How to cope when everyone else has children and their own 'family'

[sadsister23]

It's looking like I may not be able to have children even though I want them. I am 34 this year and have hypothalamic amenhorrea which, despite me stopping exercise and eating more, is not resolving itself.

Coming to the realisation that I may not have my own family is hitting me hard. Of course I am part of a family ie I have my partner and my mum, dad and brother but the idea I won't have a family of my own ie children is really hard for me to accept.

I am studying at the moment and was on placement this week in a family centre. Seeing all these mums so happy with their babies was really painful for me. The nature of the work meant that people were talking about families the whole time and everyone who worked there had kids of their own. I had nothing to contribute to these conversations.

My mum is visiting my grandparents this week and she was sending me pics of all the things my granny has kept that I made her when I was little - cards, bracelets, that kind of thing. It just made me so sad that my mum may not be able to do that for any child I have.

How do you cope in situations like this? The sadness is excruciating.

@PassingStranger I don't think there is any similarity in wanting children and wanting to be a millionaire. I wanted both but one was painful and the other a mild disappointment.

This is true, but it’s not something I was able to process until I was much further along on my journey of acceptance. It’s not helpful to say to someone still in the early stages of grief and pain.

Yes, but every one of them knew this and went on to throw the dice anyway. They wanted them enough to take the risk. Now imagine feeling like that, and being unable to. That's a different kind of pain, and one which takes its own form of healing.

Being reminded that it's not all roses by someone who has what you desperately want is not helpful.

@fitzwilliamdarcy thank you for your compassion 

@PassingStranger spoken only by someone who clearly doesn't understand the pain and grief of coming to terms with a childless life. As a pp said, wanting children and wanting to be a millionaire are not at all comparable. I want to be a millionaire but can cope with not being one. Wanting children and not being able to have them is another thing entirely. The world is made for families - celebrations such as Easter, Christmas and birthdays revolve around families. Many holidays, restaurants and events are focused on families. Most people have families. The same is not true of millionaires.

@PassingStranger and to your point that not all children are healthy and some go off the rails, I know this - I have worked for children's services and I am training to be a social worker. The desire to have children is primal for me, it defies reason and logic.

Hi OP, I am also trying to face the reality that I might never have kids of my own. Here is a quote from a book I am currently reading:

"What I don't have in baby-powdered cuddles, a house to decorate and the security of a life partner, she [the has-it-all-woman] doesn't have in freedom and a lack of responsibility. Each lifestyle comes with its pros and cons"

The book is about choosing to be single, but it is tied into the wider issue of missing out on a family of one's own. I know it might not necessarily be comforting right now, but you are not alone and however your life turns out, there will be something to envy from the outside looking in. Like me, you have a mum, dad and a brother - they are our family and that is just as valid as those mothers of babies. Even more so you have a loving partner, that is more than many can say. There are many ways you can mother in your life without being the biological parent of one too. 💐

Also like PP suggestion of getting a dog, I've found mine have introduced many new friends and interactions into my life X

@waitingforautumn thank you for this ❤️I really do need to come round to your way of thinking because my current despair is really taking its toll on both me and my partner. I seem to be ok for a few days and then I go back to crying all the time and being hyper aware of small children/pregnant women. I know I can't go on like this but it's just so hard.

I hear you lovely. Whatever you can do to convince your mind you are not lacking will help flip it. Look for the glimmers and everything else there is to live for. What advice would you give to a friend you thought was fantastic, who was secretly in your shoes, with independence and a partner and an otherwise interesting life? Lots of love xx

Oh OP. I know this thread is a bit old now but I wanted to say that you’re not alone. I’m similar in age and situation to you. All my friends have kids - I’m the only one without and can’t have them. It sucks.
PPs have suggested finding childfree friends - whilst they are rare (I’m yet to find one!) it probably is the best in the long term. You need friends who are at a similar life stage to you - they don’t need to be the same age or gender or anything else but you need to both be able to invest the same amount into the friendship and have similar needs (and interests, values etc). what I’ve found with friends with kids is that they disappear as they want mum friends to have play dates with - I don’t meet their needs anymore (it really hurts).

is there a local young ramblers group where you live? A lot of those tend to be folk without kids as they have weekends free to go walking (and kids aren’t allowed on the walks!).

none of this is easy and I really wish you the best.

