Sadness that you don’t want kids

[Cityandmakeup]

This may seem like an odd question for some and I am not really sure how to articulate. Has anyone who doesn’t want children ever felt sadness for that? I have been having pangs of sadness that I will never be pregnant. Never have that experience of doing a pregnancy test. I do not want kids and I cannot fathom these feelings yet they are there. I feel like I am missing out on part of being woman. Yet I am also 110% sure I do not want children.

No, not at all.

I'm very happy with my life but also happy that I never wanted children as the whole conceiving, pregnancy, childbirth, looking after babies etc looks like a nightmare!

Do you mind me asking what sort of age you are?

I have 3 but I'm wondering for women who have not had children, if they get closer to the menopause if there's a kind of biological alarm going off before it's too late.

....yet we'll all wonder what would happen if.

I really miss my old life as I worked and travelled abroad a lot. I couldn't do any of that once I started having kids. I love them of course but I do feel like my wings have been chopped off as you just don't have the same freedom and wonder where I'd be today if I'd not had any.

If you don't want kids, be at peace with yourself for that. You are no less of a woman than any mother and you are more of a woman than many who chose to have kids but shouldn't have.

Not for me, I don't like children so never felt remotely sad about not wanting them.

I never wanted children and never saw them as an option for me. I’m just not a mum, I’m me.

When I was first married though, in my early thirties and surrounded by babies (I was an expat in a bedroom community in a Catholic country, which was probably the worst place I could have ended up) I was so devastated by the feeling of being different that eventually I became housebound and went to a counsellor, who thought that having a baby was the obvious answer.

Strangely, although I was very distressed I never for one second wanted a child. I’m now 52 and in peri and any feeling of fomo has gone now. The grandchildren talk has started but I’m just bored by that. I found it a great help to move to the country and concentrate on having the childfree life I really wanted.

I have a vague idea that it's probably quite nice to have a grown child, and a close tie with one which you've developed through raising this child well for many years. I have a very good relationship with my mother and in theory, it might be fulfilling to have a daughter to have a good relationship with in turn.

However, the idea of pregnancy has been repellent to me since I was young, I don't like men and don't want to sleep with one, and don't enjoy spending prolonged time with children. For these good reasons, I have ever intended to have a child.

@Cityandmakeup
I don't know how old or young you are but if it happens please don't just do it because you feel you should.
Don't feel manipulated by societal norms.
Be yourself
Have a great time 😊 😎

No. I never wanted children and certainly never wanted to be pregnant. Not one regret. I now see friends spending so much time looking after grandkids and all I can think is "thank goodness that's not me!"

I think it’s very normal to occasionally look at someone whose life is completely different to yours and think it looks nice. If those feelings happen very frequently though, it might be something you need to talk through.

I decided when I was 15 that I never wanted children and stuck to it. Approaching 70 now and I've spent the grand total of about half an hour in all those years wondering about how different my life would be if I'd had them (I hope I'd have made a better choice of OH than I actually did, for a start). I was utterly repelled by the process of being pregnant and giving birth, and I have the utmost respect for mothers - they do a damned difficult job (another reason I knew it wasn't for me).

Never felt the pangs of sadness for any part of the process, just relief that I made the right decision for me.

Yes I completely relate to this.

I often find myself day dreaming of scenarios where I am different and capable of being a mum, I day dream of baby names and I like looking up parenting styles and browsing forums or advice boards now and then. I daydream about what our house would be like, Christmas morning, fun activities, surprising people with my pregnancy, buying baby clothes… I don’t want kids!! For me it’s more about wishing I was a ‘different person’, I suppose. Some of it is societal too, wanting to look ‘accomplished’ in the traditional sense if people from school saw me. It’s complete fantasy as I know for certain if I had a child I’d be in bits and not swanning around town with a blowdry looking slimmer than ever with a cute baby on my hip.

I also find that I can’t speak to anyone about this in real life, as it will end up being ‘you want a baby, you’ll realise that and have one!!!’

I'm nearly 50 and have never wanted children. However, I feel sad that I've never had 'exciting news' to share or for everyone to gushingly ask how I am or to be 'thrilled' for me. My achievements are always very minor in comparison. I also feel like the spare part at family gatherings as though I haven't quite grown up because I don't have a 'proper family'.

I think it’s natural to feel mildly wistful about roads not travelled, even when you know perfectly well you don’t actually want to go down that road.

