How to cope when everyone else has children and their own 'family'

[sadsister23]

It's looking like I may not be able to have children even though I want them. I am 34 this year and have hypothalamic amenhorrea which, despite me stopping exercise and eating more, is not resolving itself.

Coming to the realisation that I may not have my own family is hitting me hard. Of course I am part of a family ie I have my partner and my mum, dad and brother but the idea I won't have a family of my own ie children is really hard for me to accept.

I am studying at the moment and was on placement this week in a family centre. Seeing all these mums so happy with their babies was really painful for me. The nature of the work meant that people were talking about families the whole time and everyone who worked there had kids of their own. I had nothing to contribute to these conversations.

My mum is visiting my grandparents this week and she was sending me pics of all the things my granny has kept that I made her when I was little - cards, bracelets, that kind of thing. It just made me so sad that my mum may not be able to do that for any child I have.

How do you cope in situations like this? The sadness is excruciating.

Honestly? I did it by stepping away from anything child orientated. Cut it out of my life.

There isn’t an easy answer to your question, because everyone has different situations and personalities.

I made a real point of making friends with other women who didn’t have children, for whatever reason. 15 years after I made that decision (I’m now 51), they are my closest friends. I also got involved in the bare minimum of child related things. I was around for god children’s birthdays, but I made sure I was out of the country at Xmas as I don’t have parents or siblings anymore either.

I am childfree, so I’m not in a position to advise OP, but as a childfree women I have a lot of childless friends who have said they made an effort to fill their life with childfree and childless friends because they find it easier to forge those friendships for various reasons, so I think this is good advice.

I'm CF by choice but I can understand this has come as a bit of a shock Op. You had a life plan and now that looks in doubt you're thrown off centre. There's a suggestion in your post that you're denying your DM something but you're not doing it by choice, if your DM doesn't get to be a Grandmother it won't be your fault, you can't be held accountable because your body won't do what you'd like it to do.
I hope your medical issues can be addressed but if they can't there is every chance of a happy, fulfilling life without DC but you need time to adjust before you can see what that life would look like

My mum is visiting my grandparents this week and she was sending me pics of all the things my granny has kept that I made her when I was little - cards, bracelets, that kind of thing. It just made me so sad that my mum may not be able to do that for any child I have

Why is your mother doing that, FGS? because I'd see that as really rubbing it in. Does she know about your condition?

Thank you all for replying. It's so hard. The majority of my friends have children/will have children and the idea of distancing myself from them and finding new friends without children (how??) at this age feels daunting and sad. I'm at the age where everyone has or is having children and it is everywhere I look. I struggle to see the point in life (I am not saying that child free women's lives are pointless, just that it without a family of my own my life feels pointless)

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain yes, she knows everything. I think she was just trying to share happy memories with me. I guess no one can really understand the pain of this experience if they have not been through it themselves.

Oh OP 😢. I'm CF by choice but I can tell you're really struggling and I wish there is something I could say to make it better for you, at least for a while.

Can you at least ask your DM to not share those memories with you? it strikes me as very insensitive of her if she knows you might not be able to have children.

@sadsister23 you are grieving for why might have been. That’s perfectly normal and very understandable. I think I can safely say no one here is going to take offence.

As for how you make new friends - I found getting a dog did that for me. But otherwise it’s a case of trying new things that aren’t child related - so maybe a local choir/book club/women institute/volleyball/running club/archery club etc etc.
As for old friends - I found being honest with them was best for both parties. Not going to lie, ripping off that sticking plaster hurt, but honesty is the better than just fading away with excuses after excuses ime.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain thank you, yes I have asked her not to and she has stopped. I guess I do need to get used to things like this on some level though because people will make thoughtless comments and I will need to be able to deal with that.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 even though you tried those groups did you not find that the women there all had kids? It seems so much the norm these days. One of my friends I've had in particular has been in my life since I was 8. She has supported me through all manner of things - my parents separating, anorexia, relationship break ups. I hate that I am probably going to have to let her go because of this situation.

@sadsister23 they may well have had kids, but they were never mentioned in groups. That’s the beauty of these groups. You don’t ask and they don’t tell. Works both ways. Yes it does hurt losing a long term friendship - but only you can decided if the friendship is worth holding on to if it’s going to cause you further grief. Fwiw their child is always going to take priority over you, no matter what. That’s as it should be as they are a parent, but it will fundamentally alter your relationship as adults.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 are they real, true friends if you don't actually know what's going on in their lives? And even if it is just a friendship where you see someone once a week at a group people will drop it into conversation - 'oh I had to drop little Jimmy at football this morning', 'we had a great holiday, the kids loved the pool' etc.

Yes I understand that friendships will change when people have children and that's the way it should be. It's just so lonely.

@sadsister23 I think it depends on your definition of friend. They are people I know and can have a conversation with and occasionally have a cup of coffee with. Non even know where I live, beyond knowing the town.
If you want someone who would drop everything for you and ensure you had clean underwear if in hospital - no they aren’t those type of friends. I doubt I’ll ever have that friendship with someone again. (I’m old and those type of friends have long since died) That type of friendship is in my view quite a rare thing these days in anyone under 60. Too many people are wrapped up in their own lives or social media/phones etc. A boring friendship to maintain versus playing on a phone - well you only have to go out to see so many people both sharing a coffee/food yet both on their phones!

This all sounds very raw and new for you OP, I don't think you need to make any decisions about your long term friendships (or anything else) just yet. Your friends should understand if you need a bit of space. Going to clubs and activities and surrounding yourself with superficial friendships isn't a bad idea. Over time some of those may become real friendships, but for the moment they'll be a distraction which is what you need. I go to a gym class which is quite chatty and it was months before anyone mentioned their child. At least 75% of the class is childfree, or hasn't mentioned it either way.