@Goldiefinch I'm so sorry you are in a similar position - it is the most lonely thing I have ever known and no one in my life appears to understand.

You are right about the need to find childfree friends. What I hadn't considered is that they could be of another age or gender. Maybe I should start befriending older women whose kids are teenagers/grown up. It REALLY hurts to no longer be important in your friends' lives because they have children. I do understand it but it doesn't make it any less upsetting.

I don't know about a ramblers' group but I will definitely look into it. You sound like such a lovely person. You don't live anywhere near Herts/London, do you? You sound exactly like the kind of friend I need!

Aww I’m all the way up north in Yorkshire I’m afraid - otherwise I’m always on the hunt for childfree mates! DM me if you ever want to talk :-) you also sound very lovely - and I think it’s very brave of you to start this thread and speak so openly - lots of people are also in similar situation and really appreciate it. Im sure you’re a great friend - your friends are just preoccupied at the mo.

the closest friend I have at the mo is in her 70s - I’m 36! We have a lot in common and are very similar apart from the age difference. The other people I seem to hang with now are plot holders at my allotment - mainly retired folk but we all have a common interest which brings us together and it is a community. But I do think I need to make childfree friends my own age too - the retired folk don’t get half the 90s/ 00s childhood and teenage references I bring up!
there might be a young ramblers group on here (age range usually 20s to 30s). Some groups do socials (cinema, drinks etc) and weekends away as well as the weekend and evening walks of different lengths and abilities. https://www.ramblers.org.uk/go-walking/ramblers-groups

@sadsister23 @Goldiefinch I am in a similar situation and am a similar age. It's so tough. I absolutely get what you are going through. Have you tried Bumble BFF? I have made a good friend (without children) through it.

Hi I know this is a bit old but I just wanted to say you are still young. You have another 10 years of good fertility in you, don't give up on your dreams. I know a surprising amount of women who were told they would never have children and went on to have them naturally. Also know a few who tried for years and never had them and no doctor could tell them why. Would you could consider alternative medicine? Auyervedic, acupuncture or something like that? I don't mean to brush your concerns aside. I had a taste of what you are talking about when in my 30s when everyone including my little sister was pregnant and I felt so sad and depressed as it hasn't happened for me and trying to put on a brave face and be happy and pretend that I didn't know they pitied me was so hard. In the end I did go on to have children but I will never forget thst phase of life and how it felt and I never ask other women if they have children as I understand how painful it can be. Anyway - I wish you the best of luck and hope your dream of motherhood comes true, try and stay positive and draw strength from your partner and be strong for him too. X

@sunflowrsngunpowdr sorry but you don’t know the reason why I’m infertile. You shouldn’t give unsolicited advice like that or make assumptions about the reasons why someone might have fertility issues. It’s really insensitive and upsetting. We all know how to Google - if there were treatments out there that would help we would have found them - we’re on here to connect with others in similar situations.

That's a bit harsh Goldiefinch. I think the poster was responding to the original post not yours. It's OK to hold on to hope particularly in the ops position where her fertility can turn around.

I’m sorry OP this is causing you this much pain. I am childfree…I did choose to be and have little family outside my partner and MIL. But I’ve got friends of different ages, concentrated on my career and had a successful one. I published books, did charitable work, hobbies. I just retired, and whilst some of my friends talk about their grandchildren, we talk about all sorts of other things too. Basically, I just ploughed ahead with the life I had, tried not to have many regrets and now have real freedom. It is totally possible to have a great life and not have children. It really is. Sending you all the best.

