How to cope when everyone else has children and their own 'family'

[sadsister23]

It's looking like I may not be able to have children even though I want them. I am 34 this year and have hypothalamic amenhorrea which, despite me stopping exercise and eating more, is not resolving itself.

Coming to the realisation that I may not have my own family is hitting me hard. Of course I am part of a family ie I have my partner and my mum, dad and brother but the idea I won't have a family of my own ie children is really hard for me to accept.

I am studying at the moment and was on placement this week in a family centre. Seeing all these mums so happy with their babies was really painful for me. The nature of the work meant that people were talking about families the whole time and everyone who worked there had kids of their own. I had nothing to contribute to these conversations.

My mum is visiting my grandparents this week and she was sending me pics of all the things my granny has kept that I made her when I was little - cards, bracelets, that kind of thing. It just made me so sad that my mum may not be able to do that for any child I have.

How do you cope in situations like this? The sadness is excruciating.

Lots of unhelpful posts on this thread, I'm guessing mainly from posters who actually have their own biological children. Do you think OP has never heard of adoption?

It wasn't long before the 'can't you just adopt' posts appear - as if adoption is a case of rocking up at the childrens' home and saying 'I'll have that one, please.' Ignoring the OP's very obvious grief at the likelihood of not having her own children as the thing that she's grappling with right now and it all being, as one poster said, very raw and new.

@sadsister23 I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Can I recommend you read some of Elizabeth Day's writing? She's recently been on a journey of accepting that she won't have kids and embracing a life that she hadn't envisaged in all its joy and beauty. I can't speak to that personally- but I do want to share a hopefully reassuring anecdote about friendship.

I went through an extended period of infertility and then IVF with a dear friend. I eventually ended up having 3 children, my friend didn't have any. Then her relationship ended too.

There was a period in the thick of my baby years where we didn't see as much as each other, because it was very painful for her to be around small children and logistically close to impossible for me to be without them.

However we stayed in contact in a largely online way then and had twice a year big lunches. Now my kids are a bit older, we see each other more.

We have interests in common (books, food) that means it's easy and natural for us to not talk about children much. We've supported each other through relationship difficulties, career crossroads, and worst of all, the time when skinny jeans went out of fashion (RIP) and we both had dubious experiments with cropped flares.

It may be the case in 10 years you find that you transitioned to friendships of people without children, or that you have your same friends, or hopefully, meaningful relationships with both sets of people. I don't think you need to be fearful though right now of not only losing the future you thought you had but also the people you currently love. One step at a time.

Op, I have been through many years of pregnancy loss and IVF - I don't have any living children and am coming to the realisation that I may never happen - so your post really resonates with me.

The hardest part about finding friends without children is that they seem few and far between when you're in your 30s!

I'm not sure if your friends know about your situation but I personally found it better once my friends knew about mine. Before they knew I'd find myself trying to participate in their conversations (eg moving house, challenges with the kids etc) but there was always a patronising undertone of "you don't have kids so you don't know" to their replies and a continuous assumption that my life was easy, I couldn't possibly be tired etc etc. But now they know my situation I think they're much more considered in their responses to me and I've found it easier to socialise with them again.

I don't have the answer as I am still struggling with much of this myself but I am trying to keep reminding myself of the things I do have to be grateful for. For example, trying to plan things with my parents while I still have them in my life. Also, the more people who gradually know about my circumstances the more I seem to keep hearing of stories of marriages on the rocks because of challenges of day to day life with kids - it's making me remember there are challenges on both sides and I'm grateful for my marriage, and our life that we have built together so far.

I also think focusing on a hobby helps.

Sending love

In my 30s, I found myself gravitating towards women a bit older than me, whose children had either left home or were late teens and independent, so they could come out in the evenings and so on.