And I think it’s nonsense for people to imply that the ‘properly’ childfree shouldn’t have the remotest grief/uncertainty about their decision, just as it’s silly to think that no one who isn’t 100% sure about having a child shouldn’t have one. Emotions are seldom ‘pure’.

I can very much relate to this!

And I get pangs of fear of being alone. I care for my mother at the minute and at times I get the thought that one day she will be gone and it will be just me, alone and do I know HOW to be alone...

This is exactly how I feel although did originally want children, couldn’t conceive and made my peace with that. I feel sad I was never able to announce a pregnancy and have people make a fuss of me and make me feel special. And yes other achievements/ exciting things are just not the same. Also yes to the family gatherings - I’m the only one of my generation of my extended family not to have had kids.

No sadness here, just pure unadulterated selfish joy that I can live my life on my own terms and not worry about children to the end of my days.

I like kids (mostly), but when out and about with family and friends with their kids - well that cements it for me. I couldn't cope with the endless grind of looking after and raising them TBH.

I know that comes across as me being very self centred and all that, but I am true to myself. I love my nieces and nephews to bits, but I am glad they are not MY children just the same.

Life is wonderful for me, I never regretted my decision. There are no guarantees about kids "looking after me in old age", or that the kids won't get sick with awful life limiting illnesses, or that they won't go off the rails, take drugs, turn criminal and all the horrible scenarios that do happen.

And most of all, I am doing my bit to save the planet. No children by choice women of the world unite I say!

Thirding this. I have never regretted not having kids but there is so much societal celebration of pregnancy and birth and I feel sad sometimes at having missed out on that. Same with marriage - I'm not married, I don't regret not being married, but I do feel sad at not having had that excitement and specialness.

I was the opposite. I wasn't interested in children for many years. My DH was the same. We both sort of hated children, as horrible as that is to admit.

I started to feel more maternal at age 32 and 33 and then at 34 decided we wanted to have children. IVF ICSI, several thousands of pounds, 2.5 years, 3 early losses and a nasty MMC later, I'm starting to think that maybe children aren't in our future. Sadly.

However, we're going to continue trying naturally, transfer my last remaining frosty and continue trying naturally, and get more testing/investigations done until we can't possibly try anymore because we don't want any regrets hanging over us until we die.

The planet will be fine, it's the humans living on it that are screwed.

Life is wonderful for me, I never regretted my decision. There are no guarantees about kids "looking after me in old age", or that the kids won't get sick with awful life limiting illnesses, or that they won't go off the rails, take drugs, turn criminal and all the horrible scenarios that do happen

Plenty of posts on MN about 'GP don't help with the DC, let's see how they like it when THEY need help!' to realise that help from the DC in old age is by no means a given.

I have never regretted it either. Life has no guarantees whatseover (apart from death, taxes and sport taking over the BBC whenever there's a big event).

Never been sad. Pushing 40 and still very comfortable with my decision.

Not to mention all the charming "who will wipe your arse when you get old and incontinent?" lines thrown at anyone on here who doesn't want to have children or worse. Well, I've recently finished seven years as my mother's carer, which did NOT involve arse-wiping although it did involve washing commodes, and I would absolutely not ask that of any family member. It's work for those who choose to do it and are paid (albeit inadequately) to do it. I'm just glad to be in Australia where we have reasonably good provision for aged care, at least in our cities.

My mother went into care so her DCs wouldn't have to do what she did for her DM for years because DGM was adamant that she wasn't being 'dumped in a care home.' The fact that GM was a 24 hour a day care job and my DM had no life because of it for years eluded the narcissistic old harridan - not that she'd have cared.

So good to see so many strong characters who don't feel they have to conform. In my opinion it also brings you more freedom in your 50's/60's as you never, ever stop worrying about them even when they're adults.

This is how I feel. It’s weird! I know 10000% I don’t want kids. But there is still a feeling if what if… I cannot articulate.

I think this how I feel some pangs. I never got to share ‘that news’. Have a positive test. I don’t want it I just feel sadness that I don’t/will never get to feel that.

I hope it's ok to comment- I do have a child, but I don't want a second and I resonate with your feeling of sadness for not wanting something. Everyone seems to think it's weird to stick with one and I feel guilty about it, and sad, that I just can't face pregnancy, labour and early years again.

It's different I realise, but I certainly relate to that feeling of being sad for not wanting something.