@Goldiefinch okay... my comment was not directed at you 🤔

I get that you mean well but
a) there’s a huge difference between being happily childfree by choice and wanting children but not being able to have them.

b) why do you think we don’t still have financial and emotional responsibilities?

It is possible to be childless not by choice and happy, or at least at peace with it. It”s taken me a while to get to this point but honestly I am. And I have friends who are too.

@verdibird Really inspiring to hear how you have / are making the most of life! I have no children and little other family too, and right now I am so worried about my future.

Would you mind sharing a little more about what you have done to make friends of all ages? Obviously no pressure if you would rather not though! Thank you.

Was wondering if I should post again as I do have DC. But @Strawberriesandpears I have many childfree friends. In fact my closest friends are childfree. I usually have common interests with them and zero desire to talk about my DC. Some are friends of over 20 years. Not all childfree women rush to dump their friends when they have DC, though perhaps too many do.

I met them at work, in book clubs, walking groups, sports and volunteering. Could you try these? Also don't rule out older or younger friends. Some of my closest friends are a decade or two younger.

I agree with this. My emotional and financial responsibilities as a single person are difficult!

You have a curable health condition that's causing temporary infertility.

When you say you are a healthy weight, what is your bmi?

Your body will take time to heal from being underweight.

It's really important you are physically and mentally robust enough before pregnancy.

Doing a stressful job probably isn't helping. Could you take a year out?

@Goldiefinch thank you for the offer of DMs, I may well take you up on that! And please do also feel free to DM me anytime. It's so nice to speak to someone who understands. I ldove that you have a close friend in her 70s! How did you meet her? I do have one older friend and I really enjoy the fact that she can pass her wisdom onto me. I'd like to meet more older people. I will definitely check out the ramblers' groups, thank you so much for the suggestion 😊

@Strawberriesandpears I did try bumble bff a couple of years ago and have made a couple of 'fun' friends through it. I miss the friendships I once had with my old friends who have moved on with their lives - the friendships that had depth developed over years. Trying bumble bff again isn't a bad shout though. I'm sorry you're in a similar position, it really is very difficult.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr thank you, I really don't feel young anymore since all the stuff I see online is about 35 being a cut off for having children. I know women have babies later in life but they seem to be the exception rather than the rule and that does scare me. I am a little sceptical of alternative medicine but I guess it can't hurt! Do you think it worked for you? Thank you for your empathy, I'm really glad you got your family in the end.

@verdibird it sounds like you've had an amazing childfree life! Thank you for showing me an alternative perspective.

@KimberleyClark how did you get to that point? Every time I see a pregnant woman or someone with a baby/young child I feel very sad.

@Lentilweaver you are right that a lot of women rush to dump their childfree friends when they have kids! It is a shame and a shock. I definitely need to get out there more and see if i can meet new people. I do find it harder to meet people now as I am older and people already have their established friends and don't seem to want/need any more.

@Carebearsonmybed it may be a temporary health condition but no doctor will help me with it and I don't really know what else to do to try to resolve it. My BMI is currently 20.8 - the highest I have been in 21 years. I absolutely agree that I need to be mentally and physically robust if I am ever going to have a child and I am the best I have ever been in this respect although I imagine it will always be a work in progress. At the moment I am doing a full time postgrad diploma but I am achieving well and not too stressed about the work itself - the stress in my life currently comes from the sadness of not being able to have my own family, the loneliness due to friends moving on with their lives and the abject frustration that my body will not cooperate.

@KimberleyClark how did you get to that point? Every time I see a pregnant woman or someone with a baby/young child I feel very sad.

A cliche, , but time and concentrating on what I did have. I’m in a different position to you as I did have an opportunity to try for a baby, had IVF and it didn’t work, so I had something to draw a line under and move on. I recognise you are not in that position and my heart goes out to you.