Help me, I’m wavering!

[tinkersfig]

I’m 38 and seem to be having the hormonal surge for a last chance hurrah.

I know that being a mum would make me ill, mentally and physically, but seeing pregnancy announcements and tiny babies (which I do love) on social media is pulling at my cold heart strings.

my mind is wandering to a fantasy of big family Christmas’s, tiny hands and even an adult daughter!

My main reason for being child free is knowing I could not cope with a disabled child, and I feel
like unless you’re whole heart is in it, probably best not to. But by god! Today my ovaries (what’s left of them at my age) are screaming at me!

Why would it make you ill?

Being scared of a disabled child seems an odd reason not to have children. It's a very low risk you'll have a disabled child and presumably you do other things that carry risk.

Go and read a bunch of posts on the regretful parents subreddit. That will cure you. I totally understand the appeal of having an adult daughter - it's a hell of a lot of hard work. stress and drudgery to get there though!

Children are a huge commitment if you have made it 38 years without having one keep going especially if you dont think you can cope if things arnt ideal

Someone I used to know had that. Since she & her DH had never wanted kids before they suspected it was hormonal & decided to wait a year.

Much to the relief of them both the urge went away again & never came back.

Just read some of the complaining here surely!

OP, if it’s just being pregnant, surely you could adopt?

pulling at my cold heart strings

Why is it that women who choose not to have children are framed as being cold - 'cold heart strings'?

I'm child free by choice and I'm far from cold hearted.

I think for some women, wavering about the choice not to have children is natural. It's about weighing up what's best for you OP.

I always thought it was low risk too, but reading some of the mums on here who’s day to day reality is constant worry about what will happen to their children when they are no longer able to look after them, opened my eyes to just how many children have physical or mental health problems. And they’re not supported at all, financially or practically.

I do do things that carry risk, but only to myself, not someone else.

Just a bit of tongue in cheek for us wenches. I’m actually not cold hearted at all, if anything I’m too soft.

I didn’t know this existed! I’ll have a look, thanks.

Have the baby. Disabled or not you’ll never love anything more.

I had a wobble mid 30s. I'm in my 60s now and every single day I thank my lucky stars that I didn't give into it, But then I didn't want children because I didn't want children, not for fear of having a disabled child.

My cousin was disabled and filled his parent's life with joy, they could not have loved any child more than they loved him. If that is your only reason, maybe you should really think about it seriously with your head and heart.

It's okay to change your mind.

i appreciate the comment @Mamabear487but love just isn’t enough.

Exactly this! You can change your mind.

Or you can wait 6mths and see if it goes away?

Personally I'm as maternal as a rock and as logical as a spreadsheet. So whenever my hormones have had a little wobble I've logically told them to F off and I am not giving birth under any circumstances.
In the same way I tell my anxious, angry PMT brain to stop being a knob head.

The disability factor is just one reason, but it’s the one that affects someone else’s life, not just mine, which is why I mention it.

i don’t have any doubts that I wouldn’t love any child, and I might actually be a good mum, in the right circumstances. The thing with having a child though, is that everything is completely out of your control and circumstances are rarely ideal, just from what I’ve seen and read about motherhood.

Hormones are evil, lol. Ignore, they’ll calm down. There’s an awful lot to be happy about being child-free, focus on that.

I think you need to make whatever decision you make for positive reasons. Being a parent can be wonderful. A child free life can also be wonderful. Ultimately, it boils down to the question of what is right for you.

If you are rejecting parenthood because of fear, then that probably isn't a good rationale and you may well end up regretting your decision. If you are rejecting parenthood because having kids is just something that you don't want from your life, then that's a very good reason for not having them.

Being a parent is absolutely the best thing that I have ever done in my life, and my now adult daughter has consistently been the greatest source of joy for me ever since she was a baby. However, one of my closest friends seriously regrets motherhood and wishes she could turn back the clock - despite having been an absolutely fantastic mum to her two dc, who are dearly loved and will never know how their mum feels.

Similarly, I have child free friends who have busy, rewarding and fulfilling lives, who haven't ever looked back to question their choices and probably never will. But I also have a childfree relative who is struggling with loneliness as she gets older and now bitterly regrets her decision not to have kids.

My point is that other people can't really tell you what's right for you, and nobody can predict how you will feel about it in the longer term. It's a very personal thing, and there are no right or wrong answers. All I can suggest is that you spend some time reflecting deeply on what you really want from life - both now and in the future - and that you make whatever decision you make on the basis of positive reasons for either having or not having children - not on fomo or worst case scenario catastrophising etc.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

This is a fairly common experience, OP - it doesn't mean you have to act on it. Your hormones try to trick you, but you and I both know that having a child simply because of a combination of hormones and emotion is not a good enough reason. All your carefully considered original reasons to be childfree are still totally valid.
Stick it out and, in a few years, you'll just be so relieved that you did.

(And how do you know it would be nice to have an adult daughter? It could just as easily be really awful!).

Thanks @Cynic17

Bloody hell. I’ve just been out for dinner and there was a lovely little family i wss watching (my ovaries were watching) and then all hell broke loose!

Kicking, screaming and the dad got a smack to the face! The mum looked like she was on the verge and tears and they left pretty sharply. I’ve come home, put my jimmies on and the cats asleep on my lap.

I think the ovaries have retreated for now 😂

I am in a similar situation to OP and fear of loneliness in the future is really getting to me. But then most people say that this isn't a good enough reason to have a child, and I think they are probably right. But it is still scary.

There is no guarantee your children will keep you company in your old age DD stayed away after university ds1 wants to travel ds2 has special needs so he might be around more but he could also end up in some sort of home either way I have cats and while I see my dad weekly I dont see my mom at all

That's a hilarious dose of reality op 😂

What are the concrete reasons for you being childfree? If they still apply, then just ride through the hormones and remain childfree.

I'm mid thirties and don't think my biological clock will ever kick in. I'm just too logical to let myself be swayed. I like the spreadsheet analogy above. That's me too I reckon.

Good question. I’m not sure any of my reasons are concrete but:

I have a panic disorder and OCD - I wouldn’t want to exacerbate that or pass it on.

I worry about everything! Especially money

My DP is great, but he might not always be

DP is also a worrier

i only have a two bedroom house 😂

i like my own space and company

I hate my job- but if I had a kid, the opportunity to retrain would be harder

The ovaries then kick up a fuss and say:

You love babies!

You're hilarious- that should be passed on 😂

Practically, I’d be a good mum