OP I really do feel your pain 😔
I desperately wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted the whole wholesome setup, of babies, baking, roses round the door.
No other ambition really. No interest in a career. But I unfortunately suffered adolescent trauma, which led to a lifetime of fairly crippling mental health struggles, poverty and an inability to have successful relationships with men. I've been celibate most of my life. I am now menopausal. I desperately tried to sort my life out in time. But too much was against me. The anguish and grief I feel is unbearable at times. I've dissociated somewhat, and often feel like an observer rather than a partaker (of life), and struggle to feel enthusiastic about much at times.
But, one thing that really helps is to put my motherly desires to good use in other ways. I'm an animal lover, and love to nurture animals. That really helps. Family comes in different shapes and sizes.
In terms of other families - yeah, it can really hurt. I'm actually genuinely very happy for those who got their wish of motherhood. I am maternal generally, and love being an auntie, and honourary auntie to my friends' kids. But sometimes when I see mums and babies I feel my own loss most acutely. Depends on the day I'm having.
You're still young OP. Lots of life ahead. I wish you so much joy and peace

Can you focus on being a great Aunty to your friends children instead? My mums sister is single, and child free and like my second mum. I am also this type of Aunty with my own nephews and neices. And I don't want to sound patronising at all, but it's the best bits without all the shitty parts.

I am really sorry, OP, and also sorry that you have to come into contact with new mums on your study. I usually do not comment in this forum because I do have DC.

However, is there any possibility of making friends with older women? I am in my fifties and have a lot of child-friends in their mid thirties. I am not interested in talking about my grown up DC; I have had enough of that and prefer to talk about our common interests. Many women in their forties and fifties feel the same way, I think, as we have had our fill of domesticity and are now rediscovering ourselves! I don't think age is a bar if you have other things in common. We met in hobby groups like book clubs, choir, sports, and also at work.

I am not saying this is a substitute for DC if you really wanted them. Just a way to feel more connected.

The idea of distancing myself from them and finding new friends without children (how??) at this age feels daunting and sad.

I am nearly 52 and still making new friends. ( and as I said, I have DC but I still want friends) I work very hard at it, and have had some success.

OP I don't have a lot to add, but I am in a similar situation. After years of fertility treatment, I'm beginning to wonder if it will happen, but struggling to accept that it might not. Thanks for starting the thread.

I am lucky that I have lots of friends who have chosen to be childfree. I also have lots of friends with children, which is hard at times. I haven't found any way to make that less hard, because I want to maintain the friendships, and I do love their kids as well. It just is hard and it's something I have to deal with.

I am just trying to focus on making the best of my life really, whatever it turns out to be. If I don't have children I know I will have a lot more time for hobbies and friends, and a lot more money!

I know this was well intended, but this really isn't the same as having your own children.

DD is single and childless. She is a very good auntie and close to nieces/nephew. She has a strong group of female friends who are all single and childless and she has an active social life. She doesn’t have a partner - her choice after several bad experiences - but she is happy and enjoys life. I’m sorry that you are finding life so difficult at the moment.

@sadsister23 hi hen, your post is trending so people may comment just assuming it's in aibu and you might get some daft comments.

I didn't want to read and run and I have really nothing useful to say, however I would be so upset if I was hurting a child free friend. I'm not sure people are aware they're doing at times, but I think you deserve more sensitive pals and your pals need a bit more awareness here.

I hope your sadness lifts and things improve for you. And definitely making child free friends sounds like a plan, other friends to have a great time with that can do more fun stuff anyway, holidays, decent nights out that don't end at 9pm! 💐

I just want to thank everyone who has replied for being so kind and understanding. I have been in tears reading your responses.

Those who say I could become an 'auntie' type figure to friends' children - I'd like that but my friends who already have children don't seem keen for me to look after or spend time with them because I don't have children of my own so I haven't got that experience, which I do understand.

I just wonder what the point in my life is now. I don't want my sole purpose and the only thing I have to talk about to be work but that's kind of all I've got now. I have no other real purpose.

You will fill your life with nice things and people once the grief subsides and you realise that life has meaning even without kids. I mean like, many of us here are proof of that

@Sauerkrautsandwich sorry, I didn't mean that the lives of all people without children are purposeless, just that mine feels like that. I thought I had said that earlier in the thread. All I have is friends who are pregnant/having children and therefore our lives are going in different directions, and my work. It feels very empty.

