Help me, I’m wavering!

[tinkersfig]

I’m 38 and seem to be having the hormonal surge for a last chance hurrah.

I know that being a mum would make me ill, mentally and physically, but seeing pregnancy announcements and tiny babies (which I do love) on social media is pulling at my cold heart strings.

my mind is wandering to a fantasy of big family Christmas’s, tiny hands and even an adult daughter!

My main reason for being child free is knowing I could not cope with a disabled child, and I feel
like unless you’re whole heart is in it, probably best not to. But by god! Today my ovaries (what’s left of them at my age) are screaming at me!

The thing is, there are no guarantees no matter what you do.

It is undoubtedly true that some child free people bitterly regret not having had children when they are older because they are lonely. I have seen this in my own extended family, and it's very sad to witness.

But equally, some people who did have children are also very lonely - either because their dc don't bother with them or have gone NC, or because they live too far away, or in some cases, because they have sadly predeceased their parents etc. I know one poor woman who lost both of her sons in road accidents, for example. And I know another elderly lady who sadly lost her only child to cancer.

There are no guarantees for any of us. Whether we have children, or whether we don't, we can't possibly know exactly how things are going to pan out in either scenario. This is why it's better to make decisions for positive reasons and not out of fear. Allowing fear to dominate is much more likely to lead to regrets in my opinion, regardless of which way you eventually decide to lean.

Good posts from @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack. I’m one of those women who was absolutely contentedly childfree, always. It never occurred to me that having children was something I might do, and I was in a happy longterm relationship with someone who felt similarly. I never had a broody moment — I’m the eldest of a big family and was looking after the younger ones from the time I was eight, so babies not particularly appealing. Then we decided it might be interesting to be parents, and conceived immediately. DS was born just before I turned 40. I’m very glad we did, and DS (13) is amazing, but I would have gone on having a very happy life if we hadn’t had him, too.

Make the decision either way for positive reasons. There’s no right or wrong answer.

Watching other people’s kids is no measure. I never really warmed to other people’s children unless they were particularly charming but I loved having my own. They are a bit of you. I now have two adult dds (and an adult ds) and I love hanging out with them. They keep us young and we have a lot of laughs and lovely times.

Try imagining your life at 60, and 70, and 80.

What is it like, and who is in it?

If a child isn’t in that scene then you know what you want long term.

It’s strange you say this, because I do see in my imagination, an adult DD or DS with their own families and it does look lovely, but it also give me massive anxiety and I can’t pin point why.

I get this a lot. DP is much older than me and I don't have much family. I think about how much support I give DF and gave late DM and being alone and old or ill really frightens me. But I can't make myself want children so I'm stuck.

I’m hoping to be a mysterious, eccentric witch woman in my old age. I don’t worry about being lonely, I’ll have my cats and potions and such.

Having a child because you think it might be interesting seems a bit bonkers to me. Children deserve to be wanted wholeheartedly, surely?

You sound a little bit similar to me, even down to the OCD. I decided to commit to the idea quite suddenly in my late 30s. I had been on the fence for so long there were splinters on my arse and overnight decided I needed to do it. Must be hormonal I reckon. I fell pregnant quite quickly and panicked! Including all the worries you mention. Pregnancy was really terrible for me. I questioned every day if having a baby was a dreadful mistake. Would I miss my lovely peaceful life? I was so scared and ill for 9 months, it exacerbated all of my sensory issues and tendency to overthink. I worried about money and spent a lot of time on these boards reading accounts of those who regretted becoming a parent. I tend to doom monger and catastrophise when I am anxious - are you the same? Anyway, long story short my beauty is next to me now and the bloody best thing I ever did. I have never been happier. In fact, I did not realise what was missing from my life until I looked into their eyes in the hospital. I’ve loved every minute of motherhood, even the sleepless newborn bit that I was so worried about! I have surprised myself so much. If I were younger and not so physically battered by the pregnancy I would have 10 more. Just wanted to give you a positive account. What does your DH want to do out of interest? Good luck, it feels like such a massive decision and it can weigh heavy on you. I am sure you will come to the right outcome.

Are you me? I’m an absolute doom monger, have some sensory issues and have a catastrophic brain. My fave saying is “always look on the dark side, you’ll never be disappointed”.

