How to cope when everyone else has children and their own 'family'

[sadsister23]

It's looking like I may not be able to have children even though I want them. I am 34 this year and have hypothalamic amenhorrea which, despite me stopping exercise and eating more, is not resolving itself.

Coming to the realisation that I may not have my own family is hitting me hard. Of course I am part of a family ie I have my partner and my mum, dad and brother but the idea I won't have a family of my own ie children is really hard for me to accept.

I am studying at the moment and was on placement this week in a family centre. Seeing all these mums so happy with their babies was really painful for me. The nature of the work meant that people were talking about families the whole time and everyone who worked there had kids of their own. I had nothing to contribute to these conversations.

My mum is visiting my grandparents this week and she was sending me pics of all the things my granny has kept that I made her when I was little - cards, bracelets, that kind of thing. It just made me so sad that my mum may not be able to do that for any child I have.

How do you cope in situations like this? The sadness is excruciating.

@sadsister23 A lot of posters are talking about family.
Please can I post out that ‘family’ comes in lots of different shapes and sizes?. But the commonality to all types is choice. You choose who your family are. Granted you have had one component of ‘a family’ denied to you, but you can choose and be chosen to be part of a slightly different makeup of family. You don’t have to have a ‘meaningless or pointless’ life.
Once you can start to look up and out at the world again you things will turn a corner.

Currently you just need to find your way through grief of what you have lost. Eventually you will find a path through to something different that will (hopefully) bring you peace and laughter. It doesn’t happen overnight, it does take time, and a lot of it.

@beetr00 I did see an endocrinologist who said my ovaries could be in necrosis (which is not something that can happen with HA) so I have asked to be referred to another one but I don't have much faith in them after that experience. I paid £400 to a have a mini fertility at a fertility clinic and was misdiagnosed with PCOS. I could pay to see other people but I am a student on a tiny bursary so it's not really possible at the moment. Thank you for the article though, I will definitely take a look at it.

@TraitorsArdross @fitzwilliamdarcy thank you I'm sure the fact that Mother's Day is coming up isn't helping my state of mind.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 I really like the idea of choosing my own family, but how do I just add myself onto someone else's family? Everyone around me has their nice little neat families and they don't need me encroaching. I will always be an outsider.

I do hope that things get better over time, as you say. Thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to reply on here.

@sadsister23 well families come in all sizes and shapes. It’s not about adding yourself to a traditional nuclear family - although that can happen. It’s about making yourself a new, differently shaped family. It could contain people whom you are related to, or not. It will happen when you are least expecting it, and when the time is right. It might yet contain your current best friend, or a co worker, or somebody who moves in nextdoor, or someone from an activity you meet or all of them. You won’t always be the outsider, you will find your place with other people. There seems to be a ‘gravitational force’ at play and similar people do eventually find other similar people. (I say that as a diehard introvert).
Things do get better over time. My favourite phrase which I repeat in my head in bad times is “this too will pass”. Wether we like it or not time marches on, what is raw and fresh today, will be old and tough like aged wood in ten years time. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now. It’s tough, but you are made of sterner stuff and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You say you are studying at the moment. Perhaps concentrate on that for the moment and just take it one day at a time.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 unfortunately I'm studying social work so everything is about children and families unfortunately - even in adult services the focus is on what the family can do to help so every day is a reminder of what I can't have. I wouldn't have applied for the course if I'd known I wasn't going to be able to have children and I have regrets now but I need to keep pushing on. As you say, I just need to put one foot in front of the other.

I just had a little cry about the kindness of your message. I have screenshotted it to remind myself that I (hopefully!) won't always feel like this and that things will change. I am so grateful for your comforting words and I admire you for the positive attitude you seem to take to life. I hope I can be like you in years to come

@sadsister23 I can’t really advise on the career front. I work in a school - with children from 4-18 years old. I (selfishly?) admit I adore it. I also love going home to a child free home and lots of peace and a few cats! But I will also say I don’t know that I could have done the same job 30 years ago when we realised children just weren’t going to happen. Only you know if you can still do whatever you need to do in your chosen field. I suspect that not only can you do so, but you will also work that bit harder, and go the extra mile every single time as you view those families as needing that extra something, that you would have given to your own family. So don’t give up, don’t have regrets (they are a waste of time anyway) and keep on learning to be the best you can be.

I understand this is not the same as having your own biological children, but would you consider being a foster parent? I was fostered myself as a teen after my mum died and my dad locked me out of the house (he had bipolar). Many children are in desperate need of stability as you know. I'm sure this is too soon to consider but there are ways to be a loving parent figure to a child. As a social worker I am sure you are very aware of those circumstances. I don't mean this in anyway to dismiss your very real grief and pain.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you for your posts about finding 'family' outside of the traditional nuclear set up. Am I right in thinking that you have said in another post on a different thread that you are an only child? I am too, and am struggling so much with the thought of future loneliness. Would you mind sharing how you have managed to make connections in your life, please?

I have children, so it's easy for me to say but...

Honestly, there is a fulfilling and free life without children. I've got friends who are living their best lives childless while everyone else is burdened with financial and emotional responsibilities.

@Strawberriesandpears i have an estranged older sister ( may well be dead by now, haven’t had contact for well over 30 years and no other family alive).