No I get you. That's why I said when the grief subsides. You will find your way

I feel exactly the same about my life being empty and pointless. I too just have work (and my career is a joke so it's not even like I can lose myself in some amazing career success story).

All my colleagues have families except me and they obviously know that I don't. It makes me feel so ashamed that everyone knows I'm an unlovable childless loser.

When work is stressful my colleagues always say to each other that "it's just work, it pays the bills to have your personal life, focus on your family". And I just think how monumentally pointless my existence is.

I tried making older friends except now their kids are having early career successes, buying first homes, getting married and having their own kids. All of which is obviously a big part of my friends' lives and things they are excited about and want to share. I'm happy for them but it just feels heartbreaking and devastating all over again to be watching them take such joy from this next life stage that I will also never experience.

It's so isolating missing all these "normal" milestones and life stages. I feel like I am always the odd one out who can't join in with conversations properly because I don't have my own family to talk about.

I lost both my parents in my twenties and the grief of that has never gone away. I see no signs the grief of this will ever go away either - it's not even one loss in the past, it's a succession of losses at every stage of my life.

Sorry I don't have any solutions, I just wanted to say I understand what you mean about feeling life is empty and that you're not alone in that.

@histnamer I am so sorry that you are feeling similarly. I am the same with my work - it is a career but not a high flying one so it's not like people can say 'oh she was too busy being successful to have a family'. I know the loneliness and the heartache you are feeling and if you ever need to chat, please DM me. You're not alone, even though it can feel like that. Sending you lots of unmumsnetty hugs

All my colleagues have families except me and they obviously know that I don't. It makes me feel so ashamed that everyone knows I'm an unlovable childless loser.

I hestitate to post on this thread because I do have DC and I can't tell you how to feel. But I absolutely do not think of my many childless friends as losers or to be pitied.

Is it at all possible to hint that you don't want to constantly talk about your friends' DC? I never talk about my grown up DC to anyone; maybe a quick one minute update. I talk about them to my sister and mum. the only ones who are really interested. Other people's DC are so boring! We talk about stuff like books, TV, music, work, travel, politics ( a bit)....

Well, I didn't mean to say childless, as some of my friends are happily child free.

Honestly, I know it's not a popular opinion but I feel the same. Sure, there's other things I fill my life with - but they're things I do because I happen to be here on this earth. They're not things that give my life meaning, it isn't possible for me to do that. Humans are animals genetically programmed to find a mate and reproduce, just like all other animals. It's what the majority do and when you don't fit in with the majority, you're on the outside. Maybe some don't mind or are able to find meaning in other ways. Maybe some choose it for themselves. I have fun, have friends, pets but no partner, no children, no family. The only upside I've found to realising that life is pointless, is realising that means I can do anything with it - because it doesn't matter. One day when I'm long dead nobody will care what I did for a hobby, what job I had, where I lived or what I owned. None of it matters. I'm not responsible for anyone else, I don't need to look after anyone else and nobody will look after me. It does feel pretty bleak at times. There is a freedom in being able to do whatever I want though, go wherever I want, shape my life without considering other people. No compromising. That's a major plus.

histnamer you have summed it up perfectly. People's lives are weaved around families, either the ones they're born into or the ones they create. When you don't have that it does feel very isolating.

@sadsister23 I agree with

@innerdesign"I'd at least go back to the GP and ask for a second opinion. I understand it's exhausting though, it sounds like you've been let down by your doctors."

Has your GP referred you to an endocrinologist minimally?

Would you be able to further explore your diagnosis to achieve more positive solutions? 🌻

This is an older article but has useful insights

https://endocrinenews.endocrine.org/no-easy-answers-new-hypothalamic-amenorrhea-treatment-guidelines/

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way op. In my opinion there’s far too much talk about family making life worth while and nothing else being as fulfilling. Usually aimed at women and on social media. Your life is as worthwhile and purposeful as anyone else’s, whatever you do with your time. I hope you get your family, however it’s made.

I agree. I find the build up to Mothers Day and International Women's Day can be particularly bad for this kind of narrative.