It sounds like you have a history of mental ill health. Do you have support from a GP or other clinician? News like this can be difficult to deal with.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 thank you for your kindness and advice, I really appreciate it 💕

@innerdesign I think you're right - I probably do need to get out to clubs and activities. It's not possible for me whilst I'm studying but I should try to broaden my horizons once I'm qualified although at the moment I don't really want to - I don't want to do anything. I'm struggling to even watch TV at the moment as most shows (understandably) are centred around, or at least involve, families. Unfortunately my GP has been useless with all of this. He told me he doesn't understand why I still have hypothalamic amenorrhea as I am a healthy weight and referred me to an endocrinologist who said my ovaries could be in necrosis (they're not). I guess it comes back to people not understanding how utterly devastating this is if they haven't been through it themselves. Thank you for 'listening' to me.

It sounds you are child free but not by choice, would you consider adoption ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I would, but I'm not sure how likely/possible it is. I work for Children's Services and the number of children coming up for adoption is declining due to a new initiative to try to keep children within their families. At present in my county there are too many adopters and not enough adoptees.

I'm in the same boat. 33 and cancer has robbed me of my womb. Zero chance of having children now. Adoption won't be an option as I have ADHD and a poor credit history.
I'm increasingly finding spending any time around people with small children hard. One of my siblings is getting married and I fully expect a pregnancy announcement soon after. Dreading it. I will be expected to be happy for them - which I will be but incredibly sad for myself.
I don't know what the solution is. I really don't.

I just filled my life with other things, career, travel, just doing 'stuff'. I felt that I did not want to spend my life worrying about what might have been.

I am now 67 and other than my husband have no relatives except for an Uncle in his nineties. But, life has been very good to me, I have much to be grateful for and it would be a pity to spoil that with regret.

It is tough OP and I wish you all the best.💐

Are you in England ? as you don't need to adopt a child from your county.
There are adoption agencies as well as applying to be an adopter through the local authority.

I went through a breakup of a LTR at the same time my friends were all having children or getting married. Honestly, I backed away from them all. Not their fault at all, but we'd scattered all over the UK anyway so weren't local and I needed to recover and accept things, which wasn't going to happen being bombarded with what I didn't have on a daily basis.

I used to be quite sociable and I suppose I still am, but before I was putting effort into friendships, now I'm just chatting and not seeking friendships/relationship. Looks the same on the surface maybe but how I feel is different. I'm doing my own thing now. Making the most of those opportunities not open or not so easily available to people with children, because I believe in looking on the bright side. It's not at all how I thought my life would turn out, but it's ok.

Accepting you might never have children (when you want them) is a kind of grief, it takes time to process it. Be kind to yourself and remember it's ok to be sad about it, even if you don't really ever talk about that. You don't have to bury your feelings and be fine because society dictates it (that everyone is fine at all times and gets over any troubles, even serious ones, within a few weeks).

I wouldn't worry about those child or family centred conversations, you don't owe anyone a contribution or explanation. If you're silently sad, so be it. If that bothers them, it's their issue. There will be other conversations you can join in with.

A simple no, if people ask if you have children, is fine. If they pry for reasons there's various ways to tackle it. You can just stare at them for a bit then really obviously change the subject, which should shut them up and make them realise they've overstepped. You could say there's no particular reason and then not respond to whatever nonsense or platitudes they say next. You could tell them it's not a conversation you have with acquaintances/shop assistants/colleagues/friends/whatever else they may be. No need for nastiness, awkwardness or drama, unless they start it, you just move the conversation on whilst staying friendly. If they do (start it), I personally don't believe rude people deserve politeness and have no problems telling them to MYOB. Or you could be honest and say you unfortunately can't have children. The "unfortunately" is enough to let them know you're not happy about it.

Hope you can find your peace OP. Is it worth opening up to family about how you feel so they can be more sensitive about it? (Assuming you've not told anyone what the situation is).

I would adopt if it were me. I have friends and family who have adopted from other countries as they wanted a baby not an older child.
Also there is surrogacy, if you have eggs. Best of luck in future.

+1
I don't have children, and I'm now at the age where people are starting to have grandchildren. When they launch into the 999th story of their wonderful trips with their adorable grandchildren, I find myself wanting to run into traffic.
Maybe don't drop your lifelong friend, but I agree that it is a good idea to try to find friends who are in the same boat. I think it will be better for you going forward.

I am sorry you feel this sadness OP. It's always difficult to feel you are on a different track or at a different stage than people with whom we have long established friendships. Maybe everywhere you look at the moment, babies are popping off and it feels like that's what life is or should be, but that certainly isn't all that life can be.
You have a partner and family, so your life is full of people who love you, that's not nothing. You are studying so presumably now wouldn't be the ideal time to have a child anyway. Try to enjoy this time to do things that nourish you and secure a good future for you, with or without children.
Having children is not a guarantee of happiness and fulfilment and it's not a measure of achievement. It restricts your life in many ways and as time passes you will see some of your friends go through the normal challenges of family life, this might make you consider your own freedom from a different perspective.

You say of course you have a mum, dad and brother. I don’t even have that.

Lots of unhelpful posts on this thread, I'm guessing mainly from posters who actually have their own biological children. Do you think OP has never heard of adoption? And posts to say 'oh at least you're not X, like me, I have it worse'..? Wtf?

@sadsister23 do you have the funds to seek a private consultation? I'd at least go back to the GP and ask for a second opinion. I understand it's exhausting though, it sounds like you've been let down by your doctors.