I have gone out and joined interesting groups/clubs and met people that way. Basically give something new a whirl. I’ve joined women’s institutes wherever we have moved - they also tend to have lots of splinter interesting groups. I’ve joined craft groups, bell ringing groups, did dog agility, owned dogs and met so many people that way who became friends, I go swimming and aqua aerobics. Taken up several instruments and play in various groups. Even took up writing to pen pals. All of them lead to finding new friends.
I work which has also helped cultivate some friends, although those friendships tend to last only whilst at the same place of employment.
By nature I am an introvert, and really value and enjoy being just me, happy to holiday alone etc, even though I have a Dh!, but friendship does make life easier and makes me appreciate my solo time, rather than making me feel lonely ( I may have written that clumsily, but hope you get the right inference!). I don’t rely on any one of them, but it’s nice to leave the house and get to chat to other people and share an interest.
Yes it is hard to make new friends, to step through that door into a room full of unknown strangers, but the thing about groups and clubs is that they exist because people want to find like minded people - so they will welcome you, and once you’ve said hello, conversation will flow and they are no longer strangers. But you do need to make the first step through that door. I just bear in mind that if I don’t enjoy the group, I can always not go back the next session - it somehow makes that first step easier knowing I have ‘allowed’ myself to just say ‘sorry not for me’ rather than feeling that because I went once I automatically have to keep going! (Daft - but I still hear my mother saying that I had to keep
going to this or that club because I had made a commitment by going once! Even if I was crying my eyes out not wanting to go).
I do opt for a mix of groups which are weekly and monthly and all year round,

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you so much for sharing that. It gives me real hope.

I do have a lot of interests and hobbies I could build friendships through. I like art, photography, I am quite musical (play one instrument currently) and I like nature / conservation - that kind of thing.

May I ask, have you managed to make friends of a variety of ages? Also, do your friends feel sort of like 'family' to you?

Thank you again.

Most people are burdened with financial and emotional responsibilities.

Yes I love being childfree, I don't have to pay a mortgage or council tax or energy bills, and I never feel sad or suffer bereavements or anything..! Oh wait, no I also have financial and emotional responsibilities, doik

@Strawberriesandpears yes, I have friends from all age groups, it would be fair to say the majority are over 50 though and closer to my own age. Spread equally between both men and women. Partly due to demands of families being less and thus they have more free time to spend as they please. Or maybe we just get more confident in doing what we want as opposed to what others think we should do?!
Family comes in all sorts of shape and configurations. Yes I do tend to think of them as family, and yes I tend to play a role they need - some consider me a ‘mum’ or ‘grandma’ figure and some I’m just an equal human being regardless of any age differences - if there are any.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you. That's lovely to hear. I would love to be a 'mum' or 'grandma' figure to someone, someday.

May I ask one final question please - do you feel confident that your friends would look out for you when you are older? I don't mean in terms of necessarily directly providing care, but that you feel you have people who love you and are interested in your wellbeing?

Thank you again.

@Strawberriesandpears as carers or invested in my well-being? - no definitively not and a good way to ruin a friendship. I wouldn’t want it or allow them too. Neither would I call on them to help in that fashion- it just isn’t in my nature/personality to consider asking anyone for help. Life has taught me to only ever rely on yourself unless you are paying someone for a service. Would they offer - yes, if they knew - which I will strive to make sure they never do. There is an old saying - friendship and business do not mix.
I am not saying I don’t accept favours from or do favours for friends. Favours are part of being good friends, eg both receiving and giving of lifts/caring for pets/ helping with bits and bobs etc.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you. I definitely didn't mean as carers. I meant more for favours. I would like to be part of a friendship group who could support one another with little things - like a lift to the doctors if you were ill. That is the kind of thing I was meaning.

Ah! That comes under the ‘favours both given and received’ part of friendship! @Strawberriesandpears although if it was me, given that hospital/dr appointments can take forever and never seem to run to time - I would opt to call a taxi whenever possible.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you. I certainly wouldn't expect a friend to act as a carer (neither would I my children if I had any). I have saving which I will use to pay for care. It's just the thought of being isolated with absolutely nobody that frightens me. Being all alone in the world with no connections. I hope I don't sound like a selfish person - I wish to give back too. I just want to find my place, my people and be part of a community that feels like a family.

@Strawberriesandpears and you will. But you do have to make that first step of going out to meet people. No one is going to knock on your door and say ‘hi! Want to be friends?’, nor is it likely that a friendship will grow out of a chance meeting in the supermarket. There has to be a grounding of communality to start a friendship. That might be a shared interest, being neighbours, or working together or volunteering. You don’t sound selfish at all. Fear can be healthy if it prompts you into positive action.
Wasn’t there a saying ‘feel the fear and do it anyway?’ Maybe apply that to going to a club/group and see what happens. The worst that will happen is that you don’t like it and then you don’t have to return - which frees you up to try some other group until you find where you ‘click’. Start with a group you have an interest in the subject matter already, as it will give you some confidence to step through that door.
i will guarantee that if you don’t try, absolutely nothing will change for you, and it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Thank you. I have already made a little bit of a start. I have been speaking to someone online who is in the same situation as me (only child, no children of her own). She attends a community choir, so I think I will go along to that with her.

@Strawberriesandpears brilliant choice! Go and have fun and keep on chatting and singing.

OP, I think you need to sit with the raw grief for now, rather than trying to find ways to dispel it just yet.

And, later on, don’t write off your friends with children. They may temporarily vanish into the small baby stage, but they re-emerge. I have a child, though I had never planned to, and had him long after my friends with children had theirs, but three of my closest friends are childfree, and both my sisters are. It doesn’t have to be something that eternally divides you, though I can entirely understand why you might want to expand your circles and meet more childfree women just now.

Best wishes. Be kind to yourself.

Children don't necessarily bring happiness.
What if they aren't born healthy for a start that's just one thing.
Then what if you have the pain of their death or their estrangement later in life.
What if they don't turn out like you expected and get into drugs or end up going to prison?
These are all things that people who are parents are experiencing.

Lots of people live with things they don't have.
I'd like to be a millionaire but I'm not.