Where can an alternative 40 something make friends?

[Tokek]

Hello!

I moved to my current city nearly two years ago with my partner, and having lived all over the country I have never struggled to make friends as much as I have here. I have already tried a number of groups, most of which haven't had the social element I've been looking for, and as such I'm making one last attempt at casting the net to see if there might be any obscure interest groups I could be missing.

What I've been looking for is the kind of hobby that attracts alternative, maybe neurodiverse people, and that both meets regularly (at least every two weeks), at the same time each week or fortnight and involves a social element. By this I mean either the hobby involves sitting around a table and chatting over the activity, or else people stay for a drink/go to a pub or cafe afterwards.

It is really astonishing how few groups seem to meet all three criteria, let alone attracting my fellow oddballs too! I'll go into things I have tried or considered below, which will probably come across as moany but will hopefully give some perspective:

Anything too sporty or vigorous is out as I'm marathon training so need to rest physically on my off days. Meetup has some nice groups, but very few are based around meeting at the same time each week/fortnight meaning that you go to one event and meet some nice people but it's pot luck as to whether you'll see them again. I have been in a choir previously, but found most people a bit conventional for me (absolutely no judgement, there just wasn't a lot of commonality). Would love to find a drawing group, but there's nothing regular in my area. Have also tried the WI but the two groups near me don't have particularly regular events between the monthly meets. I'm also not keen on Bumble BFF as I find a lot of friendships that start off without unplanned interactions peter out quickly. Volunteering, I can't find any you can do in the evening in my area that looks like you'd be able to chat to other volunteers whilst on shift. Some people have suggested board game groups, but I don't like board games enough.

Is there anything at all I could be missing? Aside from the above, I will consider any hobbies that might have a chance of yielding a social circle!

Apologies for the moan, this is me trying my hardest to turn things around.

LARP? Definitely attracts a quirky crowd.

Improv has lots of lovely oddballs. It depends on the scene in your city but you can often do a ‘discovering’ type course which is basically playing fun games.

Archery?

My ND DS has taken it up recently and at least in his club, there are a good mix of men and women of all ages. They do have a social side as well but it's very much up to the individual to do as much or as little as they want.

I agree. Having a narrow idea of the things that interest you, non-negotiable socialising days, and disliking people who eat brunch is going to make it difficult to make friends I'm afraid. But not as difficult as being judgemental. I take back my suggestion of pole - one of the great things about it is it's so welcoming and non-judgemental, all kinds of people are welcome, and nobody is looked down on (either for looks, weight, fitness or interests). Maybe try a student group - most of us grew out of the hipster snobbery.

@NetballHoop archery is one my have a go list, but I wonder if you need a lot of upper body strength? Which I don’t really have.

@Tokek I'm a gay woman & in a very similar position to you, have just moved out of London to the seaside. I have found interesting people by:-

A local outdoor sea dipping group (met parkrunners through here too)
A co-working space for days when WFH (met interesting people here)
Park run - i think you're more likely to chat to people if you volunteer than if you do the runs although every park run is different

I do tend to get along with creative/highly sensitive people more and a friend has pointed out i probably need to do a life drawing course or ceramics course to meet those types:) don't know if that helps?

I do find that the "snobbery" card is thrown around at anyone who expresses any sort of preference. We all have people and conversational topics we find resonate with us and those we don't.

Interesting comments on bellringing above - I used to share a flat with a bellringer and they were a nicely quirky bunch who all seemed to go out on the piss on a regular basis, and were nothing like the 60 something brexiters described by some PPs! Maybe it depends on the area. Must be worth a try, OP!

It’s not so much that it’s judgemental in that your idea of what constitutes ‘conventional’ seems pretty strange to me. Where are you living/have you lived where you meet enough people whose light conversation centres on clothes and Love Island, whose social life involves cocktails and brunches, who have no hobbies, no politics and a ‘career vs kids mindset’ for you to consider that the norm from which you deviate?

I’ll omit my own friends, but even if I take a fairly arbitrary sample like ‘other parents at my 11 year old’s (city centre, very socially and ethnically mixed) school’, I’ve encountered them or know of them doing spoken word poetry, various protests, guerrilla gardening, boatbuilding, rowing, sea swimming, surfing, being a Samaritans listener, volunteering at a film festival, community litterpicks, ultramarathons, volunteering on an archaeology dig, playing traditional music, riding etc.

I went for brunch last week with a 40 something art student who makes her living as a traditional musician, a forensic archaeologist who fosters guide dogs, and a ND semi-recluse who does furniture upholstery, and whom I met at a house clearance auction where we were both outbid on a Windsor chair!

Damn it, I met the wrong bellringers! 😀

Creative writing groups tend to attract lovely oddballs, and you get to know each other very quickly as writing tends to be quite revealing (even if people are writing a thriller or a bodice ripper or comic poetry, you can still learn a lot about who they are form what they choose to write) so people bond very quickly.

