happy with your life choices, that you would go to the lengths you have searching for negativity and Facebook pages etc. It’s confirmation bias, not real life and indicates you are looking to feel better about your decisions.

You are only getting a snapshot at that moment, which may be just a vent, maybe a few weeks later they are feeling quite content again.

I don’t think you will find many mothers that ‘regret’ having their children, it’s pretty rare even amongst those that struggle. Sorry if that isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s much closer to the truth than you know. My children have literally been the making of me, and transformed my life. I am not alone in that experience. I am not remotely maternal, I don’t think I ever will be, but it’s different when it comes to your own.

Show quote history

That's not for you to dictate that I'm searching for negativity and confirmation bias if it helps me with my regret of having children. Just because it's a negative topic, doesn't mean it's a negative outcome for me personally to read about it.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 06/12/2025 15:52

Am I on the right board? I don't come onto "Childfree Mumsnetters" very often - even though I don't have kids - but this thread seems to be half full of women who've had kids telling OP to go for it.

Has it been colonized by parents?

Original poster

tinkersfig · 06/12/2025 16:26

KaleidoscopeSmile · 06/12/2025 15:52

Am I on the right board? I don't come onto "Childfree Mumsnetters" very often - even though I don't have kids - but this thread seems to be half full of women who've had kids telling OP to go for it.

Has it been colonized by parents?

😂😂😂

OP posts:

PolyCat · 06/12/2025 17:14

Both mums I know that regret having a child only had one. Both were pressured into it / thought “that’s what you are supposed to do”. Both are miserable in their own ways. I hope they find peace once the kids are adults but they’ve had a really hard time so far.

These mums and other parents telling me about how difficult it is- each has been facing different challenges- ones that I wouldn’t want to face:

One has a child that has needed multiple open heart surgeries. The kid is alive but has missed out on many academic and social milestones due to the illness
One has a tween with severe mental health issues - likely OCD/bipolar. Meds, therapy have been futile so far
One divorced his wife who is a helicopter parent with complete control over the daughters that unfortunately is still lasting into young adulthood as they live with her while going to uni. He barely ever gets to see them
One had a horrific pregnancy that left her nearly unable to eat, in pain, losing hair and teeth, bedridden, c section, now has severe PPD bordering on psychosis. She can’t spend more than a few hours with her baby alone. Couldn’t wait to return to work
One hates the daily drudgery of being a mum, relationship with husband fell apart, child is a nightmare as he doesn’t know the word no. Mum is shagging a lorry driver on the side and lives for opportunities to be away from the house
One has a very bright, but stubborn almost cunning child who refuses to do anything she doesn’t want to - constant state of rebellion. Manipulates the two parents and shytes on the floor when she doesn’t get her way
One has children who moved to Australia
One has a child that lost an eye in an accident on the playground
One has a child who died from lung cancer as a young adult

As they say, everyone is always going through something and for all of these people I know that happens to be related to their child(ren).

Blizzardofleaves · 07/12/2025 14:02

PolyCat · 06/12/2025 17:14

Both mums I know that regret having a child only had one. Both were pressured into it / thought “that’s what you are supposed to do”. Both are miserable in their own ways. I hope they find peace once the kids are adults but they’ve had a really hard time so far.

These mums and other parents telling me about how difficult it is- each has been facing different challenges- ones that I wouldn’t want to face:

One has a child that has needed multiple open heart surgeries. The kid is alive but has missed out on many academic and social milestones due to the illness
One has a tween with severe mental health issues - likely OCD/bipolar. Meds, therapy have been futile so far
One divorced his wife who is a helicopter parent with complete control over the daughters that unfortunately is still lasting into young adulthood as they live with her while going to uni. He barely ever gets to see them
One had a horrific pregnancy that left her nearly unable to eat, in pain, losing hair and teeth, bedridden, c section, now has severe PPD bordering on psychosis. She can’t spend more than a few hours with her baby alone. Couldn’t wait to return to work
One hates the daily drudgery of being a mum, relationship with husband fell apart, child is a nightmare as he doesn’t know the word no. Mum is shagging a lorry driver on the side and lives for opportunities to be away from the house
One has a very bright, but stubborn almost cunning child who refuses to do anything she doesn’t want to - constant state of rebellion. Manipulates the two parents and shytes on the floor when she doesn’t get her way
One has children who moved to Australia
One has a child that lost an eye in an accident on the playground
One has a child who died from lung cancer as a young adult

As they say, everyone is always going through something and for all of these people I know that happens to be related to their child(ren).

What a staggering amount of bad luck, and just imagine all of those terrible events happening in your just your friendship circle.

Anyway op - see a counsellor - make your decision quickly. That will allow just about enough room for a second if you suddenly feel the desire to have more! Try to be more positive generally - life is beautiful and full of excitement.

Original poster

tinkersfig · 07/12/2025 17:29

Ok I’m back to my usual, child free, self. I have a beautiful niece and a new baby nephew and I am quite happy to hand them back to their mothers after I’ve had cuddles 😂

OP posts:

EmpressaurusKitty · 07/12/2025 18:14

tinkersfig · 07/12/2025 17:29

Ok I’m back to my usual, child free, self. I have a beautiful niece and a new baby nephew and I am quite happy to hand them back to their mothers after I’ve had cuddles 😂

The urges have gone already?

TheDogAteTheElf · 07/12/2025 18:19

EmpressaurusKitty · 07/12/2025 18:14

The urges have gone already?

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😂 It’s almost like some of these threads are just to wind people up.

Original poster

tinkersfig · 07/12/2025 18:37

EmpressaurusKitty · 07/12/2025 18:14

The urges have gone already?

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They might come back when I’m ovulating again in 2 weeks time, who knows!

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkersfig · 07/12/2025 18:38

TheDogAteTheElf · 07/12/2025 18:19

😂 It’s almost like some of these threads are just to wind people up.

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How/why are you wound up about this thread?

OP posts: