Help me, I’m wavering!

[tinkersfig]

I’m 38 and seem to be having the hormonal surge for a last chance hurrah.

I know that being a mum would make me ill, mentally and physically, but seeing pregnancy announcements and tiny babies (which I do love) on social media is pulling at my cold heart strings.

my mind is wandering to a fantasy of big family Christmas’s, tiny hands and even an adult daughter!

My main reason for being child free is knowing I could not cope with a disabled child, and I feel
like unless you’re whole heart is in it, probably best not to. But by god! Today my ovaries (what’s left of them at my age) are screaming at me!

I don't get this vibe from the OP's posts - it sounds more like a phase. Although only she can know this of course.

Can I ask why you think it will be sad and lonely? Only it's looking like I won't have kids and I don't feel that way at all.

I agree @cucumberpeach. If you have friends and interests, you won’t be lonely.

Plus adult children don’t necessarily stick around- I don’t live in my country of origin and I’m not expecting my adult children to live close by, our families are very scattered.

I have a couple of older relatives (70 upwards) who don’t have kids & who have busy, happy lives because they’ve built communities for themselves.

I’m 52, perimenopausal & definitely won’t be having kids. Same for me.

I know other older people who have kids and, for various reasons, are sad & lonely.

Yes, I could have a child and they could grow up and move to Australia or something.

I think loneliness can happen at any stage of life for a variety of reasons. Staying open to new people and interests is the key.

It's definitely the impression I've gotten 🤷‍♀️. You're right though, that only the OP can know.

From someone with 3 very young ones who I DO love deeply , don’t do it.

I think having multiple disabled children is extreme, and we don’t hear from the millions of parents with healthy and happy lives becatae they have no need to post.

If you are in your own words a ‘doom monger’ then of course you are going to fixate on the negative, rather than the beauty of motherhood.

One child quite frankly is easy, that’s why people go on to have more. With one child your life barely changes, and it is effortless. So if you were to decide to give it a go then agree to have one, and see how it feels.

I didn’t want dc, so I wouldn’t necessarily wait for a thunderclap of maternal feelings. My maternal feelings didn’t arrive until the baby was in my arms, and it grew over time like an oak tree. We decided to have a baby after weighing up how much regret we may feel later in life. I am a caring and loving person, so I knew it was likely I would make a good enough mother.

You have many years ahead of you - and at some point doing everything for yourself only just becomes quite boring and one dimensional. That’s been my experience. I have always fully supported womem that are child free. It’s your choice and you can have a fulfilling life either way.

I think you are probably right about feeling regret in later life. When I look ahead, all I can see is loss and loneliness. I have no extended family either as I am an only child myself.

It’s not your children’s role, really, to keep you entertained in your autumn years. Children don’t often make the best friends for ageing parents as there is often a lot of emotional baggage.

It's such a complex, difficult topic, and no one else can know what another person should or shouldn't do. I think what is underrated or underemphasised in society though is how good life can be for people - women especially - who don't have children. There are clearly people who really want kids, and to not be able to have them is awful. I reckon a lot of people who are more in the ambivalent category could probably be happy either way however.

I did choose to have a child in the end, but I’m aware I’d almost certainly have continued being just as happy if I hadn’t.

when ever I meet someone with kids and they hear I don’t, the first thing they say is “don’t do it”. I’ve yet to meet someone who says “do it, you’ll never once regret it”.

And you’d take major life decision advice from the kind of person who thinks this is a witty, funny thing to say?

I mean, it would never occur to me to tell someone I’d just met to have children, or not to.

But perhaps that is in response to what you’re saying about it? If I knew that a friend of mine was not keen to have children, I wouldn’t tell her that having my children has been more brilliant than I could possibly ever have imagined. That would feel a bit off. But it would be the truth, for me personally.

I am an advocate for people making their own choices and staying child free. But don’t let fear be the thing that stops you, if having children is something you actually do want to do! I’m also a massive worrier and overthinker, and having children has actually really helped me with it as it forces me outside of my own head.

Because that would be so rude! You have to keep that kind of conversation lighthearted how offensive would it be to start piling on all the reasons kids are great.

Babies are cute for sure. But they do not stay babies for long. And then if you are predisposed to worrying, literally the rest of your life you will have a ready made source of constant worry. DH is 43 and MIL can probably give you 5 reasons she worries about him without even pausing for breath.

That's because we're too polite!

Seriously, based on my own personal experience, I would absolutely say "do it". But I wouldn't presume to tell someone else how to live their life.

why would it be rude and impolite?! If I’d done something I thought was great, I’d be telling everyone about it.

Christ, now I don’t understand social nuances 😂

If I knew that someone didn't have children, I wouldn't usually know for sure why that was - it might be that they didn't want them, couldn't have them, hadn't met the right partner yet, hadn't made up their mind etc.

It would seem incredibly crass to start waxing lyrical about how wonderful being a parent was to someone who might never have the opportunity to experience that for themselves.

Don’t. 18 year’s minimum of stress and expense. Plus today’s world is a horror show for any child to be growing up in. Child free and care free are the blissful utopias every on the edge parent dreams of, let them deal with the hassle.

Oh come on @Nutmuncher. What suits one person doesn’t suit another, that’s all there is to it. 🤷 Many parents consider having a family to be one of their best life choices, it’s their blissful utopia!

You can live alone without being lonely if you are complete within yourself. I chose not to have children because I could not see how doing so was going to serve my interests. I dont want to be responsible for other people nor do I ask them to take responsibility for me. When I can no longer look after myself I will end my life in my own way and at my own time.

I think if someone told me to 'just do it' I'd explain that if they could pay for it for me then absolutely 😅

I wonder if they are joking or trying to preserve your feelings. I am yet to meet any mother that seriously regrets having any of her children. Most mothers feel deep love and children are a source of joy for most, if not all. Some women will struggle if they have had very difficult childhoods or are in poor relationships.

It would be crass for anyone to tell you motherhood is amazing and you should try it, given your decision to now op. Most would be respectful of your feelings and decision. They might also quietly be aware of what you are missing, but also understand your reasons.

Having just one child is not a hassle or difficult. Or especially expensive. Each to their own in terms of size of the families they choose to have.

Eventually you have to decide what is best for you, and whether your negative mindset about life is really holding you back. I would get some professional help with that anyway, and have counselling around your decision to have a child so you can explore it fully.

I agree that when people say ‘don’t do it’ it’s to preserve your feelings. I’ve done it myself, generally because I’m aware that there’s a high chance that the other person can’t have children and may be very sad about it - in which case it would be very cruel to say ‘oh, you’re missing out on a great source of joy and love’.
lots of people who can’t have children don’t say that straight up so most people tread sensitively in these situations, and a bit of ‘humour’ and self deprecation is used to diffuse/ divert awkwardness.