Im glad it works out for you x

Sorry you are feeling the same. It is really difficult. I have been researching care options to try and ease some of the worry. I have found a retirement village where you can live independently, but move up the levels of care if required (they coordinate the moves). And if you are living independently, but are taken ill or needs to recuperate after a hospital stay, you can temporarily move into one of their care services.

I am very much hoping it is still available when I am older. It is rather expensive though.

I asked myself two simple questions- do I want a family and do I want to bring up a family? Then I considered the practicalities.

You need to want to do the parenting, iyswim.

I was confident enough in my own parenting abilities (my upbringing was a masterclass in how not to do it) to think that I would do a decent job.

And tbh, vast numbers of people have children just because they think it’s ’what you do’, rather than out of any wholehearted wanting.

I think that’s a bit too idealistic. There are plenty of babies born that aren’t planned but go on to be very much loved and adored.

I have no regrets. I am glad that I did not bring children into this world. My best friend has become estranged from both her adult children, there are no guarantees with kids.
I do admit that I have zero interests in children and never had a desire to ever hold a baby!

I think quite a few people who are ambivalent probably end up having children for the curiosity factor - it's still pushed by society as the 'norm' and people wonder what they're missing out on. The thing with kids seems to be no one can possibly know what it's like before they do it (I say this as someone without kids). There are people who wanted kids their whole life but end up not enjoying it as much as they thought or even regretting it. Then there are people who were ambivalent or worried about it who end up loving it and not being able to imagine life without them.

Also, DS was certainly planned and wanted. He was just planned and wanted by two people who had previously planned not to have children.

And raising him so far (he’s now a teenager) has been fully as interesting as I could have hoped.

Always amazes me when people say 'just adopt'. Adoption isn't like having your own baby. It's like being a live in parent/social worker/psychologist to a child who has been severely abused or neglected. An amazing thing to do, but never something to be taken lightly.

I don’t think my own curiosity was primarily socially-mandated. I’ve not done anything in my life that was expected of me, because that set of (highly gendered) expectations was so cramped and unappealing. Many of my friends and three of my siblings are childfree by choice. If I’d been offered some kind of choice between the career I have and having a child, I’d have chosen the career without thinking twice, and I would have been right to. But it’s not either/or. By the time I was 39, I was well-established, senior and flexible enough to fit in the experience of having a child if I wanted. And it’s been decided I did, and DH was on board.

And it’s been far more interesting than parenthood looks from the outside. We’re both delighted we did. DS is wonderful.

It is not like having a child biologically, but that child certainly becomes ‘your own baby’ even though you didn’t give birth to them. My adopter friends have taught me so much about parenting the child you have.

I should have said I didn't mean to suggest this applied to you, just that I think social expectations do play a role for many who are ambivalent. Glad it's worked out so well for you 🙂

They do become your baby, yes. I worked in this sector and think a lot of people have no idea what it entails.

Yes, it makes it sound like adopting, once you’ve decided to do it, is just a formality, just go along, fill in a form, answer a few questions and you’re done. Whereas it’s a very difficult and challenging process through which you, your life, your circumstances and your marriage will be scrutinised in the most minute detail. This is it should be, they have to weed out anyone who is not really wholehearted about it.

They're certainly pushed on you a lot by a certain type of person who needs everyone else to validate their own life decisions, especially if they think your life looks easier!

I never got that stuff from actual friends or family, but there was a certain category of person, maybe friends of friends, friends of friends’ parents, or people at bus stops, who appeared to made made very agitated by encountering a happily childfree person.

As exactly the same type of person chimed in again after I had DS to tell me I ‘couldn’t just have one’ because it would be ‘selfish’, I concluded these were people who didn’t like being reminded that having a child, or multiple children, is in fact entirely voluntary.

Yes, it’s ‘easier’ to have no children. It’s ‘easier’ to have one child than it is to have three. But no one made you do it, so stop seeing my life decisions as some kind of personal rebuke, especially when I don’t know you from a hole in the ground and we’ve only met because you’re at my neighbours’ barbecue!

People who haven’t done it, researched it seriously because they were contemplating it, or watched someone close to them do it, generally have little idea, no. I wouldn’t have contemplated adoption myself if I’d been unable to conceive, any more than I would have done IVF. But I hugely admire friends who are parents by adoption, even in (especially in?) challenging situations where a lot of advocacy is needed, and in one case where a child could no longer live with them. They’re still very much her parents.