For alternative meet ups, you could try some slightly hippyish stuff - gong baths, shamanic drumming, 5 Rhythms dancing. You always meet nice, easy going sparky types there, I find.

I’ll omit my own friends, but even if I take a fairly arbitrary sample like ‘other parents at my 11 year old’s (city centre, very socially and ethnically mixed) school’, I’ve encountered them or know of them doing spoken word poetry, various protests, guerrilla gardening, boatbuilding, rowing, sea swimming, surfing, being a Samaritans listener, volunteering at a film festival, community litterpicks, ultramarathons, volunteering on an archaeology dig, playing traditional music, riding etc.

I went for brunch last week with a 40 something art student who makes her living as a traditional musician, a forensic archaeologist who fosters guide dogs, and a ND semi-recluse who does furniture upholstery, and whom I met at a house clearance auction where we were both outbid on a Windsor chair!

I feel like you live in Walthamstow, except you didn't mention your allotment 🤔

😂

See, the mix of people you seem to be meeting sounds unconventional to me! I do of course meet people with those sorts of interests occasionally, but I wouldn't say they're the norm. I've definitely met lots of people I would consider conventional in the ways I mentioned in other hobby groups and via work (as well as having seen many, many Bumble BFF profiles of people saying they wanted friends to do cocktails and brunch with without listing other interests), so to me that seems quite normal but perhaps others' wider bubbles vary?2

Bellringing,
church choir,
roller darby,
re-enactment,
local pub that stages local alternative bands,
art classes - especially more quirky ones.

I know you said you hate board games but have you tried the more unusual ones - wingspan, quacks if quedlingburg, splendor etc (they are nothing like monopoly etc). If you haven’t it may be worth going to a board game cafe - I will not play atypical board games but love the random ones.

Litter picking groups.

Drama groups - maybe back stage if acting isn’t your thing.

Meditation and yoga classes - again try a few as not all may suit your requirement.

Funnily volunteering at Cub groups etc. Some seem to attract more quirky people.

Archaeological and history groups. Film groups.

I’m not in the UK any more and while I did once have an allotment when I did, it was a total disaster and my carrots looked as if they’d been savaged by orcs.

When I lived in London I lived in less salubrious pre-gentrification Herne Hill, and Vauxhall (and briefly in a squat on Kilburn High Road…)

This is what I believe. I live in a big city where the bellringing crowd reflects the local population to an extent - we have ringers of various ethnic backgrounds, all ages from teenagers to eighties+.

They are more pub-going types than a churchgoing types although there are some who do both. There’s a lot of laughter. /cc @TygerPassant I am so sorry you had a bad experience!

@Tokek To find a tower near you you can do a search on Dove’s Guide (used to be a book now also a website) which is the closest thing there is to a definitive directory of towers with bells, in the UK and round the world:

https://dove.cccbr.org.uk/

A running club does seem like the obvious answer. I joined mine 17 years ago and whilst it does take me a while to make proper friends (rather than aquaintances) I have a very busy social life through running.

I'm a member of one club and "involved" with another. There probably aren't that many "official" social events, although at my club we do go for drinks one evening a month after running, but there are loads of things going on, organised by members. We're a diverse group, not everyone will want to do everything, but when a member suggests a night out, there's always enough responses to make it work.

In the last 12 months, I've been on 3 weekends away, 3 parties, to see c.7/8 bands, 2 musicals, a comedy night, crazy golf, paddle boarding and numerous pub nights, not organised by the club, but by club people. I've organised quite a few of them.

I think that's key TBH, you can't just turn up at any group and expect to only take, if you've got ideas of what you want from it, organise it. There'll be plenty who'll participate and once you've organised something, others will step up too.

In my city, the local arts centre, and also the theatre, have volunteers who work as ushers. Real mix of people, opportunity to see lots of films/plays, and fairly sociable.

Massively thank you!

Thank you - meant to quote you in the post above.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions, I'll be writing a proper list later!

OP, you sound like me my people, although I moved (countries) here 10 years ago. Great suggestions already (totally 2nd the bell ringing and roller derby esp), have you tried setting up your own more regular book / film / music / craft group and listing it on meetup?

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 , at the club my DS goes to there are members aged from mid teens through to their 80's. I belive that the type/stregnth of the bow is determined by your body type.
DS did say his arms were a bit sore after his first session but was fine after that.
At least at his club they do regular taster sessions so you can try before becoming a member and they have all the equipment you need as a beginner. I you wanted to take it further then you can buy your own but the club stuff is fine.

@NetballHoop thank you - it’s the one thing that made me wobble about going for a taster session. Tv has a lot to answer for- they make it look like you need a he strength to rip apart the yellow pages!